Enveloped by my people - thankful

I last posted that I was going through a medical journey. It continues. I’m still not ready to post specifics online, but many of you know the situation and are part of my “army.” Thank you.

I’m learning a lot along the way—a lot of things that I don’t want to learn and a ton of things about myself and my inner workings. Each morning I wake up and hope that I’ve been dreaming. Each morning I’m disappointed. The realities are renewed every morning and it's painful. Luckily, God’s mercies are too. Wiped clean are remnants of the faith-shaking questions that all begin with “Why…” and the consequences of my human reactions. I always find myself thinking that this situation is best fitted for a pedophile, human trafficker, [insert here any crime that makes you wanna vomit] etc. My wedding is a short time away and I long to be one of those giggly bride-to-be’s who is attending to last minute details and semi-starving themselves to fit in a dress. I long to explore the area and serve/host with Luba but we started this journey as soon as he arrived. After all the waiting for his arrival and the paperwork, celebrations have been interrupted with “this.” 

Each time the “Why” has seeped in over the last few months, I always feel this from God and I have consistently time and time again, “Because I will shine brightest in you.”

I’m exhausted. The steps it takes to self advocate with insurance are daunting on top of working 40-50 hours per week, adjusting to Luba’s and my life together, finishing fieldwork, doing “life,” and planning a wedding. I’m terrible with the unknown. I’m a do-er. I research. I make lists. I network. I connect. It’s so hard for me to wait. To listen. To primarily have prayer as my weapon and comfort. To leave my care in the hands of others.

I’m so appreciative of my people. I’ve had consults with physicians at no charge, thanks to friends’ referrals & connections. I’ve had a network that has stepped up and made recommendations. I’ve felt the Heavens move with prayers of so many, with many praying in unison across the country. It’s palpable. Blessed is an understatement.

There are truths that I repeat to myself every day over and over and over again. A few that have been specifically shared by others via text and letter are:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Psalm 91:

You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
    spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow, Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
    I trust in you and I’m safe!” That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
    shields you from deadly hazards. His huge outstretched arms protect you—
    under them you’re perfectly safe;
    his arms fend off all harm. Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
    not flying arrows in the day, Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
    not disaster that erupts at high noon. Even though others succumb all around,
    drop like flies right and left,
    no harm will even graze you. You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
    watch the wicked turn into corpses. Yes, because God’s your refuge,
    the High God your very own home, Evil can’t get close to you,
    harm can’t get through the door. He ordered his angels
    to guard you wherever you go. If you stumble, they’ll catch you;
    their job is to keep you from falling. You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
    and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
    “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best of care
    if you’ll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
    I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party. I’ll give you a long life,
    give you a long drink of salvation!”

One of my last posts is still very much relevant and the lyrics posted below are like balm to my soul (“Oceans” by Hillsong, google it so you can hear the beauty of the lyrics).  At any moment, a small pull of the string may leave me completely unraveled. I’m still doing my best, while exhausted and confused, to keep my eyes fixed. I’m basking in the love and support of others. I’m finding my “freedom” in allowance. 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

This will be okay. 

I will be okay, and His light will be even brighter after the journey.

Thank you a million times over for being part of the journey. Thank you for your part in the support whether it be prayer, emotional, referrals, cheerleader, reminding me of truths, etc. 

A huge thank you goes out to Luba for so much but a few are: making calls to offices with little information, cooking, listening, and just smiling through my spectrum emotions and misguided anger. The love & laughter have been my platform on which to stand.  

Love,

Danielle

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is Mother’s Day. Today is the first time I’ve really somewhat “gotten it.”

I look at the holiday differently. First of all, it’s much more personal. As I tuck money away and pay off debts in order to prepare for a future adoption, it makes me wonder if there is already a child out there who will call my house “home” and call me by the most important name in the world, “Mommy,” in the future. How is she celebrating with her birth mother today? Does she have a mother? What trauma may she face before we meet? This year, my heart has changed as has my perspective, making this day different than any other Mother’s Day in the past.  Many different faces pop into my mind this year—friends who are new moms, my own mother, my sister, adoptive and foster parents from The Village, facebook friends who have welcomed me into their adoptive communities, friends dealing with infertility, friends who lost their mothers this year, famous fierce mothers from the past, and those who have given up being a mother physically in order to “mother” so many others.

Recently while on a trip home to Mississippi, I looked back into my senior memory book. Where it asked what I’d be doing in ten years I had written “Married with 2 kids working as a medical technologist in a hospital.” Well, in 2004 that ten year marker came and went, with me being in CA single with no kids. It wasn’t a big deal in 2004 as I was in a serious relationship headed to what I thought was marriage. The relationship ended. A year passed. Another year passed. Another year passed. Another five years passed. I’m still single. I’m still not a mother. I’ve grieved dreams and expectations and kissed them good-bye.

It could be sad, but it’s not. Don’t get me wrong—on many occasions I have been completed devastated and disappointed. With my “human eyes,” I have had countless experiences of watching others obtain MY dream, some of which I felt were undeserving. That perspective was accompanied by feelings of confusion, doubt, and envy.

So many times, I was reminded of the verse Isaiah 55:8:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
 neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

 If I look around with my “human eyes,” I’ll always see disappointment. My heart will harden from envy or disappointment. My faith will weaken as I second guess. I will miss so many opportunities along the way that are building me for a dream fulfilled.  I just cannot understand. His ways are not my ways. His dreams for my life are so much bigger than what I can imagine for my own. Thank goodness, right, because hindsight is 20/20—especially when it comes to men. (sorry, guys)

Had I gotten anywhere close to the goal set at that time I completed that memory book, I would not be anywhere near the mother I will be one day. I’m sure I’d be happy and complacent. Complacent is a word that I never want to be active in my vocabulary when I describe my own life. As I’ve dealt with the unexpected and the disappointments over the years, I’ve gotten closer and closer to God’s heart. He has sent me to Mexico, Guatemala, and South Africa and has shown me glimpses into his heart for the orphaned. I’ve felt in the most miniscule way the heartbreak he feels for children. Hints of my destiny or my “own story” have been revealed along the way—small snippets that lead me into total surrender to a greater plan and desire for more. My heart has opened to the possibility of fostering to adopt, if that’s the plan (who knows?!?!). My dream of adoption that I had as a child has moved to the forefront and within the plane of reality. My heart has connected in a special way to so many others who have adopted/fostered or are in the process. My “mother’s heart” is growing exponentially, sometimes to the point of bursting.

Today is a reminder that I am not a mother as I thought I’d be by this time in my life. Better yet, it is a reminder that I’m not writing my story, God is, and the best is yet to come.

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom and sister—shining role models of patience and sacrifice. I have big shoes to fill. 

 

Me + Mom

 Me + my sister

Happy Mother’s Day to those who mourn on this day—the loss of a mother or a child, a miscarriage, or the motherless.

Happy Mother’s Day to my parents at Cornerstone, Haven of Hope, and elsewhere that mother children with special needs. You love fiercely. You humble me. It’s an honor to walk along beside you and help in any capacity that I can. You are my heroes. 

Happy Mother’s Day to the single moms who don’t have a significant other to give you a break and bestow little gifts on behalf of your children—your strength and courage sets an example that I hope I can follow should that be part of my story. 

Happy Mother’s Day to those in waiting, like me, with a mother’s heart.

Happy Easter

This is my favorite week of the year--a week of reflection before my favorite holiday [Easter].

Recently, I started reading “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” as part of the Mom’s group I attend [yes, even though I’m not a mom]. The book has been informative yet dry for me. I have found it somewhat boring and I have not really appreciated it. Until today. I realized that a few weeks ago, I was receiving messages that would carry me through some upcoming difficult times. And then those times hit.

I was created a people-pleaser. I was groomed to “do good” and be the best I can be while doing it. I love helping others. I give 150% at work and in play. I do things for the right reasons even though I sometimes make mistakes. The best lesson my daddy (remember I’m Southern and we proudly say “daddy”) taught me is: Never look at WHAT someone did, look at WHY they did it. You can imagine how hard it hit when my character was attacked recently. It’s happened in a few significant situations over the past month and a half. It’s hard when not everyone has that simple nugget of wisdom that my daddy instilled in me at a young age. I felt violated, betrayed, bewildered and physically unsafe. In turn, the anger became overwhelming. The verse that I keep reciting to myself is Exodus 14:14: The Lord will fight for you - you need only to be still.

One night when sitting on my bed partying [pity partying, that is], entrenched in quite a few “head shaking” and “expletives shouting” moments [Sorry, cover your ears/eyes God], it hit me. I ran to get my “Emotionally Healthy” book and instinctively, I knew exactly where to turn. I re-read the chapter on where Jesus was questioned. In doing right, he disappointed so many.

He disappointed family members.

He disappointed friends.

He disappointed the disciples.

He disappointed [and regularly rebuked and pissed off] the religious leaders.

So...I’m in good company.

The timeliness of my “situations”make this week even more reverent as I reflect upon the meaning of this week and Good Friday.

When I think of Good Friday and the crucifixion, the following words come to mind:

suffering. unjust. undeserved. cruel. dark. punishment. tears. loneliness. pain. sadness. horror. ridicule. betrayal. separated. broken.

It had to happen to complete the unfolding story. It would become a part of so many others’ stories.

Within recent situations, I felt those same words on a personal level.

And then, I’m reminded. Beyond their limited perspective, on the horizon, would be: resurrection. The following words come to mind:

celebration. hope. light. justice. goodness. redemption. healing. joy. warmth. reconciliation. strength. vision. grace.

Within other recent situations, I have also felt these words on a personal level.

So on this Easter, bask in your pain. It has to happen to complete YOUR unfolding story. It’s also a part of someone else’s. Feel it, every part of it. Decide how to use it. Who needs to hear your story? Share it, ALL of it, uncensored. Know that in the near future, a resurrection is coming. There will be celebration. Joy will be abundant. Redemption will come.

Happy Easter with love,

Danielle