Enveloped by my people - thankful

I last posted that I was going through a medical journey. It continues. I’m still not ready to post specifics online, but many of you know the situation and are part of my “army.” Thank you.

I’m learning a lot along the way—a lot of things that I don’t want to learn and a ton of things about myself and my inner workings. Each morning I wake up and hope that I’ve been dreaming. Each morning I’m disappointed. The realities are renewed every morning and it's painful. Luckily, God’s mercies are too. Wiped clean are remnants of the faith-shaking questions that all begin with “Why…” and the consequences of my human reactions. I always find myself thinking that this situation is best fitted for a pedophile, human trafficker, [insert here any crime that makes you wanna vomit] etc. My wedding is a short time away and I long to be one of those giggly bride-to-be’s who is attending to last minute details and semi-starving themselves to fit in a dress. I long to explore the area and serve/host with Luba but we started this journey as soon as he arrived. After all the waiting for his arrival and the paperwork, celebrations have been interrupted with “this.” 

Each time the “Why” has seeped in over the last few months, I always feel this from God and I have consistently time and time again, “Because I will shine brightest in you.”

I’m exhausted. The steps it takes to self advocate with insurance are daunting on top of working 40-50 hours per week, adjusting to Luba’s and my life together, finishing fieldwork, doing “life,” and planning a wedding. I’m terrible with the unknown. I’m a do-er. I research. I make lists. I network. I connect. It’s so hard for me to wait. To listen. To primarily have prayer as my weapon and comfort. To leave my care in the hands of others.

I’m so appreciative of my people. I’ve had consults with physicians at no charge, thanks to friends’ referrals & connections. I’ve had a network that has stepped up and made recommendations. I’ve felt the Heavens move with prayers of so many, with many praying in unison across the country. It’s palpable. Blessed is an understatement.

There are truths that I repeat to myself every day over and over and over again. A few that have been specifically shared by others via text and letter are:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Psalm 91:

You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
    spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow, Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
    I trust in you and I’m safe!” That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
    shields you from deadly hazards. His huge outstretched arms protect you—
    under them you’re perfectly safe;
    his arms fend off all harm. Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
    not flying arrows in the day, Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
    not disaster that erupts at high noon. Even though others succumb all around,
    drop like flies right and left,
    no harm will even graze you. You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
    watch the wicked turn into corpses. Yes, because God’s your refuge,
    the High God your very own home, Evil can’t get close to you,
    harm can’t get through the door. He ordered his angels
    to guard you wherever you go. If you stumble, they’ll catch you;
    their job is to keep you from falling. You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
    and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
    “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best of care
    if you’ll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
    I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party. I’ll give you a long life,
    give you a long drink of salvation!”

One of my last posts is still very much relevant and the lyrics posted below are like balm to my soul (“Oceans” by Hillsong, google it so you can hear the beauty of the lyrics).  At any moment, a small pull of the string may leave me completely unraveled. I’m still doing my best, while exhausted and confused, to keep my eyes fixed. I’m basking in the love and support of others. I’m finding my “freedom” in allowance. 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

This will be okay. 

I will be okay, and His light will be even brighter after the journey.

Thank you a million times over for being part of the journey. Thank you for your part in the support whether it be prayer, emotional, referrals, cheerleader, reminding me of truths, etc. 

A huge thank you goes out to Luba for so much but a few are: making calls to offices with little information, cooking, listening, and just smiling through my spectrum emotions and misguided anger. The love & laughter have been my platform on which to stand.  

Love,

Danielle

Happy Birthday Month, Letetia!

It’s July which happens to be the birthday of one of my MOST favorite people: my SISTER!

Letetia has been one of the most influential people in my life. Watching her navigate through disappointments and celebrate successes has been inspiring and has created a standard of measurement for me in my own life. Speaking of my recent link about a single story about Mississippi (click HERE to catch up), I am forever grateful that my sister did not live within any mold or expectation. She was her own person and lived within the lines of what worked best for her. Walking in her shadows as a child and then a young woman provided a refuge and gave me the strength to step out and walk on my own.  

When I was young, of course, I wanted to do everything that she did. I wore what she wore. I used her “lingo.” Her fave songs played on my radio on repeat, in private. I incorporated all the things I loved about her into my repertoire.  She was so progressive so I was always ahead of the game. It only backfired once, when I bought my pair of duck shoes to align myself with the college trend when I was in high school (she was in college a town away). Little did I know how long it would take that trend to make its way that 25 miles to my little high school….I could still hear the “other kids’” laughter as they “got on board with the trend”  a year later. Pfffft, “so last year, y’all.”

I’m most  appreciative of her ability to maintain a relationship of respect and grace allowing me to maintain my dignity while I was in my lost “darker” days. Her quiet but simple initiations of questions and conversation spoke loudly and encouraged me to look at my decisions and lifestyle. It spoke as loudly as if it had been more direct, but allowed me room to make mistakes and encouragement to get up and try again.

Some of my favorite days of my adulthood were spent in Los Angeles, simply because she lived less than a mile from my apartment. It was easy to take for granted the walking distance and ease of visits.  I so miss those days and really hope that one day we will live in the same city again. If you live by your sister, go have dinner with her. Hug her. Laugh, maybe until you pee in your pants.  Have an extra glass of wine or champagne. 

For those of you who know Letetia, you know she is forever young, intelligent (that’s Dr. Sister, to you), stylish, bold, strong, courageous, FUN, talented, and can sport any hair color you could imagine beautifully. 

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH Seester Beester! I hope this is your best year yet!

This month, I’m reminded even more of how grateful I am for you and this month I celebrate you!

Love, 

Danielle

Enjoy some flashbacks:

 redheads at the same time

 my first trip to CA

 I loved hiking in LA on the weekends

 Hollywood

 So what if we look more like lesbian lovers than sisters?!?!

 celebrating Mom's birthday

 We are sooooooo Vietnamese

 M.A. graduation