Following

Sitting back basking in the chaos that has ensued since making the decision to lay the foundation for an adoption, I realize I’m actively pursuing another one of my infamous “I nevers.”

I’ll never be a single mom (by choice).

This realization made me think back on all of my other “I nevers” that have brought me to this point in my journey. Even though I grew up in church, it made me realize that I’ve found my own faith and have rediscovered Jesus among those “nevers.” I grew up in church as a child attending every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night. I am very thankful that my mother took me although I moaned and groaned most of the time. This foundation has been invaluable in molding me and preparing me for later in life. 

One song that always takes me back to my childhood in church is “I Have Decided (to follow Jesus).” It was always sung during the invitation (for the non-church-goers, this is the time at the end of the sermon that you can go forward to “accept Jesus” or “be saved”). For me, I was always bored with the staunch performance and my stomach would inevitably begin to wail in anticipation for the roast I knew would be near-perfect in the oven at home. Many Southerners have roast as a Sunday lunch (“dinner” as we call it because “supper” is at night). This song indicated the near conclusion of Sunday services and the transition to the rest of my day. It really meant nothing to me other than being a temporal marker. 

As I’ve indicated in previous posts, church became too "boring" and I began to think too differently so I gave it up the first chance I got. Immediately my mind was set. Who needs it? I, in my heart, knew what I wanted my “religion” to look like and had my ideas of who God is but unfortunately it didn’t align with any churches I'd attended at that time. In my occasional frequent opinionated way, I designed my life in accordance with what I planned to do and my list of “I nevers.” Off I went.....

Insert the sound of a car braking or the record player scratching. Note to self: Watch what you say.

Unbeknownst to me, my life would soon take a different course.

All of the following “I nevers” were intricately worked into my timeline:

· I’ll never move to California

· I’ll never support illegal immigrants

· I’ll never work with children with Autism

· I’ll never date outside my race

· I’ll never go to Africa

·  
I’ll never be a single mom (unless of course I leave my husband because he cheats and I’ll take all the money with me)

Here's how it all went down:

I moved to California—Hollywood to be exact. I loved it. I was enamored by the melting pot. I loved (and still do) the city itself.

I got a job in Pasadena with the most impoverished children from immigrant families. I fell in love with them. I was humbled. I spent hours listening to their stories. 

I work in Autism and love it. It’s my niche. I love that every child is different. I love being challenged to find the way “in.”

I learned about my own “stuff” as I dated other cultures.

I’m absolutely head-over-heels in love with Africa and would go as often as I could every year—boss-willing and if I had the cash. I’ve only had a taste (South Africa x 5) but cannot wait to discover more. It’s a magical place. 

With each journey, God/Jesus revealed more and more about himself and exposed more and more about myself. The God I met was the one I imagined him to be. No longer did I envision a judgmental being of whom I should fear. I saw many aspects of his personality including love, patience, joy, pride, jealousy, sadness, and humor (he must’ve laughed each time he took note of my passionately saying “I never”). I decided at that time that I was for sure “won over.” I would follow because His plan had been so much better than mine. What an adventure and there’s so much more! It also means following His plan for me although it may not be the most popular, even among Christians, which brings me to another one of my “nevers” being confronted.

I will pursue adoption – even if it means being a single mom by choice.

My first country of choice for international adoption? Africa.

Through this current journey, God has added new vocabulary words that I never knew I'd know such as:

• Hague
• home study
• PAP (no, not as in a smear)
• transracial
• dossier
• pro per (propria persona)
• moratorium

Just thinking through all those “I nevers” that God turned in to “I have” or “I will” makes my heart flutter. I no longer even say “I never” – well, other than “I’ll never win the mega million lotto” but so far that strategy hasn’t worked. 

Want to know what song now grips my heart and reminds me of the path I’ve charted even though others may not "go with me" or agree? Yep, you got it. That boring old hymn we sang when I was young—“I Have Decided.” However, Selah has a version that fits perfectly. Listen to it here. I think you’ll be able to figure out how like me, it has been revamped and just right for my journey.

I just read "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" for the first time. We used to watch the movie in the library on rainy days in elementary school, but the message never came as clearly as this time when I read it. It reminded me of my perspective of the God I've discovered in the "nevers" and the one who has taken me on an adventure (though not always easy or fun). One of my (many) favorite parts is when Lucy asks Mrs. Beaver about Aslan. Mrs. Beaver says that "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly." Lucy asks, "Then he isn't safe?" to which Mr. Beaver replies, "Safe? Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Cause he isn't safe. But he's good."

Love,

Danielle