My "White" perspective, a limited perspective

As with several other Americans, the Trayvon Martin case is still weighing heavily on my heart. I know several who have moved on and just don’t want to hear “Trayvon Martin” or “Zimmerman.” For me, I feel that this conversation among Americans is long overdue. I used to be one that would proudly proclaim “this is not about race” or “don’t turn this into race” because I did grow up in a place where racial issues were rampant and superimposed. People looked at Mississippi like the plague, ignoring their own silent prejudices. We were working through it while supervised through the microscopic lens of media and opinion. You can see my post tenaciously protecting my beloved home state HERE. We just get so sick of the word “race” being overused. 

Today, though, as one of those people who previously proclaimed avoidance of race, I stand here seeing that it IS still an issue. I never realized it as much because I tried to be open-minded and surround myself with people who love all races and embrace each one equally. Once I stepped outside of this bubble, my perspective began to change. Revelations of my own hidden prejudices surfaced, and I began to see some very covert prejudices in others. It’s now very personal to me being in an interracial relationship and dreaming of adopting a black boy. If you don’t think there’s still racism, look into adoption. Guess which ones are the least likely to be adopted? Black boys. Guess which ones come with an obligatory “warning?” Black boys. Guess which ones have, in the past, had lower adoption fees? Black boys. These are CHILDREN! Guess which ones are the most desired? White. When you look, it is blatant. I consider myself fairly open-minded, but it takes years to pick out all of the soul’s impurities and work to address them and I don’t think we ever eliminate them all. How did I discover this when I’ve worked so hard toward the plight of the minority? When I’ve had conversations including apologies with races that I’ve previously stereotyped? I’m “great” compared to many others. It stems from buried fear. I’ve eluded to issues I have encountered in the past with harassment and reverse prejudice growing up from some young black males. I thought I had recognized it and moved past it, until in the midst of rallying for Trayvon Martin, did I realize that had I been walking in that neighborhood at night, I may have chosen to cross the street and walk on the other side. Ouch. Fear bubbles up, still. Now being a woman who is cautious is one thing, don’t get me wrong. I never put myself in compromising situations when possible. But, just to entertain this thought was enough to realize I still have issues to continue to work through. 

Seriously, the Cheerios commercial that aired in May is enough to convince one that racism is prevalent. Surely, you’ve seen it but if not, watch HERE. I loved the children’s take on it when a group showed them the commercial to see what their reactions would be. Please watch it HERE. It’s evident. They learn what we teach them. I see them as the pure-hearted children that then, because of us, grow up to be the hate-filled adults that cause the comments section of YouTube to be shut down. 

I realized that although I try to be cognizant of my actions and thoughts and however present I may be in them, I will never know what it is like to experience the world through darker skin. I can’t, therefore, I cannot and MUST not speak on behalf of them. While I argued that so many situations were NOT because of race, I spoke through my own perspective which is limited at best. Now, these issues affect me directly as I choose to marry and adopt men with darker skin into my family. I cannot fully understand because a privilege comes attached to me that I can’t even see or recognize, that I never asked for. I have come to realize this when I recycle in Santa Ana.  I can relate to the efforts of recycling when I’m surrounded by others but I can’t relate to their experiences. The majority of the recyclers I’m surrounded by are Latino. They are not here, like me, to build a community because I choose to. Many rely on this source of income. I stood next to one man in line waiting for the disbursement. I see him each time I am there. He rolls his recycling to the center in a grocery cart. He doesn’t drive a car, ever. He had a very kind face filled with age. Each line I’m sure tells a story of hardship and hopefully triumph.  His smile was warm and comforting and brought me to tears wondering of the details of his life. I know that if we were side by side, I would be given the benefit of the doubt in many situations. Because of my merit? No. 

I’ve prayed earnestly to have impurities, biases, and prejudices brought to surface as much as possible NOW before my road down as a trans-racial family begins.  I want to be the best that I can be. Children learn what they live. They love who we love. They hate what, and God forbid who, we hate. They become who we define them to be. 

Do you need to ask that some hidden fears or assumptions be brought to surface?

Maybe before speaking on behalf of a race either way, we sit back as Caucasians and listen and let them speak for themselves. 

Model love well,

Danielle

Will I still adopt?

Lately, especially after posting the love story, I’ve gotten two questions fairly equally: 

When is he coming?

Are you still going to adopt?

I’m always surprised by the 2^nd question.  Sometimes my face contorts into this awful “WT…” expression before I can sweetly smile and mutter, “Of course!” As a good Southern girl, I never say “I’m recycling S@#& for fun!” or “The whole ‘recycle for adoption’ project was a whim!” If you have asked me these questions, please do not feel badly! I appreciate a continued conversation and you choosing to be part of this journey. However, I felt like I should clarify the intent behind the adoption process AND make sure you know that your diligent saving of recyclables is not in vain and I do not now plan to spend that money on something else.

Adoption has never been a backup plan for me “in case I’m single forever.”  It was not a choice made out of necessity. When I made a decision to make plans for adoption as a single, I was very intentional. There were still ways that I could have a baby biologically. There was still hope of marriage. But, for me, it was my plan all along and I felt the prompting to start building the foundation in obedience to a dream I’ve carried since childhood and to the move of the Spirit. Some child in need out there is my first choice [even if life means it comes into my home 2^nd] despite my own personal circumstances and desires.

I love children. I must, right, I work with them HOURS upon HOURS per week. It never gets old [well, ok sometimes one needs a mini Starbucks break] but my heart is with children, children who often experience some type of brokenness. I’ve always wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember.  My heart has always broken for ones that got a rougher plight in life. Lately, I’ve found more courage to deviate from the norm and own what I feel in saying that my ovaries don’t dance and become restless when I hold a baby. There’s a mother’s instinct in me that becomes excited and awakened.  But, I don’t initially dream of the big belly, late night feedings, a child with my nose/eyes/hair, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I don’t think of or want those things. Let me tell you though, NOTHING shakes my soul and the mother inside me like seeing a child in foster care. The emotions well up and I’m fully aware that THIS is a definite stop on my journey to motherhood as God wrote it for me. There is no denying it. It is literally a physiological response. I love seeing mommies with their babies and toddlers. It always makes me smile to watch the unique ways mothers bond. I passed by a room at work and saw a young mother interacting with a child that she that she is in the process of adopting and I just stopped in my tracks. Tears quickly came as I stood there [which later developed into full blown ugly cry of happiness]. This moment was sacred so much that I felt intrusive. It was a rare sight of Heaven meeting Earth. It was witnessing a small step in a path of redemption—two lives filled with heartache and brokenness meshing into 1 family to put the pieces together in a beautiful and unique way. Even now, tears pour just remembering this site and the tangible feeling of love. This makes my world go ‘round in a different way than seeing the aisles of “stuff” at Babies R Us. All of us as women are different. There’s not one right feeling for everyone but we each know our own “right.”  Definitely, the situation with Luba, “the boy” starring in the post, has opened a door to certain kids that could be welcomed into a home and parented “better” than others. 

So, an emphatic YES is the answer to that 2^nd question!

The follow-up question when I give that yes is: 

Don’t you want to have your own?

I’ve answered this a couple times just this week. My answer is always “But when I do adopt, they will be my own.” Adoption is a new ballgame to most people so they don’t know the rules and terminology so all of us on the journey must practice grace. All of these people who have asked are the sweetest, most concerned friends, friends that will be there to help in any way possible. I know this. I learned myself when I started this journey lingo that I never knew existed. I learned ways to offend families unknowingly out of good intent. We’ve all been there (including me) but we learn together and we continually practice grace. My friend, April Diaz, wrote an honest post on what it feels like to get that question. Check it out HERE. 

If it works out [can you hear that “tick tock?”], I would love a biological child as well, for a lot of reasons. I’d love to see what he or she would look like, if “she” would have crazy hair for poofs, etc. [Dear Jesus, please give him or her Luba's laidbackness or just maybe a "bit" of it because I can only survive one ME]

So, those are my answers. Remember how this society celebrates sameness? It makes it hard to come out and say “I feel different from the rest and it is OK!” I have that courage, and I hope that you do too. Maybe you don’t even want children. Know that, that is OK too.

Be bold,

Danielle 

Shorty 2013 FAQs

Hi guys!

I just wanted to touch base to address a few questions I've gotten lately about "Shorty," in light of my own personal developments....

I am still recycling! 

Yes, I still plan to adopt!

No matter what happens personally, my commitment to Shorty remains one thing with which I have 100% certainty. Timing is unknown but I'm continuing to take steps toward adoption. It has always been a dream in my heart and continues to be now, more than ever. 

Please continue to collect recycling. I've sort of narrowed items down based on the experience and space in the garage and car! I'm collecting and taking plastic soda/water bottles no matter what size, glass, and aluminum cans. I'm no longer taking milk jugs and plastics like shampoo bottles, soap containers, etc. The big ticket items of course are the plastic CA CRV bottles and aluminum cans.

So far, Shorty has $2295 in the account!

Here is where Shorty is on the chart my friend Amanda made me (Ultimate goal, if international: $25,000)

Thank you for your continued efforts and support! It means so much and I'm overwhelmed by this community. As a continually recovering neat freak, I KNOW how annoying it is to see it accumulate in the garage or how easy it'd be to just toss "that one.." Although it may seem trivial being just recycling, there's no "just" when it comes to tangible support and encouragement. Each bottle or can sends a message. Each "transfer of the goods" sends a message.

What can you do for Shorty in 2013, you ask?

Here are a few ways:

• Save your water bottles, aluminum cans, and glass ware (beer bottles, spaghetti sauce jars, baby food jars, etc.)
• Collect recycling at work! Grab that water bottle from your friend who is about to chuck it in the trash...while you are helping Shorty, you are also helping your kids or friends' kids have a more environmentally healthy world -- you may even put a bin at work for collection if you have co-workers that use a lot of water bottles and cans. Feel free to share the blog and this story...we connect through story telling.
• Aluminum cans rack up the most moolah so if you had to collect any one thing from friends or family members, ask them to save their cans 

If you are just tuning in, you can click on some key links in the "About Me" section on the blog to find out why I'm doing this.....or you can ask me when you see me!

Thank you again for what you've done and continue to do!

Grateful,

Danielle

Orphan Sunday

I write this post with a heavy heart yet completely overwhelmed with gratitude. Today was Orphan Sunday at church, perhaps my favorite day of the year aside from Easter Sunday. We had the most beautiful service that destroyed me in a good way. It was the perfect "last Sunday" before traveling to South Africa.

The statistics can be overwhelming. What I love is as I'm looking at the speaker that is giving statistics and scriptures, I see past him to familiar faces that I know from the Village or elsewhere that have stood in the gap for the faces that represent the easy-to-forget statistics. They've sacrificed so much to have adopted, fostered, or advocated for these children. They have been my heroes who have made themselves available and transparent to answer my questions for my own journey. 

I thought about my own journey and how I do not know the steps, but I know that I am obedient and am walking with purpose. It makes me wonder if my heart is heavier today because "Shorty" is out there already and our stories are being written but have not yet merged. Sometimes I feel crazy but at times, I pray that if "Shorty" IS out there, then he/she is protected and safe as possible at this time and that he/she feels hope that circumstances will change.

As service ended, I checked my phone to see that a family I love dearly had donated to South Africa with the EXACT message I needed to hear at that moment: We love and support you.

After service, I wanted to hide in my car in fear of the "ugly cry" erupting as thoughts from service swirled and emotions stirred. Instead, my cup overflowed more and I had people to see. I met up with a friend who passed on her PECS book for me to share and donate in South Africa. I collected a trunk full of recycling from another friend (and South Africa alum). I grabbed 7-8 requested items to purchase for a child in foster care for Christmas on behalf of my friends who choose to love children in need. As soon as I got in the car, huge tears of joy flooded.

Today, love was tangible. It was heavy. It's not Monday yet but I already have a love hangover.

Thank you for a cup that continually overflows,

Danielle

Another year goes by.....

My birthday was a few weeks ago. [I need not disclose the number.] I had an amazing time thanks to many friends and family. This was an extra special birthday as I’ve seen friends in a new light as they’ve stepped forward to become a special community that has made a “village” for adoption. I’ve wholly become more appreciate of my family away from home. Just the thoughts and admiration of them make me burst with happiness and a smile pops on that hurts my face more than Miss Universe’s must.

Although I got many wonderful and personal gifts (all unnecessary but greatly appreciated), one was given that just took my breath away and made my heart completely blow up. It is a handmade gift from a friend. Because the weight of paying off debts AND saving for adoption is hard to bear (especially when the numbers are large, or equal, in my case), she made a visual (I LOOOOOVE visuals) that would help me track progress toward saving. The left column is in $25 increments. Each time you get $25, you fill in that block. When you reach $250, then you cover another $250 increment on the chart on the right with a jewel. The end goal is $25,000. She gave it to me with $1000 covered as that is about what is in “Shorty’s” account now. She also donated $25 and blocked in the first increment. Awesome right? This reminds me of how far I’ve come and how far I have to go. When filled, it will be dazzling in Shorty’s room, right!??! THANK YOU, AMANDA!!

What is in Shorty’s account right now?  $1308.58

I also have a garage that is constantly overflowing with recycling to take in and more to collect from friends!

I haven’t blogged in a while and have been processing a lot of comments that I’ve heard--some of which are annoying, unbelievably good, and buckled-over laugh inducing.

The annoying? 

At a child’s birthday party, I met a couple with a baby. As they were chatting with another couple, I heard the woman saying, “We moved from XX to XX to be closer to my mother. You just can’t have a baby without your family that close.” [Insert here the sound of steam coming from the teapot mixed with brakes squealing] Now, it doesn’t matter the cities marked by XX but know that it is less than 50 miles to be safe (more like 30). I felt the stab and immediate doubt creep in. Could I do it as a single (if I’m single then)? My family is on the other side of the US. 

Luckily, quickly, I heard the soft internal whisper of “You aren’t her. You are strong. You can do it. I will help you do it.” Of course, the devil in me wanted to yell “Weakling, I bet you don’t take the trash out by yourself.” Yikes, I feel better. It’s hard not to compare—one single income hard-working gal vs. two income very successful parents with family close-by and then one healing child who has encountered more than many adults vs. one clean slate healthy baby. I had to go back and re-read a former blog post of mine.  

I have to remind myself who to listen to as well. I’ve noticed that several of the gals who tell me, “OH MY GOD, having a baby/kid is so expensive!” are the ones who “over-do it” (IMHO) in many cases. Also, many of them are ones with a great double income. I’ve found that my friends who have a meager income and make sacrifices for the children to have cute stuff but keep it real and not “overboard” all say “It’s a budgeting difference—you just change your spending and it isn’t that bad.” What an interesting contrast….that’s a whole ‘nother blog in itself!

The unbelievable?

Well, there is a child at work that I would loooooooooooooooove to have but there are some complicating factors and timing isn’t feeling right. Even though that is its “own” situation, the fact that I have a village is an understatement.  When I even entertained the idea of looking into possibilities of fostering-to-adopt, so many from my village rose up which overwhelmed with me and made me feel at ease for the support I’ll have when the right time comes.  I heard the following (just a few of the many):

“We all think that you can do this. You are the only one that doesn’t know it.”

“I’ll go to social services classes with you to finish your prerequisite obligations so you don’t have to go alone.”

“I can help find clothes. My neighbor has a child the same age”

“We all have things we can give you. Don’t worry about the initial cost.”

I think this helped me to file away the other experience I had. I never said or imagined it to be easy. In fact, I know it will be harder than I can fathom at this point. BUT, I know this has always been in my heart and I know that I’ll make the sacrifices necessary to make sure it happens and that I do it well.

The laugh inducing?

The other question that comes up and recently even flew out of the mouth of a man: [drumroll]

Don’t you think that if you adopt as a single, you will have trouble meeting a man?

Okay first off, “trouble meeting  a man” makes me chuckle. I have not met a good one in QUITE a while for dating purposes. I’m staying optimistic and believing they are/he is out there on a parallel path to mine for now. One day our paths will cross, but OC is not the prime area for networking and meeting possible suitors.

The question makes me chuckle too because I’ve stupidly made decisions in the past to NOT do things I’ve felt I should because they may put me in an inopportune place or time to meet a man. Tsk, tsk, tsk.Hindsight is always 20/20 though, right?

As much as I’ve thought about it in the past, I do not think about it with adoption. I think because I know that God placed this in my heart (long ago) with the desire to start working toward it at this time. I’m not sure when the process will tangibly begin, but I know it will. I’ve been entrusted with this dream so I’m choosing to step out in faith toward a goal. I don’t know all the answers to when, where, and how. I don’t know if someone will come along in the process or after, but I do know that someone will come along.

I know that someone will come along who shares a heart for the orphaned or hurting children and if caring for them means providing them a home, then he will be on board.  

I know that someone will come along who will appreciate my commitment to my faith and pursuit of a God-placed and God-sized dream, and he will be smitten.

So when I think about the men I’ll miss out on because of my choice (to adopt or to have adopted already), I am thankful that I can so easily scratch them off the list from the get-go. There will be no question and no compromise on the act of adoption itself. I will not be able to walk into that trap that so many fall into “With time and lots of love (or cooking), he may change his mind about [insert personal dream here]." I won’t wait 9 months in to the relationship to figure out they don’t actually want to adopt after all. I won’t make excuses for someone else or put my calling and dream aside when I feel distance from him because may be totally on board.  I do not need the kind of man who will shy away from my life, my accomplishments and service, my faith, and my choices. 

So, THANK YOU for your kind words, well wishes, beer bottles, trash, and offers of assistance. None of it went unnoticed, even if I had a flat affect that did not convey my internal clapping and squeals or tears of happiness. 

The magic month + year: December 2013

Since adoption has moved for the forefront of my mind, I’ve been a planning machine. I hate long range planning but with such a goal, it has become more palatable. Each time I'm exhausted and ready to slip, I see a face in my head and am reminded that this hardship is temporary and will be oh-so-worth it.

There are a few goals that I have, and if I’m intentional and expectant, I will conquer them by December 2013:

1) Pay off all debts.

2) Finish my coursework and 1500 hours toward becoming a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA). The exam will be a different story....

3) Begin the paperwork for adoption.

So, feel free to keep those things top in your prayer list, on your mind, in the midst of your karma-sending, whatever it is that you do.

I’m continuing to pad the adoption fund with money gained through recycling and a monthly deposit. My first priority is debt repayment as everything else hinges on that. I’m learning to budget better. I’m enrolled in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University, which was a gift of good timing through NewSong Church. If I really buckle down, repayment by December 2013 is a possibility. If I don’t make it for some reason, I should be paid off within a very short time after that date.

 

Most of you know I work 4 10-hour days with children with disabilities. By Thursday night, I’m burnt toast. I’ve now added Fridays. The extra hours will be beneficial in two ways. For one, they provide the hours to go toward my required 1500 hours. Secondly, all of a “second paycheck” goes toward debt repayment. That makes it easy—no budgeting, no questions, straight to the account. 

Why add a new stress or obligation (BCBA) to an already-full and overflowing plate? I want to be better in serving the families and children with whom I work. Professionals tend to be either Speech or ABA, and since they are so intertwined, I’d love to be both. It would also put me in a handful of people who have these certifications or licensures. Because I already have a M.A. in a related field, I can take 5 additional classes (which I’m doing online through the University of North Texas) and get 1500 supervised hours of experience in behavior-related work. What is a BCBA? Find out here. 

So, if you see me at any time within the next months up to December 2013, I apologize ahead of time for being the walking dead. My memory is already shot. I’m narcoleptic—I’m asleep as soon as I sit down, sometimes before I can roll over and hit the sleep timer. 

I’m so thankful for those of you who continue to support me and my dreams of adoption. Please feel free to direct any comments or words of encouragement to the comments section of the blog. One day, I’ll turn this blog into a book for “Shorty.”

At an Easter brunch with the MOM’s group, we had several stations to show thanks, prayer, etc. One activity was to write a word or draw a picture of something that you are thankful for on a rock. Here’s mine:

 

A passage and verse in particular came to mind:

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:1-3. 

As David, who wrote this, knew:  Waiting is hard but blessings follow. 

You guys are my rock.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Danielle

Project: Redemption

I sit here on Easter, my favorite holiday, in awe of the people that have built a community around me on the pre-adoption journey. I posted a few blogs ago about my village that is living intentionally with me. It continues to grow. I continue to be blessed. People continue to use their gifts to contribute in a variety of ways. God continues to whisper messages of encouragement and has become my biggest cheerleader [with my mother being 2nd].

I'm more humbled because I realize: this is just the beginning.

As I've mentioned before, my first priority is to kick my debt's ass this year. I'm focused. My job is to put every penny I can into that direction. In the meantime, God fills my adoption fund little by little. We're double teaming--as long as I do mine, He does His.

I'm a paycheck to paycheck person sticking everything left over toward debt repayment, most of which is from graduate school. Who knew it'd cost so much to be this smart?!?! I am enrolled in the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University and have been working on a budget, etc. as part of the class. I noticed that last month, I somehow, paid an extra $800 toward my debt in addition to my usual $1200 payment. How'd that happen?!?! I do remember saying a VERY lengthy prayer begging that my money be stretched in a way that is unfathomable to me. Maybe God answered that one before the short one begging to win the lottery. Everything seemed to be going along in line with my financial "norm." Anyway, noticing that error felt good ,and I was accidentally one step closer.

How is recycling going, you ask? So far, it has added $166.99 to the fund since the end of January. Along with gifts and my own monthly contribution, the "Get Shorty" fund has $704.49 in it. All the while, I've been blessed and confirmed in random ways.

One incident (that I know isn't merely coincidence) that stuck out was a friend's contribution of two LARGE bags of plastic bottles and aluminum cans. One was so big that it wouldn't even fit in the trunk. After I left recycling and went to brunch on Friday, I saw and thanked this friend again for the two bags. She said that her husband brought one of the bags home. At work, someone was loading his truck and could not fit everything in and asked her husband if he could leave the bag of recycling there for him to deal with. That bag, along with another bag she brought, were the two that put me over the edge for money earned that day.





I've loved this project for so many reasons. It has been humorous as I've made my way to the recycling center in Santa Ana weekly during the morning commute traffic on the 55S on Friday mornings. I can feel the stares of the people in the cars beside me as I dare not look anywhere but straight ahead. This past Friday was the best. I had my back seat full, my trunk so full that I had to sit on it to close it, and my passenger seat full with 3 bags. My purse had to sit in my lap between my person and the steering wheel because there was no room....anywhere! I drove through Chick-fil-A for a burrito and ate it en route to the recycling center. I'm sure the man in the truck next to me on the on-ramp thought I was a pig AND a hoarder.

the backseat


the front seat

Again, thank you everyone for your contributions whether it be recycling, donations, words of encouragement, advice, or connections with another person.

Love, Danielle