In the past, this holiday seemed to be very exclusive to those who physically had children. Today, I'm glad to see we have rightfully expanded our perception of this holiday to include those with a "mother's heart." We all know the ability to give birth and childbirth does not always make up a mother in the way that we know "mother" - nurturing, loyal, loving, seeing to her children's best interests, providing for her children, encouraging, supporting, etc. We have including this day to include spiritual mothers, work mothers, actual mothers (whether through childbirth or adoption), aunts, and teachers.
I look around and see so many friends who have lost their mothers, and I am sad. I see my friends who have miscarried or lost babies after birth and have no child here on earth to hold. To the unaware, they are not acknowledged on this day. I have friends who have two mothers through being adopted and later reuniting with biological mothers or gay parents. I have friends who have no recollection whatsoever of a mother, whether that be through death or other circumstances. I have friends who hold memories of their mothers that elicit pain, bitterness, anger, sadness, or other negative emotions. I also see friends who are mothers who are estranged from their daughters and sons. I have friends who walked into motherhood single. They knew their destiny and they reached out and took it bravely. I have friends whose mothers are oceans away on this day, and what they wouldn't give for one hug and a little time (including my husband). Some of us have never raised children, but we take care of yours in the classroom, hospital room, or therapy room. I've been honored to be present for so many "firsts" (steps, words, other milestones) with children that I loved dearly but were shared with me by their parents who left them in my care at work.
It never eludes me on a daily basis that my relationship with my mother is truly one of God's greatest gifts. This became much more real at the end of 2015 when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My family has generally been unscathed in terms of deaths, diseases, and hardships. I felt for a while that at some point, that would change. This was one of the major reasons Luba and I decided to move closer to family. That decision was solidified after my own surgery and health scare. We only have so long with our family members, and it was more important to be near than stay in California with all its perks and the comfort of our own life that we had built. Shortly after we settled in and got into a groove, this news came. God's timing is impeccable, right? Since the diagnosis Luba and I have been able to make a trip, and my sister and I were also able to drive down when she had surgery. It was the first time in years that I remember my brother, my sister, and I all being together as siblings in one room. In the waiting room that day, I was beyond grateful for this simple gift. It's a long drive, but the option to get in the car and drive there within a day is something I am most grateful for. She is doing well, and if you know her, you know what a fighter she is.
Through the processing and grappling with this diagnosis, I've seen my mom in such unique ways. I've wondered how much she wants her mom. In her physical weakness, strength that would otherwise go unnoticed or untapped shone through. Her unwavering faith has continued to be medicinal and sustaining for all of us. Even when sick, she still attempted to care for us who drove there to help her. Holding her down is not an easy task! The treatments were (and are) brutal and she makes the most of her windows of "good days" (including a trip up here to STL for Thanksgiving). I mean, look at how GOOD she looks on treatment days?! I'd go dragging in to that long day with my comfies on, but not Peg. She always matches and is always so put together when she leaves the house. She would not be caught dead in some of the things I wear to the grocery store (so please never show her any pictures if you catch me out).
Because of another stark realization of the fragility of life, this Mother's Day is even more special. Here are a few pictures of her doing what she does best:
Today also reminds me to not only care for my own mother, but let other women who have served a nurturing role know that I appreciate them. I honor them. I value them. I see them and watch them even when I don't let them know.
I'm also appreciative of those Southern mothers who truly served as a mother when I was away from mine in a time where mothers "mothered" each others' children. I remember fondly watching how easy the following Southern mamas made being a mom look (while we know it wasn't especially with me at your house): Mrs. Donna, Mrs. Bonnie, Mrs. Alice, Mrs. Dolores.
I've learned so much from my own mother (and sister) as I watched them "mother." I've also learned how to be a mother by watching dear friends care for their children while balancing marriages or singleness and maintaining friendships.
Some of us dream of being a mother and always have, yet we have no children to call our own or to tuck in at night. In that is pain. I'm having a glass of wine right now and cheers! to us. Our time will come, and we will be more ready because of the path that our motherly friends have made for us. In the meantime, we embrace our own path and raise a glass to motherhood whether it be by body or by heart.
I'm leaving you with some pictures of my own mom because who can get enough of her sweet face? I'm also including pictures of some spiritual mothers - some are younger and some are older than me. I also have so many friends who I've watched become mothers and are totally rocking their role.
Happy Mother's Day to whatever kind of mother you are!
Danielle
