Choosing JOY!

It’s been a roller coaster ride for the past few months with the medical fiasco (HMO nightmare), work, finishing my behavior analysis fieldwork, studying for the boards in May (I signed up because I’m not busy at all?) and finishing wedding planning on top of "regular life stuff." Just listing all that makes me exhausted. Exhausted on top of exhausted.  It can be overwhelming at any given time—enough to send you into a flurry of unhealthy emotions, so much that you spiral and can’t figure out just how or where you started. Recently, I had had enough. Although I’m wading through one of the worst seasons of my life, I had been unknowingly allowing the best season to be eclipsed. I’ve waited for this wedding for so long. It has been years in the making and the visa journey to get here has been and continues to be the hardest thing I’ve ever navigated.

A few months ago, I was at a loss and really at the bottom of emotions. Insurance has denied requests for what I need at every turn, including the final one this week. I've exhausted ALL of my rights with them (insert any unholy word here). Doctors were in a hurry to do surgery. I was frantic, grabbing for any hope or other option, and really any other doctors. How could I fit this in before the wedding? What if my recovery wasn’t great and I was “ugly” during the wedding? None of it was fair. I spiraled and spiraled and spiraled to the bottom. When I consulted with a second specialist (which is a miracle story in and of itself), it felt like what could only be a 15-minute conversation with Jesus. I have no doubt that this man was an instrument, providing so much more than medical opinions. His whole demeanor is gentle, kind, unassuming, and supportive. I went into that conversation a “hot mess” moving like a tornado of conflicting emotions, constantly evolving. I came out with peace like I’ve never known. The circumstances never changed and the risks and possible outcomes were further detailed. Still, there was a trust. A trust in a specialist and a bigger trust in so much more. I felt enveloped. I felt like my soul had been hugged. Laughter came back. Hope had re-emerged. A perspective had shifted.

One of the reliefs was that I could wait until after the wedding to have surgery or consider other options. I could enjoy the wedding season without fear or worry of time. I should not be rushed. I had confirmation-- I could listen to all those quiet voices within me telling me to slow down and trust more. 

Although the journey continues and the fight with insurance is like a weekly waged war, I have maintained that peace and hope. I fight with the weapons I have, but I know that God is fighting the rest for me with His. As in the last blog post here, I come back to Exodus 14:14 time and time again: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” I'm not a person who waits, but I'm finding in peace in being still. 

With some aspects of life right now, I feel like I’m standing against a wall, and an unknown is throwing darts. I dodge and I miss. I celebrate each miss. I duck well. I maneuver quickly. I’m made for this and I’ve been prepared for this. I don't even like it one bit. 

Despite it all, I choose JOY. I choose to focus on the wedding despite the other unknowns. So many blog posts ago, I held on to Habakkuk 2:3 which says, “For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.” The time is now and although it felt it most times, it was not delayed. It is time to CELEBRATE. Our wedding ceremony is a tangible representation of God’s providence for both of us—His gifts—His miracles crafted especially for us and our ministry together whatever that may be.

 

True joy arises from knowing God’s faithfulness, provision, and intent for good despite the circumstances. In another long ago blog post (see here), I was reminded by “hindsight,” being able to look back on the gift God gives us. We may not know what is ahead of us, but we are able to look in the rearview mirror and see the unending instances of his provisions. For me, it is literally miracle after miracle from childhood to now. With that “history,” how can I worry about the journey ahead? I’m gifted with support. From physician connections in the strangest of ways to the kindest of office staff advocating on my behalf at the state level, things are lining up. I see it and feel it in my periphery. I understand it may not result according my desires but there’s a plan. Redemption will come. There will continue to be support. My life will continue to be a light.

 

The following verses regarding joy were brought to mind the other night and I continue to soak in them, take refuge in them, and whisper them to myself like a sweet lullaby.

 

1 Peter 1:8-9

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Nehemiah 8:10

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

 

Psalm 27:5-7

For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.

Hear my voice when I call, Lord;

    be merciful to me and answer me.

 

Hoping that you can feel abundant joy despite your circumstances,

Danielle

Hindsight

Recently, I was on a “life high” even though it was coupled with a very deep low. I was able to make sense of a lot of “things” and dreams were being realized, miracles were being witnessed, and I was on the cusp of such huge “life things.” I remember a friend’s daughter hit a low point and I emailed her to encourage her. I was walking through some significant issues but I was at a point where hindsight was on my side and was able to try and share what I had learned over the past few years. Even though events were painful and those events seemed to eclipse the joy every now and then, I could see how God had carefully orchestrated where I was to that point. I was coming to the end of a long long long waiting period. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could almost touch the finish line.

I’ve come to realize that God only grants us the gift of hindsight. Being able to look in life’s rearview mirror is enough for me to trust that, although it is difficult, foresight is unnecessary when I fully trust that God’s plans for me are so much greater than I can even fathom. I probably wouldn’t even believe it anyway if I had a glimpse into the future. I was at a point where it was easier (it’s never easy, is it?!??) to recognize how smaller events and experiences made up the larger plan unfolding like all the essential border pieces of a puzzle that help you build your structure.

Then, I hit a bump in the road. I’m careful not to post too much about the visa process as it not only involves me and it’s not solely my story to tell. I’ll just say that the bump caused me to come to a screeching halt. Screeching as in feet in the ground AND screeching out of my mouth, screeching the unholiest of vocabulary. What. Happened. Excuse me, God, we were on the “downhill slide” so I thought.

I was back on the roller coaster again. I hadn’t asked to go on another ride but I found myself soaring through ups and downs and blasting through a range of emotions. “I got this. No biggie. I trust” quickly changed to “Oh #$% it’s not in me. I can’t. I’m exhausted.”  Luckily, some amazing support people started to move and intercede on my behalf. I couldn’t do it. But God could. They could. Slowly and surely, I was back up, broken but beginning to heal from disappointment, confusion, anger, fear, and the list goes on. I realized that I had to take a dose of my own medicine--heed my own advice. I looked back at the events that led me to today. We’ve literally witnessed miracles through this visa journey. We have favor. We have been spoiled by God’s goodness. This “obstacle” is another part of our story that must happen. It’s another “let this cup pass” moment, but I know it can’t. There’s more to our story, and I know another miracle must be around the corner. I’ve asked for it, and I’m expecting it.

Along with the gift of hindsight, I’ve been able to keep trudging through the thick of waiting because of a few recurring dreams I had. When I had them (4 total), I knew they were important and I knew they were for a future time. They all had different “settings” but the events were the same. In each one, I was at an intersection and a dark road lay before me. All of the other roads were light except the one that took me “home” or to my destination. I had to walk through darkness, unable to see obstacles and unrecognizable images who sought to distract me or persuade me from continuing to my destination. I could not see how far the road stretched. In none of the dreams had I ever reached my destination. In two, I woke myself up screaming, too fearful of what grabbed at me in the darkness. In one of the dreams (3rd), a presence stood next to me as I wearily faced yet another dark road. I was exhausted. I had enough energy to muster “Not again. Not another one.”  I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other to even face the daunting challenge. The “faceless” presence told me that He would give me a glimpse of what was at the end of the road but I could not see any of the road itself. I remember seeing myself and being astonished as I watched a playful version of me in a vast ocean. I had never seen myself so happy. I was laughing like a child and overcome with joy. When I got to this past disappointment, familiarity rose from the disbelief. I’ve been here before. I can’t and won’t see the road but I know I have to keep facing forward and walk at the pace with which I am able minute by minute. I know that this path will be somewhat forgotten when I reach my destination, and I know that acknowledging and feeling it right now are crucial to my/our story. I know there’s a joy that I’ve never known and a happiness that will be new that I will experience at the perfect time. 

As usual, this brings me back to Habakkuk 2:3, a verse that I recite to myself on a daily basis.

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;

    it speaks of the end

    and will not prove false.

Though it linger, wait for it;

    it will certainly come

    and will not delay.

Are you waiting for something?

Regarding the future, I bank on Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” When I need something tangible, I look in my rearview mirror.

Ever so grateful for my support "people"! You know who you are.

Danielle