What a ONE-derful year! How you can celebrate Eden's birthday with us!

I can't believe our baby is almost ONE YEAR! old! March is around the corner and we are in full party-planning mode! This year flew by. Eden has truly lived up to her Xhosa name, Yolisa, which means "to bring joy." She has brought joy to us no matter the circumstances. She is happy all the time, even when sick. She has the sweetest smile and eyes that seem to reflect an "old soul." We have loved hearing stories of people seeing her pictures on social media and having their spirits lifted by her.


We are going to have a braai to celebrate the one year mark and her South African heritage.


We feel so fortunate to be in a position to provide all the things she needs and everything we think that she "wants" at this time. We have also been blessed with her joyful spirit and good health. We prayed for health during this pregnancy - and continue to do so as things can change in an instant.


Some of my favorite (and hardest) nights of motherhood have been in the wee hours of the night during feedings or sickness. Luba and I have been up together during her bouts with the stomach virus or fevers. We have laid on the floor with her so that we didn't wake her after she struggled to fall asleep. We have tag-teamed holding some sort of "puke catcher" while one attempted to give her liquids praying that "this time they stay down." Luba has changed her pajamas or clothes while I cleaned up the mess. We just had an exhausting week with her having a double ear infection and then getting a stomach virus a few days later. I was out of work 3 days and neither of us slept for a week. Even when Eden slept, I was listening for any sounds of sickness so I was unable to sleep when I had the opportunity. All the while I felt so exhausted and in some instances overwhelmed, my mind always drifted to parents who do this day in and day out. While we knew the fever would pass or the antibiotic would work within a short time, we have been reminded that many parents have no promise of that and/or they have no "fix." I've been humbled knowing my feelings (tiredness, worry, discomfort, stress) could not even compare to others' reality.


One sweet face always comes to mind. When I was in junior high, my friend's little brother was diagnosed with leukemia. This was before the internet brought faces and knowledge to us at early ages. It was our first experience with childhood illness. Our innocence was robbed with one diagnosis. Natasha's little brother, Bo, lost his battle with leukemia at the young age of 7. For a small rural Mississippi town steeped in religion, it was so hard for us to make sense of his death and thus began a spiritual dialogue for some of us that would extend years beyond the funeral. Childhood cancers and illness are so unfair. No child "deserves" it and it really feels like a lottery draw. This family is wonderful. They are strong Christians and just "good people" as we say in the South. They should have been able to see Bo grow up, watch him play football on Friday nights, and see him make his life. He should have known his nieces and nephew. I'll never forget the image I have in my mind of his sweet smiling face. I'll also never forget the image of I have of his casket at the funeral. No casket should be child sized. It was my first and last funeral to attend.

Bo & Natasha

Luba and I talked about how blessed we feel as we prepared for Eden's birthday and decided that we would rather guests' and friends' resources go to helping other families. We decided upon two organizations to which we would appreciate donations be given. We chose local organizations whose impact extends beyond our community. They also in some way have some personal relevance for us.


1. St. Louis Children's Hospital
We received such excellent care here. We had to take Eden for a routine ultrasound once. As I sat in the waiting area in the imaging department, I was surrounded by children who come here regularly to be scanned. I also saw the many patients who were admitted and obviously fighting cancer being wheeled in by staff. Again, my mind drifted to Bo and to some of the kids whose journeys I was following online. We also had to bring her to the ER here to rule out dehydration after a long fever. The staff are truly amazing and have a tangible love for children. Their dedication is palpable.


2. Ronald McDonald House
The Ronald McDonald House provides housing for families whose children are in nearby hospitals for treatment. Ronald McDonald House was a blessing for Bo's family years ago as he was far away from home for treatment. Since that time, I've had other friends stay at a Ronald McDonald House.


Luba and I believe in the ripple effect. It only takes a small gesture to extend far beyond our vision.


Here's how we would love for you to be part of Eden's birthday:

1. Donate to either (or both!) of these organizations. Please make donation in memory of Bo Cochran. You can click on the name of the organization and it will take you to a link to donate.
2. Share this post and create a ripple effect.
3. If you are a mama or Daddy, drop everything and hug your babies (even if your baby is 18). Go do that activity or eat at that restaurant you've been talking about for days/weeks/months/years. (Aunts/uncles/cousins/grandmas/grandpas/etc. you can do the same!) 

We look forward to sharing this birthday with you and posting pictures of the celebration!


Love,
Danielle (& Luba)

Two little words to avoid with new moms

Being pregnant was such a fun and exciting time. I so appreciated all the kind words and gestures I experienced. There was one phrase, however, that I hope I never or rarely use when chatting with future and new moms.

It's only 2 small words. It's two small words that can belittle one's experience. It can make someone feel as if their experience could not possibly hold up to someone else's. Seeds of comparisons are planted.

"Just wait."

You've heard it. You've used it. I think it's used with good intentions. But, what if we exchanged silence for "just wait." What if we, instead, just empathized. We can start with "I remember those days" or "It's a learning curve for sure" or "I know it's frustrating/emotional/logistically challenging." Seasoned mamas, you've been there. Remember how new and hard it was?

It begins before the baby even makes his or her entrance. If a pregnant woman is sleepy and was up most of the night, you know what comes next - Just wait until you are up every few hours feeding a baby. Just wait until the baby gets here. Then, it's usually followed by other unsolicited advice. 

And why does it always come with that guffaw or chuckle?

When struggling to wrangle up a tiny weightless newborn in a car seat, I don't need to hear "just wait until the baby is 25 pounds and you have to carry that thing!" I know my baby will grow. I know that if it is hard now, then it will get harder. I only have today's experience though, and I don't need to borrow from tomorrow. Going to the grocery store with one child is hard; no one needs a "Just wait until you have 2 kids/3 kids/4 kids!!" Things will get harder but they may also get easier. I'll become less rattled, less over-cautious, stronger, etc.

Really, we need to stop with the "just wait" comments. I never heard any that ended with "it only gets better" or "you will love each day even more." It was always something negative.

I honestly preferred seeing childless friends during pregnancy and after because of comments like "just wait" that were inevitable. It comes from strangers too.

I get it. I'm only 5.5 months into motherhood and when I hear my new mom friends make comments, my mind goes to those thoughts sometimes. I keep them to myself because we are different, and my thoughts are a result of my experiences. We handle our experiences based on our unique capacities and resources. Overall, what's the point of saying something to her that she may or may not experience?

Seasoned moms are so valuable. There's always someone in your shadows who will glean from that wisdom and experience. I think reframing the mindset behind the phrase bearing good intent is imperative when reaching out and extending a hand. Motherhood is different and difficult at all ages and phases, no? 

After only going this far into motherhood - in the very shallow ends, I know I want to be more positive with other mothers. I want to remember what a huge and emotional transition it was. I want to remember how all those decisions made in the post-partum suite felt like they had life long implications even when they didn't matter 5 minutes later. I want to remember how wonderful and hard maternity leave was. I want to make "the first day back to work" special. I want to be present and listen instead of think ahead of the present and overshadow someone's experience with my own. I know mistakes are inevitable, but I'm doing my best to avoid saying "just wait." 

Find that new mom today or "the mom behind you" and offer time, a meal, a listening ear or some time alone. 

Love,
Danielle

Greetings from Paarl, South Africa!

Hi there! I have not had strong internet connections with my computer so I've had to wait until a coffee shop visit to update.

We made it! We had great travel (as great as you can have seated for 15 hours contained in a small space). We flew out of St. Louis Tuesday night and arrived in NY around midnight. We got up Wednesday and headed out of JFK (New York) straight to Johannesburg then caught a domestic flight to Cape Town. We arrived Thursday around noon and headed to Paarl after "hiring" (renting) a car. After a few stalls, bumpy starts, and once driving on the "American" side of the road, Luba was back in action with the standard car.

my favorite South African drinks: pinotage and Ceres juice

sunrise somewhere over Africa

It is Autumn (Fall) here and it is gorgeous. The vineyards are all colors of orange, red and brown and are so beautiful set against the Dutch style white farmhouses. this is my first time to be here in this season. I'm constantly in awe as we drive down the road, especially now that I'm less on call to ensure we are on the correct side of the street.

Thursday, we checked in to our amazing guest house. It is a historic barn loft and it is huge. I fell in love with it when I saw the pictures on airbnb and then was even more impressed when we checked in.

After checking in, we headed over to say hello to his family. Since we were going to be early, we stopped by Cafe Juno for a glass of wine. We met at Spur for dinner.

Friday, we got up and grabbed breakfast. 

here when you order a muffin, you also get jam and cheese

After breakfast, we went to Cape Town with Luba's mom and sister to look for a dress for me and his mom to wear to Saturday's event. I was able to find a dress that fit at one of the stalls by the train station. You "fit it" (try it on) right on the spot. They pulled one door closed or a curtain and pulled other things in the way to provide as much privacy as possible. We lunched at Nando's and then headed back to Luba's parent's house.

Saturday, we had the "big event." Well, it was big for me as the "makoti" (bride). We have not been back here since our wedding and his family was not able to come to our wedding so this day was our introduction as a married couple. We had a lovely buffet lunch with close friends and family at a restaurant nearby and it had a wedding reception feel as people spoke about us. I was introduced that day with my given Xhosa name, Zukisa (meaning: to glorify God, name chosen by his sister). If you ever hear Luba call me Zukie, you'll know where it came from....

 These gals came out when we arrived to help tie the scarf on my head

After this reception, we went back to his parent's house for "tea." Several of the neighbors (women) were there and I was once again introduced. This was the more stressful part for me as there was more cultural expectation. In this "tea," the makoti serves tea for the parents and friends as well as cooks food for everyone and serves it. I was lucky - I got to have this experience but I got by with a little (LOT) of help from his sister and women in the community. They actually cooked all day so it was ready when we arrived. Luba's aunt helped me dish and serve the food, and I got coaching from her, his sister, and another woman throughout. Now, mind you, Xhosa is being spoken all of this time so occasionally I just had to ask "What is happening right now?" to keep myself straight and solicit some extra cues. It was a truly lovely day, and I'm happy that his family provided this experience.

 Luba's aunt

Look who else helped today! So good to see these familiar faces!

Sunday, we went to church with his family to his father's church in Mbekweni, which is the church I always attend when here. 

After church, we had a nice relaxing lunch (& wine tasting) afterward and napped. We meet back up with his family at a restaurant nearby for dinner. We ate at the old La Romantica, now Bella Bellota. My dinner was not so South African.....

On a personal note, it has been so great to be here with Luba as his wife. Everywhere holds so many memories for me individually and for us together. It's a great place for us to step back away from America and the stress and reconnect to us and what we find important.

More posts & pictures to come....

Danielle