Party of 1: "how to"

For those of you that know me, you know I am not afraid to eat alone, or do coffee alone, or watch a movie alone. For this reason alone, I’m on a pedestal, high up, with some supernatural form of courage running through my veins. Well, my friend, this too can be you. Actually, many have asked me how I got brave enough to do things like this on my own so I thought I’d share it.

I wish I could say that it came easily or out of my own desire, but it didn’t. It really came out of necessity and the decision to prioritize myself in the right pecking order, as #1. Having been single for a long time, there have been opportunities I would have missed out on had I sat at home lamenting over the friends who were unavailable because they had other plans or didn’t want to go. I work hard, REALLY hard. I rise early. I covet my early morning quiet time focusing on nothing more than what’s running through my head, soul and heart. I refuse to interrupt those thoughts with mundane tasks when they are flowing because they are important to me as well as my emotional and spiritual health. Often I would much rather go have breakfast somewhere so that I do not have to divide my attention and cook for myself. Because I work hard, I do not feel badly about this minor expense at all. Since I’m awake when many are sleeping in, then I go alone. I’ve grown to covet these times way more than anything else and now I would rarely include another person in these intimate moments. I love the stillness of morning and all the sounds and smells it brings. It is sacred. At this point in my progression in independence, you will find me at any time lined up at the bar at Mimi’s with all the other “older” men and women who just no longer “give a [insert favorite expletive here].” 

I thought of some easy steps to get you to eating alone and loving it! Note that this is not necessarily for the “single” but also for the “married with kids and need a break” or “married and need alone time” individual as well.

Firstly, change the way you see yourself. Need some help? Visit one of my previous posts on this HERE. YOU, beloved, are important. If you are not seeing yourself as your most prized possession, then you are missing out. Once you see yourself the way you should, then you won’t care about what others think. Worrying about what others think is actually the biggest deterrent to many going women going places alone. Sad. Decide you will do this, for yourself, your sanity, for the sake of others who benefit from you emotional health. I’m not married or married with kids yet, but I know that when I am there, I will long for “alone time.” I know I will want some time to hear the clatter of dishes or hums of computers of bloggers at a coffee shop rather than Bubble Guppies, Barney, Mickey, and various other characters shows I do not yet understand. 

Know that others really don’t think of you as often as you think! This one statement has changed my perspective in a lot of circumstances when I became worried about what others are thinking, would think, etc. What a narcissistic point of view—thinking that others are really paying attention to what I’m doing and spending their precious moments discussing it? Pfffft.  If they do discuss something, I’m sure it’s a few minutes and then they move on to something more exciting. If for some reason, they do discuss my party of 1 and dwell on it, I can smile knowing that they are having the best conversation of their day.  

Once you have your mind in check: Stake out the place you want to go. Begin with a place that is frequented by travelers. Maybe by the airport? You are usually safe at one of the spots because there will be other “parties of 1.” I always suggest starting with drinking alone at a bar first to ease in. Do not confuse this with “drinking alone on a daily basis.” This scenario lends itself to many opportunities…..or including “chickening out” should that happen [NO!].  You can saunter in and scope out the bar for available seats in which you would feel comfortable by telling the hostess something like “I’m checking to see if my friend is at the bar” or “I may just grab a drink at the bar before meeting my friend for dinner.” Now, you have a lot of options. If you can’t find a seat, then you can either leave “Oh I didn’t see her/him so I’ll head out” or “I didn’t see a spot open so can I grab a drink at a table?”  If you get seated, then you can use a disclaimer or not. You can also then “decide” to grab a snack since you’re there “wasting time” anyway. Congratulations -you’ve just taken a giant step to earning your pair of cojones. 

Still scared? Take a prop.  Bring your iPad or laptop. Bring a book. Bring your ladies bible study homework. Open an academic textbook [who cares if you last opened it before graduation 7 years ago?] Lay it on the table. Suddenly, there’s a purpose to sitting alone.

It’s time: party of 1 for breakfast/lunch/dinner. For beginners, I always recommend breakfast since its less busy and “people you’d worry are looking at you” are most likely still sleeping. People roll out of bed to go to breakfast. They don’t generally look cute. No judgment here friends. Breakfast is golden.  Listen to the sounds and enjoy them. Your food suddenly tastes so different when your other senses shut down.

So, do this for yourself. Oh, and let me know how it goes.

Buddy up, even, and have another friend who is “becoming more courageous” sit alone at another table nearby or at the other end of the bar.

Side note: singles, you may get yourself some quiet time AND a date…just saying. 

Be fierce,

Danielle

Loving the single in your life....

So, this blog has been on my heart longer than any other. It stems from a range of emotions, most of which have been pain and disappointment. Looking at my journal, it dates back to November when I finally put thoughts onto paper, thoughts that have been swirling for many months prior. 

So many times I wanted to write, but I worried about what my married friends would think. Shame crept in. Guilt for being "needy" eclipsed my heart. Should I say these things? Am I selfish? As I listen to more and more single women at various stages, I know I have one thing that many lack…the balls courage to say it.

This world celebrates sameness. I feel it in my own relationships and struggles. The homosexual community feels it. The single moms feel it. The single dads feel it. The interracial families feel it. The 40-something single feels it. We all know how best to react to "sames" and “marrieds” or “marrieds with children.” Single is cool until you hit ~35, the time when safely most of your friends are married, many of which have kids. You are too old for the church’s single adults group. You can’t join your friends in their couples small group. You yearn for companionship when friends are on “date nights.” You want to push yourself forward to keep up when you really may feel like slowing down. The simple truth: no one knows what to do with you.  Everyone is celebrating sameness while you are wondering where “different” fits in neatly. it bubbles up everywhere from not being able to wear a certain dress because you have noone around to zip it up to not wanting to hang out with a group of friends because you will be the only single trying to navigate the conversations on partnerships, kids, etc. Nothing is wrong with you. You know this is where God wants or needs you to be right now, but you know that others [in church and out] don’t know how to respond.  I’ve been there. I’ve been there for sooooo long—WAY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY longer than I ever imagined. While I am not there for much longer in that "phase" [blog post to explain that coming soon], I stand with you. My heart is with you. I will speak for you. I KNOW this is one reason why I was single for so long. My heart aches for you. Most importantly, I see you and I celebrate you. You are courageous and bold. Not many could walk so triumphantly in your shoes.

I hope I can speak for some of my sisters in this post.  Women who are happy but single, women who are sad but single, women who are courageous to WAIT and are therefore single, women who have a higher purpose to serve God first and are single, women who are divorced and single, women who have made mistakes but trudge on single, women who defy “sameness” whether they wish to or not. Women who have no desire for marriage and/or kids and are single.

Being in this “often awkward” phase has made me look at a lot of things differently, friendship included. I’ve come to classify friends as “willing to see me on Friday/Saturday” a.k.a. true friends and “those who don’t.” I’ve actually let a lot of “see you on the weeknights” friends go. Right or wrong, I’m not sure. Nothing has been more hurtful than a married friend that has only agreed to hang out on weeknights because she spends weekends with family. Well, guess what?!?! Just because I’m single does not mean that I don’t also have equally important things to do. When you never offer me weekends, I hear “your life is less than mine so let’s work out the schedule according to what is convenient for me and my family.” Yeah, I get it that many responsibilities come with families but I have several friends that prioritize friendships and nurture those on weekends when it is mutually beneficial. Friends are gifts. I think it’s healthy and please hold me to that when I have a family. 

Despite roles and children and spouses, we are all essentially women. Why can’t we come together and connect as who we are? The rest is adornment and roles and obligations. They do not take the place of who we are. We nurture one another. We support one another. We need one another.

I was thinking of ways for others to love the single woman in your life. These are things that I wish had happened to me more and some things that have been placed on my  heart from observations and divine conversations:

• Send a Mother's Day card to the single mom. There's no "Dad" to orchestrate Mother's Day celebrations. Elaborate on her superhero-ism. Imagine YOU doing all that you do with no help from your husband, family, etc. The way you dread that business trip your husband goes on because it leaves all the work to YOU? She does this everyday. She has no choice. She doesn't complain.
• Listen to your single friend drag on about all the bad dates she has been on without telling her she is too picky or giving advice. We are our own worst critics....but sometimes we just need an ear. We don't have a boyfriend or husband to listen [or pretend to listen] so we could use you and a glass bottle of wine. 
• Invite a single to have lunch with you after church. Insist, even. Even if we decline, we are so thankful that someone "saw" us. We regularly go unnoticed but too often avoided. 
• Have your S.O./husband do something that "men" do like an oil change. Let me tell you. I HATE getting my oil changed. Because I'm short on time, I go to those quickie places that try to sell my everything under the sun. I can be bitchy forthright but they still overpower me each time trying to sell me into replacing every kind of filter I have never heard of. Each time, I lie. Yep, I lie. You heard that Jesus. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE. I always add a "Let me write that down and have my husband/father/boyfriend/brother check that" along with my look of concern. I hate it. The one thing I cherish most about a future marriage? The man getting the oil change. Period. Ask her if anything needs to be done at her house and offer your man. You can drink wine and listen while he changes that hard-to-reach lightbulb.
• Another no-man's land? Weddings. It soooo sucks to be one of the last few singles at a wedding. There's no more torture than this. [note to self in wedding planning....] For the love of Moses, have your man/date bring back a drink for y'all AND the single. We have to watch love marry, sit among love at the table during dinner, watch love slow dance...just get us another drink to survive.  
• Invite the single over for dinner. Just because we do not yet have our own marriage, that does not mean we can't appreciate and learn from yours. So many dreams I have for my marriage and family I have learned from watching successful friends.

These are just a few ideas that came to mind. I'm sure you can think of many more, better ones. Think of one thing you'd hate to do on your own without your husband's help and then consider that the single does this all the time, or has to pay for it. 

I know sometimes you are tired of hearing the same date #1 story time after time after time. But, listen anyway. Listen with the same love we showed you as you described your bloody areolas and your home remedies of laying frozen pea bags on your boobs for comfort. Despite the stage, condition, woes, we are all women, right? We are all trying to navigate womanhood as best we can? Let's be an ear and shoulder for one another.

Single gals? Comment below if you have additional ways you want to be loved.

[Marrieds, when I'm married, I'll make an argument for loving the married too but I ain't got that material yet....] 

Let's just do "woman" better.

With one foot in single and one foot in married,

Danielle

Another year goes by.....

My birthday was a few weeks ago. [I need not disclose the number.] I had an amazing time thanks to many friends and family. This was an extra special birthday as I’ve seen friends in a new light as they’ve stepped forward to become a special community that has made a “village” for adoption. I’ve wholly become more appreciate of my family away from home. Just the thoughts and admiration of them make me burst with happiness and a smile pops on that hurts my face more than Miss Universe’s must.

Although I got many wonderful and personal gifts (all unnecessary but greatly appreciated), one was given that just took my breath away and made my heart completely blow up. It is a handmade gift from a friend. Because the weight of paying off debts AND saving for adoption is hard to bear (especially when the numbers are large, or equal, in my case), she made a visual (I LOOOOOVE visuals) that would help me track progress toward saving. The left column is in $25 increments. Each time you get $25, you fill in that block. When you reach $250, then you cover another $250 increment on the chart on the right with a jewel. The end goal is $25,000. She gave it to me with $1000 covered as that is about what is in “Shorty’s” account now. She also donated $25 and blocked in the first increment. Awesome right? This reminds me of how far I’ve come and how far I have to go. When filled, it will be dazzling in Shorty’s room, right!??! THANK YOU, AMANDA!!

What is in Shorty’s account right now?  $1308.58

I also have a garage that is constantly overflowing with recycling to take in and more to collect from friends!

I haven’t blogged in a while and have been processing a lot of comments that I’ve heard--some of which are annoying, unbelievably good, and buckled-over laugh inducing.

The annoying? 

At a child’s birthday party, I met a couple with a baby. As they were chatting with another couple, I heard the woman saying, “We moved from XX to XX to be closer to my mother. You just can’t have a baby without your family that close.” [Insert here the sound of steam coming from the teapot mixed with brakes squealing] Now, it doesn’t matter the cities marked by XX but know that it is less than 50 miles to be safe (more like 30). I felt the stab and immediate doubt creep in. Could I do it as a single (if I’m single then)? My family is on the other side of the US. 

Luckily, quickly, I heard the soft internal whisper of “You aren’t her. You are strong. You can do it. I will help you do it.” Of course, the devil in me wanted to yell “Weakling, I bet you don’t take the trash out by yourself.” Yikes, I feel better. It’s hard not to compare—one single income hard-working gal vs. two income very successful parents with family close-by and then one healing child who has encountered more than many adults vs. one clean slate healthy baby. I had to go back and re-read a former blog post of mine.  

I have to remind myself who to listen to as well. I’ve noticed that several of the gals who tell me, “OH MY GOD, having a baby/kid is so expensive!” are the ones who “over-do it” (IMHO) in many cases. Also, many of them are ones with a great double income. I’ve found that my friends who have a meager income and make sacrifices for the children to have cute stuff but keep it real and not “overboard” all say “It’s a budgeting difference—you just change your spending and it isn’t that bad.” What an interesting contrast….that’s a whole ‘nother blog in itself!

The unbelievable?

Well, there is a child at work that I would loooooooooooooooove to have but there are some complicating factors and timing isn’t feeling right. Even though that is its “own” situation, the fact that I have a village is an understatement.  When I even entertained the idea of looking into possibilities of fostering-to-adopt, so many from my village rose up which overwhelmed with me and made me feel at ease for the support I’ll have when the right time comes.  I heard the following (just a few of the many):

“We all think that you can do this. You are the only one that doesn’t know it.”

“I’ll go to social services classes with you to finish your prerequisite obligations so you don’t have to go alone.”

“I can help find clothes. My neighbor has a child the same age”

“We all have things we can give you. Don’t worry about the initial cost.”

I think this helped me to file away the other experience I had. I never said or imagined it to be easy. In fact, I know it will be harder than I can fathom at this point. BUT, I know this has always been in my heart and I know that I’ll make the sacrifices necessary to make sure it happens and that I do it well.

The laugh inducing?

The other question that comes up and recently even flew out of the mouth of a man: [drumroll]

Don’t you think that if you adopt as a single, you will have trouble meeting a man?

Okay first off, “trouble meeting  a man” makes me chuckle. I have not met a good one in QUITE a while for dating purposes. I’m staying optimistic and believing they are/he is out there on a parallel path to mine for now. One day our paths will cross, but OC is not the prime area for networking and meeting possible suitors.

The question makes me chuckle too because I’ve stupidly made decisions in the past to NOT do things I’ve felt I should because they may put me in an inopportune place or time to meet a man. Tsk, tsk, tsk.Hindsight is always 20/20 though, right?

As much as I’ve thought about it in the past, I do not think about it with adoption. I think because I know that God placed this in my heart (long ago) with the desire to start working toward it at this time. I’m not sure when the process will tangibly begin, but I know it will. I’ve been entrusted with this dream so I’m choosing to step out in faith toward a goal. I don’t know all the answers to when, where, and how. I don’t know if someone will come along in the process or after, but I do know that someone will come along.

I know that someone will come along who shares a heart for the orphaned or hurting children and if caring for them means providing them a home, then he will be on board.  

I know that someone will come along who will appreciate my commitment to my faith and pursuit of a God-placed and God-sized dream, and he will be smitten.

So when I think about the men I’ll miss out on because of my choice (to adopt or to have adopted already), I am thankful that I can so easily scratch them off the list from the get-go. There will be no question and no compromise on the act of adoption itself. I will not be able to walk into that trap that so many fall into “With time and lots of love (or cooking), he may change his mind about [insert personal dream here]." I won’t wait 9 months in to the relationship to figure out they don’t actually want to adopt after all. I won’t make excuses for someone else or put my calling and dream aside when I feel distance from him because may be totally on board.  I do not need the kind of man who will shy away from my life, my accomplishments and service, my faith, and my choices. 

So, THANK YOU for your kind words, well wishes, beer bottles, trash, and offers of assistance. None of it went unnoticed, even if I had a flat affect that did not convey my internal clapping and squeals or tears of happiness. 

Project: Redemption

I sit here on Easter, my favorite holiday, in awe of the people that have built a community around me on the pre-adoption journey. I posted a few blogs ago about my village that is living intentionally with me. It continues to grow. I continue to be blessed. People continue to use their gifts to contribute in a variety of ways. God continues to whisper messages of encouragement and has become my biggest cheerleader [with my mother being 2nd].

I'm more humbled because I realize: this is just the beginning.

As I've mentioned before, my first priority is to kick my debt's ass this year. I'm focused. My job is to put every penny I can into that direction. In the meantime, God fills my adoption fund little by little. We're double teaming--as long as I do mine, He does His.

I'm a paycheck to paycheck person sticking everything left over toward debt repayment, most of which is from graduate school. Who knew it'd cost so much to be this smart?!?! I am enrolled in the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University and have been working on a budget, etc. as part of the class. I noticed that last month, I somehow, paid an extra $800 toward my debt in addition to my usual $1200 payment. How'd that happen?!?! I do remember saying a VERY lengthy prayer begging that my money be stretched in a way that is unfathomable to me. Maybe God answered that one before the short one begging to win the lottery. Everything seemed to be going along in line with my financial "norm." Anyway, noticing that error felt good ,and I was accidentally one step closer.

How is recycling going, you ask? So far, it has added $166.99 to the fund since the end of January. Along with gifts and my own monthly contribution, the "Get Shorty" fund has $704.49 in it. All the while, I've been blessed and confirmed in random ways.

One incident (that I know isn't merely coincidence) that stuck out was a friend's contribution of two LARGE bags of plastic bottles and aluminum cans. One was so big that it wouldn't even fit in the trunk. After I left recycling and went to brunch on Friday, I saw and thanked this friend again for the two bags. She said that her husband brought one of the bags home. At work, someone was loading his truck and could not fit everything in and asked her husband if he could leave the bag of recycling there for him to deal with. That bag, along with another bag she brought, were the two that put me over the edge for money earned that day.





I've loved this project for so many reasons. It has been humorous as I've made my way to the recycling center in Santa Ana weekly during the morning commute traffic on the 55S on Friday mornings. I can feel the stares of the people in the cars beside me as I dare not look anywhere but straight ahead. This past Friday was the best. I had my back seat full, my trunk so full that I had to sit on it to close it, and my passenger seat full with 3 bags. My purse had to sit in my lap between my person and the steering wheel because there was no room....anywhere! I drove through Chick-fil-A for a burrito and ate it en route to the recycling center. I'm sure the man in the truck next to me on the on-ramp thought I was a pig AND a hoarder.

the backseat


the front seat

Again, thank you everyone for your contributions whether it be recycling, donations, words of encouragement, advice, or connections with another person.

Love, Danielle

In this season

Here’s a loooooooong overdue update!

First of all, thank you so much for your generous support and donations! Of my personal goal of $765, I’ve raised $640. The team as a whole has surpassed our goal of $4865 so we are set!! We are humbled by your generosity.

As the date draws near to leave (tomorrow!), I reflect on how much “missions” has personally changed my life and that makes me excited for what this trip has in store!

I think the best change has been the many lessons on being transparent and vulnerable to others -- not only to my supporter community, teammates, family, and friends but also to everyone whose paths cross mine. The hardest part, however, is not being vulnerable to others but to myself. In that capacity, I’ve learned how to maintain a more obedient posture and to listen to that quiet voice that seems to come only when on one’s knees--the voice that encourages us to expose what has been so intricately hidden and disguised so that we can connect with others in a way beyond our imagination and sometimes comfort level -- a connection through pain that ultimately creates beauty and activates love.

I’ve learned to use whatever time/phase with which God has entrusted me. For now, it is a season of singleness. I never imagined to be in this season for so long and there’s a lot I could say but that’d take up too many blog posts. I’m happy I’ve always clung to that voice that has reminded me on so many occasions during dating, “Yes, you could have this but if you wait, I have so much more to give yo beyond what you can imagine.” For the past year, I’ve been waiting for the right opportunity to use this time. Over that same amount of time, my attention kept being drawn to the Village at NewSong. [Click here for more information about the Village] The purpose of the village is to provide a space to connect families who have a heart for orphaned or vulnerable children.

I decided to follow that continual prompt and attend a planning meeting to find out more about how I could get involved as a single woman (having known for years that I want to adopt internationally in the future). I thought at the very least I could find out information about the process for future reference. For those that know me, you know my skills are organizing, leading, and being a catalyst to set ideas into motion. For the first time, I sat dumbfounded and completely useless in the meeting. I wondered if that meant that I was there by mistake. I uncomfortably stayed through the meeting, feeling misplaced. During the closing prayer, my thoughts drifted (I’ve recently diagnosed myself with “prayer-induced ADD”) to a stream of my own.

I love the freedom of being single, but no matter what stage of life we are in at the time, I think dark thoughts seep in from time to time. These are a few thoughts that ran through my mind at that moment:

I’ve been so patient with waiting for the “right” men and do my best to serve others, how come so many other women who settle and/or who are selfish have beautiful families and seem to have everything?

Why doesn’t the right person pick me--am I getting too old?

Once again, passed over for the “cuter more outgoing one” or “the one that puts on a better show”As these thoughts grew and circled through my mind, I clearly felt God say, “Danielle, you ARE in the exact place I want you to be even though you can’t see it right now. These thoughts that you have circling and the pain they induce are what brought you here. These words (lies) and pain are felt by thousands of orphaned children every day as they also watch and wait. The pain in wait bind your hearts.” The strength and clarity of that message moved me to tears.

As I said, I love being single but with every “season” there is pain that is meant to bring awareness and spring love into action.

With what season has God entrusted you?
How will you use your pain and experiences?