Hindsight

Recently, I was on a “life high” even though it was coupled with a very deep low. I was able to make sense of a lot of “things” and dreams were being realized, miracles were being witnessed, and I was on the cusp of such huge “life things.” I remember a friend’s daughter hit a low point and I emailed her to encourage her. I was walking through some significant issues but I was at a point where hindsight was on my side and was able to try and share what I had learned over the past few years. Even though events were painful and those events seemed to eclipse the joy every now and then, I could see how God had carefully orchestrated where I was to that point. I was coming to the end of a long long long waiting period. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could almost touch the finish line.

I’ve come to realize that God only grants us the gift of hindsight. Being able to look in life’s rearview mirror is enough for me to trust that, although it is difficult, foresight is unnecessary when I fully trust that God’s plans for me are so much greater than I can even fathom. I probably wouldn’t even believe it anyway if I had a glimpse into the future. I was at a point where it was easier (it’s never easy, is it?!??) to recognize how smaller events and experiences made up the larger plan unfolding like all the essential border pieces of a puzzle that help you build your structure.

Then, I hit a bump in the road. I’m careful not to post too much about the visa process as it not only involves me and it’s not solely my story to tell. I’ll just say that the bump caused me to come to a screeching halt. Screeching as in feet in the ground AND screeching out of my mouth, screeching the unholiest of vocabulary. What. Happened. Excuse me, God, we were on the “downhill slide” so I thought.

I was back on the roller coaster again. I hadn’t asked to go on another ride but I found myself soaring through ups and downs and blasting through a range of emotions. “I got this. No biggie. I trust” quickly changed to “Oh #$% it’s not in me. I can’t. I’m exhausted.”  Luckily, some amazing support people started to move and intercede on my behalf. I couldn’t do it. But God could. They could. Slowly and surely, I was back up, broken but beginning to heal from disappointment, confusion, anger, fear, and the list goes on. I realized that I had to take a dose of my own medicine--heed my own advice. I looked back at the events that led me to today. We’ve literally witnessed miracles through this visa journey. We have favor. We have been spoiled by God’s goodness. This “obstacle” is another part of our story that must happen. It’s another “let this cup pass” moment, but I know it can’t. There’s more to our story, and I know another miracle must be around the corner. I’ve asked for it, and I’m expecting it.

Along with the gift of hindsight, I’ve been able to keep trudging through the thick of waiting because of a few recurring dreams I had. When I had them (4 total), I knew they were important and I knew they were for a future time. They all had different “settings” but the events were the same. In each one, I was at an intersection and a dark road lay before me. All of the other roads were light except the one that took me “home” or to my destination. I had to walk through darkness, unable to see obstacles and unrecognizable images who sought to distract me or persuade me from continuing to my destination. I could not see how far the road stretched. In none of the dreams had I ever reached my destination. In two, I woke myself up screaming, too fearful of what grabbed at me in the darkness. In one of the dreams (3rd), a presence stood next to me as I wearily faced yet another dark road. I was exhausted. I had enough energy to muster “Not again. Not another one.”  I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other to even face the daunting challenge. The “faceless” presence told me that He would give me a glimpse of what was at the end of the road but I could not see any of the road itself. I remember seeing myself and being astonished as I watched a playful version of me in a vast ocean. I had never seen myself so happy. I was laughing like a child and overcome with joy. When I got to this past disappointment, familiarity rose from the disbelief. I’ve been here before. I can’t and won’t see the road but I know I have to keep facing forward and walk at the pace with which I am able minute by minute. I know that this path will be somewhat forgotten when I reach my destination, and I know that acknowledging and feeling it right now are crucial to my/our story. I know there’s a joy that I’ve never known and a happiness that will be new that I will experience at the perfect time. 

As usual, this brings me back to Habakkuk 2:3, a verse that I recite to myself on a daily basis.

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;

    it speaks of the end

    and will not prove false.

Though it linger, wait for it;

    it will certainly come

    and will not delay.

Are you waiting for something?

Regarding the future, I bank on Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” When I need something tangible, I look in my rearview mirror.

Ever so grateful for my support "people"! You know who you are.

Danielle

A love story.....

Allow me to tell you a love story. Pull up a chair. Grab a glass of wine. I’m not sure how long it will be. But, this I promise you. As usual, I won’t bore you with just a feel-good happy ending story. Instead, I’ll expose the painful process that makes it beautiful. Beauty can be found in ashes. I know this.

This story started so long ago, long before I was even privy to the introduction. And it is still being written.  But I’ll let you glance into the pages.

This story begins with a little blonde haired, freckle-faced girl born and raised in Mississippi. She was raised in the church with a firm foundation in Jesus. She was born into a good and respectable family. She loved well and was well loved.  As the years went by, she dreamed of her future family, and husband, as many young girls do. Early on she dreamed of a family that rivaled a Benetton ad in terms of children—the seed was planted early on for adoption. She prayed for “tall, dark and handsome.” Years passed on and formidable years were spent dating, studying, and hanging out with friends. Somewhere in there, prejudices crept in. Her family raised her to judge a person by his or her character and not by highest education level or skin color. Still, she did. During those crucial years, instances and painful life experiences caused the prejudices to grab hold and fear soon ensued. For her, it was Black men. Of course, there were “exceptions” and those who were befriended but the generalities remained. Coincidentally during this time, she stopped attending church due to disbelief in the legalism and the whole “system” of religion.  

Fast forward through years of “spinning wheels” while living, learning, dating, etc. After a strong need for community and further spiritual development, she found a church that fit her needs and wants. It was in this church that she was moved to take a risk and go on missions in 2006. One trip led to another and in 2007, she took a big step and signed up to lead a team to South Africa. Never had she had this desire due to silly associations with the past. Africa had become the “origin” of pain and discomfort and she had sworn she would never step foot on that continent. However, she was obedient to the nudge and went. She instantly fell in love with the country and the people. She learned about Apartheid and heard the stories from all racial groups from an “outsider” perspective. So much of the struggles and triumphs stemming from recent integration reminded her of her upbringing in the South. In hearing stories of discrimination of Colored and Black groups, she began to see herself. As if she was looking in the mirror only to find guilt, ignorance, and shame looking back. 

She came back. She went back in 2008. She fell deeper in love with the country and the people.

She came back. She went back in 2009. She fell deeper in love with the country and the people. But this time, she fell in love with a boy. She began to see a friend there that she had met in 2007 and seen again in 2008 a little differently. Late nights she spent asking questions, hearing answers and perspectives that she never imagined, and digging deeper to find herself and discover what went wrong in her own outlooks.

She came back. It was only when back that she realized her true feelings and he, his. She dove deeper from afar but kept it safe to herself.

She went back in 2010 with another team but stayed an extra week to seek spiritual restoration and solitude. She was able to see the boy off and on and continue conversations. 

In the beginning of 2011, she went back independently to South Africa to spend more time with the boy. They wanted to be together but there were so many logistics between them, as they were worlds away. Logistics intruded far more than the ocean and miles themselves. She lost vision and gave up. She let too many opinions take her vision off what she felt and knew to be true.

The rest of 2011 and most of 2012 were dark. She felt a despair and regret that was unimaginable. She had not necessarily made decisions regarding what she felt was best for her. Instead, fear and distrust had crept in. She had doubted how big her God is and felt that she was not in alignment with where she was supposed to be. She yearned for reconciliation. Days were dark. She knew the highs of temporary “band-aids” she found to place over her wounds that kept the pain at bay for a bit. She knew the lows over another disappointment. She knew the feeling and pain of fresh hot tears that were uncontrollable. Friends knew her unpredictable emotional state.  

Although it was still sensitive, she felt the nudge to go back to South Africa although she probably would spend little to no time with the boy. But that was okay. Her first priority had always been to serve and the people that she would love while there. However, she expected the sting of familiarity without reconciliation. As months of preparation continued, changes happened with logistics. She needed a ride from the airport that would allow her to feel safe at almost midnight miles from home. She would need rides across town on weekends when she would be there.  She was forced to swallow any pride and ask the boy. He agreed to help. Worry set in. What if he didn’t show up? What if it was awkward?  She knew there were conversations that needed to be had regarding what had already happened. The word “closure” already evoked such a physiological response that it was unbearable. 

The plane ride to South Africa in November 2012 was full of emotions. What started out as excitement morphed to fear and regret as the hours passed, especially between Amsterdam and Cape Town. Waiting for the baggage was spent halved between dreading the situation on the other side and looking forward to what was on the other side. 

The boy was there, as he said he would be, on time, smile included and quick to help.

They hung out most every night after her serving activities were completed. They laughed. They continued conversations that began in 2009. He challenged her to think beyond her capacity. She felt that no time had passed. She felt as if “this” had always been. They sat in silence and just enjoyed being in the same spot in a very big world. They had dinners. The boy took her wine tasting [her love language]. They spent time with her friend Candice who came for one of the weeks. They roamed around Cape Town. They did not, however, have that closure conversation.

She came back. But, she won’t be going back this year because he will be coming here instead. A visa application and wedding planning are in the works. 

Their story is beautiful and perhaps  one of the single best love stories of all time.  It’s a beautiful story because it is not just about a boy and a girl. It’s also about a God that they both share who riddled their story with themes of reconciliation, sacrifice, forgiveness, redemption, mercy, grace, abundance, courage, and 2^nd chances. It is beautiful because we practice what He first showed to us. Hindsight can be breathtaking. Beauty from ashes. 

Even through the disappointment, she believed. Her God heard her questions. He saw her tears. He cried with her. But, he knew the timing would be best served later to fulfill a purpose together. Only He knew the plans he had for not just her, but for the both of them together. 

For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
    it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
    it will surely come; it will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:3

Oh, and “tall dark & handsome?” Touché, God, touché.

 Cape Point: a place in South Africa where the two oceans {Indian & Atlantic} meet

Looking back on 2012

Happy New Year!

Better late than never…

As I forge into a new year, I’ve tried to take a minute to look back at 2012. I’m actually going through Unravelling 2013 by Susannah Conway as recommended by a visiting pastor to NewSong, Chris Seay. Check out that HERE to find out more or do it along with me!

Lately, I’ve been into having a theme for each year. Well, it actually started last year when the word REDEMPTION came to mind and then I watched that word play out day to day and month to month right up until the end of the year.

What were the highlights of 2012 for me?

First of all, I made a conscious decision to start the prep process for a future adoption. I knew that the time was now. I chose to both starting saving money and begin building a community through recycling. Redemption really became visible to me during this project idea. Sometimes, I cannot believe how friends stepped up to join forces with me for “Shorty.” I think Shorty may be the most loved “unmet” child ever. I’ve had strangers donate money, friends inconvenience themselves to save recycling and get it to me, and family members continuously send money to deposit. Shorty has $2094. I’m still diligently recycling and saving so keep on keeping on! Thank you for your continued support! See, drinking sodas and beers [preferably from cans] is less guilty knowing that the container will go toward a good cause, right?!?!

I am thankful for the many new friends that came into my life through book club and Mom’s ministry at NewSong. I also began a group called Eden that includes ~10 other fabulous women leaders. We meet monthly and I learn more in that 2 hour block than I ever anticipate.

I’m continuing on with my BCBA training. I have 2 more graduate level classes under my belt and ~400 clinical hours. It has been exhausting juggling work, working an extra day to get extra $ and hours, cramming online work into the weekends, and then reserving Sunday for a true Sabbath / week prep evening.

In February, I conquered uncharted wine territory with my favorite wino friend Tom. We hit Edna Valley in central California. We have tasted together in Napa, Temecula, Paso Robles, Santa Ynez, and now Edna Valley. We are so ready to take this thing internationally.

I went to my yearly women’s conference called GodChicks in June. I think this is time #5. Every year, I sign up for the following year and wait excitedly for the time to come. I LOVE this conference and cannot recommend it enough if “church” is your thing. It’s hip, cool, fun, and mind-blowing. It has to be for me to go because I do not love large groups of women on the weekends….

I finally visited Chicago. It has been on my "to visit"  list for years. I met a friend there, Jody, and fell in love with this place. I went on a food tour, architecture boat cruise, to the art museum, the "Bean," and had Chicago style pizza and hot dogs.

I took two trips home to Mississippi in August and December, and I traveled to St. Louis for an early Thanksgiving before heading to South Africa.

South Africa…..last but certainly not the least.

This was my 6^th time/consecutive year to travel to South Africa. My support community did it again. We raised almost $2000 to donate directly to the organization that I serve (Monte Christo Miqlat), the autism school (Boland), and a few other on-the-spot projects that popped up. My friend Candice came for one of the weeks I was there, and it was exciting to share another one of my “home away from homes” with her. We served, wine tasted, ate, sweated, safari-ed, and Table Mountain-ed.

I had a theme for the year, but as the year closes, I could sum up how I felt at any given time in one word as well: OVERWHELMED. I, at any time, was overwhelmed with feelings of exhaustion, joy, gratitude, loneliness, confusion, and love.

Before I left for South Africa, the theme for 2013 popped into my head early: STORYTELLING. I was not sure of any details or the origin but glimpses began to come to me as I prepared a message to share with a congregation in South Africa. During the trip and by the end of December, I knew exactly the significance and confirmation of this theme.  I can’t reveal of all the details yet, but I do see a future of storytelling that began way before 2013, but 2013 will be the catalyst. Can. Not. Wait. Tease, right?

As the year wrapped, I can see how all of the feelings and events intertwine like the image when one looks through a kaleidoscope. A kaleidoscope is a cylinder with mirrors containing loose beads and bits and pieces of glass. As the viewer looks into the end, light enters creating a pattern due to the reflection off the mirrors. 

For me, I look back at the bits and pieces of feelings, events, pains, and celebrations that lie contained. When His light enters, I see how they reflect to make a beautiful picture, a unique picture of my story.

Thankful for the pain as much as the happiness. Thankful for redemption.

Come on 2013, let’s do this!

Love, 

Danielle