Where my heart is

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
-Matthew 6:21

Does this look like treasure?

Just 1 month ago, I would not have said “no” but “hell no!” I like things clean. I like things organized. I don’t keep “stuff.” I already envision trashing the magazine before I’ve even finished reading it. I love purging—I spring clean at least 3 times a year.You will never see me on Hoarder's.

The above pictures show me now. Now, I’m not annoyed. I don’t see junk, I see the future. I see inconvenience on a lot of fronts. I hear laughter. I feel the whisper of a reminder of provision from above. I feel the pride radiating from the Heavens that a child is being obedient and following in His son's footsteps in caring for the orphan. I feel the weight of carrying around a kid that’s too tired from fun or carrying the child in a football hold because there’s a tantrum and I’ve abandoned my shopping cart because I’m too embarrassed to stay in the store. I feel the satisfaction (though not ease) of a dream come true for one big girl and one small girl. I feel the sense of completion, already.

I’m now addicted to other people's junk. I no longer see it as junk, a nuisance, or inconvenience…or just not worth the time. It now hinges a community on a foundation of support and preparation. Thank you to all of my “recycle crew” that is finding, keeping, and giving me recyclables—especially to those of you, who like “my former self,” find it hard to hang on to them when a dumpster is oh-so-nearby-and-calling. I’m excited for this to see how bringing it all together adds up. I’m really hoping for a miraculous fishes & loaves turnout this year (I’ve got the theme of provision filtering through life these days). For my friends who don’t attend church, I’m going to post the story at the bottom of the post for reference. For more info on this project (the “what” and the “why”), see here.

Intentional.

Expectant.

Love,

Danielle

The story of the fishes & loaves (Matthew 14: 13-21, the Message)

When Jesus got the news, he slipped away by boat to an out-of-the-way place by himself. But unsuccessfully—someone saw him and the word got around. Soon a lot of people from the nearby villages walked around the lake to where he was. When he saw them coming, he was overcome with pity and healed their sick. Toward evening the disciples approached him. "We're out in the country and it's getting late. Dismiss the people so they can go to the villages and get some supper." But Jesus said, "There is no need to dismiss them. You give them supper." "All we have are five loaves of bread and two fish," they said. Jesus said, "Bring them here." Then he had the people sit on the grass. He took the five loaves and two fish, lifted his face to heaven in prayer, blessed, broke, and gave the bread to the disciples. The disciples then gave the food to the congregation. They all ate their fill. They gathered twelve baskets of leftovers. About five thousand were fed.

confirmation....

Yesterday, I sent out a very personal blog post. I feel like I always have the angel and devil situated on my shoulders like you see in the cartoons. One whispers truths and one whispers lies, and unfortunately the lies are easier to attend to because you’ve already told them to yourself over and over in the past. As soon as I woke up, my first thought was “What the hell were you thinking by spilling your innermost thoughts, blasting them all over the internet to the whoevers in whereever-land?!” This came to me a few times as I was writing it yesterday too since I’m an introvert who gets grumpy when someone gets in my business when its not my idea or within my time frame to share that information.

On the way to work this morning, I was thinking about one of my loves at work and something that happened last week when I saw him. We played a game while working on our language skills to make it more enticing. Often games backfire as kids start to become competitive. I never let kids win since that is not “real life” for them so its all up to chance with the spinner as it would be with their friends. Well, “G” went first , counted spaces, and then made his way with his pawn to his designated spot. Then I went and scored a higher number and moved ahead of him. His face dropped. All he could see was what was immediately ahead and the fact that I passed him and he began to negotiate. I knew this was going to be a looooooong game! Then something I wasn’t expecting happened. When he took his turn, passed me, and put his pawn on his spot, he took mine and put it next to him. I asked why he did that because I hadn’t yet spun and he was ahead. He batted his long eyelashes and looked at me with his beautiful eyes, and he said “Because I love you and I want you to be right next to me.” He did this for every turn. He had no way of knowing that day how much I appreciated someone swooping me up and taking me alongside--even if during a silly game. Okay not a big deal in the grand scheme of things other than it melts your heart? Not for me. I spend a lot of time looking ahead at the obstacles in the immediate future, not considering the vastness ahead of those or even the finish line, and I’ve subsequently forfeited a few dreams. This was a loving reminder that I needed to spend more time “looking back” to appreciate how far I’ve come, provisions have always been made, and how I’ve been prepped for where I am now.

I was thinking of that this morning as I drove down the 22 headed for work while staring into a dismal horizon. The sky was an ugly blue, still sleepy with rain in the forecast. I glanced back in the rearview and my breath was taken away by the sun waking up and reaching over the mountains. The sky was all shades of orange and utterly amazing to see. Then, when I looked ahead, I began to notice that the back of the signs reflected the orange color as did the windows of tall office buildings. The light trickled ahead allowing me to see it in places that I would not have thought to look had I not seen the sunrise behind me. Yet another timely beautiful reminder.

I knew then that this was my confirmation for posting yesterday. The exposure and transparency of my story will help others check their “rearview” and look back in order to gain encouragement to look ahead again and continue pursuing their dreams, whatever they may be.

It is time....

So many of you have asked…What are your plans? What is this glow that you have about? What’s the latest with your adoption dream? Well, this post should answer those questions and more importantly let you know how you can be a part of it.

For a background, please click here for the post that explains why I didn’t move to Austin and about the beginning of actively praying for a child in need.

Why adoption?

I’ve walked around with a heavily weighted heart for orphans for years and stayed within the “one day” state of mind. On November 6, 2011 at NewSong, we had Orphan Sunday. Several adoptive families went up on stage to dedicate their children who have “come home.” It was a beautiful celebration with tears of joy but also with tears of sadness. These families are truly my heroes. So many already have “the perfect” biological family but have chosen to further open their hearts to love the orphaned through foster or adoption. On that Sunday, I prayed for a child that needs/will need a home and would be mine. I’m not sure if he/she is born yet or what his/her current circumstances are but I prayed that God would prepare our lives to one day meet. This was step one of the process.

I’ve always wanted to adopt, from a young age, and I’m not sure how I came to want that because I knew no one that had adopted. I was also not accustomed to seeing multiracial families. It was when I went to Guatemala and South Africa and visited orphanages that it solidified in my heart and made sense. This is just who I am and the seed was planted from early on.

I want the family I dreamed of with a as-close-to-perfect-as-you-can-get-and-still-be-normal husband, me, and kids of our own along with adopted children. Until now, that hasn’t been in the cards for me. In a perfect world, I’d have that prior to initiating this whole process but we don’t live in a perfect world, do we? If we did, this post would be unnecessary and adoption would not even exist. I never wanted to settle down early because I wanted to be successful and independent as a woman first and have some dreams put to rest before having children. Unfortunately, this leaves me, along with many other women in their 30s, with limited options in the man department. Having been single and “in waiting” and still holding out hope for the one that God intends me to have, I know the loneliness of being alone and feeling like the one last chosen to be on the kickball team in elementary school. I feel like in a similar but different and very very small way, I feel the same as many children out there in need of a home. We both ache for different reasons but both long for a family and someone to be on “our team” for good. More on that can be found on this blog post.

Since that time, I’ve been busy researching blogs of women who’ve charted the path of adoption as a single, interviewed single moms on their juggling and budgeting skills, started a specific savings account for adoption, and have attended adoption meetings through international agencies and Orange County Social Services. There was a lot of “safe” action going on in the name of preparation for that “one day.”

In the past few weeks, I feel this urging and voice that says “it’s time.”

It feels that the dialogue is continually this:

God: It’s time

Me: “One day”

God: It’s time

Me: I’m prepping

God: Put feet on it. It’s time. Create a space and I’ll fill it.

This moves me out of my comfort zone and prompts me to action. It feels like when you are a kid and you go on the high dive for the first time. You stand at the edge that moves with your weight and stare down at the water. I’ve been standing there a long time.

The themes that come to mind are:

Be intentional.

Be expectant.

I’ve been fortunate to have such a supportive community and thank those of you who have offered countless words of encouragement or who have attended meetings with me so I’m not sitting alone among couples.

I appreciate any words of encouragement or advice in planning. Please do refrain from saying things like the following—phrases which I’m more than capable of telling myself:

• Having a child is hard.
• Raising a child is expensive.
• It's hard without a husband/I fall apart when my husband is on a business trip.
• Are you sure you want to do this?
• That’s a big responsibility.
• You’ll have to change your lifestyle.

I get it. It will be hard, I know. I know that I can’t even fathom how hard it will be until the time comes. I know that it'll be even harder because I'm loving children who no longer trust adults. I know that I’m taking the road less taken. I know I’m putting the “cart before the horse.” I know that I will raise a huge question mark.

But I also love this: It further creates my story—the story that was written for me long ago and it being fulfilled. It opens doors for conversation. It opens doors for healing. It puts me in alignment to being me.

Here are some other things I do know:

I’m strong and I persevere-always.

With being single and having family on the other side of the nation, I haven’t had the luxury of depending on others for help with big-decision making, doing mundane tasks, or just making life easier in the simplest of ways. I know what is like to drive yourself to the ER with a pain level of 10 on the 1-10 scale because no one is available when you need to go. I think this long journey of inconvenience has been great prep for this moment. I’ve learned so much through even the small tasks. One day before a wedding, I tried to get dressed and the dress was new and impossible to button by one’s self because the button holes (2 of the #$%@ things) were cloth and not worn in yet as well as dang hard to reach without rubber arms. The inability to simply get dressed for yet another person’s wedding caused a mini-meltdown. I was determined to do this and after 30-45 minutes of sweating off my make-up, shouting expletives at the top of my lungs, and cursing singleness for this one day, I buttoned those 2 buttons. I know that it’s a menial task but it was just the tip of the iceberg of bigger things. Besides, this dress made my womanly parts look even womanlier so it was going to this wedding.

I know who I am.

Much to my dismay, I followed friends’ prompts and tried online dating. As I filled out the profile and was forced to think about who I am, I wondered how many married or dating couples are able to describe themselves (in “I” not “we”) at the drop of a hat. It was good practice to remind myself of all that I am. I’ve had many near misses in my past and have had more than 9 lives at this point. I know I’m here for a reason. I’ve always known I’m meant to be a mother—even if not in the most conventional way.

I have a village.

I have the support of family and friends. I’m also walking the journey with others who have adopted at NewSong. I’m surrounding myself with amazing women and mothers through Mom’s group on Friday mornings at NewSong. I have a supportive work environment. I’m great with networking for common denominators.

I am obedient and that obedience will be honored.

I’ve had quite the list of “I’ll never” in my past and each one has come to pass. I think God must have written each one on a post-it note and dropped it down in my timeline at random times while he sat back to enjoy the show. With each one that has come to pass, I feel like he reminds me “My plan is so much better than your plan.” This has been tried and true so I know it’ll continue. One “I’ll never,” has been to never adopt domestically because of the fear and reality of reunification of the child with the birth family. I said I’d only adopt internationally which has been my heart’s desire for as long as I can remember. Now, I’m open to both and am obedient. I know the right situation will present itself and it will work out.

I know that God will provide.

God’ heart is adoption. God has a special place for children and he not asks but demands that we care for the orphans. I have no doubt that with some adjustments on my part, we will be okay.

So, big breath. That’s where I’m at.

Now, how can you be involved?

An African proverb (supposedly African) says “It takes a village to raise a child.” It also takes a village to bring one home.

Want to know some tangible ways you can be the Village right now?

Here are a few easy ones I’ve thought of:

1. Recycle: If you'll save your bottles and pass them on to me, then I'll recycle and put that money into the savings account. I've found that when I save up for months, I barely make enough to buy a latte. I just feel better about taking care of the environment and doing my part. If we think like a village, and put all of the recycling together, so much more can go toward bringing a child home or providing a safe home from abuse. If you are willing to donate recyclables (bottles, juice and water jugs, ink cartridges, beer and wine bottles), then I could pick them up from you when you need or get them at work/church. Free money! You could also watch the village grow by asking your co-workers or students (for teachers) to put recyclables aside for this. If you are willing to do this, please send me an email.
   
2. Hire a babysitter-me!: I've decided to practice giving up some fun weekend nights to care for children. Should you need a babysitter, let me know! You can message me for rates and specifics. All money will go to the adoption savings fund.
   
3. Pray: you can email me for a list of specifics

This blog was long. This process will be long. I've designated 2012 as the year to pay off as much debt as humanly possible and to prepare. I'll start the application process in early 2013. Thank you for reading, hoping, praying, dreaming with me, and for possibly becoming involved. Please remember to be expectant and be intentional along with me.

Much much love,

Danielle

Observing MLK day...

This weekend, I’ve been thinking a lot about Dr. Martin Luther King as the holiday brought his speech to the forefront of my mind. Last week, I read a thread online from a small Southern town (link to town gossip) that brought such anger and sadness. Posts basically in a not-so-nice way stated that people should stick to their own kind and not mix races (even using God’s name in there as it being his intent…WTH?). I know, it’s always the 1% of stupid of any group/race/region that make the other 99% of normal ones shake their heads and wonder why. It made me process through a lot of feelings and at what perfect timing!

I’ve never paid as much mind to MLK day as I have this year. Growing up, I always got fed up with the obligatory Black History month and all the work that went behind it (I know, it has taken years to appreciate the effort of our school system to expose us, I’m a slow learner in some ways). While I valued the efforts of the Civil Rights movers and shakers, I never appreciated focusing in on one individual or race. It was kind of like church to me—force me do it and I’m not interested. But, like church, as an adult when allowed to freely encounter, embrace, and explore it, it became more personal and I began to own it, appreciate it, and apply it. On this day of observance, I sit at the table researching agencies and countries through which to adopt (don’t worry, in the future). Who knows what will happen, but I highly doubt that my future adopted child will have the same lovely transparent pink skin color that I have. I’m also not sure what skin color my future husband will have (God willing and Dear God, you can send him soon please and thanks). This year, the MLK holiday means so much. We’ve come a long way since that movement, but as I sit back and think about the gossip link’s comments, I realize how far we still have to go.

When thinking about my future family who will no doubt blur the lines and may even look like a United Colors of Benetton ad, I share the same dreams that were so eloquently described on that day in 1963.

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

Dr. Martin Luther King

Merriest Christmas!

Before signing off for 2011 and heading home to Mississippi, I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

This is my favorite time of the year!

I love the holidays in that they remind us of how we should live daily and provides opportunities to spend more time with friends and family. While Christmas is a joyous time as many of us celebrate the birth of Jesus, it is also a reminder of the brevity of life. While we celebrate His birth, we all know the rest of the story. While many of us celebrate the joy in the season, others mourn. This could be the first holiday without a loved one, a reminder of a desire for family for many orphans and foster children across the globe, and bittersweet opportunities to make memories for sick loved ones.

If you know me I live life as if there’s no tomorrow because frankly, we aren’t promised it—I drink my special wine with special friends in lieu of “saving it,” I give items away, and I am constantly seizing the moments that others may save for a future date. Some have looked appalled when I say “I may be dead this time next year.” Okay, not the best wording for some but evidence that I’m living life to the fullest. For those that know me (and not even that well), you know I focus on the details more than the big picture. For me, love lies in the details and when it comes together the big picture is beautiful, even if messy in the process. With the ever-increasing chaos of the American Christmas, I’ve been trying to focus on the small blessings and details in life that make the days special.

Here are a few that have come to mind:

• Enjoying laughter with girlfriends over for one of my home-cooked meals
• Long hot bubble baths with a gossip magazine
• Saying things because you mean them, not worrying about what others think or social expectancies
• Snuggling with my babies at work especially when the one I call “Roo” wants to just hold hands (with interlocking fingers, the best kind)
• Impromptu lunch/dinner dates
• Drinking coffee and blogging with nowhere to be
• Turning on the faucet whenever I need/want while knowing many friends around the world don’t have clean water to sustain health and daily activities
• Sleeping in
• An unexpected smile or comment from a stranger
• Good wine and moments wine tasting
• Getting air mail from my sponsored child in Malawi--is she as excited to get mail and packages from me as I am from her?
  

I’ll leave you with a few faces that make this season all the more joyous.

Remember to keep a mental count of the little things all year round and give, give, give!

All the best for this holiday season and looking forward to 2012,

Danielle

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. –James 4:14

Remembering the Best Christmas Gift...

What has been your best Christmas gift so far?

To date, mine has been a hope chest that an old boyfriend made for me. It is a beautiful chest made of cedar and holds remnants of my past and manifestations of hope for what will be fulfilled in the future. I am a softie on the inside (I know, the exterior can be gruff) and treasure tokens of sentiment—hand written cards, unexpected or hand-made gifts, kind words, etc. I loved that he spent the time and energy to plan and build this gift. He probably has no idea how much that meant and still means to me. Well, he will when this post goes public….

Today, an appreciation for another gift came to mind as I sat in church service trying to find healing for a week of wounds. This gift should have always been in the forefront of my mind having had 34 Christmases thus far but it hasn’t struck me as much until this year. I’m most thankful for the gift of salvation which allows me my personal relationship with God.

A couple weeks ago, the verse Exodus 14:14 came to mind which says: The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. I thought it was in relation to something that had happened that week, not realizing it would be something I needed to hear in the week to come.

I know you know this kind of week that I had last week. It wasn’t just one thing or person that caused devastation but it was the daily disappointments that confounded thoughts that swirled in my mind about not being good enough, not deserving specific things, or feeling that when things are too good to be true they are. Every day made me grow more and more disheartened. Disappointment quickly turned into anger and I began to just “lose my religion” (remember that phrase?!) and just start asking a million and one WHYs and a few “Where are you Gods?”

I was reminded that I cannot “lose my religion” and saw the gift of salvation through different eyes. When I was younger, I saw God as something to fear—hence my weekly reciting the sinner’s prayer “just in case” and avoiding questioning the way things are out loud. The God I’ve met during adulthood when I came into my own faith is one who allows me to question and reminds me that I will not lose that gift of salvation. I know that even though I shook my fist in the air and questioned, God never left my side during that week and won’t in any other week. In fact, I’m sure he chuckled at my spiking levels of immaturity and nearsightedness. Although I see it as still being written, my story was written long ago. Because he made me a Type-A worrier oh-so-impatient control freak, he knows I constantly want to read ahead into the next chapter or peek toward the end—so of course he understands my humanness and would never punish me for it. My visual representation tends to be me walking alongside a father figure—sometimes I’m walking next to him and happily chatting, sometimes I’m mad and sullen and refuse to talk but still see him quietly walking beside me giving me my space to feel various emotions, and sometimes I see myself running ahead (we know how that story ends—usually a trip or two).

There’s a song by Audrey Assad that fits the mood quite nicely. She beautifully illustrates redemptive suffering and pain and how sometimes you have to just be in the pain because it has a purpose and that you just want God to be with you. Here’s a link to Youtube for the song and lyrics. It’s worth hearing for sure so go on ahead right now and click here to listen!

Back to Exodus 14:14, here’s how one commentary (Matthew Henry) describes it: “It is always our duty and interest, when we cannot get out of troubles, yet to get above our fears; let them quicken our prayers and endeavors, but not silence our faith and hope. Stand still, think not to save yourselves either by fighting or flying; wait God's orders, and observe them. Compose yourselves, by confidence in God, into peaceful thoughts of the great salvation God is about to work for you. If God brings his people into straits, he will find a way to bring them out.”

And so I wait, but with a greater appreciation of a very special gift this holiday season.

A side note:

Of course, I was reminded of the gift of friendship and community throughout the entire time as close friends listened to me complain, say really stupid and asinine things, and question things that seem really insignificant (but thankfully didn’t remind me of that). A huge shout-out to this 4-some:

• 1) Amanda who never looked irritated each time to on her door at work to ask yet another “Do you think x, y, z?” and checked in often during the day
  
• 2) Xuyen who agreed to eat or Shik Do Rak however many times I needed comfort food and as always indulged me some very candid discussions about the stupid things I’ve done in the most laughable way
  
• 3) Jenn L. who was always available on G-chat for my rambling and eager to make a plan to kick some ass
  
• 4) Brittany, who responded to all my frantic emails from Alabama (Wella Warthog loves Brinny Bear). I thank God that she is on the other side of the nation and is time zones ahead of CA so that I had messages of cheer or encouragement when I woke up.

Because I love pictures, here are some pictures of people who represent blessings & gifts God has given me. Friends make the holiday special.