Surviving the Wilderness

Last time I posted, I indicated I’m on my medical journey which is really bringing my “theme of the year” to its fullest potential (freedom, through vulnerability).

It feels like every time I turn a corner, I’m slapped in the face by some disappointment or dead end. But also, every time this happens, I feel caught by a soft net intricately woven with prayers, tears, hope, grace, and the Holy Spirit. There’s some word of encouragement, email, gift....something to remind me that I’m not in this alone.

I got denied my requested 2^nd opinion at UCI this week, which was my biggest prayer request “of the moment.” There was not any reason for it, other than cost I’m sure. I was devastated (still am). I frantically called my insurance group and the parent company. After 2 hours on the phone, I just didn’t have anything left in me. I came home and ate (thank God for Luba and his willingness to cook) and then opened up my Beth Moore study’s workbook. The first thing I laid my eyes on was one of my favorite verses that had been buried in the back of my mind somewhere:

The sigh of relief came. A simple reminder. I could rest my spirit.

This week was full of surprises from Luba’s sweet gifts and generosity to a very sweet card with a favorite lotion attached at work from an anonymous person (who are you?). 

Luckily, each day I have had just enough “fight” in me to press on with what I need to do. I was reminded of this in last week’s study (Beth Moore) in regard to the Israelites in the wilderness. They were given manna when wandering through the wilderness but it was given according to need. None could be “stored up” or saved for another day. They gathered what they needed day by day. God’s grace is given according to need. It’s been a lesson for me to focus on “daily” and not work ahead.  I've panicked many times but now realize that I have "just enough" every single day, even when the night before I'm at a loss and thoroughly exhausted and bone-dry. I’m realizing how little control I have in life although I’ve been deceived for a while in believing I’d been successful in this. 

This is what the Lord has commanded: ‘Gather of it, each one of you, as much as he can eat. You shall each take an omer, according to the number of the persons that each of you has in his tent.’” ¹⁷ And the people of Israel did so. They gathered, some more, some less. ¹⁸ But when they measured it with an omer, whoever gathered much had nothing left over, and whoever gathered little had no lack. Each of them gathered as much as he could eat. 
Exodus 16: 16-19

While “waiting” through the insurance and journey to health, I’ve been able to have some fun with concentrating primarily on wedding planning!

Today, I was fitted for my dress. Luckily, it still fits after hanging in the closet for almost a year!

Luba & I have also gotten out to enjoy the beach. The vastness and freshness of the ocean is truly one of the best medicines.

Please keep me in your prayers. Feel free to email me for specifics. I’m so thankful for you and your support. You keep me a-float!

Love

Danielle

Freedom!

As some of you do annually, I have begun picking a word for the New Year. Frequently, the “word” or idea comes to me around November-ish before the New Year begins and I jot it down. So far, they have been profound and I’ve been amazed looking back in December at the end of each year at how that theme was divinely interwoven and consistently present throughout my experiences. To take a look back, here were the last few:

2012: REDEMPTION

2013: STORYTELLING

I had many beautiful stories to tell that birthed in 2013. I found myself sharing my story as well as Luba’s & my story time and time again. I connected with so many people of all ages and backgrounds through stories, both mine and theirs. You can read about both of those HERE. 

This year, FREEDOM came to me. I liked that. It sounded good. I quickly jotted that one down and claimed that baby. Then, as I pondered on it more and prayed through it, I realized it had a secondary part, VULNERABILITY. Oh no! Ouch! I think it’ll be a good year taking steps to more “Freedom” by being vulnerable, by taking the lid off many of those areas of my life that are snug, nestled way down deep inside. Being married this year will bring a lot of things into the light (well if I want to start off on a healthy start that is, and I do).

The learning process has begun and is in full swing!

I’m a do-er. I love to take care of others. I am there when someone needs something. I love to help. What I don’t like is to be taken care of. I don’t like to need someone to do something for me. I appreciate being independent and able. When my angiogram was scheduled, I was grateful that Luba is now here and would be there for the day with me. It’s expected in our relationship and I’m learning to lean into that more. Then, I was told that I could not drive home after the procedure. GULP. Luba is not yet driving, for technical reasons with insurance and such. I had to figure out a ride home so I scheduled that with a close friend. I hated asking but we’ve been friends for a long time and I know we would help each other out whenever possible. Everything was all set. Then, another friend was over for dinner and asked who was dropping me off at the hospital. Panic started to rise. I had to be there for check-in at 7am and I had not even thought of the obvious….if I drive there and get a ride home, my car has to get home somehow. She immediately offered to pick us up. Now, she is the most fabulous person ever. She’s just plain good people. BUT, to me, she’s a “newer” friend. The history is not yet there as it is with my other friend. It’s so easy but I was at a loss, frozen, as the offer of assistance was floating in the air. Everything ran through my mind “She works later which means she’s getting up and to work hours earlier than normal, AND on a Monday for Heaven’s sake,” “She’s got a baby and husband, this is inconvenient,” etc. “Freedom” and “vulnerability” flashed in my mind, and I said “yes!” This was a very hard yes for me. My mind immediately then ran through “payback” acts of service for her kindness. I felt a voice just say “Stop” and “receive.”

Why is it so hard for me/us to accept kindness? I am one who would drive someone else despite work schedules. I know it’s not inconvenient. Why couldn’t I accept this? I had to fight the urge to keep to a simple “thank you” without “payback.” I’m learning to accept blessings. This is part of the year, and I can see the odds stacked up in learning’s favor already. There will be many more moments.

It’s my goal to accept that people offer what they want and what they would be happy to do for or be to us. I must let other’s bless me.

Is it hard for you? Say “yes” and “thank you” and move on. Try it.

Love,

Danielle