Hope in the struggle

Blogging has become such a rare indulgence these days. I've missed it so much, but E has kept me very busy!


I cannot believe that Eden is already 9 months old- almost 10 months! Time does fly when you're having fun. We are marveling at her growth and development. She is passing through such a fun stage in development where she is engaging with us and moving around. She's a fast roller - she rolls all over the place (crawl, baby Girl, crawl). She is sweet and happy.


Because she is progressing in her development, she tries so many more things and gets so mad when she is unable to do something quickly. She spots so many shiny or forbidden things that are just out of reach. I watch her move her body and reach as far as she can to grasp things that she wants but they are just out of reach or she accidentally pushes them further away. She gets so mad and seems so helpless. It's hard to watch because I want to swoop in and hand her what she wants or push her along, but she needs to do this on her own for her own development and success. I wish she could see "it's right there....she's almost got it!" She's unable to see the smallest yet most significant growth as her movements progress and develop. I can see that she is on the cusp, but I'm sure she only feels the disappointment and vision of something just out of reach. She's going to be so happy when she does get it. If I hand it over so easily, she misses growth and satisfaction with her success. One day, she will have no recollection of this struggle. Like all of, she will throw her head back and laugh as we regale her with stories of her babyhood.

As I've sat back and watched this failed attempt so many times, I've been reminded of my own struggles. This move has been hard. Assimilation into our new city has only been slightly successful, from our perspectives. It does not yet feel like home. So many days end with, "What are we doing here?" We have so many goals that now feel unreachable. I feel like I'm always grasping for ideas or dreams that are just beyond reach or slip from my touch. I've had some really hard days, and it would be safe to say that the dark days far outnumber the good ones.


The other day as I watched Eden struggle, I was reminded of how hard it must be for a Heavenly Father to sit back and watch our struggles. It's really the same, isn't it? Our intents our known. Our struggles are acknowledged. The unattainable or slipped dream is painful. All along the way though, He has a view of what is ahead - our growth, our successes, our dreams realized, the happiness of a dream grasped. We can't see these small, yet significant, steps. But, He can. I imagine He is cheering me on as I blindly move in the direction I need to go, unable to see my growth sometimes due to the darkness or misfocus. So, I press on with faith that I'm closer and where I need to be at the moment. In due time, I'll by-products of faith and hope will be within reach, within my grasp, and tangible. 


I've found hope in the day-to-day acts of mothering and watching Eden grow. I've learned, and continue to learn, so many lessons in the stillness of night in the wee hours or the struggle of "step in vs. step back." 

I think that parenting has given me, and other men and women, a whole different dimension in their spirituality. 

I will filled with hope this weekend as she finally moved forward in crawling. It's happening! 

Now, excuse me while I go baby-proof the house and install plugs in all the outlets! 

With hope for us all, 
Danielle 

Whole 30 update- a "whole" transformation!

Several of you have asked me how Whole30 is or you are contemplating starting one soon so you ask for tips. I decided to write and give the low down plus the extra, non-physical changes it has initiated. This is a journey, not a different eating plan only.

First of all, we are on a budget so I was initially scared to do this because of the need to shop several places to find less-used items for me like coconut aminos, red boat fish sauce, and ghee. Plus, they prefer organic meat and produce when possible. It would blow the budget, so I thought. Was that an excuse? Did I mention our budget is tight? It’s as tight as a …. Okay, no time for inappropriate similes.

I’m finding that we don’t spend that much more. We may break even or spend less. Ain’t nobody got time to compute that for accuracy! Previously, we shopped all over the store and down the aisles and put things in our cart that were not on the list. We bought veggies in hopes of eating them but wasted much of it because we found easier things to cook. I didn’t grow up eating vegetables so I had no idea how to cook them. We now eat what we buy. We find a creative way to use what’s left. I just never thought of using that leftover butternut squash for breakfast in a hash. I’m learning to just THROW IT ALL IN! Anything goes when you throw a runny egg over it! We shopped differently. We roll our cart (or "buggy") around the perimeters of the grocery store hitting the produce, meat and eggs. We go down the aisle only if we need coconut milk. I was so giddy to see that we had turned into "those people" at the grocery store. You know the ones, the ones that have ALL healthy stuff at the register? How do those people survive with no cereal, sweets or yogurt? 

The plan has not been hard. Maybe it’s because I read the Whole30 website before joining and they have great points when they say: “It's not hard. Battling cancer is hard. Birthing a baby is hard. Drinking your coffee black is not hard.” It’s true.

I’ve looked at this eating plan a whole different way from a biblical standpoint which I touched on in this last post you can read here. I now think of this when I read labels. What am I putting into my body (a temple)? Is it necessary? If I can buy chicken stock with few ingredients, then why would I buy this one?

What IS all that stuff with all those syllables? It was only $0.69 so I know so many on a budget and low income families are using this due to necessity. That’s a blog post for another day. I will spend the extra $1 to get a better option. Reading the labels is essential to avoid sugar, which let me tell you, is in everything! Luba and I may spend 10 minutes reading each and every bacon package looking for one with no sugar (and often leave the store bacon-less and sad). What I’ve also learned is to, again, use all that I have. We buy a rotisserie chicken once a week so I make broth with the carcass bone after Luba has finished it off (he & my mom could be in a show-down on who can clean that bone the best). It’s FREE! I just cut up celery and onion and heavily salt and pepper and store it in a mason jar in the fridge. You can do so much for minimal cost if you just spend the time. 

Time? Oh that’s funny. I thought I had none. When you make a decision, you find it. I’m not saying it’s easy! Solicit your husband to help. He eats it right? Ask your kids to help - they can learn healthy habits early! It's a win-win. It helps me so much that Luba is committed to this with me. Because it’s easier for me to follow recipes, then he preps when he can. If I have a late night (my job makes this trickier because I may get home at 7:30-8pm), Luba will chop veggies, get out all the ingredients so I can rush in and start, and he cleans up to share the load when I cook something complicated and messy. He’ll also make sure dishes are clean and put away to give me maximum space for what often feels like an experiment rather than a recipe. He’ll peel sweet potatoes at night and I wake up and make the hash while he showers. We meal plan and prep as much as possible on the weekend and buy most of the week. We’re okay with quick stops to pick up odds and ends to prevent wasting food (& money). Teamwork is good, but good planners and efficient time users can do this solo – man or woman! Chop while you enjoy your glass of wine LaCroix. LaCroix will save your life. Stock up on different flavors and indulge.

look at this guy shredding sweet potatoes for our hash at 6:45am

sidenote: he really is a gem, isn't he?

This is our usual breakfast: hash of some kind with sausage or bacon, 

avocado and runny eggs

What do we cook? Thank God for social media. I am on Instagram and follow a few people that post easy recipes. Most of what we have tried have come from Instagram posts which look easy and good so I follow them to their website or use the recipe they’ve posted in a comment. Here are some favorites so far and where you can find them:

sweet potato soup by @kirsten.redding

 jalapeno pomegranate roast by @whole30recipes

stuffed sweet acorn squash by @whole9life 

(I didn't even know acorn squashes existed)

We have not been out to eat in almost 2 weeks. We did go out prior to Whole30 for a special occasion. WE ARE PROUD! We are on day 16! WE ARE DOING IT! I can't believe I have been 16 days without cheese (& wine)!!! I put cheese on everything, and I've hardly noticed I cut it out. When it's an absolute that you follow, you aren't clouded by struggle or temptation as much (I think). Sometimes, choices actually limit us.

My body is changing too – not sure about weight and composition. I’m not counting that. I have struggled with low blood sugar for years. If you know me well, you know that I will pass out cold if I miss snacks (have some chin scars to prove that). The meal plan recommends 3 meals per day with an extra meal after working out. I had to plan for a compliant snack because of my issues. I have found that, without realizing, I have gone down to no snacks. I just don’t get hungry. I don’t feel that drop around 2pm like before. I will snack in the evening if I work late so that I’m not hangry and ravenous when I come home to cook – otherwise, I may make some bad decisions or take some shortcuts. I’m also not that hungry when I am hungry, and I eat less overall.

I didn’t realize this journey would start to transform more than nutrition and physical well-being. It’s seeped into emotional health as well. I feel clearer and I have more time to think and process as I chop, saute, stir, and roast. There are no shortcuts so my time is not diverted a thousand different directions making a quick meal or rushing. I feel like so many things are compartmentalized in vessels on an emotional bookshelf deep inside the caverns of my soul. I’m finding that I can’t take these vessel off and put things in and close them up and place them back on the shelves as easily. I spend more time with the vessel open letting issues, memories, thoughts seep out or even pour out all over the floor. I allow the emotion to settle and be visible and acknowledged. I’ve wrestled with processing where I am now in life versus where I thought I should or would be (remember that tight budget?). I’ve realized that the right word is grief. I’m grieving some dreams I had for myself and plans that I prepared for that clearly God didn’t have for me. I’m reading a book recommended by April Diaz, and I’m loving it. 

Grief to me, before, was something that you felt when a loved one passed away, but it relates to so much more. I’m choosing to work through this so I can be ready for new dreams and better dreams and opportunities. It doesn't mean that I would trade anything about how life is now. How do we get stuck so early thinking WE know how our lives should and will turn out? We decide this and then place people and things in like pawns. We look around and question when something else has our blueprint. We are made for so much more beyond our dreams. How could I not catch that I had “patched” so much with food, time at restaurants distracted, and getting a physical high from certain foods? All of the part of us are so intricately interwoven.

If you are thinking of doing this Whole30 thing, I encourage you to take the plunge. Spend time prepping so you have a successful start to build momentum and then go for it!! We are so happy that we did it. I also highly encourage you if the following come to mind when you think of it: I don't eat vegetables, It's too hard, I don't have time, I can't live without cheese. Also beware, you may find that the journey becomes more than preparing meals and eating. 

Love,

Danielle 

Hindsight

Recently, I was on a “life high” even though it was coupled with a very deep low. I was able to make sense of a lot of “things” and dreams were being realized, miracles were being witnessed, and I was on the cusp of such huge “life things.” I remember a friend’s daughter hit a low point and I emailed her to encourage her. I was walking through some significant issues but I was at a point where hindsight was on my side and was able to try and share what I had learned over the past few years. Even though events were painful and those events seemed to eclipse the joy every now and then, I could see how God had carefully orchestrated where I was to that point. I was coming to the end of a long long long waiting period. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could almost touch the finish line.

I’ve come to realize that God only grants us the gift of hindsight. Being able to look in life’s rearview mirror is enough for me to trust that, although it is difficult, foresight is unnecessary when I fully trust that God’s plans for me are so much greater than I can even fathom. I probably wouldn’t even believe it anyway if I had a glimpse into the future. I was at a point where it was easier (it’s never easy, is it?!??) to recognize how smaller events and experiences made up the larger plan unfolding like all the essential border pieces of a puzzle that help you build your structure.

Then, I hit a bump in the road. I’m careful not to post too much about the visa process as it not only involves me and it’s not solely my story to tell. I’ll just say that the bump caused me to come to a screeching halt. Screeching as in feet in the ground AND screeching out of my mouth, screeching the unholiest of vocabulary. What. Happened. Excuse me, God, we were on the “downhill slide” so I thought.

I was back on the roller coaster again. I hadn’t asked to go on another ride but I found myself soaring through ups and downs and blasting through a range of emotions. “I got this. No biggie. I trust” quickly changed to “Oh #$% it’s not in me. I can’t. I’m exhausted.”  Luckily, some amazing support people started to move and intercede on my behalf. I couldn’t do it. But God could. They could. Slowly and surely, I was back up, broken but beginning to heal from disappointment, confusion, anger, fear, and the list goes on. I realized that I had to take a dose of my own medicine--heed my own advice. I looked back at the events that led me to today. We’ve literally witnessed miracles through this visa journey. We have favor. We have been spoiled by God’s goodness. This “obstacle” is another part of our story that must happen. It’s another “let this cup pass” moment, but I know it can’t. There’s more to our story, and I know another miracle must be around the corner. I’ve asked for it, and I’m expecting it.

Along with the gift of hindsight, I’ve been able to keep trudging through the thick of waiting because of a few recurring dreams I had. When I had them (4 total), I knew they were important and I knew they were for a future time. They all had different “settings” but the events were the same. In each one, I was at an intersection and a dark road lay before me. All of the other roads were light except the one that took me “home” or to my destination. I had to walk through darkness, unable to see obstacles and unrecognizable images who sought to distract me or persuade me from continuing to my destination. I could not see how far the road stretched. In none of the dreams had I ever reached my destination. In two, I woke myself up screaming, too fearful of what grabbed at me in the darkness. In one of the dreams (3rd), a presence stood next to me as I wearily faced yet another dark road. I was exhausted. I had enough energy to muster “Not again. Not another one.”  I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other to even face the daunting challenge. The “faceless” presence told me that He would give me a glimpse of what was at the end of the road but I could not see any of the road itself. I remember seeing myself and being astonished as I watched a playful version of me in a vast ocean. I had never seen myself so happy. I was laughing like a child and overcome with joy. When I got to this past disappointment, familiarity rose from the disbelief. I’ve been here before. I can’t and won’t see the road but I know I have to keep facing forward and walk at the pace with which I am able minute by minute. I know that this path will be somewhat forgotten when I reach my destination, and I know that acknowledging and feeling it right now are crucial to my/our story. I know there’s a joy that I’ve never known and a happiness that will be new that I will experience at the perfect time. 

As usual, this brings me back to Habakkuk 2:3, a verse that I recite to myself on a daily basis.

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;

    it speaks of the end

    and will not prove false.

Though it linger, wait for it;

    it will certainly come

    and will not delay.

Are you waiting for something?

Regarding the future, I bank on Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” When I need something tangible, I look in my rearview mirror.

Ever so grateful for my support "people"! You know who you are.

Danielle