Project: Redemption

I sit here on Easter, my favorite holiday, in awe of the people that have built a community around me on the pre-adoption journey. I posted a few blogs ago about my village that is living intentionally with me. It continues to grow. I continue to be blessed. People continue to use their gifts to contribute in a variety of ways. God continues to whisper messages of encouragement and has become my biggest cheerleader [with my mother being 2nd].

I'm more humbled because I realize: this is just the beginning.

As I've mentioned before, my first priority is to kick my debt's ass this year. I'm focused. My job is to put every penny I can into that direction. In the meantime, God fills my adoption fund little by little. We're double teaming--as long as I do mine, He does His.

I'm a paycheck to paycheck person sticking everything left over toward debt repayment, most of which is from graduate school. Who knew it'd cost so much to be this smart?!?! I am enrolled in the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University and have been working on a budget, etc. as part of the class. I noticed that last month, I somehow, paid an extra $800 toward my debt in addition to my usual $1200 payment. How'd that happen?!?! I do remember saying a VERY lengthy prayer begging that my money be stretched in a way that is unfathomable to me. Maybe God answered that one before the short one begging to win the lottery. Everything seemed to be going along in line with my financial "norm." Anyway, noticing that error felt good ,and I was accidentally one step closer.

How is recycling going, you ask? So far, it has added $166.99 to the fund since the end of January. Along with gifts and my own monthly contribution, the "Get Shorty" fund has $704.49 in it. All the while, I've been blessed and confirmed in random ways.

One incident (that I know isn't merely coincidence) that stuck out was a friend's contribution of two LARGE bags of plastic bottles and aluminum cans. One was so big that it wouldn't even fit in the trunk. After I left recycling and went to brunch on Friday, I saw and thanked this friend again for the two bags. She said that her husband brought one of the bags home. At work, someone was loading his truck and could not fit everything in and asked her husband if he could leave the bag of recycling there for him to deal with. That bag, along with another bag she brought, were the two that put me over the edge for money earned that day.





I've loved this project for so many reasons. It has been humorous as I've made my way to the recycling center in Santa Ana weekly during the morning commute traffic on the 55S on Friday mornings. I can feel the stares of the people in the cars beside me as I dare not look anywhere but straight ahead. This past Friday was the best. I had my back seat full, my trunk so full that I had to sit on it to close it, and my passenger seat full with 3 bags. My purse had to sit in my lap between my person and the steering wheel because there was no room....anywhere! I drove through Chick-fil-A for a burrito and ate it en route to the recycling center. I'm sure the man in the truck next to me on the on-ramp thought I was a pig AND a hoarder.

the backseat


the front seat

Again, thank you everyone for your contributions whether it be recycling, donations, words of encouragement, advice, or connections with another person.

Love, Danielle

My village living intentionally

Today, I’m committing to a true Sabbath after a long week of working extra hours for extra $ for debt payment and adoption savings. I’ve been in emotional chaos, all over the place, in regard to issues blasted over social media relating to Trayvon Martin and Kony/Jason Russell. My blood pressure has skyrocketed many times over what needless effects race has on humanity and our world (which ranges from stereotyping both Blacks AND Whites and every shade in between). It hits harder as I work hard to save and prepare to embark upon becoming a transracial family and accepting all the “stuff” that goes with it. This is the tip of the iceberg, I know. I know there will be lots of posts on that topic later on down the road....

There are times that as a human I question this whole process even though I know this is my story. I feel that whisper of “Keep your eyes upward [as in above the computer monitor] and trust.” I go back to those two phrases I heard so clearly months ago:

Be expectant.

Be intentional.

I’ve had little glimpses over the past 2 months of what I know will be “big things” when I start the process actively (as in filing the paperwork to begin and beginning fundraising). So many in my community and beyond have adopted this notion of being intentional, and on more than one occasion, I’ve been humbled to speechless (can you believe that one?!?!) and awe-filled. While none go unnoticed, I do want to share a few.

Throughout the days while I’m working, I can hear drops of recyclables go into my container I have outside my room. As I hear each bottle hit faintly in the background of my work activity, it whispers “We believe in you. You can do this.” The echoes of their intent are deafening. I am so appreciative of the commitment of co-workers and friends continuing to save recyclables and bring them into me. Thank you guys!

I saw this picture on Facebook of a dear friend and fellow Africa-lover, Robyn. She grabbed bottles at the park and took them home so I could have them. She didn’t worry about what she looked like in public. She explained her intents to her children who asked questions when they saw their mama "trash diving." She has a heart for orphans and adoption. She was intentional.

Well later, Robyn’s son Zachary had a jog-a-thon at school and was given a plastic water bottle afterward. He saved it and brought it home so it could go into the recycling. A 10-year-old’s determination to be intentional must have made God beam with pride.

A friend I haven’t seen in years reads my blog posts and sends words of encouragement online. She shared my story with a friend. Another friend of hers, someone I have never met, standing by overheard and asked her to mail me a check to go into the adoption fund. She did this immediately. Both Stacey and Sabrina were intentional.

My friends Helen + Sam brought recyclables but also a bag of loose change to go toward the fund. My piggy bank is full of their intent.

These few but invaluable occurrences make it easier for me to be expectant. It also brings to mind a verse that I tucked away in my heart long before I expected this journey:

Open up before God, keep nothing back;
he'll do whatever needs to be done:
He'll validate your life in the clear light of day
and stamp you with approval at high noon.

Psalm 37: 5-6, the Message version

So again, thank you everyone who has become part of my village. There are days when I feel crazy, and you don’t know how life-saving just one plastic bottle can be sometimes. Sometimes, it’s that one bottle or sound of that bottle dropping in the recycling container that reminds me of my intentions in this crazy God-sized journey and confirms it.

Love,

Danielle

FAQs

Many of you have asked questions regarding this whole process and if I have somewhat of a timeline so I thought I’d just make a post that answers the FAQs I’m getting. Feel free to add additional questions in the comments if I missed something. I’m sure someone else wants to know too, but I think I’ll hit the major ones.

When will I have my Shorty?

Well, I’ve designated 2012 and some of 2013 as the prep years before even applying. I want to make sure I have myself in as good of a spot as I can be before adding another responsibility to the pot. I wish I could do it now, as in right this second, but it wouldn’t be best.

What does prep year entail?

• Paying off debt, first and foremost—I owe around $25k (ouch, I know) now for school loans and debts accrued while working for free during my year of internships. This is half of what it was 2 years ago, so I haven’t done to shabbily so far. I wish there was an easy fix but it is what it is and I’m working hard to tackle this sometimes frequently suffocating number. I’m trying to get some extra hours at work, and all of that income will go toward debt reduction. So far, the lotto hasn’t been interested in my magic number to pay off. If I stay on track, I’ll be paid off December 2013. The other overwhelming part? Just as I pay off that number, I’ll have to make sure I save a similar amount. [gulp]
• Changing financial habits—I’m enrolled in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University (highly recommended to anyone and everyone, especially teens and early 20s). I’m also learning to reduce what I think I need, use what I have, and borrow from others. I’m learning to stretch out dollars at the grocery store and meal plan for a week instead of buy what I think is a list of staples (that I never end up eating).
• Researching adoptions, agencies, and countries—Thank God for the “good side” of the internet. I’m connected with so many online families and single who have adopted and are willing to give me the “ins & outs.” I’m able to research agencies and find out from others which ones have good reputations. Where there is poverty, there is corruption. I’d hate to know I didn’t have a legitimate adoption. Sometimes I read until I can see anymore. It’s exhausting and it has only just begun.
• saving money specifically for adoption—Anything earned from babysitting or recycling goes straight into the designated adoption fund. It’ll grow slowly but that is okay. Once I begin the process, I can be more creative with fundraising and apply for grants.
• surrounding myself with fabulous moms—I’m part of Mom’s Ministry at NewSong and attend the Village (group of families who have adopted and/or fostered). I also have plenty of Mom-friends. To top if off, I have a great mom of my own and fantastic sister who “moms” 3 kids. What better role models can one have from whom to learn?!
• praying—I pray for vision, discernment, and a miracle! I know this is my story so I know the resources will be available as they are needed. It doesn’t mean it isn’t overwhelming or that I sometimes don’t wonder what in the crap I’m doing. If any situation has ever demanded some serious praying, its this one!

When will I apply?

Mid-to-late 2013. One of the first steps is to have a home study completed. By that time, I need most of my debt paid for security and because I’ll have to move into a new place with 2-bedrooms to show I have space. This will suck up a lot of money that I can be using for debt payment so I want to postpone that toward the end of repayment so I’m not wasting money in a wasted space. I still have some questions about that part of things so it’s a bit hazy. I’m trying to take it one day at a time since 2012 is ALL PREP.

International or domestic?

My heart is in international. My heart is in Africa. However, if the situation presents and is right, I would do domestic adoption or foster-to-adopt. I’m open but I’m leaning toward international because the desire has been there since an early age.

What country?

I’ve narrowed down the continents but that's about it—Africa. For some reason, I’ve been drawn to the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC). Again, I’m open, but this a country I’m researching now. The weight of the debt gives me quite some time to keep researching and feeling it out.

Why DRC?

DRC is one of the poorest countries in the world. It has an 80% unemployment rate. Millions of children are orphans as a result of a nasty civil war. Many orphanages are overflowing and some can allow provide one meal per day. It is reported that the sexual violence against women and children is the worst of anywhere in the world.

Boy or girl?

I said I never wanted girls. Remember my little game with “I nevers?” Well, I want a girl. For an international adoption, this means a lot. After reading and researching about women across the world and their risk of being raped, sold into human trafficking, or having to resort to prostitution to make ends meet, my heart broke for the girls. These “adult” issues happen to children. Children as young as 5 are sold or turn to prostitution. While I don’t believe adoption “saves” children and Americans “rescue” them, these statistics influence my choice for adoption.

Is my family supportive?

This is NEW territory for them, God help them. I don’t know anyone in my family who has adopted or has been adopted. My parents have always been supportive of my dreams, and I’ve made it this far in life fairly unscathed so I seem to be okay in decision-making so yes, they have faith. Even though they won’t say it, I’m sure they are confused by this desire and worry about the weight of a “transracial” family. Having a kid is hard enough, especially if single, and then top it off with transracial sprinkles of all-sorts-of-issues-we-can-never-anticipate.They also know that I've never done things the way everyone else has. They've had 35 years of seeing this. =)

How can you help?

Continue to save up and give me your recyclables. Again, here are the things that I take:

• Plastic bottles for water, Gatorade
• Jugs for juice or water—even if not CA CRV
• Plastic or colored plastic containers for detergent or soap
• Milk jugs even though not CA CRV
• Glass jars
• Wine bottles
• Newspapers
• Tin cans—soup cans
• Aluminum cans—sodas, beer

Which ones are the most lucrative?

CA CRV plastic bottles and aluminum cans

Give the recyclables weekly or save them up and give them when there's a larger amount?

Whatever works for you! I can take them weekly so you don’t have a pile in your garage or you can give them when you get a good pile

Let me know if you have other questions. I’m keeping with my themes:

Be intentional. Be expectant.

I’m being intentional in every aspect of this prep phase and I’m expectant of resources to be provided and miracles to be revealed.

I bought these charms for my necklace as a reminder for this whole process.

The small print on the charm to the left says: "Be willing to believe in the impossible."

Love,

Danielle

Redemption

First of all, thank you for your continued efforts in recycling!! To date, you have put $111.31 in the adoption fund in just 5 quick trips! Not bad for not even shelling out any coins or cash, right?

As I’ve mentioned before, each trip to the recycling center evokes a different thought or emotion. Something new hits me every time I’m there. It’s as if this is another one of those totally random places God chooses to speak to me the loudest (remember the treadmill in Austin? Yeah, we got a funky-cool relationship going on). For practical purposes, I’m conscious of separating items with “CRV” into specific containers as they yield a higher refund than others. Items must have CA CRV printed on the label which means “California Redemption Value,” meaning the price the recycling center will pay to consumers.

For a couple of trips, that word “redemption” has persisted in my mind as I’ve filled containers and turned in items that can be made into something new—things that won’t be discarded and left as waste, unused for years. Each item has a “value.” A few weeks ago, another friend mentioned this theme as well so that was my validation to continue soaking in it.

Dictionary.com defines “redemption” as the following:

• act of paying off a debt
• deliverance; rescue
• deliverance from sin
• atonement for guilt
• repurchase, as of something sold
• paying off, as of a mortgage, bond, or note
• recovery by payment, as of something pledged

Similarly, this word has specific meaning in the Christian world. Basically, Jesus was sent to the cross to “buy us out” so that we, as believers, are no longer enslaved to sins or Old Testament laws. 

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:23-24

“Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a pole.” Galatians 3:13

When I think of the redemption of these items, I am reminded that we are made new. Despite anything we’ve done or do, we are made new through that relationship. 

2 Corinthians 5:17 comes to mind: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

I pray and think through what will be redeemed in the timing unknown to me but inevitably part of my journey and “our story.” Possibly years of waiting for a family [on both parts of this equation]…redeemed. Pain through the years and process…redeemed. A child’s suffering from past experiences…redeemed. Sacrifice and efforts to pursue financial goals in order to complete this process…redeemed.

I thank you so immensely for coming along on this wild and crazy [and many times, nonsensical] journey!

Love,

Danielle

P.S. I thought I'd list a few recycling facts that I found on the CA.Gov Recycling website:

• In California, nearly 22 billion California Refund Value (CRV)-eligible containers were sold in 2009.
• Of those, more than 17 billion were recycled!
• And the nearly 4 billion that ended up in landfills? You could use them to fill every lane of the entire 770-mile length of Interstate 5...almost a foot deep.
• Since more than 4 billion bottles and cans ended up in the landfill, nobody claimed the CRV on them. How much CRV? More than $100 million worth!
• CRV is 5¢ for bottles and cans less than 24 ounces, and 10¢ for larger ones.
• CRV refunds are available to anyone--consumers, companies, or nonprofits--who returns bottles and cans to a recycling center.
• By eliminating the need to manufacture new products from raw materials, recycling reduces energy use, in turn reducing carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gasses in the air.
• For every 10 pounds of aluminum you recycle, you eliminate 37 pounds of carbon emissions from the air.
• For every 10 pounds of clear plastic water or soda bottles, 3.3 pounds of carbon emissions disappear.
• And although glass bottles are a lot heavier, each 10 pounds recycled still reduces carbon by nearly a pound.
• In a landfill, aluminum cans take 80-100 years to break down.
• Plastic bottles hang around as long as 700 years.
• Glass bottles spend 1 million years waiting around to decompose.

Following

Sitting back basking in the chaos that has ensued since making the decision to lay the foundation for an adoption, I realize I’m actively pursuing another one of my infamous “I nevers.”

I’ll never be a single mom (by choice).

This realization made me think back on all of my other “I nevers” that have brought me to this point in my journey. Even though I grew up in church, it made me realize that I’ve found my own faith and have rediscovered Jesus among those “nevers.” I grew up in church as a child attending every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night. I am very thankful that my mother took me although I moaned and groaned most of the time. This foundation has been invaluable in molding me and preparing me for later in life. 

One song that always takes me back to my childhood in church is “I Have Decided (to follow Jesus).” It was always sung during the invitation (for the non-church-goers, this is the time at the end of the sermon that you can go forward to “accept Jesus” or “be saved”). For me, I was always bored with the staunch performance and my stomach would inevitably begin to wail in anticipation for the roast I knew would be near-perfect in the oven at home. Many Southerners have roast as a Sunday lunch (“dinner” as we call it because “supper” is at night). This song indicated the near conclusion of Sunday services and the transition to the rest of my day. It really meant nothing to me other than being a temporal marker. 

As I’ve indicated in previous posts, church became too "boring" and I began to think too differently so I gave it up the first chance I got. Immediately my mind was set. Who needs it? I, in my heart, knew what I wanted my “religion” to look like and had my ideas of who God is but unfortunately it didn’t align with any churches I'd attended at that time. In my occasional frequent opinionated way, I designed my life in accordance with what I planned to do and my list of “I nevers.” Off I went.....

Insert the sound of a car braking or the record player scratching. Note to self: Watch what you say.

Unbeknownst to me, my life would soon take a different course.

All of the following “I nevers” were intricately worked into my timeline:

· I’ll never move to California

· I’ll never support illegal immigrants

· I’ll never work with children with Autism

· I’ll never date outside my race

· I’ll never go to Africa

·  
I’ll never be a single mom (unless of course I leave my husband because he cheats and I’ll take all the money with me)

Here's how it all went down:

I moved to California—Hollywood to be exact. I loved it. I was enamored by the melting pot. I loved (and still do) the city itself.

I got a job in Pasadena with the most impoverished children from immigrant families. I fell in love with them. I was humbled. I spent hours listening to their stories. 

I work in Autism and love it. It’s my niche. I love that every child is different. I love being challenged to find the way “in.”

I learned about my own “stuff” as I dated other cultures.

I’m absolutely head-over-heels in love with Africa and would go as often as I could every year—boss-willing and if I had the cash. I’ve only had a taste (South Africa x 5) but cannot wait to discover more. It’s a magical place. 

With each journey, God/Jesus revealed more and more about himself and exposed more and more about myself. The God I met was the one I imagined him to be. No longer did I envision a judgmental being of whom I should fear. I saw many aspects of his personality including love, patience, joy, pride, jealousy, sadness, and humor (he must’ve laughed each time he took note of my passionately saying “I never”). I decided at that time that I was for sure “won over.” I would follow because His plan had been so much better than mine. What an adventure and there’s so much more! It also means following His plan for me although it may not be the most popular, even among Christians, which brings me to another one of my “nevers” being confronted.

I will pursue adoption – even if it means being a single mom by choice.

My first country of choice for international adoption? Africa.

Through this current journey, God has added new vocabulary words that I never knew I'd know such as:

• Hague
• home study
• PAP (no, not as in a smear)
• transracial
• dossier
• pro per (propria persona)
• moratorium

Just thinking through all those “I nevers” that God turned in to “I have” or “I will” makes my heart flutter. I no longer even say “I never” – well, other than “I’ll never win the mega million lotto” but so far that strategy hasn’t worked. 

Want to know what song now grips my heart and reminds me of the path I’ve charted even though others may not "go with me" or agree? Yep, you got it. That boring old hymn we sang when I was young—“I Have Decided.” However, Selah has a version that fits perfectly. Listen to it here. I think you’ll be able to figure out how like me, it has been revamped and just right for my journey.

I just read "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" for the first time. We used to watch the movie in the library on rainy days in elementary school, but the message never came as clearly as this time when I read it. It reminded me of my perspective of the God I've discovered in the "nevers" and the one who has taken me on an adventure (though not always easy or fun). One of my (many) favorite parts is when Lucy asks Mrs. Beaver about Aslan. Mrs. Beaver says that "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly." Lucy asks, "Then he isn't safe?" to which Mr. Beaver replies, "Safe? Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Cause he isn't safe. But he's good."

Love,

Danielle

ONE

As I’m sitting on my bed in the midst of a horrific round of the flu choosing between golf or basketball on the TV because we have no cable, my brain starts going at an astronomical speed, hitting me all of a sudden, processing the power and theme of ONE in my journey.

The thoughts starting coming this week mid-week and began over recycling. Yes, recycling is turning my world upside down in the most intangible and tangible ways. I’ve loved growing my recycling community (for background on that: visit here or why I’m even doing this: visit here) and I love love love being presented with "treasures," other people’s trash! Did I just write that?! I love it because it means they thought of me, they thought of the less fortunate—the orphaned, and they thought of my journey and they showed me in a tangible way. It also gives them a way to help ONE child—my future daughter. Because statistics are gripping but overwhelming, it is easy to brush them off because its just too hard to do something about it. This week, the word /image of ONE keeps popping in my head as I choose how to spend money, pick up and save an extra bottle, or take a bag of recyclables from a co-worker or friend. I love how this recycling project is giving everyone a chance to be involved, and I know it is going to show my entire village how when we work together we move mountains.I also firmly believe that when a dream is placed in your heart, God sees it to fruition. Once a leap of faith is taken, things start to fall into place.

I was reminded of this mid-week in the midst of my own negligence. I was leaving work and saw 2 small bags of shredded paper. Normally, I snatch this up on my way out and happily throw it in the trunk. On this day however, I was just tired. I could feel sickness coming on in my lungs. It had been a long day. My arms were full. That extra trip to the car, I felt, would just do me in and be the straw that broke the camel’s back. So, I left it. I hesitated, but I left it. On my way home, as I often do while driving, I felt a dialogue with God brewing:

God: You should have taken the paper.

Me: I know but it was just 2 small bags. I won’t miss it. I’ll make up for it next time. It won’t happen again. That was stupid, I know, because it broke my diligence. I've been saving everything in sight.

God: It’s not about the paper. Remember my 2 mantras I planted in your thick skull? Be expectant. Be intentional. You doubted. I’m in the small stuff, and I grow the small stuff into large stuff. Everything is a gift in this village. When you overlook one can or one bottle because it doesn’t seem significant or enough, you overlook one person who wants to be part of your village or prevent me from doing my job. What if I looked at your offerings the same way? 

I felt bad over the paper. I could feel the words “Be intentional” as I walked by the paper, leaving it. I know that you may be thinking "Its just paper," but it's not.

I realized that it is the people behind this project—not the actual number of recyclables, type, etc. that matter. I’m asking to build a village and people are coming forward. I remind myself: Honor it. Be supported. Appreciate it. The cans and bottles and “things” are tangible ways I’m being shown love and support. 

When I went in to work the next morning and flipped on my light, tears started to spring. Those two little bags of trash were sitting under my desk. A co-worker had seen them and put them in my room so that they wouldn't be discarded. She had no idea that I had left them there purposefully (and with later regret). My heart overflowed at that moment. The tiniest act of love can mean the most. [Muchas gracias, Alicia, te amo!] It was yet another reminder that there will be times on this journey that I’m just tired, but I have a community walking alongside me. 

I wanted to give you a little update. So far, with recycling alone, I’ve added $75 to my “adoption” savings account in less than a month! I'm working on babysitting rates so I haven't sent that out yet--many of you have asked.

Want to join my village of recyclers and supporters? I take the following "gifts of love" for recycling:

• Aluminum cans
• Beer and wine bottles
• Glass bottles of drinks or spaghetti sauce
• Tin cans (soup) – I wash mine out then send them through a ride in the dishwasher
• Newspapers
• Plastic water / Gatorade bottles / large water bottles (lids/tops can be on them)
• Plastic juice jugs (if it’s not CA CRV, they take them at a reduced rate)
• Shredded office paper (not loose office paper)

I keep it in the garage or in my trunk so you can give it to me along the way as you get it or save up and give me a larger bag. I am going to the recycling center once every other week or so. I’ll take it when it’s easy for you!

So, go ahead and drink that bottle of beer or finish off that bottle of wine because you deserve it. Give a thought or send a prayer out for the orphaned, and toss the bottle/can into a bag for me.

Also, feel free to pass along my blog to someone you know or collect recycling at your work and allow others to be part of this project. I have a bin right outside my door to make it easy for co-workers to participate. You can even get free containers at this website.

What else am I doing? 

Filling my piggy bank! All that loose change goes into the pig. I’ve emptied it once and deposited $42.

Oh, and the last thing I’m doing?

Being expectant. Being intentional. Every cent counts. Every can has worth. Every person bearing a bag of “stuff” makes up my village. We will change the life for ONE.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Danielle

Where my heart is

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
-Matthew 6:21

Does this look like treasure?

Just 1 month ago, I would not have said “no” but “hell no!” I like things clean. I like things organized. I don’t keep “stuff.” I already envision trashing the magazine before I’ve even finished reading it. I love purging—I spring clean at least 3 times a year.You will never see me on Hoarder's.

The above pictures show me now. Now, I’m not annoyed. I don’t see junk, I see the future. I see inconvenience on a lot of fronts. I hear laughter. I feel the whisper of a reminder of provision from above. I feel the pride radiating from the Heavens that a child is being obedient and following in His son's footsteps in caring for the orphan. I feel the weight of carrying around a kid that’s too tired from fun or carrying the child in a football hold because there’s a tantrum and I’ve abandoned my shopping cart because I’m too embarrassed to stay in the store. I feel the satisfaction (though not ease) of a dream come true for one big girl and one small girl. I feel the sense of completion, already.

I’m now addicted to other people's junk. I no longer see it as junk, a nuisance, or inconvenience…or just not worth the time. It now hinges a community on a foundation of support and preparation. Thank you to all of my “recycle crew” that is finding, keeping, and giving me recyclables—especially to those of you, who like “my former self,” find it hard to hang on to them when a dumpster is oh-so-nearby-and-calling. I’m excited for this to see how bringing it all together adds up. I’m really hoping for a miraculous fishes & loaves turnout this year (I’ve got the theme of provision filtering through life these days). For my friends who don’t attend church, I’m going to post the story at the bottom of the post for reference. For more info on this project (the “what” and the “why”), see here.

Intentional.

Expectant.

Love,

Danielle

The story of the fishes & loaves (Matthew 14: 13-21, the Message)

When Jesus got the news, he slipped away by boat to an out-of-the-way place by himself. But unsuccessfully—someone saw him and the word got around. Soon a lot of people from the nearby villages walked around the lake to where he was. When he saw them coming, he was overcome with pity and healed their sick. Toward evening the disciples approached him. "We're out in the country and it's getting late. Dismiss the people so they can go to the villages and get some supper." But Jesus said, "There is no need to dismiss them. You give them supper." "All we have are five loaves of bread and two fish," they said. Jesus said, "Bring them here." Then he had the people sit on the grass. He took the five loaves and two fish, lifted his face to heaven in prayer, blessed, broke, and gave the bread to the disciples. The disciples then gave the food to the congregation. They all ate their fill. They gathered twelve baskets of leftovers. About five thousand were fed.

confirmation....

Yesterday, I sent out a very personal blog post. I feel like I always have the angel and devil situated on my shoulders like you see in the cartoons. One whispers truths and one whispers lies, and unfortunately the lies are easier to attend to because you’ve already told them to yourself over and over in the past. As soon as I woke up, my first thought was “What the hell were you thinking by spilling your innermost thoughts, blasting them all over the internet to the whoevers in whereever-land?!” This came to me a few times as I was writing it yesterday too since I’m an introvert who gets grumpy when someone gets in my business when its not my idea or within my time frame to share that information.

On the way to work this morning, I was thinking about one of my loves at work and something that happened last week when I saw him. We played a game while working on our language skills to make it more enticing. Often games backfire as kids start to become competitive. I never let kids win since that is not “real life” for them so its all up to chance with the spinner as it would be with their friends. Well, “G” went first , counted spaces, and then made his way with his pawn to his designated spot. Then I went and scored a higher number and moved ahead of him. His face dropped. All he could see was what was immediately ahead and the fact that I passed him and he began to negotiate. I knew this was going to be a looooooong game! Then something I wasn’t expecting happened. When he took his turn, passed me, and put his pawn on his spot, he took mine and put it next to him. I asked why he did that because I hadn’t yet spun and he was ahead. He batted his long eyelashes and looked at me with his beautiful eyes, and he said “Because I love you and I want you to be right next to me.” He did this for every turn. He had no way of knowing that day how much I appreciated someone swooping me up and taking me alongside--even if during a silly game. Okay not a big deal in the grand scheme of things other than it melts your heart? Not for me. I spend a lot of time looking ahead at the obstacles in the immediate future, not considering the vastness ahead of those or even the finish line, and I’ve subsequently forfeited a few dreams. This was a loving reminder that I needed to spend more time “looking back” to appreciate how far I’ve come, provisions have always been made, and how I’ve been prepped for where I am now.

I was thinking of that this morning as I drove down the 22 headed for work while staring into a dismal horizon. The sky was an ugly blue, still sleepy with rain in the forecast. I glanced back in the rearview and my breath was taken away by the sun waking up and reaching over the mountains. The sky was all shades of orange and utterly amazing to see. Then, when I looked ahead, I began to notice that the back of the signs reflected the orange color as did the windows of tall office buildings. The light trickled ahead allowing me to see it in places that I would not have thought to look had I not seen the sunrise behind me. Yet another timely beautiful reminder.

I knew then that this was my confirmation for posting yesterday. The exposure and transparency of my story will help others check their “rearview” and look back in order to gain encouragement to look ahead again and continue pursuing their dreams, whatever they may be.

It is time....

So many of you have asked…What are your plans? What is this glow that you have about? What’s the latest with your adoption dream? Well, this post should answer those questions and more importantly let you know how you can be a part of it.

For a background, please click here for the post that explains why I didn’t move to Austin and about the beginning of actively praying for a child in need.

Why adoption?

I’ve walked around with a heavily weighted heart for orphans for years and stayed within the “one day” state of mind. On November 6, 2011 at NewSong, we had Orphan Sunday. Several adoptive families went up on stage to dedicate their children who have “come home.” It was a beautiful celebration with tears of joy but also with tears of sadness. These families are truly my heroes. So many already have “the perfect” biological family but have chosen to further open their hearts to love the orphaned through foster or adoption. On that Sunday, I prayed for a child that needs/will need a home and would be mine. I’m not sure if he/she is born yet or what his/her current circumstances are but I prayed that God would prepare our lives to one day meet. This was step one of the process.

I’ve always wanted to adopt, from a young age, and I’m not sure how I came to want that because I knew no one that had adopted. I was also not accustomed to seeing multiracial families. It was when I went to Guatemala and South Africa and visited orphanages that it solidified in my heart and made sense. This is just who I am and the seed was planted from early on.

I want the family I dreamed of with a as-close-to-perfect-as-you-can-get-and-still-be-normal husband, me, and kids of our own along with adopted children. Until now, that hasn’t been in the cards for me. In a perfect world, I’d have that prior to initiating this whole process but we don’t live in a perfect world, do we? If we did, this post would be unnecessary and adoption would not even exist. I never wanted to settle down early because I wanted to be successful and independent as a woman first and have some dreams put to rest before having children. Unfortunately, this leaves me, along with many other women in their 30s, with limited options in the man department. Having been single and “in waiting” and still holding out hope for the one that God intends me to have, I know the loneliness of being alone and feeling like the one last chosen to be on the kickball team in elementary school. I feel like in a similar but different and very very small way, I feel the same as many children out there in need of a home. We both ache for different reasons but both long for a family and someone to be on “our team” for good. More on that can be found on this blog post.

Since that time, I’ve been busy researching blogs of women who’ve charted the path of adoption as a single, interviewed single moms on their juggling and budgeting skills, started a specific savings account for adoption, and have attended adoption meetings through international agencies and Orange County Social Services. There was a lot of “safe” action going on in the name of preparation for that “one day.”

In the past few weeks, I feel this urging and voice that says “it’s time.”

It feels that the dialogue is continually this:

God: It’s time

Me: “One day”

God: It’s time

Me: I’m prepping

God: Put feet on it. It’s time. Create a space and I’ll fill it.

This moves me out of my comfort zone and prompts me to action. It feels like when you are a kid and you go on the high dive for the first time. You stand at the edge that moves with your weight and stare down at the water. I’ve been standing there a long time.

The themes that come to mind are:

Be intentional.

Be expectant.

I’ve been fortunate to have such a supportive community and thank those of you who have offered countless words of encouragement or who have attended meetings with me so I’m not sitting alone among couples.

I appreciate any words of encouragement or advice in planning. Please do refrain from saying things like the following—phrases which I’m more than capable of telling myself:

• Having a child is hard.
• Raising a child is expensive.
• It's hard without a husband/I fall apart when my husband is on a business trip.
• Are you sure you want to do this?
• That’s a big responsibility.
• You’ll have to change your lifestyle.

I get it. It will be hard, I know. I know that I can’t even fathom how hard it will be until the time comes. I know that it'll be even harder because I'm loving children who no longer trust adults. I know that I’m taking the road less taken. I know I’m putting the “cart before the horse.” I know that I will raise a huge question mark.

But I also love this: It further creates my story—the story that was written for me long ago and it being fulfilled. It opens doors for conversation. It opens doors for healing. It puts me in alignment to being me.

Here are some other things I do know:

I’m strong and I persevere-always.

With being single and having family on the other side of the nation, I haven’t had the luxury of depending on others for help with big-decision making, doing mundane tasks, or just making life easier in the simplest of ways. I know what is like to drive yourself to the ER with a pain level of 10 on the 1-10 scale because no one is available when you need to go. I think this long journey of inconvenience has been great prep for this moment. I’ve learned so much through even the small tasks. One day before a wedding, I tried to get dressed and the dress was new and impossible to button by one’s self because the button holes (2 of the #$%@ things) were cloth and not worn in yet as well as dang hard to reach without rubber arms. The inability to simply get dressed for yet another person’s wedding caused a mini-meltdown. I was determined to do this and after 30-45 minutes of sweating off my make-up, shouting expletives at the top of my lungs, and cursing singleness for this one day, I buttoned those 2 buttons. I know that it’s a menial task but it was just the tip of the iceberg of bigger things. Besides, this dress made my womanly parts look even womanlier so it was going to this wedding.

I know who I am.

Much to my dismay, I followed friends’ prompts and tried online dating. As I filled out the profile and was forced to think about who I am, I wondered how many married or dating couples are able to describe themselves (in “I” not “we”) at the drop of a hat. It was good practice to remind myself of all that I am. I’ve had many near misses in my past and have had more than 9 lives at this point. I know I’m here for a reason. I’ve always known I’m meant to be a mother—even if not in the most conventional way.

I have a village.

I have the support of family and friends. I’m also walking the journey with others who have adopted at NewSong. I’m surrounding myself with amazing women and mothers through Mom’s group on Friday mornings at NewSong. I have a supportive work environment. I’m great with networking for common denominators.

I am obedient and that obedience will be honored.

I’ve had quite the list of “I’ll never” in my past and each one has come to pass. I think God must have written each one on a post-it note and dropped it down in my timeline at random times while he sat back to enjoy the show. With each one that has come to pass, I feel like he reminds me “My plan is so much better than your plan.” This has been tried and true so I know it’ll continue. One “I’ll never,” has been to never adopt domestically because of the fear and reality of reunification of the child with the birth family. I said I’d only adopt internationally which has been my heart’s desire for as long as I can remember. Now, I’m open to both and am obedient. I know the right situation will present itself and it will work out.

I know that God will provide.

God’ heart is adoption. God has a special place for children and he not asks but demands that we care for the orphans. I have no doubt that with some adjustments on my part, we will be okay.

So, big breath. That’s where I’m at.

Now, how can you be involved?

An African proverb (supposedly African) says “It takes a village to raise a child.” It also takes a village to bring one home.

Want to know some tangible ways you can be the Village right now?

Here are a few easy ones I’ve thought of:

1. Recycle: If you'll save your bottles and pass them on to me, then I'll recycle and put that money into the savings account. I've found that when I save up for months, I barely make enough to buy a latte. I just feel better about taking care of the environment and doing my part. If we think like a village, and put all of the recycling together, so much more can go toward bringing a child home or providing a safe home from abuse. If you are willing to donate recyclables (bottles, juice and water jugs, ink cartridges, beer and wine bottles), then I could pick them up from you when you need or get them at work/church. Free money! You could also watch the village grow by asking your co-workers or students (for teachers) to put recyclables aside for this. If you are willing to do this, please send me an email.
2. Hire a babysitter-me!: I've decided to practice giving up some fun weekend nights to care for children. Should you need a babysitter, let me know! You can message me for rates and specifics. All money will go to the adoption savings fund.
3. Pray: you can email me for a list of specifics

This blog was long. This process will be long. I've designated 2012 as the year to pay off as much debt as humanly possible and to prepare. I'll start the application process in early 2013. Thank you for reading, hoping, praying, dreaming with me, and for possibly becoming involved. Please remember to be expectant and be intentional along with me.
Much much love,
Danielle