The Church as a Mother

Recently, I was flipping through my journal and came across this picture....

Today, I came to mind so I flipped back to look at it. I'm not sure when I wrote this or why, or if a post was in the works in my soul, but it's there from maybe 6 months ago. As I thought of mothers today, both my own and those who have served as a mother to me in some capacity, I thought of NewSong as a mother.

The sentence is true: I LOVE this church, and by church, I mean the people, my community.

Like a mother, it has pushed me to be more than I thought I could be. I remember the first day I walked in to this church. I was timid. I barely spoke. I stuck out like a sore thumb (less white people circa 2003). I sat on the back row. I felt shame having been out of church and deep in sin for a long time. I loved my first time and have hardly missed a Sunday since. It was exactly what I had dreamed of when I was younger but had given up in finding. This church embraced me. It wiped away the fear, tears, shame and other emotions that had been bottled up inside and comforted me, just like my mother would have done. While it hoped for more from me, it met me where I was. With encouragement and resources, it has shaped me to be who I am today and prepared me to be more that I have yet to realize or see unfold. It recognized me as a leader before I did and gave me opportunities to lead when I did not believe I had the tools or was the right fit. I've been gently reminded here of what I need to "do" or "change" to be more in tune with God without feeling condemnation. I've felt that no matter how much I screw up within or outside of the building, I'll be accepted and loved. And just like my real mama, I can say something about her but if YOU do, "them's fightin' words." 

Sometimes, I look around and am immediately teary-eyed seeing the extraordinary people that are part of this community--many I know personally and some whose stories I only know. I see my personal heroes in families that have adopted or fostered. I see the mother with children with disabilities who provides hope and encouragement for others. I see the physician who built an agency to help pregnant women with alternatives to abortions. I see pastors who are tangible and believe in the congregation as being priests. I see the group that visits Mexico monthly despite warnings to love and bring joy to the children in the orphanage. Everywhere, you can't move without bumping into Heaven on earth. You can't slip through the hallways without brushing up against one or many of God's hands and feet.

I'm surrounded by people who have walked hard roads, roads that are often avoided for an easier path, but they are transparent and vulnerable along their journeys. They share not only the ending, but the details of their struggles. People have bid farewell to that facade that is too often worn in churches. When I've had a dream that sometimes felt farfetched and out of my realm of ability, I've not heard "Let me know if you need help" but instead I have heard "You can do this! How can I help you?" For those that have said this, thank you. Your words have given me life.

If you are out there and looking for a church with an authentic community who isn't afraid to get messy with you in life's ups & downs, check us out. It doesn't matter how long you've been out of church, how many Saturday nights that you cap off with regret or shame, how deep in sin or despair you are, there is a place for you here. I know this, because there was a place for me. You can find more info here and here.

PS. My seat on the back row is available. I'm in the front.

Love, 

Danielle

Afterthoughts...

Now that I have been back 2.5 months, a few experiences and affirmations are constantly in the forefront of my mind and are continually processed on a daily basis. Some are very tangible while others are intangible or being processed or testing my ability to really take leaps of faith. It has been an interesting and exciting and frustrating return all combined into one.

One experience I won't forget is the day we ordered fish & chips for lunch and took it back to our guest house to eat. I always fear not having enough food so we ordered a little more than what we actually ate and we had no way to store the food so we reluctantly took it to dispose of it. The worker in the kitchen told us to just put it on the counter. We did so and went on about our day expecting that this was in her job description to clean up after us. A team member went back in to the kitchen to ask a question and saw the worker going through all the parcels taking out what was left to take home to her family. I don't think I have ever been leveled as much as I was on that day. I still think of that story on a daily basis. I like to think I'm a conscientious person but I can be wasteful when it comes to food. If you know me well, you know I always have tons of food left over at parties because I always fear "running out." I've definitely been better and I'm constantly trying to "reduce" and "reuse" as much as possible.

Another resounding theme was finding hope in despair. I went in to a few seemingly dark places--serving alongside the homeless, serving the prostitutes at night, going into the prison. While the circumstances were "dark," there was light in people's eyes that I didn't expect, a sign of hope--hope that their situation is temporary and will improve, a hope that someone sees them, a hope that God will redeem.

I think one of the best places I saw this faith in action was in the prison. I've always wanted to visit the prison but it was always something the guys did on the trips (if it was part of the schedule) because some prisons won't allow women in at all. Mqokeleli (pastor at Harvester, http://backtosa2010.blogspot.com/2010/11/where-did-we-attend-church.html) offered to take me to the prison with him so I jumped on the opportunity. I was scared at first as I had to lock up all my belongings and go in to such an unfamiliar environment, one that can easily invoke fear among women. This is not really "my cup of tea" so to speak even though I have wanted to go. The barrier was quickly dissolved as the men were very friendly. I was worried that the men would be silent since I was an outsider, a woman, and an American. The opposite occurred, and they opened up and shared many of their testimonies and how they wound up in prison and how they believed their lives were being transformed through Christ. I left with a better idea of how much I need to shift my perspective despite my circumstances.

As for as South Africa goes, I keep getting my annual questions "When will you go back?" or "When are you going back for good?" It has definitely brought me to a place to fully embrace God's plan for my life even if it sets me apart from others from a lifestyle or financial standpoint. I'm slowly trading the dreams I have/had for my life for His dreams as mine are surely limited. Who knows where this will take place, and I don't think I have to know right now.

One thread keeps weaving in and out of my life at opportune moments though. When I was at a Christian women's conference this summer, the one question that I took home was: I have been placed in this place, at this time, in this moment in history. Why? For what purpose? I often reflect on that. During one of my quiet times in SA, I was thinking about that and then opened a devotional book that I brought and decided to skip ahead breaking the intended order. These bullet points were in the side margin of the lesson which was titled "Submissive to the Lord's assignment:"

• My life means more than the temporary
• I live at this point in history for a reason
• My existence is no mistake
• I'm here for a purpose -- to fulfill my God-given role

I hadn't given this too much concentrated thought until this past week when it came back up during a morning conversation with my mom. We discussed this based on some personal things I'm working through. She doesn't know the history of this "thread." The next day, I received a card in the mail from her with this on the front (which had already been mailed from Mississippi and en route when we had our conversation about this topic):

• You are not here by chance, but by God's choosing. His hand formed you and made you the person you are. He compares you to no one else-- you are one of a kind. He has allowed you to be here at this time in history to fulfull His special purpose for this generation.

The inside read:

• You are God's servant in God's place at God's perfect time.

I'm a little scattered all over the place since my return as I'm processing next steps. However, I'm comforted by that affirmed message as it has recurred in the best of the worst of times. 'Nuf said.

That's it for now, folks. Thanks for keeping up with all my posts and random thoughts before, during and after the trip. We're all in this together.

With much love and gratitude.