Surviving the Wilderness

Last time I posted, I indicated I’m on my medical journey which is really bringing my “theme of the year” to its fullest potential (freedom, through vulnerability).

It feels like every time I turn a corner, I’m slapped in the face by some disappointment or dead end. But also, every time this happens, I feel caught by a soft net intricately woven with prayers, tears, hope, grace, and the Holy Spirit. There’s some word of encouragement, email, gift....something to remind me that I’m not in this alone.

I got denied my requested 2^nd opinion at UCI this week, which was my biggest prayer request “of the moment.” There was not any reason for it, other than cost I’m sure. I was devastated (still am). I frantically called my insurance group and the parent company. After 2 hours on the phone, I just didn’t have anything left in me. I came home and ate (thank God for Luba and his willingness to cook) and then opened up my Beth Moore study’s workbook. The first thing I laid my eyes on was one of my favorite verses that had been buried in the back of my mind somewhere:

The sigh of relief came. A simple reminder. I could rest my spirit.

This week was full of surprises from Luba’s sweet gifts and generosity to a very sweet card with a favorite lotion attached at work from an anonymous person (who are you?). 

Luckily, each day I have had just enough “fight” in me to press on with what I need to do. I was reminded of this in last week’s study (Beth Moore) in regard to the Israelites in the wilderness. They were given manna when wandering through the wilderness but it was given according to need. None could be “stored up” or saved for another day. They gathered what they needed day by day. God’s grace is given according to need. It’s been a lesson for me to focus on “daily” and not work ahead.  I've panicked many times but now realize that I have "just enough" every single day, even when the night before I'm at a loss and thoroughly exhausted and bone-dry. I’m realizing how little control I have in life although I’ve been deceived for a while in believing I’d been successful in this. 

This is what the Lord has commanded: ‘Gather of it, each one of you, as much as he can eat. You shall each take an omer, according to the number of the persons that each of you has in his tent.’” ¹⁷ And the people of Israel did so. They gathered, some more, some less. ¹⁸ But when they measured it with an omer, whoever gathered much had nothing left over, and whoever gathered little had no lack. Each of them gathered as much as he could eat. 
Exodus 16: 16-19

While “waiting” through the insurance and journey to health, I’ve been able to have some fun with concentrating primarily on wedding planning!

Today, I was fitted for my dress. Luckily, it still fits after hanging in the closet for almost a year!

Luba & I have also gotten out to enjoy the beach. The vastness and freshness of the ocean is truly one of the best medicines.

Please keep me in your prayers. Feel free to email me for specifics. I’m so thankful for you and your support. You keep me a-float!

Love

Danielle

Enveloped by my people - thankful

I last posted that I was going through a medical journey. It continues. I’m still not ready to post specifics online, but many of you know the situation and are part of my “army.” Thank you.

I’m learning a lot along the way—a lot of things that I don’t want to learn and a ton of things about myself and my inner workings. Each morning I wake up and hope that I’ve been dreaming. Each morning I’m disappointed. The realities are renewed every morning and it's painful. Luckily, God’s mercies are too. Wiped clean are remnants of the faith-shaking questions that all begin with “Why…” and the consequences of my human reactions. I always find myself thinking that this situation is best fitted for a pedophile, human trafficker, [insert here any crime that makes you wanna vomit] etc. My wedding is a short time away and I long to be one of those giggly bride-to-be’s who is attending to last minute details and semi-starving themselves to fit in a dress. I long to explore the area and serve/host with Luba but we started this journey as soon as he arrived. After all the waiting for his arrival and the paperwork, celebrations have been interrupted with “this.” 

Each time the “Why” has seeped in over the last few months, I always feel this from God and I have consistently time and time again, “Because I will shine brightest in you.”

I’m exhausted. The steps it takes to self advocate with insurance are daunting on top of working 40-50 hours per week, adjusting to Luba’s and my life together, finishing fieldwork, doing “life,” and planning a wedding. I’m terrible with the unknown. I’m a do-er. I research. I make lists. I network. I connect. It’s so hard for me to wait. To listen. To primarily have prayer as my weapon and comfort. To leave my care in the hands of others.

I’m so appreciative of my people. I’ve had consults with physicians at no charge, thanks to friends’ referrals & connections. I’ve had a network that has stepped up and made recommendations. I’ve felt the Heavens move with prayers of so many, with many praying in unison across the country. It’s palpable. Blessed is an understatement.

There are truths that I repeat to myself every day over and over and over again. A few that have been specifically shared by others via text and letter are:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Psalm 91:

You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
    spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow, Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
    I trust in you and I’m safe!” That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
    shields you from deadly hazards. His huge outstretched arms protect you—
    under them you’re perfectly safe;
    his arms fend off all harm. Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
    not flying arrows in the day, Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
    not disaster that erupts at high noon. Even though others succumb all around,
    drop like flies right and left,
    no harm will even graze you. You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
    watch the wicked turn into corpses. Yes, because God’s your refuge,
    the High God your very own home, Evil can’t get close to you,
    harm can’t get through the door. He ordered his angels
    to guard you wherever you go. If you stumble, they’ll catch you;
    their job is to keep you from falling. You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
    and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
    “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best of care
    if you’ll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
    I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party. I’ll give you a long life,
    give you a long drink of salvation!”

One of my last posts is still very much relevant and the lyrics posted below are like balm to my soul (“Oceans” by Hillsong, google it so you can hear the beauty of the lyrics).  At any moment, a small pull of the string may leave me completely unraveled. I’m still doing my best, while exhausted and confused, to keep my eyes fixed. I’m basking in the love and support of others. I’m finding my “freedom” in allowance. 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

This will be okay. 

I will be okay, and His light will be even brighter after the journey.

Thank you a million times over for being part of the journey. Thank you for your part in the support whether it be prayer, emotional, referrals, cheerleader, reminding me of truths, etc. 

A huge thank you goes out to Luba for so much but a few are: making calls to offices with little information, cooking, listening, and just smiling through my spectrum emotions and misguided anger. The love & laughter have been my platform on which to stand.  

Love,

Danielle