Loving the single in your life....

So, this blog has been on my heart longer than any other. It stems from a range of emotions, most of which have been pain and disappointment. Looking at my journal, it dates back to November when I finally put thoughts onto paper, thoughts that have been swirling for many months prior. 

So many times I wanted to write, but I worried about what my married friends would think. Shame crept in. Guilt for being "needy" eclipsed my heart. Should I say these things? Am I selfish? As I listen to more and more single women at various stages, I know I have one thing that many lack…the balls courage to say it.

This world celebrates sameness. I feel it in my own relationships and struggles. The homosexual community feels it. The single moms feel it. The single dads feel it. The interracial families feel it. The 40-something single feels it. We all know how best to react to "sames" and “marrieds” or “marrieds with children.” Single is cool until you hit ~35, the time when safely most of your friends are married, many of which have kids. You are too old for the church’s single adults group. You can’t join your friends in their couples small group. You yearn for companionship when friends are on “date nights.” You want to push yourself forward to keep up when you really may feel like slowing down. The simple truth: no one knows what to do with you.  Everyone is celebrating sameness while you are wondering where “different” fits in neatly. it bubbles up everywhere from not being able to wear a certain dress because you have noone around to zip it up to not wanting to hang out with a group of friends because you will be the only single trying to navigate the conversations on partnerships, kids, etc. Nothing is wrong with you. You know this is where God wants or needs you to be right now, but you know that others [in church and out] don’t know how to respond.  I’ve been there. I’ve been there for sooooo long—WAY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY longer than I ever imagined. While I am not there for much longer in that "phase" [blog post to explain that coming soon], I stand with you. My heart is with you. I will speak for you. I KNOW this is one reason why I was single for so long. My heart aches for you. Most importantly, I see you and I celebrate you. You are courageous and bold. Not many could walk so triumphantly in your shoes.

I hope I can speak for some of my sisters in this post.  Women who are happy but single, women who are sad but single, women who are courageous to WAIT and are therefore single, women who have a higher purpose to serve God first and are single, women who are divorced and single, women who have made mistakes but trudge on single, women who defy “sameness” whether they wish to or not. Women who have no desire for marriage and/or kids and are single.

Being in this “often awkward” phase has made me look at a lot of things differently, friendship included. I’ve come to classify friends as “willing to see me on Friday/Saturday” a.k.a. true friends and “those who don’t.” I’ve actually let a lot of “see you on the weeknights” friends go. Right or wrong, I’m not sure. Nothing has been more hurtful than a married friend that has only agreed to hang out on weeknights because she spends weekends with family. Well, guess what?!?! Just because I’m single does not mean that I don’t also have equally important things to do. When you never offer me weekends, I hear “your life is less than mine so let’s work out the schedule according to what is convenient for me and my family.” Yeah, I get it that many responsibilities come with families but I have several friends that prioritize friendships and nurture those on weekends when it is mutually beneficial. Friends are gifts. I think it’s healthy and please hold me to that when I have a family. 

Despite roles and children and spouses, we are all essentially women. Why can’t we come together and connect as who we are? The rest is adornment and roles and obligations. They do not take the place of who we are. We nurture one another. We support one another. We need one another.

I was thinking of ways for others to love the single woman in your life. These are things that I wish had happened to me more and some things that have been placed on my  heart from observations and divine conversations:

• Send a Mother's Day card to the single mom. There's no "Dad" to orchestrate Mother's Day celebrations. Elaborate on her superhero-ism. Imagine YOU doing all that you do with no help from your husband, family, etc. The way you dread that business trip your husband goes on because it leaves all the work to YOU? She does this everyday. She has no choice. She doesn't complain.
• Listen to your single friend drag on about all the bad dates she has been on without telling her she is too picky or giving advice. We are our own worst critics....but sometimes we just need an ear. We don't have a boyfriend or husband to listen [or pretend to listen] so we could use you and a glass bottle of wine. 
• Invite a single to have lunch with you after church. Insist, even. Even if we decline, we are so thankful that someone "saw" us. We regularly go unnoticed but too often avoided. 
• Have your S.O./husband do something that "men" do like an oil change. Let me tell you. I HATE getting my oil changed. Because I'm short on time, I go to those quickie places that try to sell my everything under the sun. I can be bitchy forthright but they still overpower me each time trying to sell me into replacing every kind of filter I have never heard of. Each time, I lie. Yep, I lie. You heard that Jesus. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE. I always add a "Let me write that down and have my husband/father/boyfriend/brother check that" along with my look of concern. I hate it. The one thing I cherish most about a future marriage? The man getting the oil change. Period. Ask her if anything needs to be done at her house and offer your man. You can drink wine and listen while he changes that hard-to-reach lightbulb.
• Another no-man's land? Weddings. It soooo sucks to be one of the last few singles at a wedding. There's no more torture than this. [note to self in wedding planning....] For the love of Moses, have your man/date bring back a drink for y'all AND the single. We have to watch love marry, sit among love at the table during dinner, watch love slow dance...just get us another drink to survive.  
• Invite the single over for dinner. Just because we do not yet have our own marriage, that does not mean we can't appreciate and learn from yours. So many dreams I have for my marriage and family I have learned from watching successful friends.

These are just a few ideas that came to mind. I'm sure you can think of many more, better ones. Think of one thing you'd hate to do on your own without your husband's help and then consider that the single does this all the time, or has to pay for it. 

I know sometimes you are tired of hearing the same date #1 story time after time after time. But, listen anyway. Listen with the same love we showed you as you described your bloody areolas and your home remedies of laying frozen pea bags on your boobs for comfort. Despite the stage, condition, woes, we are all women, right? We are all trying to navigate womanhood as best we can? Let's be an ear and shoulder for one another.

Single gals? Comment below if you have additional ways you want to be loved.

[Marrieds, when I'm married, I'll make an argument for loving the married too but I ain't got that material yet....] 

Let's just do "woman" better.

With one foot in single and one foot in married,

Danielle

Project: Redemption

I sit here on Easter, my favorite holiday, in awe of the people that have built a community around me on the pre-adoption journey. I posted a few blogs ago about my village that is living intentionally with me. It continues to grow. I continue to be blessed. People continue to use their gifts to contribute in a variety of ways. God continues to whisper messages of encouragement and has become my biggest cheerleader [with my mother being 2nd].

I'm more humbled because I realize: this is just the beginning.

As I've mentioned before, my first priority is to kick my debt's ass this year. I'm focused. My job is to put every penny I can into that direction. In the meantime, God fills my adoption fund little by little. We're double teaming--as long as I do mine, He does His.

I'm a paycheck to paycheck person sticking everything left over toward debt repayment, most of which is from graduate school. Who knew it'd cost so much to be this smart?!?! I am enrolled in the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University and have been working on a budget, etc. as part of the class. I noticed that last month, I somehow, paid an extra $800 toward my debt in addition to my usual $1200 payment. How'd that happen?!?! I do remember saying a VERY lengthy prayer begging that my money be stretched in a way that is unfathomable to me. Maybe God answered that one before the short one begging to win the lottery. Everything seemed to be going along in line with my financial "norm." Anyway, noticing that error felt good ,and I was accidentally one step closer.

How is recycling going, you ask? So far, it has added $166.99 to the fund since the end of January. Along with gifts and my own monthly contribution, the "Get Shorty" fund has $704.49 in it. All the while, I've been blessed and confirmed in random ways.

One incident (that I know isn't merely coincidence) that stuck out was a friend's contribution of two LARGE bags of plastic bottles and aluminum cans. One was so big that it wouldn't even fit in the trunk. After I left recycling and went to brunch on Friday, I saw and thanked this friend again for the two bags. She said that her husband brought one of the bags home. At work, someone was loading his truck and could not fit everything in and asked her husband if he could leave the bag of recycling there for him to deal with. That bag, along with another bag she brought, were the two that put me over the edge for money earned that day.





I've loved this project for so many reasons. It has been humorous as I've made my way to the recycling center in Santa Ana weekly during the morning commute traffic on the 55S on Friday mornings. I can feel the stares of the people in the cars beside me as I dare not look anywhere but straight ahead. This past Friday was the best. I had my back seat full, my trunk so full that I had to sit on it to close it, and my passenger seat full with 3 bags. My purse had to sit in my lap between my person and the steering wheel because there was no room....anywhere! I drove through Chick-fil-A for a burrito and ate it en route to the recycling center. I'm sure the man in the truck next to me on the on-ramp thought I was a pig AND a hoarder.

the backseat


the front seat

Again, thank you everyone for your contributions whether it be recycling, donations, words of encouragement, advice, or connections with another person.

Love, Danielle

Following

Sitting back basking in the chaos that has ensued since making the decision to lay the foundation for an adoption, I realize I’m actively pursuing another one of my infamous “I nevers.”

I’ll never be a single mom (by choice).

This realization made me think back on all of my other “I nevers” that have brought me to this point in my journey. Even though I grew up in church, it made me realize that I’ve found my own faith and have rediscovered Jesus among those “nevers.” I grew up in church as a child attending every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night. I am very thankful that my mother took me although I moaned and groaned most of the time. This foundation has been invaluable in molding me and preparing me for later in life. 

One song that always takes me back to my childhood in church is “I Have Decided (to follow Jesus).” It was always sung during the invitation (for the non-church-goers, this is the time at the end of the sermon that you can go forward to “accept Jesus” or “be saved”). For me, I was always bored with the staunch performance and my stomach would inevitably begin to wail in anticipation for the roast I knew would be near-perfect in the oven at home. Many Southerners have roast as a Sunday lunch (“dinner” as we call it because “supper” is at night). This song indicated the near conclusion of Sunday services and the transition to the rest of my day. It really meant nothing to me other than being a temporal marker. 

As I’ve indicated in previous posts, church became too "boring" and I began to think too differently so I gave it up the first chance I got. Immediately my mind was set. Who needs it? I, in my heart, knew what I wanted my “religion” to look like and had my ideas of who God is but unfortunately it didn’t align with any churches I'd attended at that time. In my occasional frequent opinionated way, I designed my life in accordance with what I planned to do and my list of “I nevers.” Off I went.....

Insert the sound of a car braking or the record player scratching. Note to self: Watch what you say.

Unbeknownst to me, my life would soon take a different course.

All of the following “I nevers” were intricately worked into my timeline:

· I’ll never move to California

· I’ll never support illegal immigrants

· I’ll never work with children with Autism

· I’ll never date outside my race

· I’ll never go to Africa

·  
I’ll never be a single mom (unless of course I leave my husband because he cheats and I’ll take all the money with me)

Here's how it all went down:

I moved to California—Hollywood to be exact. I loved it. I was enamored by the melting pot. I loved (and still do) the city itself.

I got a job in Pasadena with the most impoverished children from immigrant families. I fell in love with them. I was humbled. I spent hours listening to their stories. 

I work in Autism and love it. It’s my niche. I love that every child is different. I love being challenged to find the way “in.”

I learned about my own “stuff” as I dated other cultures.

I’m absolutely head-over-heels in love with Africa and would go as often as I could every year—boss-willing and if I had the cash. I’ve only had a taste (South Africa x 5) but cannot wait to discover more. It’s a magical place. 

With each journey, God/Jesus revealed more and more about himself and exposed more and more about myself. The God I met was the one I imagined him to be. No longer did I envision a judgmental being of whom I should fear. I saw many aspects of his personality including love, patience, joy, pride, jealousy, sadness, and humor (he must’ve laughed each time he took note of my passionately saying “I never”). I decided at that time that I was for sure “won over.” I would follow because His plan had been so much better than mine. What an adventure and there’s so much more! It also means following His plan for me although it may not be the most popular, even among Christians, which brings me to another one of my “nevers” being confronted.

I will pursue adoption – even if it means being a single mom by choice.

My first country of choice for international adoption? Africa.

Through this current journey, God has added new vocabulary words that I never knew I'd know such as:

• Hague
• home study
• PAP (no, not as in a smear)
• transracial
• dossier
• pro per (propria persona)
• moratorium

Just thinking through all those “I nevers” that God turned in to “I have” or “I will” makes my heart flutter. I no longer even say “I never” – well, other than “I’ll never win the mega million lotto” but so far that strategy hasn’t worked. 

Want to know what song now grips my heart and reminds me of the path I’ve charted even though others may not "go with me" or agree? Yep, you got it. That boring old hymn we sang when I was young—“I Have Decided.” However, Selah has a version that fits perfectly. Listen to it here. I think you’ll be able to figure out how like me, it has been revamped and just right for my journey.

I just read "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" for the first time. We used to watch the movie in the library on rainy days in elementary school, but the message never came as clearly as this time when I read it. It reminded me of my perspective of the God I've discovered in the "nevers" and the one who has taken me on an adventure (though not always easy or fun). One of my (many) favorite parts is when Lucy asks Mrs. Beaver about Aslan. Mrs. Beaver says that "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly." Lucy asks, "Then he isn't safe?" to which Mr. Beaver replies, "Safe? Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Cause he isn't safe. But he's good."

Love,

Danielle

It is time....

So many of you have asked…What are your plans? What is this glow that you have about? What’s the latest with your adoption dream? Well, this post should answer those questions and more importantly let you know how you can be a part of it.

For a background, please click here for the post that explains why I didn’t move to Austin and about the beginning of actively praying for a child in need.

Why adoption?

I’ve walked around with a heavily weighted heart for orphans for years and stayed within the “one day” state of mind. On November 6, 2011 at NewSong, we had Orphan Sunday. Several adoptive families went up on stage to dedicate their children who have “come home.” It was a beautiful celebration with tears of joy but also with tears of sadness. These families are truly my heroes. So many already have “the perfect” biological family but have chosen to further open their hearts to love the orphaned through foster or adoption. On that Sunday, I prayed for a child that needs/will need a home and would be mine. I’m not sure if he/she is born yet or what his/her current circumstances are but I prayed that God would prepare our lives to one day meet. This was step one of the process.

I’ve always wanted to adopt, from a young age, and I’m not sure how I came to want that because I knew no one that had adopted. I was also not accustomed to seeing multiracial families. It was when I went to Guatemala and South Africa and visited orphanages that it solidified in my heart and made sense. This is just who I am and the seed was planted from early on.

I want the family I dreamed of with a as-close-to-perfect-as-you-can-get-and-still-be-normal husband, me, and kids of our own along with adopted children. Until now, that hasn’t been in the cards for me. In a perfect world, I’d have that prior to initiating this whole process but we don’t live in a perfect world, do we? If we did, this post would be unnecessary and adoption would not even exist. I never wanted to settle down early because I wanted to be successful and independent as a woman first and have some dreams put to rest before having children. Unfortunately, this leaves me, along with many other women in their 30s, with limited options in the man department. Having been single and “in waiting” and still holding out hope for the one that God intends me to have, I know the loneliness of being alone and feeling like the one last chosen to be on the kickball team in elementary school. I feel like in a similar but different and very very small way, I feel the same as many children out there in need of a home. We both ache for different reasons but both long for a family and someone to be on “our team” for good. More on that can be found on this blog post.

Since that time, I’ve been busy researching blogs of women who’ve charted the path of adoption as a single, interviewed single moms on their juggling and budgeting skills, started a specific savings account for adoption, and have attended adoption meetings through international agencies and Orange County Social Services. There was a lot of “safe” action going on in the name of preparation for that “one day.”

In the past few weeks, I feel this urging and voice that says “it’s time.”

It feels that the dialogue is continually this:

God: It’s time

Me: “One day”

God: It’s time

Me: I’m prepping

God: Put feet on it. It’s time. Create a space and I’ll fill it.

This moves me out of my comfort zone and prompts me to action. It feels like when you are a kid and you go on the high dive for the first time. You stand at the edge that moves with your weight and stare down at the water. I’ve been standing there a long time.

The themes that come to mind are:

Be intentional.

Be expectant.

I’ve been fortunate to have such a supportive community and thank those of you who have offered countless words of encouragement or who have attended meetings with me so I’m not sitting alone among couples.

I appreciate any words of encouragement or advice in planning. Please do refrain from saying things like the following—phrases which I’m more than capable of telling myself:

• Having a child is hard.
• Raising a child is expensive.
• It's hard without a husband/I fall apart when my husband is on a business trip.
• Are you sure you want to do this?
• That’s a big responsibility.
• You’ll have to change your lifestyle.

I get it. It will be hard, I know. I know that I can’t even fathom how hard it will be until the time comes. I know that it'll be even harder because I'm loving children who no longer trust adults. I know that I’m taking the road less taken. I know I’m putting the “cart before the horse.” I know that I will raise a huge question mark.

But I also love this: It further creates my story—the story that was written for me long ago and it being fulfilled. It opens doors for conversation. It opens doors for healing. It puts me in alignment to being me.

Here are some other things I do know:

I’m strong and I persevere-always.

With being single and having family on the other side of the nation, I haven’t had the luxury of depending on others for help with big-decision making, doing mundane tasks, or just making life easier in the simplest of ways. I know what is like to drive yourself to the ER with a pain level of 10 on the 1-10 scale because no one is available when you need to go. I think this long journey of inconvenience has been great prep for this moment. I’ve learned so much through even the small tasks. One day before a wedding, I tried to get dressed and the dress was new and impossible to button by one’s self because the button holes (2 of the #$%@ things) were cloth and not worn in yet as well as dang hard to reach without rubber arms. The inability to simply get dressed for yet another person’s wedding caused a mini-meltdown. I was determined to do this and after 30-45 minutes of sweating off my make-up, shouting expletives at the top of my lungs, and cursing singleness for this one day, I buttoned those 2 buttons. I know that it’s a menial task but it was just the tip of the iceberg of bigger things. Besides, this dress made my womanly parts look even womanlier so it was going to this wedding.

I know who I am.

Much to my dismay, I followed friends’ prompts and tried online dating. As I filled out the profile and was forced to think about who I am, I wondered how many married or dating couples are able to describe themselves (in “I” not “we”) at the drop of a hat. It was good practice to remind myself of all that I am. I’ve had many near misses in my past and have had more than 9 lives at this point. I know I’m here for a reason. I’ve always known I’m meant to be a mother—even if not in the most conventional way.

I have a village.

I have the support of family and friends. I’m also walking the journey with others who have adopted at NewSong. I’m surrounding myself with amazing women and mothers through Mom’s group on Friday mornings at NewSong. I have a supportive work environment. I’m great with networking for common denominators.

I am obedient and that obedience will be honored.

I’ve had quite the list of “I’ll never” in my past and each one has come to pass. I think God must have written each one on a post-it note and dropped it down in my timeline at random times while he sat back to enjoy the show. With each one that has come to pass, I feel like he reminds me “My plan is so much better than your plan.” This has been tried and true so I know it’ll continue. One “I’ll never,” has been to never adopt domestically because of the fear and reality of reunification of the child with the birth family. I said I’d only adopt internationally which has been my heart’s desire for as long as I can remember. Now, I’m open to both and am obedient. I know the right situation will present itself and it will work out.

I know that God will provide.

God’ heart is adoption. God has a special place for children and he not asks but demands that we care for the orphans. I have no doubt that with some adjustments on my part, we will be okay.

So, big breath. That’s where I’m at.

Now, how can you be involved?

An African proverb (supposedly African) says “It takes a village to raise a child.” It also takes a village to bring one home.

Want to know some tangible ways you can be the Village right now?

Here are a few easy ones I’ve thought of:

1. Recycle: If you'll save your bottles and pass them on to me, then I'll recycle and put that money into the savings account. I've found that when I save up for months, I barely make enough to buy a latte. I just feel better about taking care of the environment and doing my part. If we think like a village, and put all of the recycling together, so much more can go toward bringing a child home or providing a safe home from abuse. If you are willing to donate recyclables (bottles, juice and water jugs, ink cartridges, beer and wine bottles), then I could pick them up from you when you need or get them at work/church. Free money! You could also watch the village grow by asking your co-workers or students (for teachers) to put recyclables aside for this. If you are willing to do this, please send me an email.
2. Hire a babysitter-me!: I've decided to practice giving up some fun weekend nights to care for children. Should you need a babysitter, let me know! You can message me for rates and specifics. All money will go to the adoption savings fund.
3. Pray: you can email me for a list of specifics

This blog was long. This process will be long. I've designated 2012 as the year to pay off as much debt as humanly possible and to prepare. I'll start the application process in early 2013. Thank you for reading, hoping, praying, dreaming with me, and for possibly becoming involved. Please remember to be expectant and be intentional along with me.
Much much love,
Danielle