Before I got married and before Luba even left South Africa to come, my dad brought up the hardest questions. I swear sometimes it felt like my ears would bleed as he lovingly barraged me with scenario after scenario and numerous "what if, then whats." I knew he spoke truth from experience and love. I knew that much of what he said could become my reality, but I hoped that time would be gentle. I knew that Luba and I chose a difficult path. I'm sure as a parent (of both of us), it was so hard to watch us walk into this marriage. Our older ages, certainty and experiences probably didn't ease much of the pain and worry. We had already faced more challenges (emotionally, logistically) and wrestled over conversations that many don't have until years after marriage. We continued to choose each other and with choosing each other, we chose hardship. We make this choice every day.
Time was not as gentle as I had hoped, and Luba and I did face (and daily face) many of the scenarios presented by my dad plus some that were unexpected. He was right (as usual). He predicted and several came to pass early on. We also had thrown various "what ifs" out amongst ourselves as we discussed our visa process, his immigration and our marriage. While it didn't make it any easier to go through them, the shock seemed less. As I stood before many giants, I could say "I knew you were coming," and I could more rationally navigate through the problems. I was also ready with scriptures that reminded me of who I am and that I was not alone, and I was ready with the plans that Luba and I had sort forth for those occasions.
Unity also came through experience. Sometimes, I knew my dad had similar experiences and I felt better knowing that I wasn't alone. Other friends who also went through our same visa process were able to say "I know how you feel," "You're not crazy," or the one that helps me the most, "I've been there." I flocked to those with similar stories to feel normal, to feel community, to see that someone makes it through to the other side, and just to walk with someone who genuinely knew similar hardship.
Before my past surgery, I found a group on the internet of survivors. I had a group of people worldwide literally at my fingertips, and all of us struggled with the same rare tumor. We were all at different stages, and I began during my discovery process and am still active after recovery. They couldn't change anything for me, but if I posted, I had so many comments from those who have been there. They could provide words of encouragement from experience. They shared information and resources that had been helpful to them. I'll never forget one of my favorite memories was waking up after surgery to read so many Facebook posts from this group, none of which I had ever met in person. They remembered my surgery. Many posted well wishes before I went under and others posted during so that I would wake up to encouragement. The ones who had already had the surgery gave tips all through my recovery. I could be vulnerable with them and share what I might not have shared with anyone else. They knew how I could feel anywhere along the emotional continuum.
I also appreciated my group in my Financial Peace University (Dave Ramsey) class. So much negative emotion exists in finances. I was able to focus on financial planning so much more after hearing people in my group share experiences with debt and financial failures and expressed the worry and shame that accompanied. I was able to push shame and embarrassment aside and focus on plans to improve my financial status. We brainstormed together and shared tips. Before this group, it just seemed like I was alone in my struggles moving within a body of everyone who had it made. I was in Orange County, California so while I knew people struggled, people covered it up well with nice clothes and luxury cars. If they had felt so free, I wonder if they would have made different choices without the need to "keep up?"
Experience matters. Three simple words can be so healing and the only words needed in a difficult time, "I've been there." They are truly liberating. They free one to remove all of the extra layers we pile on so that we can address the core issue. circumstances differ but we can empathize in the emotion. Let others know that
After these experiences in which I relied on others' experiences to help me navigate, I wondered why this doesn't happen more within us as the Church? How good would it feel if a pastor said, "I've wrestled with this same issue" or "I was mad at God for____?" What if that couple that seems so put together every Sunday whose marriage is almost idolized could tell an engaged couple, "There will be times you want to divorce. We almost did." It's almost like people wait until your first huge fight to give you that pat on the back as if you've just been inducted into the club.
How freeing would it be for everyone if we brought what is in our darkness into the light? I'm not saying this goes without discretion. So many people feel isolated and alone as if they are the only ones that feel a certain way. So many suffer in marriages because what is normal feels abnormal because they had been sold a fairytale. A woman doesn't know anyone else who has endured miscarriages or infertility, and so she blames herself. A family struggles post adoption and wonders if they've made a mistake not realizing what comes after the "gotcha" moments.
I love Brene Brown and these words from her sum it all up:
"Imperfections are not inadequacies, they are reminders that we are all in this together."
"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make everyday. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."
"Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy."
I think Francesca Batistelli's song, "If We're Honest," beautifully sums this up. Does it bring any experience to your mind that you'd share in order to pull someone from the other side? Even if someone isn't there yet, they'll feel less isolated when they do get there - it'll seem more familiar and they'll remember that others have been there.
Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
I'm also posting our pictures below from our anniversary dinner and night out!
Share your experience,
Danielle
Anniversary dinner: Mango Peruvian, St. Louis
So many times, I just look at this man here and am still amazed on the journey and how he got here. Even last night as he sat on the couch, memories of chats with him while we sat on the same couch in South Africa came to mind. I often can't believe that we are both here, in the same place, and married.
appetizer special: pork tamal
appetizer: langostinos al ajo
dinner special: steak & shrimp
dinner special: scallops with rice
chocolate torte
after dinner wine to watch the end of the Blues game!
