Hope in the struggle

Blogging has become such a rare indulgence these days. I've missed it so much, but E has kept me very busy!


I cannot believe that Eden is already 9 months old- almost 10 months! Time does fly when you're having fun. We are marveling at her growth and development. She is passing through such a fun stage in development where she is engaging with us and moving around. She's a fast roller - she rolls all over the place (crawl, baby Girl, crawl). She is sweet and happy.


Because she is progressing in her development, she tries so many more things and gets so mad when she is unable to do something quickly. She spots so many shiny or forbidden things that are just out of reach. I watch her move her body and reach as far as she can to grasp things that she wants but they are just out of reach or she accidentally pushes them further away. She gets so mad and seems so helpless. It's hard to watch because I want to swoop in and hand her what she wants or push her along, but she needs to do this on her own for her own development and success. I wish she could see "it's right there....she's almost got it!" She's unable to see the smallest yet most significant growth as her movements progress and develop. I can see that she is on the cusp, but I'm sure she only feels the disappointment and vision of something just out of reach. She's going to be so happy when she does get it. If I hand it over so easily, she misses growth and satisfaction with her success. One day, she will have no recollection of this struggle. Like all of, she will throw her head back and laugh as we regale her with stories of her babyhood.

As I've sat back and watched this failed attempt so many times, I've been reminded of my own struggles. This move has been hard. Assimilation into our new city has only been slightly successful, from our perspectives. It does not yet feel like home. So many days end with, "What are we doing here?" We have so many goals that now feel unreachable. I feel like I'm always grasping for ideas or dreams that are just beyond reach or slip from my touch. I've had some really hard days, and it would be safe to say that the dark days far outnumber the good ones.


The other day as I watched Eden struggle, I was reminded of how hard it must be for a Heavenly Father to sit back and watch our struggles. It's really the same, isn't it? Our intents our known. Our struggles are acknowledged. The unattainable or slipped dream is painful. All along the way though, He has a view of what is ahead - our growth, our successes, our dreams realized, the happiness of a dream grasped. We can't see these small, yet significant, steps. But, He can. I imagine He is cheering me on as I blindly move in the direction I need to go, unable to see my growth sometimes due to the darkness or misfocus. So, I press on with faith that I'm closer and where I need to be at the moment. In due time, I'll by-products of faith and hope will be within reach, within my grasp, and tangible. 


I've found hope in the day-to-day acts of mothering and watching Eden grow. I've learned, and continue to learn, so many lessons in the stillness of night in the wee hours or the struggle of "step in vs. step back." 

I think that parenting has given me, and other men and women, a whole different dimension in their spirituality. 

I will filled with hope this weekend as she finally moved forward in crawling. It's happening! 

Now, excuse me while I go baby-proof the house and install plugs in all the outlets! 

With hope for us all, 
Danielle 

Learning to wait

First of all, I’m so appreciative of those who read my last blog post. I’m humbled when people actually read all my random thoughts and updates. Secondly, I have survived on the subsequent comments, well wishes, emails, texts, and visits with me all the while teary-eyed as you told your own story and mentioned threads of mine. All of our stories are interwoven. You see me, you hear me, you care. It’s truly a gift.

Today is the 4^th of July. Freedom is the theme of the day. For me, it’s my “word” this year. I’ve been experiencing freedom in ways that I could not imagine – most of it has come through vulnerability. The hugest freedom has been loosening the chains of “control” in my life. I’ve been moving, slowly (sloth-pace), from the driver’s seat to the passenger’s seat. Okay, maybe I’m “riding the hump” (sorry, had to add a country phrase) or straddling between seats, but I’m moving.

I woke up this morning with just an overwhelming peace that I never thought I would fully embrace or grasp—the peace of submission, of waiting, of letting go. Some of you know bits & pieces of what is not said publicly in the blog and you can affirm the fact that God speaks tangibly to me. For me, there’s no way I could not believe because I’ve had way too many “Only God” moments, ones that leave both the believers and the non-believers stumped or with “chill bumps.” It leaves some shaking heads and shrugging, “How does this happen to you?” The beauty of it is….that I know. I know I’m loved. I know I’m created for a purpose. I have grace. I have provision.

For the past few years, I feel like God & I have had a very special roller-coaster-ride, patience-teaching, submission-inducing relationship. I’ve been able to yell back, rest, cry, throw things, high five, laugh, question—all the while knowing I’m loved beyond measure, taken care of, and will continue to be taken care of. I’m infuriated by the Christian-ease shown when people show real human emotions. I am enraged with hearing “give it to God,” “if you’re worrying, you’re not praying,” etc.  I cognitively get all those things but I appreciate my relationship which allows me to be human, the way I was created. I’m allowed to have emotions—be scared terrified, sad, angry. I’m allowed to process these AND know that I’ll be okay. I know I have a resting place that I’ll nestle in after the occasional internal emotional fight.

How did I get here? Me- the control freak, detail-obsessed, must-know-timeline beforehand to begin, do-it-quick-and-check-it-off-a-list person? Simple: Repeated tangible moments that are undeniably “Only God.”

For some reason, I woke up with one of my earliest happenings on my mind. There are many “miracle” stories in my childhood. One that played out as I woke was being in a car accident at ~21. I was driving home via “back roads” from Alabama to Mississippi after a hair appointment. For months earlier, I had been thinking that I should learn the names of roads in case of emergency (at this time, we had recently gotten all roads renamed/named for the 911 system). I came around a curve in the road to see a car in my lane. It was a woman driving, and her child was standing in the seat next to her (don’t even get me started…). There was no way I could hit them in any way. My first thought was the child. I swerved and missed. No biggie—until I went to get back on the road. My car hit loose gravel and I began to swerve from one side of the road to the other, quickly losing control of the car. At that moment, I felt the spin. I could see flashes of trees, houses, familiar landmarks. I felt the car slide up a slight embankment. Those few seconds felt like an eternity. For some reason, logic kicked in. I held my legs close to the seat (flashbacks of broken legs from locked legs extended to the pedals from in auto safety classes in school), took my feet off the pedals, gripped the stirring wheel, and held on. I felt the car go up and then start to flip. One of my worst fears was slowly (although I’m sure quickly) being lived. Then, it was realized. The car flipped and rested, upside down. My first thoughts were to get out—I’d be so upset if I was okay and then the car caught on fire or something. I had no idea what the condition of the car was like on the outside. I unbuckled my seat belt and fell face down on my opened bible that had fallen out of the glove box (1 regret in life? not looking at the passage!). I couldn’t orient myself to get the passenger door open – who’s used to opening the door from upside down? I called 911. I didn’t freak out until she said “Where are you?” and I couldn’t answer. What were the names of those roads??!?! I couldn’t read the small sign from so far away. I tried to explain where I was in terms of landmarks and other major roads. Reality hit when she said “Don’t worry ma’am, we are looking for you.” I knew she had no idea where I was. This is a low traffic area in this time of day as well so I knew that no one was coming quickly. Suddenly, two guys that looked like convicts (understatement) drove up. I panicked. But, reluctantly I engaged them. I asked them to simply open my door so I could crawl out. They did. I was thinking “now what?” so I remained on the phone with the 911 operator (God bless these people). I joked and told them if they had anything to hide then they may want to get on down the road as the highway patrol was on the way. I kid you not, they bolted like a flash of lightning. By this time, I was able to read the cross streets and emergency personnel were on the way. The volunteer fireman from down the street showed up. I asked him to please cancel any ambulance and have only the highway patrol arrive. He did but I heard him on the phone—“I think she’s okay. She looks okay. She wants to cancel the ambulance so her dad doesn’t get billed for an unnecessary ride. She’s making jokes.” Because of my “kookiness” from being so freaking glad I was “okay” they assumed I had a head injury. The volunteer fireman said he didn’t want to come to the scene after the call because that “curve gets everyone” and “most people wrap themselves around the tree.” You see, I missed the trees. My car slid right through, hitting nothing. I had no scratches. No glass broke. I didn’t hit my head during the spinning and flipping. I was the first person in an accident per his knowledge that wasn’t seriously injured. Purpose? I knew I had one. This moment was loud for me. Provision? Although it wasn’t my first taste of it, it was my most flavorful.

Most of this “learning” however began with my visa journey. I had only so much control. I could control submitting paperwork and some details. My attention to detail and organization could shine in the execution of paperwork. The rest—approvals, dates, requests for additional info (the important stuff)—was out of my control. We worked by a timeline that either caused feelings of elation or desperation. None of it was “approximate.” All in all, most of our steps were completed or approved in 50% of the time expected which is what I prayed for. The ones that weren’t, however, were very delayed. Actually, I prayed for a quick trip through this dreaded timeline but I also wanted our story to be a reflection of God’s presence in our relationship and to highlight things that only He could do.

I’ll share one of those moments that was one of the most profound for us. Luba’s police clearance was delayed. It was our final piece of paper before a last submission to the embassy to get scheduled for an interview. Calls were made. In turn, false promises were made. More calls were made. More promises were made. No police clearance came. Emotions were beyond definable at that moment—we could do nothing, nothing but pray. Our friends & families prayed.  Luba was working with the police academy and set out for an assignment that was changed at the very last minute. Instead, he was to take a couple people to the airport. Of all of the people that could have landed in the back seat of the car, she was the ONE we needed. She could assist us with our missing paperwork. She was a high government official and in charge of this very thing. She heard our story. She exchanged personal information with Luba. By the beginning of the next week, it was in the mail to us and we were on our way. (Long story short: she saved us from waiting for paperwork that was never coming without some bribery & corruption involved and months of delay). At that moment, I began to really set up camp and rest in a verse that had been shared with me by my friend April Diaz much earlier:

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
    it speaks of the end
    and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
    it will certainly come
    and will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:3

When my medical journey began, I started out again as who I’ve always been. I had to mentally run through a timeline with steps to “get this tumor out.” Again, everything was already lined up and revealed little by little. It was proven yet again that His ways are better than mine. Had I gone by my course of action, which was logically and medically sound in nature, I’d have the tumor out now but would definitely have some permanent neurological effects. The surgeons were not trained and appropriate for my case. I would have entrusted my voice to sub-par physicians and surgeons all the way around. I had trusted them, and they had been wrong – all of them. I was reminded of Habakkuk 2:3 each time a delay occurred—insurance mishaps, that yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing something wasn’t right, the anesthesiologist on the case that urged me to get a 2^nd opinion even though surgery was scheduled, the ENT who is a specialist and told me to wait, the fight with insurance. It even occurred as the #1 surgeon (out of state) for this rare tumor contact ME to be of assistance after he read a Facebook post. Seriously? He contacted ME after I had researched him online, wished for his opinion, and gave up the thought of contacting him when I didn’t find an email address online. The very next morning, I woke up to a message from him which included his email address and some confirmation of questions (& second guesses trying to push in) that had been racing through my mind. A few months ago, I was grasping for any date for surgery. I rushed. Today when you ask me when surgery is, you get a nonchalant shrug and “Dunno.” I know it’s going to be scheduled on the right day. The right surgeons are going to be there. I’ll have my posse praying through every minute of the surgery. I will be okay.

A few weekends ago, I went to my all time favorite women’s conference in LA. I go every year. It sustains me until the following year. This year, the theme was “Be Brave.” “Brave” was a word I had been thinking through for weeks so I knew it was going to be good. And it was. One speaker, who is a Grammy-winning recording artist, recounted his experience of having vocal fold damage during intubation during surgery. It was refreshing to see him back up and singing, albeit different than before the surgery, and still living his purpose. He was there for all of us, but I knew he was specifically there for me.

One thought kept resounding in my soul all weekend:

I’ve given you a voice—what makes you think I’d take your gift?

You’ll speak louder after; your territory will be enlarged.

It is done.

I believe it. It’s mine. I claim it. I hold on to it. I wait for it. The right time will come and it will not be delayed.

Love,

Danielle 

Surviving the Wilderness

Last time I posted, I indicated I’m on my medical journey which is really bringing my “theme of the year” to its fullest potential (freedom, through vulnerability).

It feels like every time I turn a corner, I’m slapped in the face by some disappointment or dead end. But also, every time this happens, I feel caught by a soft net intricately woven with prayers, tears, hope, grace, and the Holy Spirit. There’s some word of encouragement, email, gift....something to remind me that I’m not in this alone.

I got denied my requested 2^nd opinion at UCI this week, which was my biggest prayer request “of the moment.” There was not any reason for it, other than cost I’m sure. I was devastated (still am). I frantically called my insurance group and the parent company. After 2 hours on the phone, I just didn’t have anything left in me. I came home and ate (thank God for Luba and his willingness to cook) and then opened up my Beth Moore study’s workbook. The first thing I laid my eyes on was one of my favorite verses that had been buried in the back of my mind somewhere:

The sigh of relief came. A simple reminder. I could rest my spirit.

This week was full of surprises from Luba’s sweet gifts and generosity to a very sweet card with a favorite lotion attached at work from an anonymous person (who are you?). 

Luckily, each day I have had just enough “fight” in me to press on with what I need to do. I was reminded of this in last week’s study (Beth Moore) in regard to the Israelites in the wilderness. They were given manna when wandering through the wilderness but it was given according to need. None could be “stored up” or saved for another day. They gathered what they needed day by day. God’s grace is given according to need. It’s been a lesson for me to focus on “daily” and not work ahead.  I've panicked many times but now realize that I have "just enough" every single day, even when the night before I'm at a loss and thoroughly exhausted and bone-dry. I’m realizing how little control I have in life although I’ve been deceived for a while in believing I’d been successful in this. 

This is what the Lord has commanded: ‘Gather of it, each one of you, as much as he can eat. You shall each take an omer, according to the number of the persons that each of you has in his tent.’” ¹⁷ And the people of Israel did so. They gathered, some more, some less. ¹⁸ But when they measured it with an omer, whoever gathered much had nothing left over, and whoever gathered little had no lack. Each of them gathered as much as he could eat. 
Exodus 16: 16-19

While “waiting” through the insurance and journey to health, I’ve been able to have some fun with concentrating primarily on wedding planning!

Today, I was fitted for my dress. Luckily, it still fits after hanging in the closet for almost a year!

Luba & I have also gotten out to enjoy the beach. The vastness and freshness of the ocean is truly one of the best medicines.

Please keep me in your prayers. Feel free to email me for specifics. I’m so thankful for you and your support. You keep me a-float!

Love

Danielle

Hindsight

Recently, I was on a “life high” even though it was coupled with a very deep low. I was able to make sense of a lot of “things” and dreams were being realized, miracles were being witnessed, and I was on the cusp of such huge “life things.” I remember a friend’s daughter hit a low point and I emailed her to encourage her. I was walking through some significant issues but I was at a point where hindsight was on my side and was able to try and share what I had learned over the past few years. Even though events were painful and those events seemed to eclipse the joy every now and then, I could see how God had carefully orchestrated where I was to that point. I was coming to the end of a long long long waiting period. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could almost touch the finish line.

I’ve come to realize that God only grants us the gift of hindsight. Being able to look in life’s rearview mirror is enough for me to trust that, although it is difficult, foresight is unnecessary when I fully trust that God’s plans for me are so much greater than I can even fathom. I probably wouldn’t even believe it anyway if I had a glimpse into the future. I was at a point where it was easier (it’s never easy, is it?!??) to recognize how smaller events and experiences made up the larger plan unfolding like all the essential border pieces of a puzzle that help you build your structure.

Then, I hit a bump in the road. I’m careful not to post too much about the visa process as it not only involves me and it’s not solely my story to tell. I’ll just say that the bump caused me to come to a screeching halt. Screeching as in feet in the ground AND screeching out of my mouth, screeching the unholiest of vocabulary. What. Happened. Excuse me, God, we were on the “downhill slide” so I thought.

I was back on the roller coaster again. I hadn’t asked to go on another ride but I found myself soaring through ups and downs and blasting through a range of emotions. “I got this. No biggie. I trust” quickly changed to “Oh #$% it’s not in me. I can’t. I’m exhausted.”  Luckily, some amazing support people started to move and intercede on my behalf. I couldn’t do it. But God could. They could. Slowly and surely, I was back up, broken but beginning to heal from disappointment, confusion, anger, fear, and the list goes on. I realized that I had to take a dose of my own medicine--heed my own advice. I looked back at the events that led me to today. We’ve literally witnessed miracles through this visa journey. We have favor. We have been spoiled by God’s goodness. This “obstacle” is another part of our story that must happen. It’s another “let this cup pass” moment, but I know it can’t. There’s more to our story, and I know another miracle must be around the corner. I’ve asked for it, and I’m expecting it.

Along with the gift of hindsight, I’ve been able to keep trudging through the thick of waiting because of a few recurring dreams I had. When I had them (4 total), I knew they were important and I knew they were for a future time. They all had different “settings” but the events were the same. In each one, I was at an intersection and a dark road lay before me. All of the other roads were light except the one that took me “home” or to my destination. I had to walk through darkness, unable to see obstacles and unrecognizable images who sought to distract me or persuade me from continuing to my destination. I could not see how far the road stretched. In none of the dreams had I ever reached my destination. In two, I woke myself up screaming, too fearful of what grabbed at me in the darkness. In one of the dreams (3rd), a presence stood next to me as I wearily faced yet another dark road. I was exhausted. I had enough energy to muster “Not again. Not another one.”  I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other to even face the daunting challenge. The “faceless” presence told me that He would give me a glimpse of what was at the end of the road but I could not see any of the road itself. I remember seeing myself and being astonished as I watched a playful version of me in a vast ocean. I had never seen myself so happy. I was laughing like a child and overcome with joy. When I got to this past disappointment, familiarity rose from the disbelief. I’ve been here before. I can’t and won’t see the road but I know I have to keep facing forward and walk at the pace with which I am able minute by minute. I know that this path will be somewhat forgotten when I reach my destination, and I know that acknowledging and feeling it right now are crucial to my/our story. I know there’s a joy that I’ve never known and a happiness that will be new that I will experience at the perfect time. 

As usual, this brings me back to Habakkuk 2:3, a verse that I recite to myself on a daily basis.

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;

    it speaks of the end

    and will not prove false.

Though it linger, wait for it;

    it will certainly come

    and will not delay.

Are you waiting for something?

Regarding the future, I bank on Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” When I need something tangible, I look in my rearview mirror.

Ever so grateful for my support "people"! You know who you are.

Danielle

Another year goes by.....

My birthday was a few weeks ago. [I need not disclose the number.] I had an amazing time thanks to many friends and family. This was an extra special birthday as I’ve seen friends in a new light as they’ve stepped forward to become a special community that has made a “village” for adoption. I’ve wholly become more appreciate of my family away from home. Just the thoughts and admiration of them make me burst with happiness and a smile pops on that hurts my face more than Miss Universe’s must.

Although I got many wonderful and personal gifts (all unnecessary but greatly appreciated), one was given that just took my breath away and made my heart completely blow up. It is a handmade gift from a friend. Because the weight of paying off debts AND saving for adoption is hard to bear (especially when the numbers are large, or equal, in my case), she made a visual (I LOOOOOVE visuals) that would help me track progress toward saving. The left column is in $25 increments. Each time you get $25, you fill in that block. When you reach $250, then you cover another $250 increment on the chart on the right with a jewel. The end goal is $25,000. She gave it to me with $1000 covered as that is about what is in “Shorty’s” account now. She also donated $25 and blocked in the first increment. Awesome right? This reminds me of how far I’ve come and how far I have to go. When filled, it will be dazzling in Shorty’s room, right!??! THANK YOU, AMANDA!!

What is in Shorty’s account right now?  $1308.58

I also have a garage that is constantly overflowing with recycling to take in and more to collect from friends!

I haven’t blogged in a while and have been processing a lot of comments that I’ve heard--some of which are annoying, unbelievably good, and buckled-over laugh inducing.

The annoying? 

At a child’s birthday party, I met a couple with a baby. As they were chatting with another couple, I heard the woman saying, “We moved from XX to XX to be closer to my mother. You just can’t have a baby without your family that close.” [Insert here the sound of steam coming from the teapot mixed with brakes squealing] Now, it doesn’t matter the cities marked by XX but know that it is less than 50 miles to be safe (more like 30). I felt the stab and immediate doubt creep in. Could I do it as a single (if I’m single then)? My family is on the other side of the US. 

Luckily, quickly, I heard the soft internal whisper of “You aren’t her. You are strong. You can do it. I will help you do it.” Of course, the devil in me wanted to yell “Weakling, I bet you don’t take the trash out by yourself.” Yikes, I feel better. It’s hard not to compare—one single income hard-working gal vs. two income very successful parents with family close-by and then one healing child who has encountered more than many adults vs. one clean slate healthy baby. I had to go back and re-read a former blog post of mine.  

I have to remind myself who to listen to as well. I’ve noticed that several of the gals who tell me, “OH MY GOD, having a baby/kid is so expensive!” are the ones who “over-do it” (IMHO) in many cases. Also, many of them are ones with a great double income. I’ve found that my friends who have a meager income and make sacrifices for the children to have cute stuff but keep it real and not “overboard” all say “It’s a budgeting difference—you just change your spending and it isn’t that bad.” What an interesting contrast….that’s a whole ‘nother blog in itself!

The unbelievable?

Well, there is a child at work that I would loooooooooooooooove to have but there are some complicating factors and timing isn’t feeling right. Even though that is its “own” situation, the fact that I have a village is an understatement.  When I even entertained the idea of looking into possibilities of fostering-to-adopt, so many from my village rose up which overwhelmed with me and made me feel at ease for the support I’ll have when the right time comes.  I heard the following (just a few of the many):

“We all think that you can do this. You are the only one that doesn’t know it.”

“I’ll go to social services classes with you to finish your prerequisite obligations so you don’t have to go alone.”

“I can help find clothes. My neighbor has a child the same age”

“We all have things we can give you. Don’t worry about the initial cost.”

I think this helped me to file away the other experience I had. I never said or imagined it to be easy. In fact, I know it will be harder than I can fathom at this point. BUT, I know this has always been in my heart and I know that I’ll make the sacrifices necessary to make sure it happens and that I do it well.

The laugh inducing?

The other question that comes up and recently even flew out of the mouth of a man: [drumroll]

Don’t you think that if you adopt as a single, you will have trouble meeting a man?

Okay first off, “trouble meeting  a man” makes me chuckle. I have not met a good one in QUITE a while for dating purposes. I’m staying optimistic and believing they are/he is out there on a parallel path to mine for now. One day our paths will cross, but OC is not the prime area for networking and meeting possible suitors.

The question makes me chuckle too because I’ve stupidly made decisions in the past to NOT do things I’ve felt I should because they may put me in an inopportune place or time to meet a man. Tsk, tsk, tsk.Hindsight is always 20/20 though, right?

As much as I’ve thought about it in the past, I do not think about it with adoption. I think because I know that God placed this in my heart (long ago) with the desire to start working toward it at this time. I’m not sure when the process will tangibly begin, but I know it will. I’ve been entrusted with this dream so I’m choosing to step out in faith toward a goal. I don’t know all the answers to when, where, and how. I don’t know if someone will come along in the process or after, but I do know that someone will come along.

I know that someone will come along who shares a heart for the orphaned or hurting children and if caring for them means providing them a home, then he will be on board.  

I know that someone will come along who will appreciate my commitment to my faith and pursuit of a God-placed and God-sized dream, and he will be smitten.

So when I think about the men I’ll miss out on because of my choice (to adopt or to have adopted already), I am thankful that I can so easily scratch them off the list from the get-go. There will be no question and no compromise on the act of adoption itself. I will not be able to walk into that trap that so many fall into “With time and lots of love (or cooking), he may change his mind about [insert personal dream here]." I won’t wait 9 months in to the relationship to figure out they don’t actually want to adopt after all. I won’t make excuses for someone else or put my calling and dream aside when I feel distance from him because may be totally on board.  I do not need the kind of man who will shy away from my life, my accomplishments and service, my faith, and my choices. 

So, THANK YOU for your kind words, well wishes, beer bottles, trash, and offers of assistance. None of it went unnoticed, even if I had a flat affect that did not convey my internal clapping and squeals or tears of happiness.