Learning to wait

First of all, I’m so appreciative of those who read my last blog post. I’m humbled when people actually read all my random thoughts and updates. Secondly, I have survived on the subsequent comments, well wishes, emails, texts, and visits with me all the while teary-eyed as you told your own story and mentioned threads of mine. All of our stories are interwoven. You see me, you hear me, you care. It’s truly a gift.

Today is the 4^th of July. Freedom is the theme of the day. For me, it’s my “word” this year. I’ve been experiencing freedom in ways that I could not imagine – most of it has come through vulnerability. The hugest freedom has been loosening the chains of “control” in my life. I’ve been moving, slowly (sloth-pace), from the driver’s seat to the passenger’s seat. Okay, maybe I’m “riding the hump” (sorry, had to add a country phrase) or straddling between seats, but I’m moving.

I woke up this morning with just an overwhelming peace that I never thought I would fully embrace or grasp—the peace of submission, of waiting, of letting go. Some of you know bits & pieces of what is not said publicly in the blog and you can affirm the fact that God speaks tangibly to me. For me, there’s no way I could not believe because I’ve had way too many “Only God” moments, ones that leave both the believers and the non-believers stumped or with “chill bumps.” It leaves some shaking heads and shrugging, “How does this happen to you?” The beauty of it is….that I know. I know I’m loved. I know I’m created for a purpose. I have grace. I have provision.

For the past few years, I feel like God & I have had a very special roller-coaster-ride, patience-teaching, submission-inducing relationship. I’ve been able to yell back, rest, cry, throw things, high five, laugh, question—all the while knowing I’m loved beyond measure, taken care of, and will continue to be taken care of. I’m infuriated by the Christian-ease shown when people show real human emotions. I am enraged with hearing “give it to God,” “if you’re worrying, you’re not praying,” etc.  I cognitively get all those things but I appreciate my relationship which allows me to be human, the way I was created. I’m allowed to have emotions—be scared terrified, sad, angry. I’m allowed to process these AND know that I’ll be okay. I know I have a resting place that I’ll nestle in after the occasional internal emotional fight.

How did I get here? Me- the control freak, detail-obsessed, must-know-timeline beforehand to begin, do-it-quick-and-check-it-off-a-list person? Simple: Repeated tangible moments that are undeniably “Only God.”

For some reason, I woke up with one of my earliest happenings on my mind. There are many “miracle” stories in my childhood. One that played out as I woke was being in a car accident at ~21. I was driving home via “back roads” from Alabama to Mississippi after a hair appointment. For months earlier, I had been thinking that I should learn the names of roads in case of emergency (at this time, we had recently gotten all roads renamed/named for the 911 system). I came around a curve in the road to see a car in my lane. It was a woman driving, and her child was standing in the seat next to her (don’t even get me started…). There was no way I could hit them in any way. My first thought was the child. I swerved and missed. No biggie—until I went to get back on the road. My car hit loose gravel and I began to swerve from one side of the road to the other, quickly losing control of the car. At that moment, I felt the spin. I could see flashes of trees, houses, familiar landmarks. I felt the car slide up a slight embankment. Those few seconds felt like an eternity. For some reason, logic kicked in. I held my legs close to the seat (flashbacks of broken legs from locked legs extended to the pedals from in auto safety classes in school), took my feet off the pedals, gripped the stirring wheel, and held on. I felt the car go up and then start to flip. One of my worst fears was slowly (although I’m sure quickly) being lived. Then, it was realized. The car flipped and rested, upside down. My first thoughts were to get out—I’d be so upset if I was okay and then the car caught on fire or something. I had no idea what the condition of the car was like on the outside. I unbuckled my seat belt and fell face down on my opened bible that had fallen out of the glove box (1 regret in life? not looking at the passage!). I couldn’t orient myself to get the passenger door open – who’s used to opening the door from upside down? I called 911. I didn’t freak out until she said “Where are you?” and I couldn’t answer. What were the names of those roads??!?! I couldn’t read the small sign from so far away. I tried to explain where I was in terms of landmarks and other major roads. Reality hit when she said “Don’t worry ma’am, we are looking for you.” I knew she had no idea where I was. This is a low traffic area in this time of day as well so I knew that no one was coming quickly. Suddenly, two guys that looked like convicts (understatement) drove up. I panicked. But, reluctantly I engaged them. I asked them to simply open my door so I could crawl out. They did. I was thinking “now what?” so I remained on the phone with the 911 operator (God bless these people). I joked and told them if they had anything to hide then they may want to get on down the road as the highway patrol was on the way. I kid you not, they bolted like a flash of lightning. By this time, I was able to read the cross streets and emergency personnel were on the way. The volunteer fireman from down the street showed up. I asked him to please cancel any ambulance and have only the highway patrol arrive. He did but I heard him on the phone—“I think she’s okay. She looks okay. She wants to cancel the ambulance so her dad doesn’t get billed for an unnecessary ride. She’s making jokes.” Because of my “kookiness” from being so freaking glad I was “okay” they assumed I had a head injury. The volunteer fireman said he didn’t want to come to the scene after the call because that “curve gets everyone” and “most people wrap themselves around the tree.” You see, I missed the trees. My car slid right through, hitting nothing. I had no scratches. No glass broke. I didn’t hit my head during the spinning and flipping. I was the first person in an accident per his knowledge that wasn’t seriously injured. Purpose? I knew I had one. This moment was loud for me. Provision? Although it wasn’t my first taste of it, it was my most flavorful.

Most of this “learning” however began with my visa journey. I had only so much control. I could control submitting paperwork and some details. My attention to detail and organization could shine in the execution of paperwork. The rest—approvals, dates, requests for additional info (the important stuff)—was out of my control. We worked by a timeline that either caused feelings of elation or desperation. None of it was “approximate.” All in all, most of our steps were completed or approved in 50% of the time expected which is what I prayed for. The ones that weren’t, however, were very delayed. Actually, I prayed for a quick trip through this dreaded timeline but I also wanted our story to be a reflection of God’s presence in our relationship and to highlight things that only He could do.

I’ll share one of those moments that was one of the most profound for us. Luba’s police clearance was delayed. It was our final piece of paper before a last submission to the embassy to get scheduled for an interview. Calls were made. In turn, false promises were made. More calls were made. More promises were made. No police clearance came. Emotions were beyond definable at that moment—we could do nothing, nothing but pray. Our friends & families prayed.  Luba was working with the police academy and set out for an assignment that was changed at the very last minute. Instead, he was to take a couple people to the airport. Of all of the people that could have landed in the back seat of the car, she was the ONE we needed. She could assist us with our missing paperwork. She was a high government official and in charge of this very thing. She heard our story. She exchanged personal information with Luba. By the beginning of the next week, it was in the mail to us and we were on our way. (Long story short: she saved us from waiting for paperwork that was never coming without some bribery & corruption involved and months of delay). At that moment, I began to really set up camp and rest in a verse that had been shared with me by my friend April Diaz much earlier:

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
    it speaks of the end
    and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
    it will certainly come
    and will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:3

When my medical journey began, I started out again as who I’ve always been. I had to mentally run through a timeline with steps to “get this tumor out.” Again, everything was already lined up and revealed little by little. It was proven yet again that His ways are better than mine. Had I gone by my course of action, which was logically and medically sound in nature, I’d have the tumor out now but would definitely have some permanent neurological effects. The surgeons were not trained and appropriate for my case. I would have entrusted my voice to sub-par physicians and surgeons all the way around. I had trusted them, and they had been wrong – all of them. I was reminded of Habakkuk 2:3 each time a delay occurred—insurance mishaps, that yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing something wasn’t right, the anesthesiologist on the case that urged me to get a 2^nd opinion even though surgery was scheduled, the ENT who is a specialist and told me to wait, the fight with insurance. It even occurred as the #1 surgeon (out of state) for this rare tumor contact ME to be of assistance after he read a Facebook post. Seriously? He contacted ME after I had researched him online, wished for his opinion, and gave up the thought of contacting him when I didn’t find an email address online. The very next morning, I woke up to a message from him which included his email address and some confirmation of questions (& second guesses trying to push in) that had been racing through my mind. A few months ago, I was grasping for any date for surgery. I rushed. Today when you ask me when surgery is, you get a nonchalant shrug and “Dunno.” I know it’s going to be scheduled on the right day. The right surgeons are going to be there. I’ll have my posse praying through every minute of the surgery. I will be okay.

A few weekends ago, I went to my all time favorite women’s conference in LA. I go every year. It sustains me until the following year. This year, the theme was “Be Brave.” “Brave” was a word I had been thinking through for weeks so I knew it was going to be good. And it was. One speaker, who is a Grammy-winning recording artist, recounted his experience of having vocal fold damage during intubation during surgery. It was refreshing to see him back up and singing, albeit different than before the surgery, and still living his purpose. He was there for all of us, but I knew he was specifically there for me.

One thought kept resounding in my soul all weekend:

I’ve given you a voice—what makes you think I’d take your gift?

You’ll speak louder after; your territory will be enlarged.

It is done.

I believe it. It’s mine. I claim it. I hold on to it. I wait for it. The right time will come and it will not be delayed.

Love,

Danielle 

In this season

Here’s a loooooooong overdue update!

First of all, thank you so much for your generous support and donations! Of my personal goal of $765, I’ve raised $640. The team as a whole has surpassed our goal of $4865 so we are set!! We are humbled by your generosity.

As the date draws near to leave (tomorrow!), I reflect on how much “missions” has personally changed my life and that makes me excited for what this trip has in store!

I think the best change has been the many lessons on being transparent and vulnerable to others -- not only to my supporter community, teammates, family, and friends but also to everyone whose paths cross mine. The hardest part, however, is not being vulnerable to others but to myself. In that capacity, I’ve learned how to maintain a more obedient posture and to listen to that quiet voice that seems to come only when on one’s knees--the voice that encourages us to expose what has been so intricately hidden and disguised so that we can connect with others in a way beyond our imagination and sometimes comfort level -- a connection through pain that ultimately creates beauty and activates love.

I’ve learned to use whatever time/phase with which God has entrusted me. For now, it is a season of singleness. I never imagined to be in this season for so long and there’s a lot I could say but that’d take up too many blog posts. I’m happy I’ve always clung to that voice that has reminded me on so many occasions during dating, “Yes, you could have this but if you wait, I have so much more to give yo beyond what you can imagine.” For the past year, I’ve been waiting for the right opportunity to use this time. Over that same amount of time, my attention kept being drawn to the Village at NewSong. [Click here for more information about the Village] The purpose of the village is to provide a space to connect families who have a heart for orphaned or vulnerable children.

I decided to follow that continual prompt and attend a planning meeting to find out more about how I could get involved as a single woman (having known for years that I want to adopt internationally in the future). I thought at the very least I could find out information about the process for future reference. For those that know me, you know my skills are organizing, leading, and being a catalyst to set ideas into motion. For the first time, I sat dumbfounded and completely useless in the meeting. I wondered if that meant that I was there by mistake. I uncomfortably stayed through the meeting, feeling misplaced. During the closing prayer, my thoughts drifted (I’ve recently diagnosed myself with “prayer-induced ADD”) to a stream of my own.

I love the freedom of being single, but no matter what stage of life we are in at the time, I think dark thoughts seep in from time to time. These are a few thoughts that ran through my mind at that moment:

I’ve been so patient with waiting for the “right” men and do my best to serve others, how come so many other women who settle and/or who are selfish have beautiful families and seem to have everything?

Why doesn’t the right person pick me--am I getting too old?

Once again, passed over for the “cuter more outgoing one” or “the one that puts on a better show”As these thoughts grew and circled through my mind, I clearly felt God say, “Danielle, you ARE in the exact place I want you to be even though you can’t see it right now. These thoughts that you have circling and the pain they induce are what brought you here. These words (lies) and pain are felt by thousands of orphaned children every day as they also watch and wait. The pain in wait bind your hearts.” The strength and clarity of that message moved me to tears.

As I said, I love being single but with every “season” there is pain that is meant to bring awareness and spring love into action.

With what season has God entrusted you?
How will you use your pain and experiences?

Afterthoughts...

Now that I have been back 2.5 months, a few experiences and affirmations are constantly in the forefront of my mind and are continually processed on a daily basis. Some are very tangible while others are intangible or being processed or testing my ability to really take leaps of faith. It has been an interesting and exciting and frustrating return all combined into one.

One experience I won't forget is the day we ordered fish & chips for lunch and took it back to our guest house to eat. I always fear not having enough food so we ordered a little more than what we actually ate and we had no way to store the food so we reluctantly took it to dispose of it. The worker in the kitchen told us to just put it on the counter. We did so and went on about our day expecting that this was in her job description to clean up after us. A team member went back in to the kitchen to ask a question and saw the worker going through all the parcels taking out what was left to take home to her family. I don't think I have ever been leveled as much as I was on that day. I still think of that story on a daily basis. I like to think I'm a conscientious person but I can be wasteful when it comes to food. If you know me well, you know I always have tons of food left over at parties because I always fear "running out." I've definitely been better and I'm constantly trying to "reduce" and "reuse" as much as possible.

Another resounding theme was finding hope in despair. I went in to a few seemingly dark places--serving alongside the homeless, serving the prostitutes at night, going into the prison. While the circumstances were "dark," there was light in people's eyes that I didn't expect, a sign of hope--hope that their situation is temporary and will improve, a hope that someone sees them, a hope that God will redeem.

I think one of the best places I saw this faith in action was in the prison. I've always wanted to visit the prison but it was always something the guys did on the trips (if it was part of the schedule) because some prisons won't allow women in at all. Mqokeleli (pastor at Harvester, http://backtosa2010.blogspot.com/2010/11/where-did-we-attend-church.html) offered to take me to the prison with him so I jumped on the opportunity. I was scared at first as I had to lock up all my belongings and go in to such an unfamiliar environment, one that can easily invoke fear among women. This is not really "my cup of tea" so to speak even though I have wanted to go. The barrier was quickly dissolved as the men were very friendly. I was worried that the men would be silent since I was an outsider, a woman, and an American. The opposite occurred, and they opened up and shared many of their testimonies and how they wound up in prison and how they believed their lives were being transformed through Christ. I left with a better idea of how much I need to shift my perspective despite my circumstances.

As for as South Africa goes, I keep getting my annual questions "When will you go back?" or "When are you going back for good?" It has definitely brought me to a place to fully embrace God's plan for my life even if it sets me apart from others from a lifestyle or financial standpoint. I'm slowly trading the dreams I have/had for my life for His dreams as mine are surely limited. Who knows where this will take place, and I don't think I have to know right now.

One thread keeps weaving in and out of my life at opportune moments though. When I was at a Christian women's conference this summer, the one question that I took home was: I have been placed in this place, at this time, in this moment in history. Why? For what purpose? I often reflect on that. During one of my quiet times in SA, I was thinking about that and then opened a devotional book that I brought and decided to skip ahead breaking the intended order. These bullet points were in the side margin of the lesson which was titled "Submissive to the Lord's assignment:"

• My life means more than the temporary
• I live at this point in history for a reason
• My existence is no mistake
• I'm here for a purpose -- to fulfill my God-given role

I hadn't given this too much concentrated thought until this past week when it came back up during a morning conversation with my mom. We discussed this based on some personal things I'm working through. She doesn't know the history of this "thread." The next day, I received a card in the mail from her with this on the front (which had already been mailed from Mississippi and en route when we had our conversation about this topic):

• You are not here by chance, but by God's choosing. His hand formed you and made you the person you are. He compares you to no one else-- you are one of a kind. He has allowed you to be here at this time in history to fulfull His special purpose for this generation.

The inside read:

• You are God's servant in God's place at God's perfect time.

I'm a little scattered all over the place since my return as I'm processing next steps. However, I'm comforted by that affirmed message as it has recurred in the best of the worst of times. 'Nuf said.

That's it for now, folks. Thanks for keeping up with all my posts and random thoughts before, during and after the trip. We're all in this together.

With much love and gratitude.