Silence IS golden

Several of you have asked about my recent Silence & Solitude retreat so I thought I’d just answer here.

Last weekend (Thurs/Fri), 15 of us traveled to Valyermo to St. Andrew’s Abbey which is a Benedictine monastery. 

I know, I know. The first word that comes to your mind right after “WHY?!?!?” is “AWKWARD.”

I jumped at the idea of going on this retreat. It was a close one. There was a max of 15, and after some deliberation about the timing and use of vacation hours, I signed up as number 15! The pace at which I “do life,” along with the fact that I run on autopilot often not remembering the night before or driving to /from work, drove my desire to embark upon a forced halt in speed. I wanted to go somewhere slightly uncomfortable and less familiar so that I was dependent. I knew I had to get away from my resources so that I did not “cheat” [mind you, the phone had NO service here so cheating was taken out of the equation]. I had no idea CA even had towns like Valyermo. My soul craved what it needed: simplicity and a slow pace.

After a brief introduction by the monk who is the guest master, we bid farewell to “words” for almost 24 hours. We each had our own room and plenty of acreage to roam. The monks had services around 5 times per day, all in which we could participate if we chose. I went to the conventional mass and vespers.

The monks' day generally looks something like this:

  

6:00 a.m. VIGILS, the first communal prayer of the day 

           6:30-7:30 lectio divina

           7:30 LAUDS, (Morning Prayer) 

           8:00 Silent breakfast 

           8:30-11:30 Class and study for the formation group; assigned work for others 

           12:00 CONVENTUAL MASS 

           1:00 p.m. Lunch with the guests 

           1:30-4:00 Assigned work

           4:00-5:30 Study, rest, or exercise 

           5:30 lectio divina 

           6:00 VESPERS, (Evening Prayer)

           6:30 Dinner in silence

           8:00-8:30 Community recreation 

           8:30 COMPLINE, (Night Prayer) 

Meals were spent in silence. Literally, no one spoke to each other although we passed each other often. For me, this was not hard at all. I love spending time in my thoughts, listening to my inner voice and rhythm, but I love having others around me. I don’t believe that people should always be polluting the air with words simply because they feel awkward. I think my time of singleness has well prepared me for this. I find comfort in solitude.  The monk made a point of how we panic with silence. I see that as true. Have you noticed that people say random S#$& when there’s more than 4 seconds of silence? Things they may never normally say? People even repeat something that they have already said though they didn’t even need to say it. Silence is awkward for a lot of people.

What did I do the whole time?

After checking in to the room and putting my things away, I dove right in and went to the conventional noon mass followed by lunch. 

To be honest, priority #1 was rest. Rest is essential for good listening. After I awoke from a 2-hour drool-fest nap, I walked around and then went to the evening service and meal. I started to get really worried that I may not sleep after that coma. 

When I returned to my room after the meal, I attempted to take advantage of a “quiet time.” I retreated to my room and sat in a rocking chair (proof that God loves me, oh how I love rockers). 

Because I was at a retreat through church, I felt like I should do something “holy.” I opened my bible but found myself at a loss of where to begin. Nothing came to mind. I had no structure of anything I should be reading. Suddenly, I just felt a reminder that it is acceptable, appropriate even, to be directionless. I put aside the bible and I opened my journal to catch any thoughts and donned my iPod. One minute faded into another and soon I had watched night envelope day. I had spent 3 solid hours just rocking and listening to some of my favorite worship music.  I just felt the word “beloved” come to mind, over and over and over for hours. I was reminded that I could have been born at any time in history, but I was chosen for THIS time. As a Christian, I am reminded that I am a daughter of a King. I am chosen to take my place in a royal lineage that spans years before my birth. I am created for Kingdom work.  I was reminded of one of my favorite heroines Esther when she was appointed at such a critical time in Esther 4:14, “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” My place and my importance was palpable. 

After night fell, I opted to go to a quick service by one of our pastors at 9:15. Others had opted to go to the night service. I fell asleep AGAIN on the couch sitting straight up while waiting in the dark room for the message to begin. What?!?! Maybe I wouldn’t have trouble sleeping after all that night…Exactly, I returned to my room and immediately slept. All night. Longer than usual. Longer than my ridiculous body clock typically allows.

I went to breakfast and then what? Went back to my room for ANOTHER nap before check out! [By the way, the first thing I did when I got home about 2PM, was NAP!]

Thoughts that emerged from the silence? Here are a few things that had come to my mind by the conclusion of the 24-ish hours:

It’s amazing how your other senses fill in the gap when you are silent. I heard so many sounds and so many “quiet” unnoticed sounds seemed loud such as the wind rustling through the trees, the sound of dried leaves scraping past on the ground, ripples of water moving as the ducks paddle by, footsteps, and bird chirps and caws. 

I also noticed the sound of my own hunger as my stomach began to growl. I allowed it to go on for a short while before getting a snack. I was thankful that this is a feeling I do not have often. It’s a reminder of dependence and gratitude. It’s a reminder for my brothers and sisters out there (including in this country) who feel this daily, sometimes most of the day, with no certainty of an upcoming meal or snack.

The food at meal time was some of the best food we have eaten. When you are not talking, you really do taste each bite. We all chewed more slowly. With each bite, we tasted our food. We were thankful for each bite. We were present for the process.

There was a kindness and understanding that felt tangible as we shared a meal. We didn’t speak, ever, but we made more eye contact. There was an unexplainable connectedness, which is something that most people mentioned during a “debrief.” I noticed more about each person, and I was thankful for each one. We communicated so much nonverbally. I felt smiles and expressions of understanding and encouragement. 

When we so break silence if and when we are silent, there is a deeper respect for “words” and we tend to make better choices regarding how to best use them.

I would highly recommend going to a monastery for a retreat such as this one or even leaving all technology behind and checking in to a hotel by the beach or in the mountains for 24 hours [but no cheating!]. I know it sounds weird to some people, but we should invest in ourselves more. Many on this trip stated that they wished it had been longer. For married women and mothers, I think you need this to invest in yourselves and your families. It’ll also give you time to feed your soul and to both reclaim and celebrate your identity as touched upon here in my last post. 

Be Silent. Enjoy. You won't regret it. [No, you won't giggle either] 

Ssssssh!
Danielle

 The rooms had twin beds for sharing but each of us stayed one per room to maximize the opportunity.

 simple

On Doing "Woman" Better: Part 2

Thank you to all who read my last post, “On Doing 'Woman' Better.” It’s something I feel so strongly about and know we can accomplish collectively. It seems like it was something that hit home for you as well. However, there is another dimension that we must must must do better, and that is ourselves/YOU.

I’ve been jotting down notes and journaling on this for a while and then I saw a video that has gone viral in the last week that beautifully sums it up. Please watch here…it is worth it. [Of course there are critiques published regarding this video and people are already “poo poo-ing it” but I believe in the point that it makes]

While we have to do better with our interactions with other women and be as edifying as possible, we have to show ourselves the same courtesy, acknowledgment, and grace. It’s so much easier to pick out the good qualities in someone else, right? Eeeeeeeven those we don't even like or identify with as much as others?! Just not ourselves! We just are simply not as good at this as men. As women we are quick to explain other factors that helped us get that promotion. It was "good luck or fortune" that caused our cake or baking endeavor to turn out beautifully. We blush when someone compliments our somewhat successful hair-do we found on Pinterest. We are often uncomfortable accepting positive feedback. We are quick to offer an explanation. We are quick to look away or change the subject when the spotlight is on us.

We often look for our significance or identity in our roles. Look at how we introduce ourselves. How much at a loss of words are we when we hear "tell me about yourself?!" I'm “such and such's” mom. I'm a speech pathologist. I’m a student. I'm Dick’s wife [sorry, this made me giggle so I refuse to change the name]. 

Be YOU.

Luckily I've had a loooooooooooong season of singleness where I fortunately (for the love of hindsight) have not had the privilege of attaching a "label" to myself. I'm happy that the season has brought me identity. The future will add new layers or “ornaments,” new adornments of responsibility. First and foremost, I am Danielle. Hats I wear include friend, daughter, Speech Pathologist, etc. They do not define me. Who I am pours over into those roles. I am not me because of them.

The real change began for me came when I read a book called the Search for Significance by Robert McGee with a small group YEARS ago. I don't even think I finished the book, but the point of it stuck with me, and the point is basically to find your worth in Christ and enjoy freedom and not to search for self worth in your accomplishments and the opinions of others. It is so simple yet we complicate it so much. We struggle with this too often; for many, it is a daily struggle and entrapment. Society complicates it for us. Media distorts it for us. We are overwhelmed and buried with false information.

So take those few minutes that you saved to write a note for that lovely friend of yours and write it to your best friend, yourself. Make a list of all of your strengths, qualities, etc. Put it somewhere where you’ll find it later or mail it to yourself. Save notes, emails, comments jotted down from others to remind yourself daily. Make a “you” journal to house all of this goodness and take it out when you need a reminder. When you see your worth, so will everyone else. Smile a naughty grin and giggle over this knowledge as you walk into that room full of people. Hold your head up high and know you are a force in the universe.

If you have children, start now helping her to see herself as she should. We are what we believe. We become who we are told we are. What voice will she listen to?

Take heart, sister, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are exactly as you should be, beloved. You are the right size, the right height. Know it. Believe it.

For her worth is far above rubies. -Proverbs 31:10

For MY worth is far above rubies. 

For YOUR worth is far above rubies.

 

XOXO,

Danielle