What am I reading lately, you ask?

Some of you have asked: What are you reading lately?

I thought I’d write a quick post to answer that – what I’ve been reading over the past month and a half, what I am currently reading, and the next book up in book club! Links will also be embedded so look for those to find more information about authors or books.

Since January, I’ve finished 4 fiction books:

• Take Me With You by Catherine Ryan Hyde (Luba and I listened to the audio book)
• All the Stars in the Heavens by Adriana Trigiani
• Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
• The Guest Room by Chris Bohjalian

Of those 4, I would recommend the latter 2 for a speedier read. The other two were just okay to me. Bel Canto is a beautiful love story. I always enjoy Ann Patchett’s writing. I absolutely loved reading The GuestRoom. I just came late to the party, discovering Chris Bohjalian last year after reading his Sandcastle Girls in book club. I love that he writes about relevant topics and topics that we may know little about. I felt so overwhelmed by my lack of knowledge about the Armenian War after reading The Sandcastle Girls. I was surrounded by Armenian people and groups when I lived in California – had I known I could have asked more questions, learned more about their history and culture. Another missed opportunity from not learning world history better. I love The Guest Room because human trafficking is something I feel strongly about and have learned so much about through Christine Caine and her A21Campaign. The only chapter written from first person is the perspective of Alexandra/Anahit. I appreciated that Bohjalian gave this victim a voice. On a side note, I saw him speak at an author event at my library (Saint Louis County Library - best!) and he's so warm, friendly and witty. He is so engaging and accessible that you forget you are in the presence of such an acclaimed author. He doesn't seem to take one minute of fame or publicity lightly. 

Right at the end of the year, I finished Carry On, Warrior! by Glennon Doyle Melton. If you aren’t familiar with that name, does Momastery ring a bell? She has a blog. I dig this woman. She’s raw, vulnerable and the real deal. You want to be her BFF. You just breathe sighs of relief all through the book and say out loud, “Oh Thank God, you too?!?!?!?!?” She also has a book to be released in August, Love Warrior. You can preorder that one now. Come, August.

Right now, I’m reading “Happiness, Like Water” by Chinelo Okparanta. It’s a collection of stories. Okparanta is a Nigerian American. I recently saw her for an author at our library. She was shy but bold in her remarks and so witty. I love discovering new authors, especially African writers. I love expanding my perspectives by listening to others’ stories.

 My friend getting her book signed by Chinelo Okparanta

I’m also slowing working my way through “Shattered Dreams:God’s Unexpected Path to Joy” by Larry Crabb. More on that books is posted on this previous blog post.

I am so so so excited about our next book club pick for March: The Notorious RBG: The Life and Times of Ruth Bader Ginsburg by Irin Carmon and Shara Knizhnik. I’ve always seen this woman in the audience when I watch POTUS’s state of the union address. I’ve wondered about her history and who is she? How did she make it to this position? This is what I love about book club – I would not have picked this book up or have even known about it, but when someone picked it for March, I became very excited. I guess there are some great memes out there. Our book club always ends up with timely books. Right after we chose it, the death occurred of Antonin Scalia and she came to light with beautiful words about their friendship.

As for as a devotion book: I’m reading “Savor” by Shauna Niequist. Each entry is short but powerful for thought. You have a bible verse to start with before her entry. Each entry leaves you with a question. I like this format – not overwhelming but thought provoking.

So that’s what I’m reading or recommend for your reading!

I frequently update my “Book Recommendations” page on the blog if you want to check back or see books that I’ve enjoyed. It’s separated by categories. You can also find me & add me as a friend on Goodreads – Danielle Jones Mntanga.

Enjoy,

Danielle

Thoughts on what we say, not how we speak

Warning: this post has been brewing for a while. I think I’ve calmed enough to write it, and I want to write it because I was reminded me of the need for it after a long chat with a friend just this week as I listened to her struggle through this.

To sum it up: listen to what people say, not how they say it.

If only it were that easy, right? Seems such an elementary concept.

I hear things here and there but what really “poked the bear” was a discussion I saw among speech pathologists. Now, I’m an SLP too. I went into this profession with a desire to help people communicate. To communicate to me means communicating in both obvious conventional ways and unconventional ways – whatever gets your needs and wants expressed to loved ones. A huge part of my job is to listen to HOW people talk to determine if it’s a disorder and if it is, whether or not it should be “fixed.” People in the public eye often want to sound a certain way so they may seek accent reduction. Businessmen who are immigrants from Asia may want accent reduction or articulation therapy to sound more like the standard American accent. Children may get teased for having a lisp so they have speech therapy. We look at a variety of reasons. Some of it is impacted by others’ perception and reaction.

I went through this myself. When I interviewed straight out of Mississippi in Los Angeles for a position to be a speech therapist, the interviewer said, “You sound nothing like the South. How did you lose your accent?” (Clearly: I was hired! A miracle worker! Accent tamer!) He didn’t hear the strong melodic extra-diphthong speech that preceded and followed that interview. I had turned it off. I worked so hard to turn it off because of all the ridicule and misperceptions of those that spoke with a Southern accent. You know the ones – “country” accent, hillbilly, etc. I wanted to fit in within my new city, Hollywood. I soon realized that I was in the melting pot of accents. Everyone was so different and it opened up a whole new world for me. Since then, I’ve worked to STOP turning it off. It’s me. I’m no less intelligent. It speaks to who I am. I am not ashamed nor should I be. Sometimes, I still do code-switch meaning I change my language and pronunciation based on my environment or communication partners. When I’m at home or with parents, I will use an “aint.” You might here a “she ain’t got no business.” I excel in grammar. You won’t hear this from me at work or with people with whom I’m less comfortable. My accent helps show the world who I am and where I come from.

I listened to what some speech pathologists were saying because the first comment pertained to me. One person has stated how annoying it was because a student had been shown a “picture” and he/she pronounced it as “pitcher” as in pitcher of tea. So many had a good chuckle over this. I realized that I do this. When in my natural element and comfort zone, I have put many “pitchers” on the wall or taken “pitchers” with my camera. I had never noticed. I was sort of offended because it made me more aware of how I was saying things so much that I wanted to say less because I was self evaluating everything that came out of my mouth. Wow, the power of one little statement of ridicule. It hurts. It’s unnecessary. It’s mean. I know the difference. I can hear it. I can write it. I KNOW this. Do you REALLY care if I correctly pronounce it every single time? It’s a dialectical difference. Then I heard more comment on their irritations: “aks” for ask and so on. I couldn’t believe it. We should be the most sympathetic ear. We should be focusing on the message and teaching others to do the same. I do understand career fatigue and finding humor, but I never find it in the true intents of people. Okay, maybe giggling at a child developing sounds and saying “f” for “tr” in truck and he repeats this request over and over. I get it, we have to laugh some times. I’m talking about accents in immigrants or dialectical differences in American English, the barely verbal, the ones with physical disabilities who speech production is impacted, etc.

My friend and I were discussing this over coffee because sadly she has heard a lot of this, specifically in America. Why is this the first country in which she has experienced this?

She is of Indian descent, raised in Malaysia, lived and worked in London and well-traveled. She’s the real deal, “well bred” as people might say, diverse, sweet, intelligent, globally knowledgeable, and my "educates-me-on-race" person. Why would you get sidetracked by her accent when she’s offering you so much more?!? Yes, I noticed it when I met her and I appreciate it. That’s it. I’ve moved on to pick her brain on so much more.

Listen to what she has heard (just a few things):

• You don’t sound like other Indians I know
• You don’t sound like Apu from the Simpsons!
• You don’t sound like Raj from Big Bang Theory!
• How did you learn to speak English so well?
• I didn’t even know they spoke English over there
• How is your accent so strong?
• I didn’t know they spoke English where you come from

From Latino friends:

• Oh, I didn't know you spoke English!
• You don't sound like my gardener.

*this is all after hearing questions spoken veeeeeeery slowly with much emotion and facial expression*

From a Vietnamese friend on a domestic flight as she sat in the exit row:

• Mam, do you speak English? (said very loudly, this gal was California born and raised)

How can people ask such things?

Often when confronted about this, instead of the "asker" listening and thinking through it, one continues on:

• But, I love your accent!
• Americans love accents.
• All the doctors/engineers/etc. I work with talk like that
• You are just being self conscious
• But......
• But.....
• But....

Don’t get me wrong- true curiosity is one thing. I initially asked her where she was from because I knew she must have immigrated from somewhere else. I ask her a million questions and she has grown accustomed to my direct approach to just getting to the root of the issue and ask. I think that’s step 1 in learning, finding out about cultures, and race reconciliation.

I think that we have to just simply get back to LISTENING. Listen to the message being conveyed or spoken. We can’t get sidetracked by the delivery. So the waitress asks you if you want “flied lice?” You know she means fried rice so just let her know if you want a bowl or not. (Funny how so many say immigrants people should speak English when they come to this country….do they really mean speak English perfectly?). One of the kids at the school or other parent wants to “aks” you a question? Just say “of course” and listen to the question. Talk first without assuming the other person needs you to speak slower or more exaggeratedly. Make no assumptions and start the conversation....they will let you know if they need more assistance. Let them be the ones to ask. I loved this in South Africa when I visited, people automatically spoke to me in Afrikaans in public. I just said, "Oh I speak English" (and then my Americanness was obvious). They just proceeded in English - a simple easy exchange. 

In the off chance someone actually speaks up and lets you know that they feel hurt or offended, stop and listen first. There's no need to defend. They've probably already heard anything you would say. Think on the words. Take them in. Let yourself be offended for being reprimanded or questioned and feel that burn. Feel it? That's how they feel. Let it change you for the better and thank them for actually speaking out. That will be rare - most will keep this hurt internalized.

This isn't about "people getting too offended easily" or "them assuming I mean to be offensive/harmful in my question" or "it's all in their head." I know this because I've felt it and experienced it often as a born & bred Southern American WASP. I know friends have too. It's that assumption you see in others after you say something. I'm asking why I DO have that accent and other times when code switching why I DON'T sound like Mississippi. It always seems to be accompanied by a chuckle. 

One of my favorite TED talks is by Jamila Lysicott and titled “3 ways to speak English.” The link is here so mosey on over there and listen when you get a chance.

Communication is essential for life and happiness and learning. Let’s make sure we make we keep the conversation going and not needlessly shut it down. Focus on content and less on mechanics. For us that are speech pathologists, we do focus on the mechanics sometimes, but I know we prioritize the process and are trained to differentiate between disorders versus differences.

Love,

Danielle 

Our first Winter

As most of you know, this is our first Winter in St. Louis - well, our first Winter anywhere that has a real Winter. We've lived in cold places with low temperatures but we have never dealt with snow that doesn't dissolve shortly after falling. We keep being asked: What do we think?

Well, what we think is Winter is not our favorite season physically or financially. It's so fun to watch the snow fall and accumulate. It is beautiful to see as it settles on the tree branches and over the hills. Now, I say this from the perspective of the heated car window or more especially from my window at our apartment. It isn't fun YET brushing off the car (well, ask Luba) or sliding driving in it. I slid a couple times on the last drive. I've never had such tightly clenched body parts and white knuckles before.

First of all, we are grossly under-dressed. Due to getting back on our feet financially after a cross country move and the fact that I'm always under-dressed in cool/cold temperatures, we have not yet grown our winter wardrobe and supplies. We have coats to get us by and we will definitely be prepared next year (remind me to read this sentence next year to see if I'm laughing or crying uncontrollably). Luba has been his more-than-awesome self as usual. After a snowfall, he brushes off my car before he leaves for work even on those days I go in much later and have more time.

Luckily, it has been a very mild Winter. High five, God, you know we can only handle smaller increments in change and temperature. We are weak mortals. It has only really affected us on 2 workdays so that's pretty minimal.

The nice thing is that everyone understands it and appreciates getting off the road and settled in somewhere when you can, or when you suck at driving in snow. It has been a forced slow pace, which has been nice. It was great timing for our Whole30 because we weren't tempted by sunny outside patios at breweries or picnics in the park with cheeses & meats!

I constantly remind myself of thoughts shared in the post, Seasons. How I'll appreciate that Spring! Come on now, Spring, so that I can fully appreciate you.

I'll post some pictures below from our new Winter Wonderland.

Stay warm,

Danielle

 first time behind the wheel

 

 Bless him - he's the sweetest

 

Whole 30 in the books!

WE DID IT! 

We finished the Whole 30 although we are basically continuing it past the 30 day mark. We are trying to decide what we will continue to omit and what we will reintroduce back into our meals. What did we think overall? We loved it. We felt great. We felt lighter and less bloated. Heads were clearer. We didn't drag mid day. I learned how to cook more vegetables than I ever have. 

For me, it went way beyond the physical. Being able to think clearly while I forced myself to sit down, research recipes and meal plan was key. Going through the motions and being successful with doing what I had considered "hard" before was a catalyst for moving toward more hard things that I usually avoid that are not related to food. 

In the recent years, two areas of my life had grown out of control. Funny, huh, for someone who is very systematic and in control of so many things? My weight/nutrition/body care and finances went off the rails. Once it went so far off, I sort of "piecemealed" it back together here and there but felt so overwhelmed that I could not get a full grasp. I felt like within both of those areas, I lived by sticking a band-aid here and there on problem areas to get me by.

Whole 30 gave me stamina and momentum. I've already taken the past few months and started to really look at spending. I need to see where we actually spent. My budget that I made has been in the file box from the moment I completed it. Each month, I swear I'll use the envelope system (Dave Ramsey style) because it will FORCE me to be more conscientious. Each month goes by and I swear that I'll do it the next month. Another band-aid or two and another month goes by, and then another, and then another. Now we are looking at spending (what we actually spend) in order to modify the budget.

One of the culprits for money loss was harmless stops here and there for a coffee (and then a spontaneous pastry to go with it because it's 2pm and well.....- see this connection?) and dinners out because we had slacked in meal planning or I was tired from a later night at work.

Look at all these transactions:

So, all these numbers are debits for restaurants and coffee shops. Then I found a few more and added them to get these numbers:

WOAH! That's a lot more spending than I expected. I complained about not having money to get some things we needed without realizing where money was leaking from the account. Because most meals were not as memorable or special, I wish we had eat a sandwich at home and stuck that amount in savings! 

Then, I looked at how much I had spent since starting Whole 30. I had gone to a few restaurants with the majority being due to work-related reasons (therapy session was lunch, co-worker birthday lunch, lunch on the road between clients). Luba and I had only had 1 meal out together in the 30 day span. I haven't missed restaurants like I imagined I would. I didn't need all those coffees in the afternoons. It was a reminder of how needlessly we had been spending the money and how easy it is to let the budget go out of control!

Because we meal-planned, we had food left over for breakfast ( veggies thrown in or covered with eggs) and lunches. Dinners were automatically lunch the next day. We practiced more portion control. I made the lunches before we sat down to each the dinner to ensure we didn't eat "seconds" just because the food was there. 

Who knew a meal plan would change so much, and so much beyond eating habits and nutrition? It's also made me think of how much we think we need across a lot of categories or areas, and then how much we would actually miss it if it were gone? We hang on to so much that is not beneficial for us or good for us. 

If you are considering trying it, bet on yourself and do it. You can if you want to. "It's hard" is an excuse. "I can't live without ____" is an excuse or poor reason. Yes, you can live without wine, and cheese, and rice, and creamer, and all the other stuff you think you need. If you do, I'll send you my favorite recipes and I'll be your biggest cheerleader.

Eat well,

Danielle