I’m
sitting here with statements made by people running through my mind like the
credits at the end of a movie– all of them relate to community and the desire
for it, the (urgent) need for it. It’s something I think often because it’s an
area close to my heart – building community and helping others build it.
I was reminded
of it a few weekends ago when Luba and I went to a braai (South African BBQ). There
is a group of South Africans living locally, and we’ve been lucky enough to
meet up with them a few times already. As I was talking with many of them,
conversation yielded a common thread- they missed community, it’s the one thing
missing here. It’s not strictly a South African thing so hold off on your “Well,
America is different” thought. It’s what I remember as a child too. Remember when
you could just show up at someone’s house? If it was dinner time, they would
pull up a chair at the table? You could show up unannounced at the back door? Plans were made spontaneously
– “What are you doing? Oh nothing? Then let’s…….” and then it happened. You
could immediately whip up a soup or casserole for someone sick or who had a
death or tragedy in the family – “I’ll be right over. Give me a few minutes to
bake this casserole” or “I’m stopping by KFC and bringing over a family
meal!”
Yes,
times have changed and things have gotten busier. But how different are things really? What’s holding us back from
having an open door policy to those we love? A year goes by and we see someone
that we love once!
If you
want to go the Christian route, I’d love to. We are called to open our doors. We
are called to take others in. I’ve blogged so much on this before when I planned
for my Bread and Wine group but serving food and eating together is biblical. So
much in the bible occurred over food and fellowship. That can’t be an ancient
ritual.
You want
to get plugged in to community and connect but don’t know anyone? You can’t sit
back and think: I don’t know anyone, Noone has invited me over or asked me to
join their group. Stop twiddling your thumbs and get out there! My motto has
been: COMMUNITY IS WHERE YOU CREATE IT. Find a common denominator if it makes
it easier. Start with a few people. Find a church group. Go to meetup.com. I’m
a die hard introvert. I know that shocks some because I love groups and being
out. However, I fuel up and debrief at home, alone. I’m good for a while and
then I’m ready to get home and charge up solo. Introverts can do this! No one is
asking you to be “on” 24/7.
I started
a book club on meetup in June. I love it. I’ve met the most interesting and
fun women in St. Louis. I love reading so being around other women who are
willing to read and listen to other perspectives energizes me. But, this is not
the only reason I started it. I wanted community and I wanted others to have
(and learn) community. Find it, model it, and launch others to create it.
I recently
had a slump after some bad news. My immediate thought was “if I were still in
California, I would have all my friends with whom I’m comfortable.” I don’t
have them though, physically. I could call them, email, text and they would be
there. I chose to live here, however. I had a choice to make. Would I keep this
to myself and maintain a barrier? Could I be transparent and open up to my
budding friendships and let them in? I went there with one friend. I just
dropped it on her, and she was amazing (as I knew she would be). We have to
choose to “go there” with our friends and break the superficial layers. We are
so unhappy without intimate friendships but we are often the barrier. They can’t
read our minds, we have to say what we feel or need.
With community
comes a responsibility with our words as well. I remember when teams visited
South Africa, I would hear people say well-meaning things to the South
Africans: “I’ll totally hook you up when you come to America,” “you should
visit America – I’ll show you around and take a day off work,” “I’ll hang out
when you come to America,” “there’s a cool restaurant I want to take you to!” When
Luba came, I knew his transition would be easier because he knew so many people
in California already, especially in Orange County (way more than when I moved
there). When he came, it was hard. We met up with some, but it was only a
fraction of those who were most zealous about his moving or just visiting. I’m
not blaming anyone but I do want to make the point clear that we have to be
responsible with our words and promises and it’s something that just isn’t in
my being to do without follow-through. If someone visited from another country
(or state), I would do everything possible to visit at least once. I’m
appreciative of all those who made the trip to hang out, went to dinner with
us, or took him out for a bit. People from smaller communities in the US and
immigrants are maybe more used to community because of regional dynamics so let’s
welcome them into our bigger cities. We can make it much smaller by starting
with inviting them into our homes, our mini comfort zones.
Ready to
get started?
Who can
you invite to dinner? Here’s just a few to get you started!
- Consider the older generation who may not have grandchildren. What a great relationship you can have with “foster grandparents.”
- Find out from your local university if there are international college students here with no family.
- Know a family with children with special needs? Make a simple recipe or get take-out and go to their house! Deliver and eat together.
- Invite over a tired single mom (or dad) – he/she would appreciate grownup talk and a meal that she/he didn’t cook.
- Is someone homebound? Go THERE and bring food (and maybe some flowers to brighten up the environment).
Yes,
this can be easy on you! Have a Friday night open door policy and have easy
meals ready- taco bar, homemade pizza bar, spaghetti. What you make WON’T
MATTER.
It’s
okay if your kids are running around – intergenerational community is so
important.
Get your
kids involved so they can learn hospitality and community – let them make
invitations or help set the table. Then they won't have to "learn" this as an adult. Allow them to come up with an idea of who to
invite. Children can be amazing people-readers – follow their lead.
Recap:
- Community is a choice.
- Community is where you create it.
- Be responsible with and accountable for your words and promises.
- It’s biblical – do it.
- People over logistics- your house is clean enough. Your kid are good. You cook or order takeout like a boss. No one will look around and judge when they are engaged at the table. Trust me.
- Model it and launch others to do the same. When we model our imperfection but willingness to love, we give others permission to do the same.
Love,
Danielle
cooking together!
celebrate mini accomplishments or good news!
