A plea for grace, to Christians (and all)

Fear has been on my mind a lot. In the past, I have been a person filled with fear and anxiety and it’s a daily battle to fill myself with good thoughts and scripture in order to navigate my day and near AND far future planning. I have the capability to worry enough for all of us put together.

As I watch the news and read newsfeeds on social media, I’m realizing that fear must be interwoven in a lot of what we think about and do. I prefer to assume fear over apathy or indifference. I keep asking myself: As Christians, what are we afraid of?

All through this, I say WE. None of us are perfect, and we have prejudices that we struggle to work through on a daily basis I think. When these things come to mind, I know they are for ME and I share them for YOU who may be pondering the same things or just need another perspective to add to your learning process.

We are stressed. We are struggling to make sense of what we see on TV. I struggle most figuring out how this relates to my faith. But, how much do I need to waste time on this? We know how this story ends. We have a guide book. We’ve been given the gift of grace – for ourselves and others. We aren’t responsible for another’s salvation, that’s God’s job. We aren’t responsible for making all the big decisions right now, or the ramifications of making the wrong ones. Don’t we believe God is infinite, bigger? Don’t WE know this is no surprise to Him? If we do, then why are we so worried? We choose fear over love. We choose not to love and support others in the margins because we don’t understand, we impose our rules and regulations, our bible verses – what do we fear by listening? If we remember that ALL our God’s children and He “has ALL this” under control, then why don’t we listen? Why do we quickly post a verse that supports our “anti-whatever the issue of the moment is?” Jesus was really simple and he often shocked the religious groups with his simplicity and grace that summed up his ability to love – love your neighbor as yourself. Remember, your neighbor is not necessarily the ones you like, or choose, or look like, or agree with.

We don’t have to change our religions. We don’t have to give up our rights. I think I’ve heard people say “love’s the only house big enough for us all.” But are our rooms reserved?

We’ll get some extra immigrants of Muslim faith? So what? We have radicals of all religions. We can’t forget the damage that we WASPS have done in this country and the damage we have done in other countries too. I can love and I can help and show God’s love and the way of Jesus. Judgement? Not my job. I would ask those who have a lot to say or condemn the Muslims, have you met any? Do you KNOW any? All the ones I know are just the same as me in terms of thoughts, feelings, anti-radicalism, love – the only difference is when I turn right to go to my church on Sunday, she may turn left and go to the mosque. Sure, there are differences in the religion overall – BUT there are a lot of similarities in overall themes. Noone is asking you to convert, and I would venture to say you probably wouldn’t even get that invitation unsolicited (like we often do as Christians). You don’t have to agree with their religious rules and regulations. But, I do dare to say you have to be kind. I believe in kindness without condemnation. I think we all strive for a better humankind.

Gay couples can now marry. So what? Whether I agree or not, it doesn’t matter. If it’s wrong, then that is God’s job to judge. Mine is to love, regardless. We can love without agreeing. I cannot let my faith and my choices hinder another’s. With so many unknowns in this world, I can’t take that responsibility on myself to limit another’s freedoms. Years ago, my marriage was illegal. If I don’t “agree” with something or some issue which there are several for me, I don’t have to engage or participate in that “action” or whatever. Don’t worry, people will know how you feel and there’s a way to respectfully discuss feelings and convictions. We can control what we do in our homes, our family’s thoughts and feelings and actions, but we can’t always speak for the nation as a whole.

We just don’t have the foresight. We don’t know all the steps toward the end, but we do know the end right? We’ve had a spoiler alert in the bible. I know I’m so busy “chasing my lil red wagon that is constantly rolling down the hill” that I cannot monitor someone else’s and still keep my life in order.

I hear Christians post everywhere: “It’s the end times.” I’ve heard this for years after big events, especially political ones in the Middle East. SO WHAT IF IT IS? Let’s go home! Aren’t we living daily as if it is the end times? I want to love right down to my death. I don’t have time to waste living in fear.

I saw Rachel Held Evans speak this past weekend and one thing she talked about really hit home with how I’m feeling with this topic. What if the church dies? It will be rebirthed – we KNOW resurrection. She said “empires worry about death. Resurrectionists don’t. God makes all things new.” Maybe some of our religion has become an empire. We want power – megachurches, say so in other’s rights because they need to align with our scriptures, etc. Maybe Christianity should die to the old way and be made new – maybe it will be a kingdom that belongs to all.

When we feel threatened, I believe strongly that Jesus wants us to react with love, not fear. Fear causes us to use racial slurs, religious slurs, and just expose what we are struggling with inside. I’ve seen this too much lately and I just feel undone. I saw a picture on FaceBook that said “All I need to know about Islam I learned on 911.” Now, this was shared on a Christian’s page – same page that is usually decorated with bible verses. I was so confused. Really, we didn’t learn anything about true Islam on 911. Yes, there were some @#$%*&#s that forever changed our country on that day. They were radical. We have radical Christians who murder in the name of Jesus. I’m glad I’m not judged by that minority. Can we extend the same grace for other religions? Because really, we are talking about things that we don’t know much of the time. Our life and ministry on Earth is short – let’s not let media or ignorant notions influence how we love people.

I also have seen other pictures like the one that has a cat in a Chinese take-out bag that says “When your Chinese food is undercooked.” Again, a Christian page usually filled with bible verses. This one stung. This was unkind and really not funny to me. A portion of my family is Asian. A similar slur was stated this week regarding North Koreans by Mike Huckabee and 7000+ liked it. Seriously?

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this whole idea. I’d rather die loving than arguing my faith or breaking down another culture. If we are created in his image as it explicitly states in the bible, do we get to determine which ones of us are created in his image? We know that nonverbal language speaks more loudly than verbal, it’s a small % of communication. By living it out as an example, it speaks far more than posting statements or pictures that close the conversation or choosing not to love because of a difference in practice/faith/opinions/religion/etc.

Grace. I love that concept. It’s easy (for many of us) to receive it but giving it is a whole different ballgame, isn’t it? Another thing that Rachel Held Evans said that really struck me was that we can be reckless with grace because “it got out of hand when Jesus died on the cross and before he died he asked God to forgive his captors.” I think we need to remember those words and that image when we want to hold back, when we don’t think another or “group” deserves it. We didn’t deserve it. It was a gift.

I write this not as a shaming post but as a plea. I’m truly heartbroken. Slurs are hurtful to me, who has friends of many cultures and religions. I love my faith and Jesus. Seeing these posts have just deeply saddened me. We can do this, y’all. We can do it better. We can disagree with grace. We have to think more before we click post, share, upload.  The world is watching us – what will they say about Christians and our ability to love? This is our time. fearlessly, stand up and choose love over fear – we know how the story ends!

Let’s live and LOVE like we know and believe the rest the story!

Love,

Danielle

My fear for young Black boys

As many of you know, I have plans to adopt at some point. My first feeling is that it will be an African American boy, and from foster care. The reasons are a whole ‘nother blog post. Once that became clear to me, other realities did also. It’s in the forefront as we face our racial struggle in America with young black males and the relationship to law enforcement and the alarmingly high percentage of young black males in prison.

This post is not a thesis or academic piece so I’m not going to reference everywhere or make this formal. This post is simply to express some very real concerns I have regarding young black boys today and particularly the impact of autism and social language disorders. Firstly, I’m fearful for our boys. Before you click away because you’ve heard this on the news and disagree, hear me out. I work in the trenches. I’m not influenced by media – I think it’s biased and works to create a direr and more skewed side in cases. I also know there are cases they do not share that would be educational in topics. I grew up voting Republican. I grew up with many prejudices against young black men. See, hear me out. I have something to say. I’m coming from the little that I know – but my personal experience and what I see. As Dr. Leah Gunning Francis so beautifully and simply stated, “our eyes cannot unsee what they have seen.”

I do both speech and language (SLP) and behavior therapies (BCBA). I work with all races and ages who have language, social and behavioral impairments secondary to syndromes, autism, delay with no etiology, you name it. I’ve worked privately, in non-profit and in school districts. Daily, I address behaviors which are aggressive in nature, much of which is due to a lack of communication or deficits in social language processing. Who do I worry about most right now? Young boys with autism and other pragmatic (social language) disorders. Particularly, I worry about OUR young black boys.

As I looked into the creamy brown eyes of one of my clients, I feared for him. This delicious, full-of-life, sweet, hug-you-til-you-drop boy with brown skin who has a significant impairment will someday be out in the world. When he begins to drive and gets pulled over for something, will he understand what the officer asks of him? Will the language be simple enough? Will the officer repeat his question louder or will he rephrase assuming a lack of comprehension? If my client is faced with a gun, will he run like he does when he’s afraid or doesn’t understand how to navigate a situation? Will the officer shoot, assuming evading the situation due to guilt?  

Will my client be “out-talked” or misled to admission of guilt? When many of my clients can’t understand the language or the higher level of processing it requires, they default to agreeing with me. They take my perspective and use my words. It’s easier. They just don’t always have the resources to allocate to navigate the question, especially when in distress, or they yell “no” over and over and over again just to get the questions to stop. They can no longer listen – they need it to simply stop. Language can be overwhelming. When the language doesn’t stop When we don’t stop talking/interrogating/questioning, they can lash out. For some, a physical reaction is the only way that has been successful for them in conveying thoughts and feelings. We haven’t respected their words. Further impairments result in their brains not sending out that signal that we often get that says “not such a good idea right now!” in response to whatever action we are thinking about.  I wonder in times like this: Can we just take a break and come back later?

With autism, many individuals have difficulty processing language. If an officer asks something as simple as “Can I see your license and registration?” will that individual truthfully and wholeheartedly say no? NOT because they wouldn’t grant permission but because they think literally. No, the officer cannot “see” the license because it is housed in his wallet or glovebox or somewhere else, out of sight. This individual would take it out if he had been told, “give me your driver’s license.” Or what happens if he processes this and reaches over to the glovebox to take it out?? Does he lack theory of mind which tells him that the officer’s brain is going to give him the perspective of “reaching for a gun?”

With a growing number of individuals diagnosed with autism, we have to be prepared for this. I know several police departments have welcomed specialized training in autism – recognizing it, responding to it, and keeping those individuals safe. Thank you to those departments and officers who reach out and respond to such trainings. It’s a learning process for all of us.

We know the percentage of language disorders among prison populations is much higher than the general population. We know many don’t have the eloquent language to finesse their ways through interviews, the “vague” language to use in order to avoid being misled. What if we taught them their Miranda rights in plain simple English? I promise you that many have no idea what they are being read. It’s spoken too fast for comprehension and for processing for immediate and future repercussions. Is it also provided in writing for those with auditory verbal processing disorders? I believe in consequences (the right one) and getting “the bad guy” but I also believe in suspects understanding so that we CAN get the “right guy.”

I also feel strongly about officers. I’ve grown up respecting law enforcement and will continue to do so. I know of so many personal and safety sacrifices they make in order to keep us safe and to do what is right. I also know that MOST are making up for lost time and reputation due to a minority of “bad cops.” Those poor representatives of what law enforcement is and should be are strewn all over our TV screens leading us to believe that they speak for the majority. We know it, officers. A few bad ones cannot overshadow the majority of good.

We have a lot of intelligent “bad guys” in prison, I get that too. I’m only particularly worried about those with language disorders and pervasive delays such as autism. This can also apply to our immigrants with limited English skills and lack of cultural fluency in this country. It’s personal to me in so many ways.

Look at this sweet face who is now a (semi) young Black male

freshly immersed in American culture 

Luba made it more personal & more tangible to me

I guess I keep thinking of how can we all work together? Parents, therapists, mental health professionals, law enforcement, teachers, and the list goes on…..how can we make the world safe for officers and youth? Perhaps as Dr. Leah Gunning Francis also pointed out, we should bring in the parents. No panel on TV has a mom as part of the discussion. I can’t believe I never noticed this as I’ve watched mostly MEN who are political and highly educated argue over the cases at hand. Moms of black boys, come to the table. We need you.

This is just the tip of the iceberg but I hope the next time you watch a police shooting clip, you don’t immediately think “he shouldn’t have resisted arrest” or say “well, he ran.” I know some of you think them, I have in the past. I had “until me eyes could not unsee what they have seen.” If we can all think and process more holistically, can we find more ways to refine the process? Can we not respond in an exasperated manner because these “thugs” we see on TV were once young black boys who smile, dance, hug you til you drop, giggle, and hope? I would venture to say that they never set out to disappoint, to be imprisoned, to be failed in our public schools and special education system.

The first step, I believe, is to listen. I didn't believe a lot of this actually happened (HOW? I still ask) until I saw it and until Luba came. I'm hopeful. Together, we can. 

Love,

Danielle

Latest happenings!

Hello!

We've been busy here! This is a light blog post to document some of our happenings thus far as this year starts to wind down. We are now on the downhill slide to 2016. Holidays, here we come!

I started a book club in June. It has been great! I've met so many women here who have challenged my perspectives. I made a goal to read 40 books this year - overzealous, and I'm behind but who is counting?! Here's what I've read so far:

All the Light We Cannot See (Anthony Doerr)

Americanah (Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie)

At the Water’s Edge (Sara Gruen)

Big Little Lies (Lianne Moriarty)

For the Love (Jen Hatmaker)

Go Set a Watchman (Harper Lee)

Incendiary (Chris Cleave)

The Girl on the Train (Paula Hawkins)

The Girl You Left Behind (Jojo Moyes)

The Lotus Eaters (Tatjana Soli)

The Martian (Andy Weir)

The Sandcastle Girls (Chris Bohljalian)

The Secret Keeper (Kate Morton)

Unstoppable (Christine Caine)

What Alice Forgot (Lianne Moriarty)

What She Left Behind (Ellen Marie Wiseman)

If it's bold, then it was a favorite. I also add books I enjoyed to the book recommendations page here. 

We've made a couple road trips since our cross country trip. You can read about our weekender to Louisville here. This past weekend, we did a turn-around trip to Mississippi to visit family. We drove almost 10 hours Friday night, stayed overnight in Laurel and finished the last ~1.5 hours the next morning and then drove the full 10 hours Sunday late afternoon. It was a short trip with lots of time with sore and numb butts, but this is why we moved here - to be able to see family when needed. I also checked another state off my list - Arkansas. Before 2015, I had visited 9 states only IN MY WHOLE LIFE. So far this year alone, we have together traveled to:

Alabama

Arizona

Arkansas

California

Illinois

Indiana

Kentucky

Mississippi

Missouri

New Mexico

Oklahoma

Tennessee

Texas

We decided on a church and are now settling in to The Gathering and getting plugged in. Luba joined a men's group and I started in a women's group. It's at 6am on a Monday- that attendance needs a special anointing and weekly prayer!

Fall is finally teasing us! We had such beautiful cool weather this last year. I'm diving in with the pumpkin things and we took my niece and nephew apple picking to kick off the season!

I started a side business! I want to be able to see a few kiddos on the side for speech and language therapy so that I keep my hand in it. You can visit the site at www.synergytherapy.net. I'm proud of it - I built it myself with help from Weebly. Go check it out!

We've had a little taste of South Africa thanks to a few local families and friends. It has only left me wanting to go back sooner and for longer! 

We are saving now in hopes of visiting South Africa in early 2016. Look at these sweet faces we miss. Luba has not been home since he came in 2013 and my last trip was 2012. I had grown accustomed to going yearly since 2007 so it's been too long of a break! I wish someone wealthy in skymiles would get us 2 tickets. I'm used to almost $2000 for the ticket on a solo trip- now we have 2 to buy!

Happy Fall!

Danielle