thoughts on community - what YOU can do today!

I’m sitting here with statements made by people running through my mind like the credits at the end of a movie– all of them relate to community and the desire for it, the (urgent) need for it. It’s something I think often because it’s an area close to my heart – building community and helping others build it.

I was reminded of it a few weekends ago when Luba and I went to a braai (South African BBQ). There is a group of South Africans living locally, and we’ve been lucky enough to meet up with them a few times already. As I was talking with many of them, conversation yielded a common thread- they missed community, it’s the one thing missing here. It’s not strictly a South African thing so hold off on your “Well, America is different” thought. It’s what I remember as a child too. Remember when you could just show up at someone’s house? If it was dinner time, they would pull up a chair at the table? You could show up unannounced at the back door? Plans were made spontaneously – “What are you doing? Oh nothing? Then let’s…….” and then it happened. You could immediately whip up a soup or casserole for someone sick or who had a death or tragedy in the family – “I’ll be right over. Give me a few minutes to bake this casserole” or “I’m stopping by KFC and bringing over a family meal!”

Yes, times have changed and things have gotten busier. But how different are things really? What’s holding us back from having an open door policy to those we love? A year goes by and we see someone that we love once!

If you want to go the Christian route, I’d love to. We are called to open our doors. We are called to take others in. I’ve blogged so much on this before when I planned for my Bread and Wine group but serving food and eating together is biblical. So much in the bible occurred over food and fellowship. That can’t be an ancient ritual.

You want to get plugged in to community and connect but don’t know anyone? You can’t sit back and think: I don’t know anyone, Noone has invited me over or asked me to join their group. Stop twiddling your thumbs and get out there! My motto has been: COMMUNITY IS WHERE YOU CREATE IT. Find a common denominator if it makes it easier. Start with a few people. Find a church group. Go to meetup.com. I’m a die hard introvert. I know that shocks some because I love groups and being out. However, I fuel up and debrief at home, alone. I’m good for a while and then I’m ready to get home and charge up solo. Introverts can do this! No one is asking you to be “on” 24/7.

I started a book club on meetup in June. I love it. I’ve met the most interesting and fun women in St. Louis. I love reading so being around other women who are willing to read and listen to other perspectives energizes me. But, this is not the only reason I started it. I wanted community and I wanted others to have (and learn) community. Find it, model it, and launch others to create it.

I recently had a slump after some bad news. My immediate thought was “if I were still in California, I would have all my friends with whom I’m comfortable.” I don’t have them though, physically. I could call them, email, text and they would be there. I chose to live here, however. I had a choice to make. Would I keep this to myself and maintain a barrier? Could I be transparent and open up to my budding friendships and let them in? I went there with one friend. I just dropped it on her, and she was amazing (as I knew she would be). We have to choose to “go there” with our friends and break the superficial layers. We are so unhappy without intimate friendships but we are often the barrier. They can’t read our minds, we have to say what we feel or need.

With community comes a responsibility with our words as well. I remember when teams visited South Africa, I would hear people say well-meaning things to the South Africans: “I’ll totally hook you up when you come to America,” “you should visit America – I’ll show you around and take a day off work,” “I’ll hang out when you come to America,” “there’s a cool restaurant I want to take you to!” When Luba came, I knew his transition would be easier because he knew so many people in California already, especially in Orange County (way more than when I moved there). When he came, it was hard. We met up with some, but it was only a fraction of those who were most zealous about his moving or just visiting. I’m not blaming anyone but I do want to make the point clear that we have to be responsible with our words and promises and it’s something that just isn’t in my being to do without follow-through. If someone visited from another country (or state), I would do everything possible to visit at least once. I’m appreciative of all those who made the trip to hang out, went to dinner with us, or took him out for a bit. People from smaller communities in the US and immigrants are maybe more used to community because of regional dynamics so let’s welcome them into our bigger cities. We can make it much smaller by starting with inviting them into our homes, our mini comfort zones.

Ready to get started?

Who can you invite to dinner? Here’s just a few to get you started!

• Consider the older generation who may not have grandchildren. What a great relationship you can have with “foster grandparents.”
• Find out from your local university if there are international college students here with no family.
• Know a family with children with special needs? Make a simple recipe or get take-out and go to their house! Deliver and eat together.
• Invite over a tired single mom (or dad) – he/she would appreciate grownup talk and a meal that she/he didn’t cook.
• Is someone homebound? Go THERE and bring food (and maybe some flowers to brighten up the environment). 

Yes, this can be easy on you! Have a Friday night open door policy and have easy meals ready- taco bar, homemade pizza bar, spaghetti. What you make WON’T MATTER.

It’s okay if your kids are running around – intergenerational community is so important.

Get your kids involved so they can learn hospitality and community – let them make invitations or help set the table. Then they won't have to "learn" this as an adult. Allow them to come up with an idea of who to invite. Children can be amazing people-readers – follow their lead. 

Recap:

• Community is a choice.
• Community is where you create it.
• Be responsible with and accountable for your words and promises.
• It’s biblical – do it.
• People over logistics- your house is clean enough. Your kid are good. You cook or order takeout like a boss. No one will look around and judge when they are engaged at the table. Trust me.
• Model it and launch others to do the same. When we model our imperfection but willingness to love, we give others permission to do the same.

Love,

Danielle

For other thoughts on community, you can click HERE and HERE!

cooking together!

celebrate mini accomplishments or good news!

Rethinking "pastor"

Luba and I have been church hunting here in St. Louis. One aspect of the church is a healthy pastor relationship with his congregation. It’s led me to really think of what I appreciate in a pastor. I no longer need a groundbreaking Sunday sermon. I used to, but I realized I went in to Sunday with the wrong expectations.

I’ve thought about how my perspective of pastors or preachers have changed over the years as I have grown in my faith and that perspective also changed as I got out during the week and USED that Sunday message. In those experiences, the message solidified and were personalized.

I grew up in the Southern Baptist Church. Jesus, to me, was "White" with long silky brown hair. He was so fair and soft-skinned. He probably didn’t even need lotion. Pastors were men (35+ which was old at the time, right?) and Caucasian. They wore suits. They never drank or seemed to have or be a lot of fun. They couldn’t make jokes lest they be offensive or misconstrued. They were addressed as “Brother so-and-so.” They were married to a lovely woman who kept the house, tended the kids and served tirelessly at church. She could also make a mean casserole. No one taught me this and this certainly wasn't the way it was behind closed doors, but this is what I saw so it was what I knew to be true. I knew there were Black pastors but I had never been to a Black church so it didn’t really impact my perspective.

This was my perspective for the duration of my childhood and early adulthood.

I then started at NewSong Church in Irvine, which was predominantly Asian. I met the lead pastor, Dave Gibbons. He was half Korean (I initially questioned the “half” part). Everyone called him Dave. I mean, to his face! Noone had warned him that he needed his Sunday suit. When I met him, he introduced himself as “Dave.” Over the course of the years, I became comfortable with saying “Hi Dave” to which he would respond “Hi Danielle.” He wore jeans. He was hip. He was like a normal person standing on stage. My brain that was filled with expectations and perspectives and experiences melted. He admitted mistakes and fault. He looked at his job as a shepherd, a coach. He challenged the church to even rid themselves of “Sunday” and have church any time outside our building. He cried on stage. I was not used to men showing emotions, much less the “pastor.” I gasped to myself as I began to rebuild my thoughts on “pastor” from the shattered pieces. Which ones fit? Which ones were to be thrown away?

I became close with other pastors on the NewSong team. I had a glass of wine with one and a beer with another. They joked. They laughed. They argued politely. For the first time, a pastor talked with me, not at me. For the first time, pastors encouraged me to ask the hard questions and for the first time, I heard pastors answer with “I don’t know either.” I took off the armor of behaviors and expectations that I wore at church and relaxed. I watched them lead by encouraging and not doing the actual work. They left me room to explore my own gifts, and they appreciated them.

I mean, look at this precious pastor who performed my wedding ceremony:

How much cooler can a “pastor” get? I’ve learned so much through her and much of it has been when she didn’t know anyone was looking. She has phenomenal messages on stage but she also speaks volumes in her actions.

I went to South Africa and visited churches representing different cultures there. I served in multiple ministries and watched young teens provide messages of hope to men and women several years or decades their senior. “Pastor” fit them too. Look at this dear couple -I'm biased because it's my parents-in-law. They pastor a church in Mbekweni, the church I attend when I'm in South Africa. 

Through these interactions with various pastors on staff at my church and in South Africa– both men and women, my image in my mind completely dissolved and did not develop into anything else. The perspective shift in pastors gave me a perspective shift on who God was. I had limited his vastness, his wholeness. God had so many layers and parts to him that I couldn’t even picture it anymore. He was white. He was Korean (I mean, he created that heavenly gift of Korean BBQ and bi bim bap). He was Black. He was SHE. He was feminine. He was fierce. He was kind. He was strong. He was old and he was young. He made jokes and he laughed with delight. He was a kaleidoscope of cultures and faces.

God got bigger and bigger and better and better! How had I missed all this? No one had intentionally set out to limit my perspective. It was just the single story that I knew. He was the character that I knew, and my cast of characters was limited.

During my years at NewSong, I feel like the life I had been leading as a follower was flipped. It was a rebirth. Sometimes the leader is the last line. Sometimes you speak the loudest when you are quiet or say nothing at all. When you find yourself last in line for the wrong reasons, sometimes you just turn around and become the leader.

It was through all of these experiences that I discovered this other precious member of the priesthood:

ME!

The priesthood that dwells in me had been awakened. I could also shepherd. I could lead. I could be the one that makes the difference in one’s life – I didn’t have to bring someone to church, I was the church. I play a crucial role in the Kingdom. I began to see church as my filling place and the work was done outside of the Sunday service. Oh and Sunday service? It is not an absolute. Maybe one gains a better closeness in nature sometimes. What works for one may not work for another – what is important is the relationship and what yield closeness and spiritual growth.

Now as I search for a pastor, I look for an encourager, a coach. I appreciate a good lesson on Sunday but I know the rest of the message comes when I activate it. The pastor is not there to carry my weight, tell me everything to do (the Bible already tells me), pray for every single problem that I have of which I’m not doing anything about, or conform to my perspective of scripture. He is support staff. He is a catalyst to set off a reaction that WE carry out. Sunday is our time to fuel up before our missions throughout the week.

I hope as I grow a family, my children have multiple images and experiences of who God is. It is up to me to provide multiple experiences, a diverse cast of characters, and an acceptance of a unique experience.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9

Why don’t you thank your pastor today? What can YOU do for him? Here are a few ideas:

• Cook a meal for his family and DROP IT OFF – don’t stay and ruin the peace
• Send a card telling them what they mean to you - one to EACH if for the couple
• Babysit their kids so they can go out alone to a non-church function
• Give a gift certificate to a restaurant or something fun
• Give the wife or (woman) pastor a candle, bracelet or something she can enjoy that doesn’t have bible verses. It’s like being a educator….we like things without apples or children sometimes 
• Tithe- if you don't, you are taking from the church. We leave filled every Sunday. We appreciate the pastor and other support staff that cares for our children. we'll pay the daycare providers during the week, why not Sundays? We often go to counseling or other support groups but we don't think about the fact that we are abusing a system. If you benefit, give back. If you don't benefit, still give so others who don't have financial resources can receive. Tithing pays salaries. For some churches, funding from resources are coming out of the pastor's empty pockets. 
• Change your perspective and expectations.
• Pray for THEM - they have the same struggles, hopes, temptations, worries as all of us

 Also, please don’t forget the wife (or husband). SHE may not have signed up for this job initially and she should not have to live in a glass house. I think women especially have a difficult time due to gender (and other) expectations that WE place. She carries the weight with and of her husband (or HE carries the weight of his pastor WIFE).

Go love your pastor,

Danielle

PS:

This lovely pastor April wrote a book about working with youth. Maybe gift that to your local youth pastor or read it if you work with youth. Click here for her website.

Dave has a few books out. The Monkey and the Fish really changed my outlook on the Church and he has now released his latest book. Find out more by clicking here.

Hello Louisville!

I had an urge - I needed to get out of town but we didn't really have the time and money to commit to a long road trip. I thought of Louisville- it's close, about 4 hours away, so 1 night would not be a bust.

I booked a ticket and started browsing through things to do and places to eat.

We left early Saturday morning and headed out to Louisville. The sun was a huge red ball, and this picture doesn't quite capture it. 

 I had my fave app, Roadside America, on at the same time so we could pull over at interesting stops that weren't far off the interstate. Unfortunately, Roadside America had some things for Indiana and Illinois but NOTHING for Kentucky. What!? 

I didn't realize that we would pass through Indiana but that's where our pit stops wound up being. 

First we stopped off at Lincoln Boyhood National Memorial. It was a great place to stop and stretch our legs because we could spend some time inside the museum and then walk around and look at his mother's grave, the foundation of his log cabin, and see the farm (reenactment of life in that time). Supposedly, you would see people working the farm - feeding chickens, gardening, etc. We saw a trio chatting inside the cabin. I guess everyone needs a break right? It was hot out.

We then drove on and miles down the road, I started noticing winery signs. It was due time for another stretch and bathroom break so we stopped at Winzerwald Winery, a German wine tasting room. It was a lovely stop with complimentary wine tasting (and some with cheese pairing), friendly staff, and an outdoor patio for sitting and sipping. A bonus? Photo opp!

Hello Kentucky!!

We made it into Louisville around 2 and went straight to Evan Williams. We had the urban distillery experience. We toured the distillery and learned how bourbon was made. At the end, we had a tasting of 3 bourbons. I long to be someone you'd describe as a "whiskey drinker" but I'm still not converted. The tour guide asked us to smell it (insert gag reflex) and tell what you smell. HOW did people come up with vanilla, oak, or caramel when I smelled horses*#t? Then, I felt like we were on an episode of "What would you do?" because Luba saw a GROWN man (40ish) steal 2 bottles of bourbon by putting them in the wife's purse. Seriously? I didn't see it happen. The bottles retail at $35 or less...really 40-something-year-old?

We wanted to hit the Louisville Slugger Museum just a bit down the street but we were already out of time. How did that happen?

We walked out and Luba thought his new birthday watch was already out of battery. It was an hour off. Then, I noticed when we got in the car, my phone was different than the car clock. OOOOOOOOOOH!!! Another thing I didn't expect? Time zone change. Oops.

We walked around to check out what the commotion was on the pier nearby - a World Festival! There were so many booths, entertainment and food tents representing tons of countries!

I also noticed that all through town there were painted horses - Gallopalooza. I'm not sure what the background is but the horses were amazing. The brown one is my favorite because of the detail that you may not notice just breezing by. 

We went and checked into the hotel and relaxed and browsed restaurants for dinner. We opted for Harvest in the NuLu district. It is a farm-to-table restaurant. It was great. The ambiance was farmhouse style. There was a corkboard on the wall that showed the map of farms they support and bios of the farmers they use. All around the restaurant, there were large portraits of the farmers as decor. One of the owners made his rounds to each table and chatted with all guests for the night. He did not miss one table. The food was delicious.

 I LOVED this doorway at this quaint house close to Harvest. Isn't it adorable?

The next morning, we got up and headed to the Cave Hill Cemetery. No, the cemetery wasn't morbid. We had heard how beautiful it was so we drove in to one of the most beautiful and serene places I've been. It was gorgeous. We saw Colonel Sanders' (KFC) grave site as well as one a few sites down that belonged to Harry Leon Collins, a magician from Louisville. That was a bit creepy because it was a life size statue. There were several mausoleums as well.

On the way out, we stopped by a wall that we had passed. It stood out because it had spaces for the public to complete to answer "Before I die, I want to...."

We then went to the Louisville Slugger Museum. If you are a baseball fan, you must go here! I am not the biggest baseball fan, but it was so interesting to see how the sluggers are made. That day, they were making bats for Cincinnati Reds player, Brandon Phillips. We watched them in production. 

We were blowing through some sites! Time for one more!

We ended the day at the Kentucky Derby Museum at Churchill Downs. These are separate entities although they are side by side here. We went through the museum and toured Churchill Downs. It was SO hot outside -I mean, HOT HOT. The tour was about 40 minutes and we walked around to see the stables, the names of the winners, wagering windows and seats along the track. Tidbits? Only 3 year old horses are in the derby so each horse competes once. There's a statue that changes each year and is the color of the jockey's shirt of the winning horse.

We headed home after this since we had exhausted all the major sites!

What a great weekend. I love that St. Louis is driving distance to so many cities. You can get to dozens of places in 6-8 hours or less. That's one of the best things about living here. Next cities on the list to visit are Cincinnati, Chicago, Memphis, Nashville and Indianapolis.