Thoughts on what we say, not how we speak

Warning: this post has been brewing for a while. I think I’ve calmed enough to write it, and I want to write it because I was reminded me of the need for it after a long chat with a friend just this week as I listened to her struggle through this.

To sum it up: listen to what people say, not how they say it.

If only it were that easy, right? Seems such an elementary concept.

I hear things here and there but what really “poked the bear” was a discussion I saw among speech pathologists. Now, I’m an SLP too. I went into this profession with a desire to help people communicate. To communicate to me means communicating in both obvious conventional ways and unconventional ways – whatever gets your needs and wants expressed to loved ones. A huge part of my job is to listen to HOW people talk to determine if it’s a disorder and if it is, whether or not it should be “fixed.” People in the public eye often want to sound a certain way so they may seek accent reduction. Businessmen who are immigrants from Asia may want accent reduction or articulation therapy to sound more like the standard American accent. Children may get teased for having a lisp so they have speech therapy. We look at a variety of reasons. Some of it is impacted by others’ perception and reaction.

I went through this myself. When I interviewed straight out of Mississippi in Los Angeles for a position to be a speech therapist, the interviewer said, “You sound nothing like the South. How did you lose your accent?” (Clearly: I was hired! A miracle worker! Accent tamer!) He didn’t hear the strong melodic extra-diphthong speech that preceded and followed that interview. I had turned it off. I worked so hard to turn it off because of all the ridicule and misperceptions of those that spoke with a Southern accent. You know the ones – “country” accent, hillbilly, etc. I wanted to fit in within my new city, Hollywood. I soon realized that I was in the melting pot of accents. Everyone was so different and it opened up a whole new world for me. Since then, I’ve worked to STOP turning it off. It’s me. I’m no less intelligent. It speaks to who I am. I am not ashamed nor should I be. Sometimes, I still do code-switch meaning I change my language and pronunciation based on my environment or communication partners. When I’m at home or with parents, I will use an “aint.” You might here a “she ain’t got no business.” I excel in grammar. You won’t hear this from me at work or with people with whom I’m less comfortable. My accent helps show the world who I am and where I come from.

I listened to what some speech pathologists were saying because the first comment pertained to me. One person has stated how annoying it was because a student had been shown a “picture” and he/she pronounced it as “pitcher” as in pitcher of tea. So many had a good chuckle over this. I realized that I do this. When in my natural element and comfort zone, I have put many “pitchers” on the wall or taken “pitchers” with my camera. I had never noticed. I was sort of offended because it made me more aware of how I was saying things so much that I wanted to say less because I was self evaluating everything that came out of my mouth. Wow, the power of one little statement of ridicule. It hurts. It’s unnecessary. It’s mean. I know the difference. I can hear it. I can write it. I KNOW this. Do you REALLY care if I correctly pronounce it every single time? It’s a dialectical difference. Then I heard more comment on their irritations: “aks” for ask and so on. I couldn’t believe it. We should be the most sympathetic ear. We should be focusing on the message and teaching others to do the same. I do understand career fatigue and finding humor, but I never find it in the true intents of people. Okay, maybe giggling at a child developing sounds and saying “f” for “tr” in truck and he repeats this request over and over. I get it, we have to laugh some times. I’m talking about accents in immigrants or dialectical differences in American English, the barely verbal, the ones with physical disabilities who speech production is impacted, etc.

My friend and I were discussing this over coffee because sadly she has heard a lot of this, specifically in America. Why is this the first country in which she has experienced this?

She is of Indian descent, raised in Malaysia, lived and worked in London and well-traveled. She’s the real deal, “well bred” as people might say, diverse, sweet, intelligent, globally knowledgeable, and my "educates-me-on-race" person. Why would you get sidetracked by her accent when she’s offering you so much more?!? Yes, I noticed it when I met her and I appreciate it. That’s it. I’ve moved on to pick her brain on so much more.

Listen to what she has heard (just a few things):

• You don’t sound like other Indians I know
• You don’t sound like Apu from the Simpsons!
• You don’t sound like Raj from Big Bang Theory!
• How did you learn to speak English so well?
• I didn’t even know they spoke English over there
• How is your accent so strong?
• I didn’t know they spoke English where you come from

From Latino friends:

• Oh, I didn't know you spoke English!
• You don't sound like my gardener.

*this is all after hearing questions spoken veeeeeeery slowly with much emotion and facial expression*

From a Vietnamese friend on a domestic flight as she sat in the exit row:

• Mam, do you speak English? (said very loudly, this gal was California born and raised)

How can people ask such things?

Often when confronted about this, instead of the "asker" listening and thinking through it, one continues on:

• But, I love your accent!
• Americans love accents.
• All the doctors/engineers/etc. I work with talk like that
• You are just being self conscious
• But......
• But.....
• But....

Don’t get me wrong- true curiosity is one thing. I initially asked her where she was from because I knew she must have immigrated from somewhere else. I ask her a million questions and she has grown accustomed to my direct approach to just getting to the root of the issue and ask. I think that’s step 1 in learning, finding out about cultures, and race reconciliation.

I think that we have to just simply get back to LISTENING. Listen to the message being conveyed or spoken. We can’t get sidetracked by the delivery. So the waitress asks you if you want “flied lice?” You know she means fried rice so just let her know if you want a bowl or not. (Funny how so many say immigrants people should speak English when they come to this country….do they really mean speak English perfectly?). One of the kids at the school or other parent wants to “aks” you a question? Just say “of course” and listen to the question. Talk first without assuming the other person needs you to speak slower or more exaggeratedly. Make no assumptions and start the conversation....they will let you know if they need more assistance. Let them be the ones to ask. I loved this in South Africa when I visited, people automatically spoke to me in Afrikaans in public. I just said, "Oh I speak English" (and then my Americanness was obvious). They just proceeded in English - a simple easy exchange. 

In the off chance someone actually speaks up and lets you know that they feel hurt or offended, stop and listen first. There's no need to defend. They've probably already heard anything you would say. Think on the words. Take them in. Let yourself be offended for being reprimanded or questioned and feel that burn. Feel it? That's how they feel. Let it change you for the better and thank them for actually speaking out. That will be rare - most will keep this hurt internalized.

This isn't about "people getting too offended easily" or "them assuming I mean to be offensive/harmful in my question" or "it's all in their head." I know this because I've felt it and experienced it often as a born & bred Southern American WASP. I know friends have too. It's that assumption you see in others after you say something. I'm asking why I DO have that accent and other times when code switching why I DON'T sound like Mississippi. It always seems to be accompanied by a chuckle. 

One of my favorite TED talks is by Jamila Lysicott and titled “3 ways to speak English.” The link is here so mosey on over there and listen when you get a chance.

Communication is essential for life and happiness and learning. Let’s make sure we make we keep the conversation going and not needlessly shut it down. Focus on content and less on mechanics. For us that are speech pathologists, we do focus on the mechanics sometimes, but I know we prioritize the process and are trained to differentiate between disorders versus differences.

Love,

Danielle