The other side of gaining

Today, as I celebrate an answer to prayers, a substantial “gain” in my life, I am reminded of loss. Today, Luba left South Africa to come to the United States. I am stoked. I am thankful. Our dream has been realized. I am excitingly nervous. I am happy, really happy. This. Is. It. At the same time, I am sad. I am heartbroken in a way that cannot be described, but this heartbreak is not even a sliver of what his family feels. 

Today, I am reminded that gain is usually accompanied by some sort of loss. 

Throughout this process, I have tried to remind myself each time that I’ve celebrated steps and counted down days that I must honor the sacrifice of both Luba and his family. I’m going to be totally honest, in the beginning of this process I focused on my losses. It was all I knew. I’ve been in survival mode on my own for years. I borrowed loss from the future and neglected the present and more important, intangible and irreplaceable losses from him and his loved ones. I remember the day that it hit me in the gut, one of those powerful gut kicks from God. I was leaving my financial class at NewSong and thinking of the financial turmoil I felt myself walking into and the weight of becoming the “breadwinner.” Albeit temporary, I thought of what I would exclude from my budget that I loved. Would I give up the cute toe designs? I truly love them. They are my splurge and my 1 ounce of “girly-ness.” When I have children, will I be unable to work part-time or more so not have the choice? Would we have to have meatless dinners? The list of “what ifs” moved to the forefront replacing all the beauty and gifts I would gain with this relationship. Suddenly, I felt God say “Hey Selfish, wanna practice for marriage and actually start thinking about someone else?!?!” Images suddenly began rolling through my head, one after the other. A lot of those images were faces-his parents, his nephew. Luba’s face was there. I heard laughter from a boisterous close community. I heard songs in Xhosa that I knew from Sundays at Harvester Church where his dad pastors. The difference was that all of those things, people, places, identity, beloved country, culture, and friends were irreplaceable like my pedicure, groceries, money, etc. It was at that moment that I began to understand the depth of Luba’s future loss and his sacrifice so that I would gain, so that we would gain. I felt such shame. How had I missed something so simple? I knew that it was a wakeup call to do things as right as I consciously could until his arrival [which will continue after]. I began to seek out those who have immigrated here, especially those with a similar visa journey, for input on how to best make a house a home, how to keep reminders, etc. 

A shift started that day in my thinking and feeling. I’ve pursued that shift and continue to do so in order to be better prepared when he is here. I know I’ll mess up at times, but I’m committed to being conscientious. I was reminded that God has taken care of Luba to this point and will continue to do so. I assigned myself as “breadwinner.” I put on that weight I carried, no one else. I trusted God with the “big stuff” [which he answered in miracle after miracle] but I put myself back in control with the small details that I then let override the big. I had been my biggest obstacle. 

So today, I celebrate and look forward to the hugest exhalation I’ve ever produced once he shows up at LAX [tomorrow]. He has never been here and this will be my first time on this side of international arrivals. But today, I also mourn his departure with his family and for him. My promise to them is that I will do my very best and all that is in my power to maintain the connections. We will be and will lead a family by faith and trust in God. I’m committed to building a bridge between the two countries and incorporating South Africa into all possible. 

Nosipho & Mqokeleli (and the rest of the family), thank you for this precious gift and your sacrifice.

Love,

Danielle

Prioritizing friendships

I’ve been making invite lists for the wedding in April. It is a telling time trying to taper down all the people you know into less than 100 to comply with site guidelines. Unknowingly, it was an invitation to evaluate friendship, what it is to me, and what do I value in my relationships with women in particular. 

This blog aligns with my previous ones on women that you can find here, here, and here. As a single woman for more years than I expected, “women” and how to do "woman" well have been a passion of mine. I am not going to claim to know your circumstances, and I don't need to. I am not passing judgment on anyone here. I realize that I am not yet married. However, I hope that you will hold me accountable to what you read here because I will strive to be a good “girlfriend” to the women I care about. I also want to be a good “girlfriend” to myself. I am me. In addition, I am (to be) wife, sister, daughter, friend, SLP, etc. These are not compartmentalized. They are ME. 

I think the despair started as I began the list and forgot to include people that I have once known to the best of friends. How does that happen? If you are so close, what happened? For some of my friends, the friendship changed when a husband and/or children came. I know that I gave up. I have decided that after so many unaccepted invites, I am resigning as champion for a friendship. I get it that life has changed, but that does not change the value of my life and my time. We all live full lives. We are all "busy" but we all have the ability to prioritize and show that something has value. When you bring forth your busy married schedule so that I can fit into it, it unintentionally says "My schedule has more value." I get it that one could be dancing inside knowing that they are no longer on match.com when they listen to the woes of a friend. I get it that it feels like listening to a broken record sometimes. But listen past that, listen to the pain of a friend. A friend just wants to know that you are “really” present and always will be despite circumstances. Maybe you avoid because you don’t know what to say. Well, I know for a lot of my “crap” I’ve been through, I would love for someone to just say that they don’t know what to say but that they’ll sit with me. It doesn’t seem that hard to me but apparently it is. I hear this over and over again among my friends. What are we doing wrong?

At first, I felt like maybe there’s a different culture in California. I never experienced this incongruity with friendships in the South. My friends are my friends. I’ve had the same friends since junior high. I’m the last single one. Do I feel like it when I visit them? Nope. Do they go on and on about their children and isolate me in conversation? Nope. Do they make a point to make me a priority and visit me during my trips at my convenience? YES! I’ve never had a group of 4 girls first turn the convenience to “finding a sitter” or “other scheduled activities.” At this point, we don’t even have as much in common as I would expect but we are committed to each other. When we convene, we eat. We laugh. We share stories. We are women. The roles are like floating hats above our heads that do not hinder our ability to share. They do not allow us to compartmentalize or isolate. A few who have moved away from our hometown make the hour drive at the time that works for me as my time is limited when I’m home. Imagine that, the married with 2-3 kids each adhere to the single’s schedule. 

One of those girlfriends has been my friend since elementary school. It’s the kind of friendship that you hope never changes but secretly know may because of life circumstances. Luckily, it hasn't. My first recollections of Jennifer are from 1^st or 2^nd grade. We went to the same church and elementary school. We lived maybe a mile from each other. We remained close friends throughout senior year of high school seeing each other several times per week. College separated us and then my move to CA built a greater divide. I want to be better about talking to her between visits home but even though we don’t, all is the same when we get together. It feels like two high school girls chatting about the “goings on” that week and that no time has passed. She married and now has 3 children. She has been a role model on how to do friendships and marriage well. Her husband is supportive and will keep all of the children so that she can come out and visit. She and her husband have been one of my first models of a truly happy and healthy marriage. She has alternated her time between working as a Nurse Practitioner and being a stay-at-home mother. I’ve never heard her say “But the kids…” or “I’m so busy” when I’ve told her I’m coming home. I hear “when & where?” Our meet-ups over cocktails at a casino have become one of my highlights of going home. How does she grow more gorgeous by the year?! 

 e of my first models of a truly happy and healthy marriage. n come out and visit.  end. e guidelines

As I said before, I began to feel like maybe it’s the California lifestyle and culture. Thankfully, I was proven wrong. I have a great group of girlfriends that I met through work but I see often outside of work. Some of us have been in a cooking group for 2 years now. It’s been another opportunity to see women prioritize friendships and themselves for at least once monthly. We all dip into the various aspects of our lives from singleness to children to pain to celebrations.

Luckily, I was blessed with another beautiful woman who does “woman” and frankly, everything, well. I met Jennifer at work (another Jennifer!) and slowly began to know her outside of work. I was fascinated by her layers, more and more revealed through time. She kind of peels from “sweet friend” to “amazing cook” to “creative genius” to “Where do you hide your cape, Superwoman?” What I love about watching her life is that it is full. She’s married, mothers 3 girls (2 of which are twins), and works as a pediatric Occupational Therapist. She cooks “for real” dinners every night, and she is not on a rotating food schedule for convenience. She finds time for girlfriends. Sometimes it is paired with kids with other moms. Sometimes it is solo. She always attends our events that we have scheduled as a group. I see that the question for me when I see her at her best always seems to be “How do you do it all?” but I know from watching how much love that she invests in each person and project that the answer is simply because she wants to do it all.

What happens if we stop using our “busy schedules” or our kids as a barrier to friendships? 

Is it avoidance? 

Are we complacent instead of striving to be our best, something that can be spurred on by other close girlfriends?  

Or “you don’t know my husband….”? Yet I see YOU keep the kids while he prioritizes his friends and I watch you become more and more isolated

I get it, some friendships are transient and temporary. People come and go in our lives. this blog is meant to keep perspective in mind for those that you feel that you truly care about and consider closest friends.

Think about the last time you talked to or visited a “close friend.” Maybe a phonecall or a visit is due today or this week. Maybe you should ask what time is best for her, and not what works with your schedule as much. I'm not saying that you have to now devote a huge chunk to keeping friends, but rather, integrate it throughout your life. For some, there's a close friend that you've been putting off contacting for more than a year.

We have to continue working with each other, not against. I too embrace this challenge as my seasons are changing.

We must do “woman” well.

Love, 

Danielle 

Kisha, Natasha, Alisha & Jennifer, thank you all for going before and showing me the road to becoming a better friend, "balancer," mother, and wife--not to mention Christian woman.

Tim & Andy: BESIDE every good woman is an equally good man. Thank you modeling what it means to be a husband that cares for and prioritizes his wife's emotional well-being and healthy friendships. Thank you for all the childcare while your wives invested in other women.