Two little words to avoid with new moms

Being pregnant was such a fun and exciting time. I so appreciated all the kind words and gestures I experienced. There was one phrase, however, that I hope I never or rarely use when chatting with future and new moms.

It's only 2 small words. It's two small words that can belittle one's experience. It can make someone feel as if their experience could not possibly hold up to someone else's. Seeds of comparisons are planted.

"Just wait."

You've heard it. You've used it. I think it's used with good intentions. But, what if we exchanged silence for "just wait." What if we, instead, just empathized. We can start with "I remember those days" or "It's a learning curve for sure" or "I know it's frustrating/emotional/logistically challenging." Seasoned mamas, you've been there. Remember how new and hard it was?

It begins before the baby even makes his or her entrance. If a pregnant woman is sleepy and was up most of the night, you know what comes next - Just wait until you are up every few hours feeding a baby. Just wait until the baby gets here. Then, it's usually followed by other unsolicited advice. 

And why does it always come with that guffaw or chuckle?

When struggling to wrangle up a tiny weightless newborn in a car seat, I don't need to hear "just wait until the baby is 25 pounds and you have to carry that thing!" I know my baby will grow. I know that if it is hard now, then it will get harder. I only have today's experience though, and I don't need to borrow from tomorrow. Going to the grocery store with one child is hard; no one needs a "Just wait until you have 2 kids/3 kids/4 kids!!" Things will get harder but they may also get easier. I'll become less rattled, less over-cautious, stronger, etc.

Really, we need to stop with the "just wait" comments. I never heard any that ended with "it only gets better" or "you will love each day even more." It was always something negative.

I honestly preferred seeing childless friends during pregnancy and after because of comments like "just wait" that were inevitable. It comes from strangers too.

I get it. I'm only 5.5 months into motherhood and when I hear my new mom friends make comments, my mind goes to those thoughts sometimes. I keep them to myself because we are different, and my thoughts are a result of my experiences. We handle our experiences based on our unique capacities and resources. Overall, what's the point of saying something to her that she may or may not experience?

Seasoned moms are so valuable. There's always someone in your shadows who will glean from that wisdom and experience. I think reframing the mindset behind the phrase bearing good intent is imperative when reaching out and extending a hand. Motherhood is different and difficult at all ages and phases, no? 

After only going this far into motherhood - in the very shallow ends, I know I want to be more positive with other mothers. I want to remember what a huge and emotional transition it was. I want to remember how all those decisions made in the post-partum suite felt like they had life long implications even when they didn't matter 5 minutes later. I want to remember how wonderful and hard maternity leave was. I want to make "the first day back to work" special. I want to be present and listen instead of think ahead of the present and overshadow someone's experience with my own. I know mistakes are inevitable, but I'm doing my best to avoid saying "just wait." 

Find that new mom today or "the mom behind you" and offer time, a meal, a listening ear or some time alone. 

Love,
Danielle

Another plea for women (& Moms)

I have a small plea to all women, and especially moms, out there. This is on behalf of women like me who do not yet have kids, for whatever reason. Please don’t judge us now, or how we may be in the future, according to our “childlessness” or our dreams in how we raise our future children.

Sounds like common sense, right? Who would do that? Maybe I’m imagining a portion of it, but the feelings are still real. My identity as a woman is not defined by profession, marriage, or children, or anything else. Yours is not either. Aren’t you glad?

This has been on my mind for some time but it’s hard to get my thoughts down without sending naive or angry. Bear with me.

We are all different. We want different things - marriage vs. single, adoption vs. biological, children vs. no children, single parent vs. co-parent, career first vs. children first, and the list goes on. Each woman must do what is right for her.

It all sort of “came to a head” recently when someone asked me in a horrid tone of voice, accompanied by an equally offensive facial expression, “tell me, do you have kids?” The context (whether personal or professional) of it doesn’t matter, but the point of it does. It was a blatant attempt to discredit me in that moment. This was not a friendly “get to know you” question.

I’ve been challenged as a professional in this way, and this seems the most unfair. Sometimes it is hard working as a therapist without being a parent. There’s an element that gives you an advantage, I think, when you do have kids so that you can connect to others in a different, more personal, way. Being a parent/therapist does not, however, ensure aptitude. I know I have had experience living with and caring for my sister’s kids so I have only a glimpse into how hard parenting is and how busy parents are in those few hours after school and before bed. Because of that, I always try and provide home programming that works into current routines and does not add a burden. I strive to be sympathetic and truly listen to their stories and difficulty, and sometime excuses. I don’t like arbitrary things for the “sake of doing them” so that reflects in my approach in my profession. I don’t need to have children of my own to know that sometimes you have to pick cooking a good meal over sitting down and working on a certain sound or other skill that a therapist has given for homework. Sometimes you are entrusted with children that do require extra attention and upheaval of schedules, and I know that too. You may have children but I have worked with hundreds. It doesn’t mean I know more, but it does mean I have experience with a variety of children, diagnoses, settings and dynamics. You can respect that for what it is and why you are with me - a professional relationship. You do not “get to” dive into my personal business to discredit me. Can a doctor not prescribe you medication because he or she doesn’t have kids? Do you not trust your dentist because maybe they don’t have kids? No. Same goes for me. Same goes for teachers. Treat us with respect and as an individual trained in our profession. I get it - there are therapists or teachers who may not have experience with seeing first hand what a day look like post-school and pre-bedtime. Instead of discrediting them as an individual or professional, just try enlightening them. Like we all do, we understand more things with experience. We are all young and idealistic, but we all learn and flex and change. We can teach each other from our roles without tearing each other down.

I wonder what this person would have said if I had responded in any of these ways which were all true feelings that came rushing over me in response to, “tell me, do you have children?”

• No I don’t, and I cry many nights over this fact. My heart races as my mind is flooded with budgets, current financial balances, cost expectations with having children, my age, my desires, my husband’s wishes, etc. My mind never stops rolling these through like credits that never stop after the movie ends.
• No, but I can already imagine my daughter twirling around in her pink tu-tu. Did you know we already have her name picked out?
• No, but I plan to foster-to-adopt and I am going to lovingly choosing a difficult road, one that will include attending to special needs in some capacity. We plan to specifically find a black son. Did you know that less than 10% of adoptive parents will even choose that race and gender?
• No I don’t yet and even seeing women who are pregnant or gushing over their newborns feels like a knife through my soul. I’m so happy for them but I’m also reminded of what I do not yet have. When will this be me?
• No, I don’t by choice right now but what I find out that I will struggle from infertility?

I have also heard, “Oh, wait until you have kids. You won’t do any of those things.” I’ll give you this much - people change after they have children and they may be more or less strict than they imagined. BUT, you don’t know me. You don’t know what makes me tick, and how I will be when I have children. You could be right in some aspects, but you probably won’t be in most so please don’t even say it. Do not speak that over me, and do not demean my intentions. That also goes for saying things like this to single women about when they get married. I was told all kinds of things, and NONE of them were true. I am married. Yes it’s hard. It is as hard for me as being single was, just different. My husband is an active participant and we share gender roles. This is what WE chose and I chose. It works for us, and all of those snide comments I heard as a single woman before marriage do not apply. Many came as well meaning, but many perhaps reflected something that they needed to face within themselves. We could, however, be more truthful in sharing the difficulties of both stages. Can we be honest and let others know how hard marriage is before they get married? Not in a “don’t do it way” but an honest way? Can we understand that being single is fun sometimes and not fun at other times? Just because single women aren’t carrying a burden for 2 doesn’t mean that it’s not just as hard sometimes. Difficulties shift for all of us, despite our roles. Let’s be gentle in our approaches.

The intent for this is not to be an angry post but to reveal how some of us feel when we are faced with what sometimes feels like leverage. I say this because I’ve seen so many friends and coworkers get asked that question while I stand to the side knowing of their infertility, miscarriages, desires to be a parent. I watch them feel judged or “sized up” for not having kids. I have seen their and my own professional abilities be questioned due to personal choices or differences. We have to stop. We owe this to each other. Maybe we can use more “I” statements instead of “you won’t,” “you need,” “just you wait.” I know this can be done because most of my friends are extraordinary moms and they navigate this beautifully.

We are women first We are not defined by our roles. Let’s do what is right for us, but treat each other with respect.

 

Who run the world? Girls! (It wouldn't be complete without a shout out to Beyoncé)

We are all in this together,

Danielle

PS: I cannot for the life of me fix the changing fonts throughout. Whatever.

Prioritizing friendships

I’ve been making invite lists for the wedding in April. It is a telling time trying to taper down all the people you know into less than 100 to comply with site guidelines. Unknowingly, it was an invitation to evaluate friendship, what it is to me, and what do I value in my relationships with women in particular. 

This blog aligns with my previous ones on women that you can find here, here, and here. As a single woman for more years than I expected, “women” and how to do "woman" well have been a passion of mine. I am not going to claim to know your circumstances, and I don't need to. I am not passing judgment on anyone here. I realize that I am not yet married. However, I hope that you will hold me accountable to what you read here because I will strive to be a good “girlfriend” to the women I care about. I also want to be a good “girlfriend” to myself. I am me. In addition, I am (to be) wife, sister, daughter, friend, SLP, etc. These are not compartmentalized. They are ME. 

I think the despair started as I began the list and forgot to include people that I have once known to the best of friends. How does that happen? If you are so close, what happened? For some of my friends, the friendship changed when a husband and/or children came. I know that I gave up. I have decided that after so many unaccepted invites, I am resigning as champion for a friendship. I get it that life has changed, but that does not change the value of my life and my time. We all live full lives. We are all "busy" but we all have the ability to prioritize and show that something has value. When you bring forth your busy married schedule so that I can fit into it, it unintentionally says "My schedule has more value." I get it that one could be dancing inside knowing that they are no longer on match.com when they listen to the woes of a friend. I get it that it feels like listening to a broken record sometimes. But listen past that, listen to the pain of a friend. A friend just wants to know that you are “really” present and always will be despite circumstances. Maybe you avoid because you don’t know what to say. Well, I know for a lot of my “crap” I’ve been through, I would love for someone to just say that they don’t know what to say but that they’ll sit with me. It doesn’t seem that hard to me but apparently it is. I hear this over and over again among my friends. What are we doing wrong?

At first, I felt like maybe there’s a different culture in California. I never experienced this incongruity with friendships in the South. My friends are my friends. I’ve had the same friends since junior high. I’m the last single one. Do I feel like it when I visit them? Nope. Do they go on and on about their children and isolate me in conversation? Nope. Do they make a point to make me a priority and visit me during my trips at my convenience? YES! I’ve never had a group of 4 girls first turn the convenience to “finding a sitter” or “other scheduled activities.” At this point, we don’t even have as much in common as I would expect but we are committed to each other. When we convene, we eat. We laugh. We share stories. We are women. The roles are like floating hats above our heads that do not hinder our ability to share. They do not allow us to compartmentalize or isolate. A few who have moved away from our hometown make the hour drive at the time that works for me as my time is limited when I’m home. Imagine that, the married with 2-3 kids each adhere to the single’s schedule. 

One of those girlfriends has been my friend since elementary school. It’s the kind of friendship that you hope never changes but secretly know may because of life circumstances. Luckily, it hasn't. My first recollections of Jennifer are from 1^st or 2^nd grade. We went to the same church and elementary school. We lived maybe a mile from each other. We remained close friends throughout senior year of high school seeing each other several times per week. College separated us and then my move to CA built a greater divide. I want to be better about talking to her between visits home but even though we don’t, all is the same when we get together. It feels like two high school girls chatting about the “goings on” that week and that no time has passed. She married and now has 3 children. She has been a role model on how to do friendships and marriage well. Her husband is supportive and will keep all of the children so that she can come out and visit. She and her husband have been one of my first models of a truly happy and healthy marriage. She has alternated her time between working as a Nurse Practitioner and being a stay-at-home mother. I’ve never heard her say “But the kids…” or “I’m so busy” when I’ve told her I’m coming home. I hear “when & where?” Our meet-ups over cocktails at a casino have become one of my highlights of going home. How does she grow more gorgeous by the year?! 

 e of my first models of a truly happy and healthy marriage. n come out and visit.  end. e guidelines

As I said before, I began to feel like maybe it’s the California lifestyle and culture. Thankfully, I was proven wrong. I have a great group of girlfriends that I met through work but I see often outside of work. Some of us have been in a cooking group for 2 years now. It’s been another opportunity to see women prioritize friendships and themselves for at least once monthly. We all dip into the various aspects of our lives from singleness to children to pain to celebrations.

Luckily, I was blessed with another beautiful woman who does “woman” and frankly, everything, well. I met Jennifer at work (another Jennifer!) and slowly began to know her outside of work. I was fascinated by her layers, more and more revealed through time. She kind of peels from “sweet friend” to “amazing cook” to “creative genius” to “Where do you hide your cape, Superwoman?” What I love about watching her life is that it is full. She’s married, mothers 3 girls (2 of which are twins), and works as a pediatric Occupational Therapist. She cooks “for real” dinners every night, and she is not on a rotating food schedule for convenience. She finds time for girlfriends. Sometimes it is paired with kids with other moms. Sometimes it is solo. She always attends our events that we have scheduled as a group. I see that the question for me when I see her at her best always seems to be “How do you do it all?” but I know from watching how much love that she invests in each person and project that the answer is simply because she wants to do it all.

What happens if we stop using our “busy schedules” or our kids as a barrier to friendships? 

Is it avoidance? 

Are we complacent instead of striving to be our best, something that can be spurred on by other close girlfriends?  

Or “you don’t know my husband….”? Yet I see YOU keep the kids while he prioritizes his friends and I watch you become more and more isolated

I get it, some friendships are transient and temporary. People come and go in our lives. this blog is meant to keep perspective in mind for those that you feel that you truly care about and consider closest friends.

Think about the last time you talked to or visited a “close friend.” Maybe a phonecall or a visit is due today or this week. Maybe you should ask what time is best for her, and not what works with your schedule as much. I'm not saying that you have to now devote a huge chunk to keeping friends, but rather, integrate it throughout your life. For some, there's a close friend that you've been putting off contacting for more than a year.

We have to continue working with each other, not against. I too embrace this challenge as my seasons are changing.

We must do “woman” well.

Love, 

Danielle 

Kisha, Natasha, Alisha & Jennifer, thank you all for going before and showing me the road to becoming a better friend, "balancer," mother, and wife--not to mention Christian woman.

Tim & Andy: BESIDE every good woman is an equally good man. Thank you modeling what it means to be a husband that cares for and prioritizes his wife's emotional well-being and healthy friendships. Thank you for all the childcare while your wives invested in other women.

On taking boudoir shots...

A month ago, I took boudoir shots.

I don’t even know where to start because I have so much to say about this topic.

First off, taking boudoir shots has always been a “bucket list” item for me. Catch that, “for me!?” I have always just wanted to capture a different side of me and have that to look back on when I’m old and less in love with my body. I love photography. I love taking pictures, having pictures to hold, and just looking at good photos. It never seemed anything to be but photos, just art. No negativity was attached to it.

Then I saw a post online. It was by a Christian woman who stated a negative comment regarding taking boudoir pictures for your husband. *Gulp* Your HUSBAND?!?! Creating pornographic pictures for your husband?!?! Now, this got me fired up on so many levels.

Did it change my mind about taking photos as an unmarried woman? No.

Will I let someone impose shame upon me and my body? No.

Didn’t God create our unique bodies and sex? 

Why do “Christians” have to turn sex and art into something dirty?

Why are these pictures "dirty" just because there is a bedroom ambiance? I’m fairly certain that I was more clothed than many teenagers on the beach frolicking after church. 

See, the part of that statement that fired me up most was HUSBAND. I firmly believe that acts in a healthy married relationship create intimacy, promote healing, and unlock barriers. I believe that sex is designed for just that. It is essential. I do not believe a woman using her body or "sexiness" to manipulate men is right, and that is not what I’m talking about. If your husband sees you nude after the shower, why can’t he see you semi-nude or nude in a photo that only he sees? While I do not feel that we are responsible for another’s sin, I feel that we can help husbands avoid looking elsewhere by appreciating our bodies as women and being intimate with a husband (which includes being adventurous and fun).

I’m not married yet so I have the disclaimer that I will have a lot to learn. But these are all my thoughts based on my own spirituality and what I know about God. I mean, God-God, not what any shamed-based religion told me about God.

I loved taking the shots. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. It wasn’t awkward. Maybe it wasn’t awkward because my body is what it is and I own it. I don’t believe most women look like the women on the cover of magazines because I know they have been edited. We are imperfect. Our bodies tell stories. Each scar, stretch mark, or whatever tell some kind of story that most likely changed our lives in some way. Can we celebrate that? I live in my personal reality and not in the atmosphere that media has tried to dictate for me to reside.  Could I be skinnier? Yes. I refused to wait for that ever-changing "target goal weight" to take the pictures. What if I don’t get there? What if I gain weight? I’ll then want to be back here, now, at this weight. If I reach my target, I can celebrate with new pictures. 

It was so hard to actually choose less than 20 pictures from near the 2000 that I wanted to have forever in my possession. When I went in for the viewing, I was in awe of how beautiful I looked am.  The photographer did a fantastic job of catching the right moments and right angles to show my curves in the best way for me to better appreciate them. These are the same curves I see in the mirror and scheme methods to erase. 

I kept thinking how I wish that all women see themselves as they are in the photographs. The photographs are US. I chose not to be edited at all. No photo-shopping off arm fat.  No taking off extra tummy. I am me. I am beautiful. I am exactly who God created me to be.  I wrote a post before on how women should see themselves that you can read here. I imagine so many women holding their chins up higher when they walk in a room more confidently when they have that image in their heads of them in their photographs—NOT the image they see in the mirror at night or in the mornings when an inner voice whispers lies. 

This is a bucket list item that I loved checking off. I highly encourage ALL women to do this. If you need an excuse, sure do it for your husband’s birthday or a holiday or an anniversary. He will love it. But know that it is more than okay to do it for YOU!

You're beautiful. Believe it.

Love,

Danielle

 She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10

Follow up to an old post

In May, I posted THIS blog so pop back there and read it for an overview and then come back.....

Back?

A lot of this idea birthed after one single experience one Sunday evening. I went for a walk around the neighborhood. Pain and loneliness crept up as I walked down the street smelling dinner cooking, hearing the clanking of dishes and tables being set, and chatter from groups of people congregated within the walls. Those are such sounds of joy to be celebrated. But, as joyous as they are, they come with another side of the coin. Sunday night seems to be the slow time of the week. Families are spending time together. People are preparing for Monday. It seems to me to be one of the most painful nights of the week as a single person. Less is going on that invites you in like a Friday or Saturday. You are anticipating the busy-ness of the work week that catapults you through to the next Friday/Saturday. I began to hurt for others who don't know anyone to share a Sunday night with. I even ached for those who don't know the pain that is out there and that are unaware of the key to happiness they hold.  I knew that WE need to create a space to allow both to come together to see what they have to offer. Each can make a change and create a chain reaction.

So after much prayer, preparation and numerous divine confirmations, this group launched September 7! Seven women committed to 5 months of meeting to "do" community at the table. I knew some of the seven, and some I had never met. The group is so mixed with each woman so fabulous in her own way bringing something so unique to the table.

I dare not give much detail regarding the introduction or the upcoming nights for fear of spoiling the surprise for future participants and being able to change as the Spirit leads. I'll give an overview of the introduction. If you are ever interested in doing this and are not local, please email me and I'll share what I have so far and what has worked!

We plan to meet 5 times: introduction & for each part of the book, Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist

table for 8 ready to go....

each person carefully & prayerfully chosen 

special home made plates for special people for special occasions: I believe in birthdays. I believe each person should be celebrated. We never get tired of being set apart, right? Why stop traditions at adulthood?

recipe & ingredients basket for South African Smoors

recipe & ingredients for South African yellow rice

 recipe & ingredients for dessert (Malva Pudding, a South African dish)

busy at work: 

measuring, mixing, simmering serving as a platform for organic conversation & laughter

As of now, this is something that we are planning to do twice a year, each time with a different group of women. The hope is that by learning and doing, women will feel comfortable launching off to do a variation of this on their own. Love will spread, one kitchen at a time. One table at a time.

We all left with full hearts and full bellies.

Invite a friend over for dinner this week. It doesn't have to perfect. They may not accept but I promise he or she will not forget the gesture.

Love,

Danielle