Christmas 2015

2015 has been a hard year with so many emotional changes and transitions and getting back on our feet. I usually get the "Christmas blues" at this time and this year definitely topped the cake. I love the holiday and traditions but I don't love the commercial take-over it can become. It takes so much more searching to find that hope that Jesus came to bring so long ago. I had become weary from treading water and constantly looking for it in a time in the United States that is just ugly. Hopelessness invades us as we watch the news and become overwhelmed with all that is going wrong. This season seemed to overflow with hatred, anxiety and fear. Horrific things happened. Too many deaths within my 6 degrees of separation happened. My mom is sick. I'm not where I think I should be or want to be in life, and I begin to compare to others  which is never ever good. It was all wrapped up under my imaginary tree this year. For weeks I have thought about how Christmas comes in Winter (see my post about Seasons here). In my mind, it is most fitting that way. In the middle of the "blues" and darkness and tragedy and bitterness, hope comes as the most vulnerable in the darkest times. A baby. A poor baby. A baby with a questionable story to others. What King is born under those circumstances? How could anyone have known the greatness from this smallness? That was it - I was reminded that hope and love most often come in small packages, not grand ones. It comes in the vulnerable, the weak, and the least expected. I was reminded with each of the 400,000 cards arrived to Safyre (I lost count after that), refugees were placed in homes and able to just sit and relax, when the Anonymous Santa paid off items on lay-a-way for people, and the list goes on. All of the small tokens of kindness and love become brighter. A little brightness lights up a dark room and when we all bring more of it, the darkness retreats and is no more. The pastor at the church we have been attending even touched on this after I have been stewing on it for weeks so it hit home a little more as a confirmation. I have to hang on to that thought for 2016 and remember "what a difference a year makes" and "the best is yet to come!" 

Luba and I just got back from being in Mississippi for the holidays. We left Wednesday evening, spent the night in Winona (MS), and drove the remainder of the journey on Christmas Eve morning. We only had 1 mishap going...I punched in the address to the hotel without adding the zip code and we passed our hotel. Oops! From where we were (our GPS final destination in a field rather than Comfort Inn), we could see a Holiday Inn with a huge cross next to it. We have seen this before as we passed by and we drove along the road to look at it. To my surprise, the road that leads to it was "Bro. Johnny Walker Road."

Bro. Johnny Walker was the pastor of my childhood church and the father of one of my best friends as a child. He was such an integral part of my early faith and foundation. I thought of my friend/his daughter, Candace, and wondered if I could find her online. I have searched for her and wondered about her for years but never found her. I looked her up on Facebook and there she was, finally a fruitful search, so I sent a friend request. Once we were checked in and settled into our hotel, I got a message from her and we were able to reconnect. My heart was full at the moment - no additional gifts needed. I needed that down to my soul and core. If you are from Lucedale, you know the Walker family was a gift to the community and First Baptist Church. They are truly special people and few come close to the warmth, hospitality and integrity of this family. Having that online connection with her woke something up in my soul. It just brought back so many memories.

Luba and I spent the entire time home between Mom's, Daddy's, and my brother Cary's homes. We laughed, ate, watched TV, and played Cards Against Humanity. There was a lot of porch swinging and listening to the rain. You can see that here (after you take your Dramamine):

It was just great to be home and focused solely on family. I am truly grateful that we live closer.

We made the drive back Sunday, stopping over in Winona again for LUNCH WITH THE WALKER FAMILY! We had casually mentioned meeting up but most of the time those things never work out so I didn't get my hopes up. We left Lucedale and headed out. Only 1 mishap happened on the way back - missing our interstate connection. Oops again! We backtracked a lot and wound up having to take back roads and country highways so we had this view for a looooong time:

We arrived a bit late but arrived. I can't even express how awesome to pull in to their drive and see my long lost friend waiting outside! THIS is how Facebook excels - reunions! We had the best time catching up but it was not nearly enough time for the years missed. When you reunite with childhood friends and their families, it truly feels that no time has passed.

Luba and I both wanted to stay longer but had to head out for the remaining 6 hours drive. We definitely plan to go back down and visit again, for a longer amount of time. Mrs. Dolores and Candice of course sent us on our way with travel mugs of sweet tea, a mason jar filled with extra tea, cheese & crackers, sandwiches, oranges, dessert, and water for the road. 

It was a great holiday - but as I say every year, next year will be less busy, more decorative, less commercial, and more intentional. And, I'll start much earlier.....

Remember: the best is yet to come! 

Happy New Year!
Danielle

Christmas 2015 (letter): looking back over the year

Hello friends & family!

Is it already this time again? I can’t even believe it! I hope this letter and card finds you well. This has been quite the year for us so I thought it deserved a separate recap!

As most of you know I had a major health scare and surgery that closed out 2014. That brought on a lot of thoughts about future events – both good and bad. We realized how isolated we were in California. Although we had a huge “family” of friends and my beloved workplace, we knew we wanted to be closer to my immediate family, especially as we begin to think of beginning our own. We wanted to be closer to family in case there were emergencies or health changes (mine or others) and we wanted to be part of their lives – not the visiting aunt and uncle. Since Luba’s family is far away (in South Africa), this relocation would be beneficial to all. We started making mental and tangible plans to relocate to St. Louis, where Letetia lives.

We checked final items off of our California bucket list in early 2015 and I applied for jobs in St. Louis. We made plans to road trip to our new home in April 2015. Saying goodbye to friends, co-workers, and clients/families was brutal. I stayed in denial and shock until the car hit the freeway heading out of Orange County. We checked many states off of our “states visited together” list this year. Luba got to see a lot of America through the road trip, as did I. We stopped at so many quirky & fun spots along the way (pictured: spray painting at Cadillac Ranch). We also stayed in some spooky places that we can now laugh about without a rising heart rate.

We arrived and moved in to our apartment on May 1. Since then, we have been settling in to new routines and making connections. I started work on May 18 at Easter Seals Midwest as a behavior analyst providing behavior therapy and ABA supervision/staff & family training for children and adults with autism. Luba started working at the International Institute in July. I also opened a private practice for speech pathology to allow me to keep up with my skills and build my network providing my first love, speech and language therapy.

We live about 5 miles from Letetia and her family and we love it (picture from Apple Picking at Eckert’s Farms). We have had lots of double dates and time with her kids. As Brady said: WE CAN DO FAMILY DINNERS! We even stayed over and were “insta-parents” while they vacationed in Mexico for 1 week. We are also driving distance (10 hours) to Mississippi (home) and have made the drive once already to visit my parents. I love that we can also visit family by meeting half way in Tennessee or somewhere else if we want! Everyone is much more accessible.

We like St. Louis so far. It’s in a great location for us geographically. We made it to 2 Cardinals games (picture from Busch Stadium) and have tickets for the Rams for December! Fly over state? Psssht. Within 8 hours, we can drive to so many cool cities. We have gone to Louisville Kentucky for the weekend (picture at Churchill Downs) once and are trying to plan Chicago, Nashville, Memphis and Kansas City. I love being able to hop in the car and go somewhere fun and a have a choice of states! We are loving the seasons but also bracing for initiation into Winter, coming soon.

We are also trying to plan a trip to South Africa for Spring 2016. This will be Luba’s first time home since coming in 2013 (he just celebrated his 2-year America-versary). I have not been since 2012 after going yearly for 6 years so I’m dying to get back there as well. This year’s trip will be very different for us. If you are in South Africa, WE CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU!

Please keep in contact with us. Our contact info is on the back of the cards. We would love to hear from you & know everything!

With love and warmest of wishes, Danielle & Luba

A picture is worth a thousand words right? Highlights from the year: 

Another plea for women (& Moms)

I have a small plea to all women, and especially moms, out there. This is on behalf of women like me who do not yet have kids, for whatever reason. Please don’t judge us now, or how we may be in the future, according to our “childlessness” or our dreams in how we raise our future children.

Sounds like common sense, right? Who would do that? Maybe I’m imagining a portion of it, but the feelings are still real. My identity as a woman is not defined by profession, marriage, or children, or anything else. Yours is not either. Aren’t you glad?

This has been on my mind for some time but it’s hard to get my thoughts down without sending naive or angry. Bear with me.

We are all different. We want different things - marriage vs. single, adoption vs. biological, children vs. no children, single parent vs. co-parent, career first vs. children first, and the list goes on. Each woman must do what is right for her.

It all sort of “came to a head” recently when someone asked me in a horrid tone of voice, accompanied by an equally offensive facial expression, “tell me, do you have kids?” The context (whether personal or professional) of it doesn’t matter, but the point of it does. It was a blatant attempt to discredit me in that moment. This was not a friendly “get to know you” question.

I’ve been challenged as a professional in this way, and this seems the most unfair. Sometimes it is hard working as a therapist without being a parent. There’s an element that gives you an advantage, I think, when you do have kids so that you can connect to others in a different, more personal, way. Being a parent/therapist does not, however, ensure aptitude. I know I have had experience living with and caring for my sister’s kids so I have only a glimpse into how hard parenting is and how busy parents are in those few hours after school and before bed. Because of that, I always try and provide home programming that works into current routines and does not add a burden. I strive to be sympathetic and truly listen to their stories and difficulty, and sometime excuses. I don’t like arbitrary things for the “sake of doing them” so that reflects in my approach in my profession. I don’t need to have children of my own to know that sometimes you have to pick cooking a good meal over sitting down and working on a certain sound or other skill that a therapist has given for homework. Sometimes you are entrusted with children that do require extra attention and upheaval of schedules, and I know that too. You may have children but I have worked with hundreds. It doesn’t mean I know more, but it does mean I have experience with a variety of children, diagnoses, settings and dynamics. You can respect that for what it is and why you are with me - a professional relationship. You do not “get to” dive into my personal business to discredit me. Can a doctor not prescribe you medication because he or she doesn’t have kids? Do you not trust your dentist because maybe they don’t have kids? No. Same goes for me. Same goes for teachers. Treat us with respect and as an individual trained in our profession. I get it - there are therapists or teachers who may not have experience with seeing first hand what a day look like post-school and pre-bedtime. Instead of discrediting them as an individual or professional, just try enlightening them. Like we all do, we understand more things with experience. We are all young and idealistic, but we all learn and flex and change. We can teach each other from our roles without tearing each other down.

I wonder what this person would have said if I had responded in any of these ways which were all true feelings that came rushing over me in response to, “tell me, do you have children?”

• No I don’t, and I cry many nights over this fact. My heart races as my mind is flooded with budgets, current financial balances, cost expectations with having children, my age, my desires, my husband’s wishes, etc. My mind never stops rolling these through like credits that never stop after the movie ends.
• No, but I can already imagine my daughter twirling around in her pink tu-tu. Did you know we already have her name picked out?
• No, but I plan to foster-to-adopt and I am going to lovingly choosing a difficult road, one that will include attending to special needs in some capacity. We plan to specifically find a black son. Did you know that less than 10% of adoptive parents will even choose that race and gender?
• No I don’t yet and even seeing women who are pregnant or gushing over their newborns feels like a knife through my soul. I’m so happy for them but I’m also reminded of what I do not yet have. When will this be me?
• No, I don’t by choice right now but what I find out that I will struggle from infertility?

I have also heard, “Oh, wait until you have kids. You won’t do any of those things.” I’ll give you this much - people change after they have children and they may be more or less strict than they imagined. BUT, you don’t know me. You don’t know what makes me tick, and how I will be when I have children. You could be right in some aspects, but you probably won’t be in most so please don’t even say it. Do not speak that over me, and do not demean my intentions. That also goes for saying things like this to single women about when they get married. I was told all kinds of things, and NONE of them were true. I am married. Yes it’s hard. It is as hard for me as being single was, just different. My husband is an active participant and we share gender roles. This is what WE chose and I chose. It works for us, and all of those snide comments I heard as a single woman before marriage do not apply. Many came as well meaning, but many perhaps reflected something that they needed to face within themselves. We could, however, be more truthful in sharing the difficulties of both stages. Can we be honest and let others know how hard marriage is before they get married? Not in a “don’t do it way” but an honest way? Can we understand that being single is fun sometimes and not fun at other times? Just because single women aren’t carrying a burden for 2 doesn’t mean that it’s not just as hard sometimes. Difficulties shift for all of us, despite our roles. Let’s be gentle in our approaches.

The intent for this is not to be an angry post but to reveal how some of us feel when we are faced with what sometimes feels like leverage. I say this because I’ve seen so many friends and coworkers get asked that question while I stand to the side knowing of their infertility, miscarriages, desires to be a parent. I watch them feel judged or “sized up” for not having kids. I have seen their and my own professional abilities be questioned due to personal choices or differences. We have to stop. We owe this to each other. Maybe we can use more “I” statements instead of “you won’t,” “you need,” “just you wait.” I know this can be done because most of my friends are extraordinary moms and they navigate this beautifully.

We are women first We are not defined by our roles. Let’s do what is right for us, but treat each other with respect.

 

Who run the world? Girls! (It wouldn't be complete without a shout out to Beyoncé)

We are all in this together,

Danielle

PS: I cannot for the life of me fix the changing fonts throughout. Whatever.