Christmas 2015

2015 has been a hard year with so many emotional changes and transitions and getting back on our feet. I usually get the "Christmas blues" at this time and this year definitely topped the cake. I love the holiday and traditions but I don't love the commercial take-over it can become. It takes so much more searching to find that hope that Jesus came to bring so long ago. I had become weary from treading water and constantly looking for it in a time in the United States that is just ugly. Hopelessness invades us as we watch the news and become overwhelmed with all that is going wrong. This season seemed to overflow with hatred, anxiety and fear. Horrific things happened. Too many deaths within my 6 degrees of separation happened. My mom is sick. I'm not where I think I should be or want to be in life, and I begin to compare to others  which is never ever good. It was all wrapped up under my imaginary tree this year. For weeks I have thought about how Christmas comes in Winter (see my post about Seasons here). In my mind, it is most fitting that way. In the middle of the "blues" and darkness and tragedy and bitterness, hope comes as the most vulnerable in the darkest times. A baby. A poor baby. A baby with a questionable story to others. What King is born under those circumstances? How could anyone have known the greatness from this smallness? That was it - I was reminded that hope and love most often come in small packages, not grand ones. It comes in the vulnerable, the weak, and the least expected. I was reminded with each of the 400,000 cards arrived to Safyre (I lost count after that), refugees were placed in homes and able to just sit and relax, when the Anonymous Santa paid off items on lay-a-way for people, and the list goes on. All of the small tokens of kindness and love become brighter. A little brightness lights up a dark room and when we all bring more of it, the darkness retreats and is no more. The pastor at the church we have been attending even touched on this after I have been stewing on it for weeks so it hit home a little more as a confirmation. I have to hang on to that thought for 2016 and remember "what a difference a year makes" and "the best is yet to come!" 

Luba and I just got back from being in Mississippi for the holidays. We left Wednesday evening, spent the night in Winona (MS), and drove the remainder of the journey on Christmas Eve morning. We only had 1 mishap going...I punched in the address to the hotel without adding the zip code and we passed our hotel. Oops! From where we were (our GPS final destination in a field rather than Comfort Inn), we could see a Holiday Inn with a huge cross next to it. We have seen this before as we passed by and we drove along the road to look at it. To my surprise, the road that leads to it was "Bro. Johnny Walker Road."

Bro. Johnny Walker was the pastor of my childhood church and the father of one of my best friends as a child. He was such an integral part of my early faith and foundation. I thought of my friend/his daughter, Candace, and wondered if I could find her online. I have searched for her and wondered about her for years but never found her. I looked her up on Facebook and there she was, finally a fruitful search, so I sent a friend request. Once we were checked in and settled into our hotel, I got a message from her and we were able to reconnect. My heart was full at the moment - no additional gifts needed. I needed that down to my soul and core. If you are from Lucedale, you know the Walker family was a gift to the community and First Baptist Church. They are truly special people and few come close to the warmth, hospitality and integrity of this family. Having that online connection with her woke something up in my soul. It just brought back so many memories.

Luba and I spent the entire time home between Mom's, Daddy's, and my brother Cary's homes. We laughed, ate, watched TV, and played Cards Against Humanity. There was a lot of porch swinging and listening to the rain. You can see that here (after you take your Dramamine):

It was just great to be home and focused solely on family. I am truly grateful that we live closer.

We made the drive back Sunday, stopping over in Winona again for LUNCH WITH THE WALKER FAMILY! We had casually mentioned meeting up but most of the time those things never work out so I didn't get my hopes up. We left Lucedale and headed out. Only 1 mishap happened on the way back - missing our interstate connection. Oops again! We backtracked a lot and wound up having to take back roads and country highways so we had this view for a looooong time:

We arrived a bit late but arrived. I can't even express how awesome to pull in to their drive and see my long lost friend waiting outside! THIS is how Facebook excels - reunions! We had the best time catching up but it was not nearly enough time for the years missed. When you reunite with childhood friends and their families, it truly feels that no time has passed.

Luba and I both wanted to stay longer but had to head out for the remaining 6 hours drive. We definitely plan to go back down and visit again, for a longer amount of time. Mrs. Dolores and Candice of course sent us on our way with travel mugs of sweet tea, a mason jar filled with extra tea, cheese & crackers, sandwiches, oranges, dessert, and water for the road. 

It was a great holiday - but as I say every year, next year will be less busy, more decorative, less commercial, and more intentional. And, I'll start much earlier.....

Remember: the best is yet to come! 

Happy New Year!
Danielle

Christmas 2015 (letter): looking back over the year

Hello friends & family!

Is it already this time again? I can’t even believe it! I hope this letter and card finds you well. This has been quite the year for us so I thought it deserved a separate recap!

As most of you know I had a major health scare and surgery that closed out 2014. That brought on a lot of thoughts about future events – both good and bad. We realized how isolated we were in California. Although we had a huge “family” of friends and my beloved workplace, we knew we wanted to be closer to my immediate family, especially as we begin to think of beginning our own. We wanted to be closer to family in case there were emergencies or health changes (mine or others) and we wanted to be part of their lives – not the visiting aunt and uncle. Since Luba’s family is far away (in South Africa), this relocation would be beneficial to all. We started making mental and tangible plans to relocate to St. Louis, where Letetia lives.

We checked final items off of our California bucket list in early 2015 and I applied for jobs in St. Louis. We made plans to road trip to our new home in April 2015. Saying goodbye to friends, co-workers, and clients/families was brutal. I stayed in denial and shock until the car hit the freeway heading out of Orange County. We checked many states off of our “states visited together” list this year. Luba got to see a lot of America through the road trip, as did I. We stopped at so many quirky & fun spots along the way (pictured: spray painting at Cadillac Ranch). We also stayed in some spooky places that we can now laugh about without a rising heart rate.

We arrived and moved in to our apartment on May 1. Since then, we have been settling in to new routines and making connections. I started work on May 18 at Easter Seals Midwest as a behavior analyst providing behavior therapy and ABA supervision/staff & family training for children and adults with autism. Luba started working at the International Institute in July. I also opened a private practice for speech pathology to allow me to keep up with my skills and build my network providing my first love, speech and language therapy.

We live about 5 miles from Letetia and her family and we love it (picture from Apple Picking at Eckert’s Farms). We have had lots of double dates and time with her kids. As Brady said: WE CAN DO FAMILY DINNERS! We even stayed over and were “insta-parents” while they vacationed in Mexico for 1 week. We are also driving distance (10 hours) to Mississippi (home) and have made the drive once already to visit my parents. I love that we can also visit family by meeting half way in Tennessee or somewhere else if we want! Everyone is much more accessible.

We like St. Louis so far. It’s in a great location for us geographically. We made it to 2 Cardinals games (picture from Busch Stadium) and have tickets for the Rams for December! Fly over state? Psssht. Within 8 hours, we can drive to so many cool cities. We have gone to Louisville Kentucky for the weekend (picture at Churchill Downs) once and are trying to plan Chicago, Nashville, Memphis and Kansas City. I love being able to hop in the car and go somewhere fun and a have a choice of states! We are loving the seasons but also bracing for initiation into Winter, coming soon.

We are also trying to plan a trip to South Africa for Spring 2016. This will be Luba’s first time home since coming in 2013 (he just celebrated his 2-year America-versary). I have not been since 2012 after going yearly for 6 years so I’m dying to get back there as well. This year’s trip will be very different for us. If you are in South Africa, WE CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU!

Please keep in contact with us. Our contact info is on the back of the cards. We would love to hear from you & know everything!

With love and warmest of wishes, Danielle & Luba

A picture is worth a thousand words right? Highlights from the year: 

Another plea for women (& Moms)

I have a small plea to all women, and especially moms, out there. This is on behalf of women like me who do not yet have kids, for whatever reason. Please don’t judge us now, or how we may be in the future, according to our “childlessness” or our dreams in how we raise our future children.

Sounds like common sense, right? Who would do that? Maybe I’m imagining a portion of it, but the feelings are still real. My identity as a woman is not defined by profession, marriage, or children, or anything else. Yours is not either. Aren’t you glad?

This has been on my mind for some time but it’s hard to get my thoughts down without sending naive or angry. Bear with me.

We are all different. We want different things - marriage vs. single, adoption vs. biological, children vs. no children, single parent vs. co-parent, career first vs. children first, and the list goes on. Each woman must do what is right for her.

It all sort of “came to a head” recently when someone asked me in a horrid tone of voice, accompanied by an equally offensive facial expression, “tell me, do you have kids?” The context (whether personal or professional) of it doesn’t matter, but the point of it does. It was a blatant attempt to discredit me in that moment. This was not a friendly “get to know you” question.

I’ve been challenged as a professional in this way, and this seems the most unfair. Sometimes it is hard working as a therapist without being a parent. There’s an element that gives you an advantage, I think, when you do have kids so that you can connect to others in a different, more personal, way. Being a parent/therapist does not, however, ensure aptitude. I know I have had experience living with and caring for my sister’s kids so I have only a glimpse into how hard parenting is and how busy parents are in those few hours after school and before bed. Because of that, I always try and provide home programming that works into current routines and does not add a burden. I strive to be sympathetic and truly listen to their stories and difficulty, and sometime excuses. I don’t like arbitrary things for the “sake of doing them” so that reflects in my approach in my profession. I don’t need to have children of my own to know that sometimes you have to pick cooking a good meal over sitting down and working on a certain sound or other skill that a therapist has given for homework. Sometimes you are entrusted with children that do require extra attention and upheaval of schedules, and I know that too. You may have children but I have worked with hundreds. It doesn’t mean I know more, but it does mean I have experience with a variety of children, diagnoses, settings and dynamics. You can respect that for what it is and why you are with me - a professional relationship. You do not “get to” dive into my personal business to discredit me. Can a doctor not prescribe you medication because he or she doesn’t have kids? Do you not trust your dentist because maybe they don’t have kids? No. Same goes for me. Same goes for teachers. Treat us with respect and as an individual trained in our profession. I get it - there are therapists or teachers who may not have experience with seeing first hand what a day look like post-school and pre-bedtime. Instead of discrediting them as an individual or professional, just try enlightening them. Like we all do, we understand more things with experience. We are all young and idealistic, but we all learn and flex and change. We can teach each other from our roles without tearing each other down.

I wonder what this person would have said if I had responded in any of these ways which were all true feelings that came rushing over me in response to, “tell me, do you have children?”

• No I don’t, and I cry many nights over this fact. My heart races as my mind is flooded with budgets, current financial balances, cost expectations with having children, my age, my desires, my husband’s wishes, etc. My mind never stops rolling these through like credits that never stop after the movie ends.
• No, but I can already imagine my daughter twirling around in her pink tu-tu. Did you know we already have her name picked out?
• No, but I plan to foster-to-adopt and I am going to lovingly choosing a difficult road, one that will include attending to special needs in some capacity. We plan to specifically find a black son. Did you know that less than 10% of adoptive parents will even choose that race and gender?
• No I don’t yet and even seeing women who are pregnant or gushing over their newborns feels like a knife through my soul. I’m so happy for them but I’m also reminded of what I do not yet have. When will this be me?
• No, I don’t by choice right now but what I find out that I will struggle from infertility?

I have also heard, “Oh, wait until you have kids. You won’t do any of those things.” I’ll give you this much - people change after they have children and they may be more or less strict than they imagined. BUT, you don’t know me. You don’t know what makes me tick, and how I will be when I have children. You could be right in some aspects, but you probably won’t be in most so please don’t even say it. Do not speak that over me, and do not demean my intentions. That also goes for saying things like this to single women about when they get married. I was told all kinds of things, and NONE of them were true. I am married. Yes it’s hard. It is as hard for me as being single was, just different. My husband is an active participant and we share gender roles. This is what WE chose and I chose. It works for us, and all of those snide comments I heard as a single woman before marriage do not apply. Many came as well meaning, but many perhaps reflected something that they needed to face within themselves. We could, however, be more truthful in sharing the difficulties of both stages. Can we be honest and let others know how hard marriage is before they get married? Not in a “don’t do it way” but an honest way? Can we understand that being single is fun sometimes and not fun at other times? Just because single women aren’t carrying a burden for 2 doesn’t mean that it’s not just as hard sometimes. Difficulties shift for all of us, despite our roles. Let’s be gentle in our approaches.

The intent for this is not to be an angry post but to reveal how some of us feel when we are faced with what sometimes feels like leverage. I say this because I’ve seen so many friends and coworkers get asked that question while I stand to the side knowing of their infertility, miscarriages, desires to be a parent. I watch them feel judged or “sized up” for not having kids. I have seen their and my own professional abilities be questioned due to personal choices or differences. We have to stop. We owe this to each other. Maybe we can use more “I” statements instead of “you won’t,” “you need,” “just you wait.” I know this can be done because most of my friends are extraordinary moms and they navigate this beautifully.

We are women first We are not defined by our roles. Let’s do what is right for us, but treat each other with respect.

 

Who run the world? Girls! (It wouldn't be complete without a shout out to Beyoncé)

We are all in this together,

Danielle

PS: I cannot for the life of me fix the changing fonts throughout. Whatever.

A love letter to teachers

Hello!

Teachers have been so heavy on my mind for a few months now. I can’t shake it.

As part of my job, I have the privilege of training teachers in ABA and autism, observing children in the classroom in order to provide teachers with strategies for improving behaviors, and collaborating with school staff regarding therapies. I’ve loved it. It’s been years since I’ve been out of the public schools, years of my career that I cherish most. I could tell stories for days – remembering specific instances, joys, successes, failures, and lows. What I love most is that I still remember each face. The faces that taught me the most (maybe ones I feel I failed or was too inexperienced for) haunt me. They appear in my hardest times to remind me to do better, to keep thinking, to be more creative or “out of the box.”

I’m reminded again what a difficult job being a teacher is. I’m focusing on teachers as they have the largest ratio during instruction (I know it can be difficult for all staff as I was an overwhelmed-overworked-but-in-love-with-my-job SLP).

Over the past few months, I have been in awe of some of the teachers I have observed going about their day. I believe that when something is on your mind for a while, it’s meant to be shared.

Teachers, times have certainly changed and I believe that demands placed on you have exponentially increased without us (on the outside) realizing it. Not only do you have the job you signed up for but you now have to handle so much more – the repercussions of technology that has exceeded a child’s maturity level, helicopter parents, more children with special education in your regular education classroom (a great thing but it requires more training), changes in student culture (LGBT teens, transgender, transracial families, immigrants, etc.), fear (gun violence, consequences of the war on terror shown nightly on the TV), and brokenness in homes. You have become champions for causes, cheerleaders, counselors, special education teachers, advocates, social workers, and moms-away-from-home (with some of you actually adopting your students).

I’m in awe of your ability to “stay calm and talk it through.” Gone are the days of “I told you already” or “because I said so” and here are the days of teaching the emotional and environmental consequences of poor decisions so that we address social emotional health and answer those annoying “why” questions that teach way beyond your given curriculum. I’ve seen you have circle time for the wee ones and the older ones and you’ve asked each one “How are you feeling today?” and everyone in the circle waited for the answer. Did you know that for many, you are the only one who will ask them that question? I’ve watched you become open and honest with your students stating that their actions also made you feel sad and hurt.

I’ve watched so many of you teach your students to be good citizens of the world – recycling, acceptance of others, and volunteering or “giving back.” You sow a seed that won’t be reaped perhaps for years. But, you know it’s there. Thank you for your investment in their and our future.

I’ve seen you cry in team meetings because you feel that you aren’t doing enough although I’ve seen you do way more than anyone can comprehend. I’ve seen you try everything you know to do, ask for help and more training, and continue to struggle over “that one.” I’ve seen your eyes light up over baby steps toward bigger academic milestones – steps that would be easily go unnoticed.  

Some of you teach classes to a group of wide-eyed students hungry to learn the academics and English. I’ve watched you spend extra time and money to serve those students from immigrant families. You’ve filled in the gaps financially and with time. You’ve also taught the parents and advocated for them as well.  

I’ve watched you learn and embrace new cultures and religions. I saw you lovingly smooth a young girl’s bangs back under her hijab and tell her that she is beautiful. I know that you probably had to learn a lot about Muslim tradition in order to better support her in the classroom. This simple loving act spoke volumes.

I’ve seen you buy Christmas gifts for a family that would otherwise have no gifts under the tree. I’ve seen you sneak snacks into backpacks knowing that there are no snacks or “extra food” at home. I’ve seen you send home clothes for younger siblings that you’ve collected. I’ve seen you do this in a way that is honoring to the family and preserves dignity. You’ve been so slight and careful.

For some of you, I know that you can't have Jesus in the classroom visibly but we know He is there because you call on Him several times throughout the day - especially at the end of the day when students are going home to parents who cannot provide for them physically or financially or emotionally. You pray for them at night and on weekends. Your knees are worn from laying these burdens at the foot of the cross. We know you also pray to be more for them. 

I know that those outside the school life rarely understand your job. They see a job description that can sometimes seem “easier” than some jobs. They don’t see the longer list of things you do in the day that are not listed in the job description. Oh, and why are you complaining because you get the summer off and so many holidays? That’s stupid, we know. We are aware that you put in enough unpaid hours to fill those holidays and summers. You can sleep in the summer to make up for those sleepness nights wondering how  you’ll get needed supplies and books for your low-income students and how they will eat when the cafeteria is closed for the holiday and summer. I love that all of you that I know personally would have still pursued this profession had you been given the truth, the true description of what this job would call you to do and be. You would still say yes. We know you have the ability to most impact our future.

You create world changers.

Thank you for all that you do – seen & unseen,

Danielle

A few of my most favorite teachers:

Seasons

Hello from a beautiful Fall day in St. Louis!

I have been in “puppy love” with Fall here. It has always been my favorite season but I’ve never experienced it so fully as I have here in our first year in St. Louis. The trees are beautiful. So many times I have pulled over to take a picture. I often just swipe through my photos looking at the gallery of trees I’ve captured. The crisp cool breezes are romantic and invigorating. We are surrounded by beauty- we need not look too hard to find it. We are captivated by the colors we see at only this time of year. How many shades of golden? Orange? I had never seen these shades.

One reason I was excited to move here was to experience true seasons.  Recognizing that Winter would be difficult I knew the other seasons would be so much more appreciated and anticipated. In California, it’s hard to complain about year-round sunshine, but for me, it was not healthy. I needed the sights, sounds, feelings, and social experiences of all four seasons. Seasons are a physical tangible reminder of the cycles and seasons of life. Walking outdoors or through the park can be as good a sermon as Sunday morning.

Just look at these pictures: 

I love Fall most but I feel like when we are in a “Fall” in our lives, we know to cherish it. We know it can change any time. We recognize that we are living in the “good days,” and odds are that they can only last so long before we are faced with a challenge. Slowly we see the signs that the year (of our lives) is changing. Fall teases me with the hardest of seasons for me – Winter. The beloved leaves are falling from the trees in greater numbers. You can now see the bare branches instead of the full kaleidoscope of red, orange, brown and golden leaves. The air is more biting in the mornings and evenings. Ice begins to form early in the mornings providing us with warnings. There's a sense of preparedness. One day, we wake up and ask, “Where did it go?” although we know the answer already. we hope that we had acknowledged the subtleties and seized the opportunities before the next season comes.  

Winter often too closely follows Fall. It will come, there's no doubt. Winter is when we bunker up. We store up and we bustle less. We cling to each other to keep warm. We spend more time at home. We look for comfort. Flavors become warm and spicy. There’s a feeling of heaviness. The world outside can be bitter and harsh. There can be scarcity. There’s death. Maybe we barely get by. We question if we will survive this season. We have to reorient to what is important. We have to look more closely and longer to find beauty. We have to look for a “different” kind of beauty in this season. We don’t like it but it’s necessary, necessary for life and regrowth.

I need not go into detail as it is not my story, but Winter hit our family. I had been basking in my Fall (literally and spiritually). But, I knew. I felt Winter whispering. I felt tinges of cold blow through my soul. And then it came. So, just like the season, the family has bunkered up. We’ve stored up plans, love, and swords of scripture. We cling to togetherness, the essentials, and the bottom line. It’s harsh and bitter, but we know that as the seasons have beautifully taught us, Spring will come. On the other side of Winter is newness, vibrancy, life, growth. We will be renewed and refreshed, and we will never be the same as we were. As hard as it can be and will be, we take hope in Spring because we know that it is around the corner.

John Steinbeck said, "What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness.”

Each season has so much to teach us, if we will watch.

So, loves, enjoy the season that you are in if you are in a sweet one. If you find yourself in Winter, hold on. Though it may not feel soon enough, Spring will come.

Love,

Danielle

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

He hath made everything beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, 11 (King James Version)