Maternity leave was truly indescribable in the best of ways and the hardest of situations. I have felt every emotion I think possible from the slightest to the greatest on the continuum. Sometimes, I passed from one end to the other so quickly I had whiplash!
I’ll pick up from the point of leaving the hospital. We were so excited and scared. I think this was the slowest and scariest drive from Mercy to our home. I sat in the back with E and Luba drove.
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| she is too little to ride in a car! |
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| death grip on the steering wheel |
Shortly after arriving home, we were greeted by a dear friend. She showered us with generosity and hospitality. These are truly her gifts. She gives so much of her resources (time, love, meals, you name it) to others. We felt enveloped. As tired new parents, that was hard to beat. We didn’t even know what we needed, but she did. She doesn’t just live down the street so she made a solid drive to love on us. Thank you, Irene! [Side note: we met Irene as soon as we moved to STL. She invited us over for dinner. Luba met her through South African connections online. Spending time with a South African family has helped to alleviate some of the homesickness).
Luba was able to be off for a week. That week home with Luba with just the three of us has been the highlight of my life. Becoming a family of 3 at home was just the best. We both got up with every feeding. We held this girl all day every day. We sat around and stared at her. We looked at each other in wonder -can you believe we created something so beautiful?! Living out the emotions and mistakes was important to us so we opted to not have family too involved this week. We knew everyone would be helpful, but we wanted it to be our moments, our way. We wanted to make all those mistakes first-time parents make and feel all those emotions. Friends’ visits were limited too. I had heard too many “just wait” moments while pregnant and after, and I honestly didn’t want veteran moms to spoil it. [I have a feeling that will be a “what not to say” blog post]
When Luba went back to work, my mom came for a week. It was fun to see her see E for the first time. Those were special moments.
I took a longer maternity leave than I expected or could afford. I was surprised that maternity leaves are not paid and short disability through the state does not pay out. I realized so many things after leaving the California cocoon. However, we saved as much as we could and honestly hoped and prayed for the best. I knew I would have one maternity leave, one biological child. I did not want to have regrets over the difference of a few weeks. I cherished every moment - even the ones that made me wish I were at work instead of home with an inconsolable infant. Don’t worry, the next minute, I would be crying over never wanting to work again. The emotions, and quick changes between emotions, were intense.
Highlights of maternity leave were:
Naps - sometimes this girl would not stay asleep and I was exhausted. If I put her next to me with my lips on her forehead, she would sleep immediately and for a long time.
Road trip to Mississippi to meet her grandfather and other family and friends - she also had her first fever and ER visit right as we planned to walk out the door for a 10-hour drive. SCARY
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| for real, though. Those leg warmers! |
Reading - we read so many books now. When she is sleepy or restless, we may read 2-3. I love that she sometimes falls asleep hearing me read.
Baths - she loves them (like her mom)!
Late night feedings - this was truly sacred time. So many nights, I rocked her and prayed over her, cried over her and soaked her curls. I cried because I loved her so much, because what if she deserved a better mom, because one day someone will hurt her feelings, because I had to work. If you can imagine it- I have shed a tear over it.
Being able to visit cousins by just walking through the alley! My sister and family have helped out so much - nephews and niece as messengers bringing needed supplies, my sister relieving me of baby duties so I can breathe, etc.
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| nothing funnier than baby farts- especially when on your lap |
Trying out all those things that look so easy when others do it (or just post the good pictures) such as taking “weeks” and “months” pictures
this is why her "weeks" pictures are in the rock & play
~ much less traumatic for both of us
~ much less traumatic for both of us
I thought I may read a couple of books while home. I know, I know. Laughable. I had not finished a book while pregnant so why did I think I would read during maternity leave? Oh yeah, I remember - because you think of maternity leave almost like a staycation. One can shower, read, clean, watch TV all while the baby sleeps because when babies go to sleep, they stay asleep, right?
I did start to read one on the importance of the first 3 years and how to prioritize motherhood. I thought this may be a good book to read for professional purposes because my niche is 0-3/early intervention. One thing I have been very conscientious about is combating “mom guilt.” I’ve moved away from any person or situation that may incite this. In the hospital, it was the lactation consultant who reprimanded me for pacifier use. This book was the same. It started out okay other than a few statements about how babies mourn the loss of their mother when she is away. I’ll buy that even though it starts to sting after too many mentions. Once the chapter hit about daycare and how it’s the least desirable option for children, I tossed the book into the trash. It went right on top of the diapers full of poop.
I do not have much choice in childcare due to resources. We made a decision and are comfortable with it. I already think about all the “firsts” I’ll miss. I think of how other women will experience things with my child and know her in a way that I never will. That is haunting. She smells like daycare when I pick her up. I don’t need a book to tell me that my choice was detrimental to her because it's not. Damn this women for putting words out there that invite guilt in moms who do what they can with resources that they have or who have the resources but make the choice to work. I’ve been very careful to craft the rest of the day to limit distractions so that I can focus on her - rare weeknight evenings with friends, a modified work schedule so that I take her to daycare late if I work late so we have mornings together, meal prepping on weekend so I’m not in the kitchen in her last awake moments, etc.
Ten weeks later, I went back to work. I went 2 weeks earlier to start part time so that I could delay full time. It worked out beautifully. I was able to work 4 or so hours a day while she went to daycare and then I still got to spend the bulk of the day with her.
So many of my California tribe texted me on the day I returned to work (so far away, they never forget me). Here, I got texts too. I got back to work to find a gift from co-workers to ease the shock of the day. I didn’t realize what a big day this is for women, and I’ll always work to make that day special for new moms returning to work every chance I get.
Being back at work was good for me. I enjoy working. I enjoy working in a profession that helps others. Having a conversation and making phone calls without fear of interruption (wailing) were welcomed. I am able to slow down when I eat and actually chew and taste my food - I haven’t yet mastered that though.
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| My "stand in" while I was gone |
Eden & Luba sent me something as well to make the day better!
Overall, maternity leave was the hardest thing. Some days I spent watching the clock, counting the moments until Luba got back home. Other times, the day wasn't long enough to fit in all the naps and snuggles. I miss it now. It's a funny thing because as soon as you get in your groove, you somewhat figure out this little person, start to venture out a bit with the baby, it's time to return to work.
It's still so hard to believe this is the new us! The only thing better than being the two of us is being the three of us.
Danielle
