Experience matters

Luba and I just celebrated 2 years married! What a 2 years it has been! As I think of how far we have come and celebrate our individual and collected triumphs, I can't help but to include the difficult parts that made the "highs" even higher. It makes me so thankful for the people who spoke into our lives with such honesty, wisdom, and truth as we were starting out. None of these came with fuzzy romantic feelings. They were hard to hear and harder to process. For them we are so grateful.

Before I got married and before Luba even left South Africa to come, my dad brought up the hardest questions. I swear sometimes it felt like my ears would bleed as he lovingly barraged me with scenario after scenario and numerous "what if, then whats." I knew he spoke truth from experience and love. I knew that much of what he said could become my reality, but I hoped that time would be gentle. I knew that Luba and I chose a difficult path. I'm sure as a parent (of both of us), it was so hard to watch us walk into this marriage. Our older ages, certainty and experiences probably didn't ease much of the pain and worry. We had already faced more challenges (emotionally, logistically) and wrestled over conversations that many don't have until years after marriage. We continued to choose each other and with choosing each other, we chose hardship. We make this choice every day.

Time was not as gentle as I had hoped, and Luba and I did face (and daily face) many of the scenarios presented by my dad plus some that were unexpected. He was right (as usual). He predicted and several came to pass early on. We also had thrown various "what ifs" out amongst ourselves as we discussed our  visa process, his immigration and our marriage. While it didn't make it any easier to go through them, the shock seemed less. As I stood before many giants, I could say "I knew you were coming," and I could more rationally navigate through the problems. I was also ready with scriptures that reminded me of who I am and that I was not alone, and I was ready with the plans that Luba and I had sort forth for those occasions.

Unity also came through experience. Sometimes, I knew my dad had similar experiences and I felt better knowing that I wasn't alone. Other friends who also went through our same visa process were able to say "I know how you feel," "You're not crazy," or the one that helps me the most, "I've been there." I flocked to those with similar stories to feel normal, to feel community, to see that someone makes it through to the other side, and just to walk with someone who genuinely knew similar hardship.

Before my past surgery, I found a group on the internet of survivors. I had a group of people worldwide literally at my fingertips, and all of us struggled with the same rare tumor. We were all at different stages, and I began during my discovery process and am still active after recovery. They couldn't change anything for me, but if I posted, I had so many comments from those who have been there. They could provide words of encouragement from experience. They shared information and resources that had been helpful to them. I'll never forget one of my favorite memories was waking up after surgery to read so many Facebook posts from this group, none of which I had ever met in person. They remembered my surgery. Many posted well wishes before I went under and others posted during so that I would wake up to encouragement. The ones who had already had the surgery gave tips all through my recovery. I could be vulnerable with them and share what I might not have shared with anyone else. They knew how I could feel anywhere along the emotional continuum.

I also appreciated my group in my Financial Peace University (Dave Ramsey) class. So much negative emotion exists in finances. I was able to focus  on financial planning so much more after hearing people in my group share experiences with debt and financial failures and expressed the worry and shame that accompanied. I was able to push shame and embarrassment aside and focus on plans to improve my financial status. We brainstormed together and shared tips. Before this group, it just seemed like I was alone in my struggles moving within a body of everyone who had it made. I was in Orange County, California so while I knew people struggled, people covered it up well with nice clothes and luxury cars. If they had felt so free, I wonder if they would have made different choices without the need to "keep up?"

Experience matters. Three simple words can be so healing and the only words needed in a difficult time, "I've been there." They are truly liberating. They free one to remove all of the extra layers we pile on so that we can address the core issue. circumstances differ but we can empathize in the emotion. Let others know that they we are not alone.

After these experiences in which I relied on others' experiences to help me navigate, I wondered why this doesn't happen more within us as the Church? How good would it feel if a pastor said, "I've wrestled with this same issue" or "I was mad at God for____?" What if that couple that seems so put together every Sunday whose marriage is almost idolized could tell an engaged couple, "There will be times you want to divorce. We almost did." It's almost like people wait until your first huge fight to give you that pat on the back as if you've just been inducted into the club.

How freeing would it be for everyone if we brought what is in our darkness into the light? I'm not saying this goes without discretion. So many people feel isolated and alone as if they are the only ones that feel a certain way. So many suffer in marriages because what is normal feels abnormal because they had been sold a fairytale. A woman doesn't know anyone else who has endured miscarriages or infertility, and so she blames herself. A family struggles post adoption and wonders if they've made a mistake not realizing what comes after the "gotcha" moments.

I love Brene Brown and these words from her sum it all up:

"Imperfections are not inadequacies, they are reminders that we are all in this together."

 

"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make everyday. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."

 

"Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy."

I think Francesca Batistelli's song, "If We're Honest," beautifully sums this up. Does it bring any experience to your mind that you'd share in order to pull someone from the other side? Even if someone isn't there yet, they'll feel less isolated when they do get there - it'll seem more familiar and they'll remember that others have been there.

Truth is harder than a lie

The dark seems safer than the light

And everyone has a heart that loves to hide

I'm a mess and so are you

We've built walls nobody can get through

Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do

Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine

'Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy's waiting on the other side

If we're honest

 

Don't pretend to be something that you're not

Living life afraid of getting caught

There is freedom found when we lay

our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine

'Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy's waiting on the other side

 

 

I'm also posting our pictures below from our anniversary dinner and night out!

 

Share your experience,

Danielle

 

Anniversary dinner: Mango Peruvian, St. Louis

 

 

 

So many times, I just look at this man here and am still amazed on the journey and how he got here. Even last night as he sat on the couch, memories of chats with him while we sat on the same couch in South Africa came to mind. I often can't believe that we are both here, in the same place, and married.

 

 

appetizer special: pork tamal

 



appetizer: langostinos al ajo

 

 

dinner special: steak & shrimp

 

 

dinner special: scallops with rice

 



 

chocolate torte

 

after dinner wine to watch the end of the Blues game!

 

We are here! Settled in St. Louis

We are here!

We arrived last Thursday after 7 hours of straight driving from Oklahoma City to St. Louis. By that time, I was tired of “66” signs, old cars, and seemingly deserted towns. I never felt the need to stop by a “ghost town” because every “historic” “must see” town we stopped in seemed like a ghost town only occupied by the hotels and motels that have been in existence since forever ago. Overall, we drove ~2125 miles and crossed 5 state lines excluding California.  We stopped at historic sites and many “quirky” stops along the way.

Overall, we enjoyed the road trip and simply seeing more of ‘Merica. We hardly had any squabbles (right, Luba?) which has to be great considering we were in the car, tired, “hangry,” and direction-less a few many times. This will be one of the highlights of the marriage I think. I don’t know when we will get this chance again so I’m cherishing all of it – the comfortable and uncomfortable.

Packing up for the trip and slimming down to “must haves” made me appreciate Luba’s sacrifice yet again especially knowing mine was on a much much smaller scale as items could be shipped for an additional cost. The fact that he packed up life into a duffel bag and boarded the plane still overwhelms me.

I’ll be blogging and recapping each day of the trip and posting pictures. I wanted to start, though, by saying a huge THANK YOU to friends and Cornerstone family for sending us off with love. I left feeling so deeply loved and KNOWN. Each person’s words, token of support, or gift spoke clearly on how well I was known and how well my time was spent in California.

We partied with friends right up until the moment we pulled out of the parking lot and started our trip. It was very hard to say those last good-byes, so bittersweet. Hot steamy tears rolled for a long time after departure. I found solace in knowing for most of us, this is not the end.

What have we been doing since we arrived?

We spent the night at my sister’s Thursday night and drove over to “meet our place” Friday. We carried all the items from the car in. FINALLY no more living in the car and packing the trunk nightly. It was so stuffed that it would spring open like a jack-in-the-box at each stop. We brought in HUGE duffel bags stuffed with most of our clothes and all bags including valuables and sensitive files. It looked like moving in/out with each hotel stay. I had only seen our new place through FaceTime and pictures. My sister was kind enough to go view it and work on the local end to make sure we got everything squared away.

Since then, we have spent time with my sister and her family. We get to see THIS live on the weekends:

We have stocked simple items and cleaned and organized. We cleaned. Then, we cleaned some more. Oh, and we are still cleaning and organizing. 

our kitchen with Luba lining all those shelves & drawers

living area - it's a tricky rectangular layout like our Libra Circle address

I love this storage cabinet - it is going to hold ALL of my hosting "stuff"

Thank God for this storage closet

self-explanatory 

hallway leading to bathroom then bedroom

our temporary fancy bed

down sized but doable close space

What! We are so "international" with this barely useful washer/dryer in the kitchen

I am in love with all the tree lined streets - I am already excited for Fall to see these leaves change!

We will post more once our furniture and things arrive (estimated Thursday or Friday). 

We also got Missouri driver licenses and license plates! We LOVE how convenient everything is here. Everyone has been very helpful and the ease of daily errands has been so appreciated.

I start work on May 18 so we have these two weeks to explore our neighborhood and take care of residential errands.

Be on the lookout for additional posts regarding our trip and my good-bye to Cornerstone. I feel that a decade of employment deserves its own post!

I leave you with favorite photos from that last California day.

With love and appreciation,

Danielle 

Big big news!

It’s been quiet, huh? Things have been so busy that I have not had time to blog. I miss those days of early morning dates with myself and the computer. But alas....things have been busy busy busy. 

I wanted to post some big news. No, there’s no pregnancy to report. I know several of you have made special requests for us to make a baby. Some of you are curious to see how cute it would be, being mixed and all, with such beautiful parents. But remember, you can’t put those things back where they came from after you get a good look at the cuteness. Sorry, I'm curious too....but that has to wait.

We are moving!

We are moving to St. Louis next month. I can’t even believe it.

Why? I’m from Mississippi and have been far from family for quite some time. None of my immediate family is “over here.” I realized how quickly things can change in October 2013 when I was informed that my presumed swollen lymph node wasn’t a swollen lymph node. My mom was able to come out for the surgery and the week after, but it was too brief. As we all get older and appreciate time more and more, it was hard to see her go, and I could feel a lot of future thoughts solidify into the present. I’ve witnessed deaths of friends’ family members, some expected and others tragic. I’ve watched friends grieve from babies passing before they even took a breath of this life. If I can help it, I never want to experience these kinds of things alone, isolated from family, should they happen to me or to my family. Luba is far from his family so I want him to have the community he is accustomed to here as much as possible. I also don’t want to experience more “highs” from a distance. I want my nieces and nephews to know me as more than a “visiting aunt.” Things change so quickly – we are thrust from elation to grief and everything in between at any given time. I refuse to live with regrets. I do not want to look back and wish I had been closer.

My sister lives in St. Louis so it will be the best place to start a new adventure. It has great prospects for Luba, and I have options for current work and future endeavors. It will also be a day’s worth of driving to my parents and brother and his kids. We can also meet in the middle at any time for a mini-reunion. Here are a few other “things” that excite us about moving to St. Louis specifically:

 Look at this sweet smile. He loves so well. He's sensitive. He reminds me of my tender spots and he is so conscientious. I

 My sister. OH, my sister! I lived beside her before and loved it. There's nothing worse than the departing flight leaving the city in which she lives. Even if I get a few more "sister dates," then it is worth it. 

 Brady is getting too old. She's growing up and I'm missing it. I missed a lot of my niece and nephews in MS but am thankful I had many years with them before I moved to CA. Moving to STL puts me closer to THIS girl and them in MS. How quickly they grow. Hang on, Brady, we have a lot of catching up to do. I hope you'll  post on the blog again after this debut of yours! We were last together here in one city:

Sigh, we were both so much smaller...

Niko, this little free spirit. He's carefree and enjoys life. It's both maddening and enlightening. Teach me the ways, little "baller." 

Soccer games with these studs. Niece dates with this beauty. I can't even wait....

One of the aspects of my career that drew me to it was the flexibility and ability to relocate, if needbe. Some ask, “What if your sister moves?” My answer is “What if she does?” We are aware that it could happen, although we hope it doesn’t any time soon! What if WE move? I think this will be a great place to start, but who is to say we won’t be called to move elsewhere? It’s activation of obedience to what is important and what we feel needs to happen next for us. It’s the first step.

My last day at work will be April 23. I’ve been there since August 2004. It has been my home away from home. Coworkers have become family. I’ve grown as a person and a professional there. My boss has been my “mom away from my mom” and has been so many things to me: mother, boss, spiritual advisor, friend, teacher, you name it. That is hard to find. I have taught many children, but I know that those children have taught me way more than I’ve taught them.

I know God has a place for us and we will bring something unique to community there. I feel like I’ve had practice runs here for His plans for my future although I have no idea what is to come there. Over the past few years, it is undeniable that I have a purpose and I have favor. I've learned so much through my church community, NewSong, and I know that I've added to a toolbox that will prove useful and divine in a new place.. Although I don’t have a lot of foresight right now, hindsight reminds me to sit tight, have peace, and enjoy the ride. Something really good is coming, I know it. 

I’m reminded of Isaiah 54:2:

Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.

We are (stressfully) searching for housing from afar (no easy task) and excitedly deciding what stops will make up our road trip out to our new home. We are making a bucket list for CA and checking off items just as fast as they are written.

bucket list item: a last meal at one of my faves, Miceli's in Hollywood, writing on a bottle to hang after polishing off a chianti with good company (also my fave: DAY drinking, especially in my old stomping ground, Hollywood)

While we are excited, I am already mourning leaving the friendships and (work, church, social) communities that I have been gifted with here. 

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we wrap up life here and begin to plan for a new adventure.

Love,

Danielle