Two little words to avoid with new moms

Being pregnant was such a fun and exciting time. I so appreciated all the kind words and gestures I experienced. There was one phrase, however, that I hope I never or rarely use when chatting with future and new moms.

It's only 2 small words. It's two small words that can belittle one's experience. It can make someone feel as if their experience could not possibly hold up to someone else's. Seeds of comparisons are planted.

"Just wait."

You've heard it. You've used it. I think it's used with good intentions. But, what if we exchanged silence for "just wait." What if we, instead, just empathized. We can start with "I remember those days" or "It's a learning curve for sure" or "I know it's frustrating/emotional/logistically challenging." Seasoned mamas, you've been there. Remember how new and hard it was?

It begins before the baby even makes his or her entrance. If a pregnant woman is sleepy and was up most of the night, you know what comes next - Just wait until you are up every few hours feeding a baby. Just wait until the baby gets here. Then, it's usually followed by other unsolicited advice. 

And why does it always come with that guffaw or chuckle?

When struggling to wrangle up a tiny weightless newborn in a car seat, I don't need to hear "just wait until the baby is 25 pounds and you have to carry that thing!" I know my baby will grow. I know that if it is hard now, then it will get harder. I only have today's experience though, and I don't need to borrow from tomorrow. Going to the grocery store with one child is hard; no one needs a "Just wait until you have 2 kids/3 kids/4 kids!!" Things will get harder but they may also get easier. I'll become less rattled, less over-cautious, stronger, etc.

Really, we need to stop with the "just wait" comments. I never heard any that ended with "it only gets better" or "you will love each day even more." It was always something negative.

I honestly preferred seeing childless friends during pregnancy and after because of comments like "just wait" that were inevitable. It comes from strangers too.

I get it. I'm only 5.5 months into motherhood and when I hear my new mom friends make comments, my mind goes to those thoughts sometimes. I keep them to myself because we are different, and my thoughts are a result of my experiences. We handle our experiences based on our unique capacities and resources. Overall, what's the point of saying something to her that she may or may not experience?

Seasoned moms are so valuable. There's always someone in your shadows who will glean from that wisdom and experience. I think reframing the mindset behind the phrase bearing good intent is imperative when reaching out and extending a hand. Motherhood is different and difficult at all ages and phases, no? 

After only going this far into motherhood - in the very shallow ends, I know I want to be more positive with other mothers. I want to remember what a huge and emotional transition it was. I want to remember how all those decisions made in the post-partum suite felt like they had life long implications even when they didn't matter 5 minutes later. I want to remember how wonderful and hard maternity leave was. I want to make "the first day back to work" special. I want to be present and listen instead of think ahead of the present and overshadow someone's experience with my own. I know mistakes are inevitable, but I'm doing my best to avoid saying "just wait." 

Find that new mom today or "the mom behind you" and offer time, a meal, a listening ear or some time alone. 

Love,
Danielle