and just like that....we're pregnant!

This post has been a long time coming and so many have asked specific questions so I'm dumping the whole story here. For guys, this post may be TMI....

So, first of all, we've wanted kids for a long time but when are you ever really ready? As I got older, I felt like my time was running out yet I was anxious mulling over all the details, and expectations, and assumptions, and statistics. Oh, the statistics...

I'm going to be "an older mom" although I feel like I'm in my 20s. Okay, I feel a bit wiser so maybe my early 30s. I started to feel like time was running out. Another hiccup came when we found something unexpected in a routine MRI to establish a new baseline after my last surgery (another blog for another day year). Chaos ensued - not only with the worry of "what could be ," "why me AGAIN," but the timing. Time was running out for me if I wanted to have a biological child. This seemed to ruin everything. I waited 6 months for a follow-up in July to find that it was still there (although not bigger) and it was anyone's best guess what it was. Comforting, eh? I had the choice of waiting for another MRI for 6 or 12 months. I chose 12 with the intent of calling back if anxiety totally ate me alive. In my head, I thought I have one year to get pregnant and birth before the next MRI expected to occur in July (2017). Then, I turned to the odds. At my age, I had read that the chance of pregnancy was 5% during that window per month. I'm not sure how true that is, but the number stuck and so did the worry. This is on top of this small window of opportunity per month at any age. I threw all this out the window and just skipped worry to dive into despair. I had so many hard (tearful) conversations with God about where I am versus where I thought I would be and had started to consider the disappointment if I could not be a mom biologically. The silver lining is that I've always planned to adopt and was fully satisfied with this being how I became a mom. However, I also wanted Luba to have a biological child and then this was one of my dreams as well. In short, I adopted a whole lot of undue stress and pressure. I sort of shrank into my cocoon of darkness with little expectations. With my hindsight, how could I have not even considered a giant loving God working all this out already? And actually, it was already worked out without my knowing on so many hard days that I suffered alone in my own whirl of chaos, anxiety, and despair. Isn't that the way it goes? It is done. On so many days I cried between clients tearfully and woefully over-exaggerating NEVER being a mom and pleading, I was harboring my own little being. Already. Just like that. It reminds me of my former boss who was like a mom always reminding me in times when I catapulted into chaos, "God doesn't care about your statistics that you've found. He works outside statistics."

I had just downloaded an ovulation app and couldn't wait to use it. Why not? Let's do this. I imagine watching this unfold was hysterical. Does God get frustrated and shake his head like we do when we watch a poor puppy chase his own tail? Even if he finds it, he never really gets a good hold on it.

Yeah, nothing that was expected happened in 19 days.....or any day after that. It apparently happened immediately when the opportunity presented itself. Take that, odds! Maybe we should think Chris Martin and the big arena of love and awe and magic he creates with Coldplay because Luba backtracked to the weekend of the concert.

In August, I was at a home and felt sick as soon as I walked in the door. I have been in some homes of those in severe poverty in rural Mississippi, dirty homes with bugs on the floor and crawling around/on me and in my therapy bags, packed homes 1-bedroom apartments housing multiple families of immigrants trying to make ends meet, etc. I'm never sickened. I'm not one that ever asks not to go there. I understand hardship. This home was different - the sights, the smells, the circumstances. I almost vomited immediately when I took my first step in the house. I made it through a portion of the appointment and had to excuse myself to finish via phone. I was sick the rest of the weekend. Thoughts of anything brought back that smell. This apparently kicked off my first trimester without me knowing. No wonder I never shook the sickness.

I kept feeling a slight stomach bug I thought. It would come and go. I took a few pregnancy tests. Okay, let's say 6, and they all said negative. Well, they were just geometrically confusing. No + ever showed up, just a line that went a different direction. The lines were so faint. My sister finally instructed me to get digital. Sometimes you just need a voice of reason.

Now here's a language I understand.

I can't tell you much about the weeks after that because of morning sickness. Can you guess one of the first foods I could keep down? Yep, pho!

Finally after weeks, I decided I couldn't be a martyr and hang on to my full-time job seeing clients so I got on Zofran. Immediately, I could hold down food and eat although I still had clear preferences, turn-offs, and cravings.

Cravings, you ask?

All of the cheeseburgers and root beer!!

Here are a few thoughts on the first trimester:

• what A@@hole coined the phrase "morning sickness?" It's not "morning," it can be all day and all night. I skipped eating for days. I tried all the over-the-counter tricks. I would find one tolerable food, overdose on it and then gag after I saw it. I survived on cold grapes and ice cold water or Mango-a-go-go at Jamba Juice.

• someone should warn you about your nipples. They need their own zip codes and security detail. Who knew a slight swipe of them by a shirt or an arm (or a nail) could send you spinning? Now THIS would be a great pregnancy bra!

Photo: google images

• pregnancy brain is for real. At work, I carry a post it note to remind me of why I have gone somewhere. This is after so many trips to the front office spent wondering what I needed to come up there for. I can't even get vitamins right.

• exhaustion starts early. Why did I think it was because you are big and cumbersome toward the end? I'm useless after work and then asleep. That simple.
• you'll go to the bathroom all the time yet you will never go to the bathroom again. You'll suddenly stand in solidarity with those red-butt baboons. Use google images if you must. 

It is really cool to have modern apps and technology. It's so fun to find out weekly what has developed thus far. The science behind and development of the baby and change of my body is mind-blowing. We love to read what has developed each week. Each Thursday, we see our update on the size (aka fruit or vegetable) and what has developed that week. However, it doesn't make me want to eat my veggies.

We had some fun being able to share the news with my niece and nephews. We had these cookies baked for the announcement:

Then, we gave them these fun eggs when we knew the sex.

That about wraps up Trimester 1. Now we are floating along in Trimester 2, and there was only one way to go from the first one!

Until next time,
Danielle

What happened to 2016?

Hello and goodbye 2016! It feels like everything in between January and December was a blur. What a year it has been! A recap is below with links included to find out more or see pictures of where we have been!




We kicked off the year in Winter, and I hated 99% of it. That 1% was the initial novelty of snow fall. I love watching it fall but it just isn't worth it for me - the sliding around the road, the cold, the need for all those extra clothes...you get the point. I'm satisfied in just browsing pictures of the snowy landscape. Right now, I'm clutching my pearls with the thought of snow being around the corner. I can't even look at those places on the news that have so much snow. Nope.

Luckily, I married this guy.

We had a remarkable Spring! We returned to South Africa, and that was the highlight of the year. It was the first time I've been since 2012 for me and the first Luba has gone home since he came in late 2013. We went for the full two weeks and wish we could have stayed longer. All of me needed it! It filled a hole I've had since moving to St. Louis- a sense of familiarity. You can find out more on previous blog posts below:

Greetings from South Africa

Updates from Paarl, South Africa

7th trip in the books!

We explored more of areas around Missouri including Jefferson City, Hannibal, and Kansas City.




I visited friends in LA and Orange County on the weekend of my birthday in June, and I went to my annual women's conference. Like South Africa, it was balm to a very dry soul. In addition to spending time (too little) with friends, I was able to squeeze in some of my favorite foods - In-n-out and Shik do Rak Korean BBQ as well as have some Hawaiian food!

In July we celebrated birthdays (mine & Luba's) in Chicago over the 4th of July weekend. My friend Jody met us there, and we had a blast. I'm still salivating over the food we had. It was really fun and I can't wait to go back again (after Winter).

We did make it home for October for my niece's wedding, which I was able to be part of as Matron of Honor. I had been worried about the trip but thanks to Zofran, we all survived!




Work has been busy. I moved up to a management position in my department and it has been a brain bust when I'm running on "pregnancy brain," which is a real phenomenon. Luba is still enjoying his work at the International Institute. He's also squeezing in some extra hours after work with another agency because well, see below.




I'll be posting another post on this but we found out that we are pregnant in August so travels and a lot of things halted due to morning sickness. I'm now feeling better but then the holidays somehow had managed to sneak in so we've continued to be homebodies. Being pregnant really makes the "homesickness" for my California friends move to the forefront. How I miss my people.




Here's a sneak pic of our person we've made thus far. I think she looks like Luba.

I hope you've had a wonderful 2016 and Cheers to 2017!




Happiest of holidays to you & yours!




Love,


Danielle