Happy Mother's Day!

Today is Mother’s Day. Today is the first time I’ve really somewhat “gotten it.”

I look at the holiday differently. First of all, it’s much more personal. As I tuck money away and pay off debts in order to prepare for a future adoption, it makes me wonder if there is already a child out there who will call my house “home” and call me by the most important name in the world, “Mommy,” in the future. How is she celebrating with her birth mother today? Does she have a mother? What trauma may she face before we meet? This year, my heart has changed as has my perspective, making this day different than any other Mother’s Day in the past.  Many different faces pop into my mind this year—friends who are new moms, my own mother, my sister, adoptive and foster parents from The Village, facebook friends who have welcomed me into their adoptive communities, friends dealing with infertility, friends who lost their mothers this year, famous fierce mothers from the past, and those who have given up being a mother physically in order to “mother” so many others.

Recently while on a trip home to Mississippi, I looked back into my senior memory book. Where it asked what I’d be doing in ten years I had written “Married with 2 kids working as a medical technologist in a hospital.” Well, in 2004 that ten year marker came and went, with me being in CA single with no kids. It wasn’t a big deal in 2004 as I was in a serious relationship headed to what I thought was marriage. The relationship ended. A year passed. Another year passed. Another year passed. Another five years passed. I’m still single. I’m still not a mother. I’ve grieved dreams and expectations and kissed them good-bye.

It could be sad, but it’s not. Don’t get me wrong—on many occasions I have been completed devastated and disappointed. With my “human eyes,” I have had countless experiences of watching others obtain MY dream, some of which I felt were undeserving. That perspective was accompanied by feelings of confusion, doubt, and envy.

So many times, I was reminded of the verse Isaiah 55:8:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
 neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

 If I look around with my “human eyes,” I’ll always see disappointment. My heart will harden from envy or disappointment. My faith will weaken as I second guess. I will miss so many opportunities along the way that are building me for a dream fulfilled.  I just cannot understand. His ways are not my ways. His dreams for my life are so much bigger than what I can imagine for my own. Thank goodness, right, because hindsight is 20/20—especially when it comes to men. (sorry, guys)

Had I gotten anywhere close to the goal set at that time I completed that memory book, I would not be anywhere near the mother I will be one day. I’m sure I’d be happy and complacent. Complacent is a word that I never want to be active in my vocabulary when I describe my own life. As I’ve dealt with the unexpected and the disappointments over the years, I’ve gotten closer and closer to God’s heart. He has sent me to Mexico, Guatemala, and South Africa and has shown me glimpses into his heart for the orphaned. I’ve felt in the most miniscule way the heartbreak he feels for children. Hints of my destiny or my “own story” have been revealed along the way—small snippets that lead me into total surrender to a greater plan and desire for more. My heart has opened to the possibility of fostering to adopt, if that’s the plan (who knows?!?!). My dream of adoption that I had as a child has moved to the forefront and within the plane of reality. My heart has connected in a special way to so many others who have adopted/fostered or are in the process. My “mother’s heart” is growing exponentially, sometimes to the point of bursting.

Today is a reminder that I am not a mother as I thought I’d be by this time in my life. Better yet, it is a reminder that I’m not writing my story, God is, and the best is yet to come.

Happy Mother’s Day to my mom and sister—shining role models of patience and sacrifice. I have big shoes to fill. 

 

Me + Mom

 Me + my sister

Happy Mother’s Day to those who mourn on this day—the loss of a mother or a child, a miscarriage, or the motherless.

Happy Mother’s Day to my parents at Cornerstone, Haven of Hope, and elsewhere that mother children with special needs. You love fiercely. You humble me. It’s an honor to walk along beside you and help in any capacity that I can. You are my heroes. 

Happy Mother’s Day to the single moms who don’t have a significant other to give you a break and bestow little gifts on behalf of your children—your strength and courage sets an example that I hope I can follow should that be part of my story. 

Happy Mother’s Day to those in waiting, like me, with a mother’s heart.