Will I still adopt?

Lately, especially after posting the love story, I’ve gotten two questions fairly equally: 

When is he coming?

Are you still going to adopt?

I’m always surprised by the 2^nd question.  Sometimes my face contorts into this awful “WT…” expression before I can sweetly smile and mutter, “Of course!” As a good Southern girl, I never say “I’m recycling S@#& for fun!” or “The whole ‘recycle for adoption’ project was a whim!” If you have asked me these questions, please do not feel badly! I appreciate a continued conversation and you choosing to be part of this journey. However, I felt like I should clarify the intent behind the adoption process AND make sure you know that your diligent saving of recyclables is not in vain and I do not now plan to spend that money on something else.

Adoption has never been a backup plan for me “in case I’m single forever.”  It was not a choice made out of necessity. When I made a decision to make plans for adoption as a single, I was very intentional. There were still ways that I could have a baby biologically. There was still hope of marriage. But, for me, it was my plan all along and I felt the prompting to start building the foundation in obedience to a dream I’ve carried since childhood and to the move of the Spirit. Some child in need out there is my first choice [even if life means it comes into my home 2^nd] despite my own personal circumstances and desires.

I love children. I must, right, I work with them HOURS upon HOURS per week. It never gets old [well, ok sometimes one needs a mini Starbucks break] but my heart is with children, children who often experience some type of brokenness. I’ve always wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember.  My heart has always broken for ones that got a rougher plight in life. Lately, I’ve found more courage to deviate from the norm and own what I feel in saying that my ovaries don’t dance and become restless when I hold a baby. There’s a mother’s instinct in me that becomes excited and awakened.  But, I don’t initially dream of the big belly, late night feedings, a child with my nose/eyes/hair, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I don’t think of or want those things. Let me tell you though, NOTHING shakes my soul and the mother inside me like seeing a child in foster care. The emotions well up and I’m fully aware that THIS is a definite stop on my journey to motherhood as God wrote it for me. There is no denying it. It is literally a physiological response. I love seeing mommies with their babies and toddlers. It always makes me smile to watch the unique ways mothers bond. I passed by a room at work and saw a young mother interacting with a child that she that she is in the process of adopting and I just stopped in my tracks. Tears quickly came as I stood there [which later developed into full blown ugly cry of happiness]. This moment was sacred so much that I felt intrusive. It was a rare sight of Heaven meeting Earth. It was witnessing a small step in a path of redemption—two lives filled with heartache and brokenness meshing into 1 family to put the pieces together in a beautiful and unique way. Even now, tears pour just remembering this site and the tangible feeling of love. This makes my world go ‘round in a different way than seeing the aisles of “stuff” at Babies R Us. All of us as women are different. There’s not one right feeling for everyone but we each know our own “right.”  Definitely, the situation with Luba, “the boy” starring in the post, has opened a door to certain kids that could be welcomed into a home and parented “better” than others. 

So, an emphatic YES is the answer to that 2^nd question!

The follow-up question when I give that yes is: 

Don’t you want to have your own?

I’ve answered this a couple times just this week. My answer is always “But when I do adopt, they will be my own.” Adoption is a new ballgame to most people so they don’t know the rules and terminology so all of us on the journey must practice grace. All of these people who have asked are the sweetest, most concerned friends, friends that will be there to help in any way possible. I know this. I learned myself when I started this journey lingo that I never knew existed. I learned ways to offend families unknowingly out of good intent. We’ve all been there (including me) but we learn together and we continually practice grace. My friend, April Diaz, wrote an honest post on what it feels like to get that question. Check it out HERE. 

If it works out [can you hear that “tick tock?”], I would love a biological child as well, for a lot of reasons. I’d love to see what he or she would look like, if “she” would have crazy hair for poofs, etc. [Dear Jesus, please give him or her Luba's laidbackness or just maybe a "bit" of it because I can only survive one ME]

So, those are my answers. Remember how this society celebrates sameness? It makes it hard to come out and say “I feel different from the rest and it is OK!” I have that courage, and I hope that you do too. Maybe you don’t even want children. Know that, that is OK too.

Be bold,

Danielle 

Loving the single in your life....

So, this blog has been on my heart longer than any other. It stems from a range of emotions, most of which have been pain and disappointment. Looking at my journal, it dates back to November when I finally put thoughts onto paper, thoughts that have been swirling for many months prior. 

So many times I wanted to write, but I worried about what my married friends would think. Shame crept in. Guilt for being "needy" eclipsed my heart. Should I say these things? Am I selfish? As I listen to more and more single women at various stages, I know I have one thing that many lack…the balls courage to say it.

This world celebrates sameness. I feel it in my own relationships and struggles. The homosexual community feels it. The single moms feel it. The single dads feel it. The interracial families feel it. The 40-something single feels it. We all know how best to react to "sames" and “marrieds” or “marrieds with children.” Single is cool until you hit ~35, the time when safely most of your friends are married, many of which have kids. You are too old for the church’s single adults group. You can’t join your friends in their couples small group. You yearn for companionship when friends are on “date nights.” You want to push yourself forward to keep up when you really may feel like slowing down. The simple truth: no one knows what to do with you.  Everyone is celebrating sameness while you are wondering where “different” fits in neatly. it bubbles up everywhere from not being able to wear a certain dress because you have noone around to zip it up to not wanting to hang out with a group of friends because you will be the only single trying to navigate the conversations on partnerships, kids, etc. Nothing is wrong with you. You know this is where God wants or needs you to be right now, but you know that others [in church and out] don’t know how to respond.  I’ve been there. I’ve been there for sooooo long—WAY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY longer than I ever imagined. While I am not there for much longer in that "phase" [blog post to explain that coming soon], I stand with you. My heart is with you. I will speak for you. I KNOW this is one reason why I was single for so long. My heart aches for you. Most importantly, I see you and I celebrate you. You are courageous and bold. Not many could walk so triumphantly in your shoes.

I hope I can speak for some of my sisters in this post.  Women who are happy but single, women who are sad but single, women who are courageous to WAIT and are therefore single, women who have a higher purpose to serve God first and are single, women who are divorced and single, women who have made mistakes but trudge on single, women who defy “sameness” whether they wish to or not. Women who have no desire for marriage and/or kids and are single.

Being in this “often awkward” phase has made me look at a lot of things differently, friendship included. I’ve come to classify friends as “willing to see me on Friday/Saturday” a.k.a. true friends and “those who don’t.” I’ve actually let a lot of “see you on the weeknights” friends go. Right or wrong, I’m not sure. Nothing has been more hurtful than a married friend that has only agreed to hang out on weeknights because she spends weekends with family. Well, guess what?!?! Just because I’m single does not mean that I don’t also have equally important things to do. When you never offer me weekends, I hear “your life is less than mine so let’s work out the schedule according to what is convenient for me and my family.” Yeah, I get it that many responsibilities come with families but I have several friends that prioritize friendships and nurture those on weekends when it is mutually beneficial. Friends are gifts. I think it’s healthy and please hold me to that when I have a family. 

Despite roles and children and spouses, we are all essentially women. Why can’t we come together and connect as who we are? The rest is adornment and roles and obligations. They do not take the place of who we are. We nurture one another. We support one another. We need one another.

I was thinking of ways for others to love the single woman in your life. These are things that I wish had happened to me more and some things that have been placed on my  heart from observations and divine conversations:

• Send a Mother's Day card to the single mom. There's no "Dad" to orchestrate Mother's Day celebrations. Elaborate on her superhero-ism. Imagine YOU doing all that you do with no help from your husband, family, etc. The way you dread that business trip your husband goes on because it leaves all the work to YOU? She does this everyday. She has no choice. She doesn't complain.
• Listen to your single friend drag on about all the bad dates she has been on without telling her she is too picky or giving advice. We are our own worst critics....but sometimes we just need an ear. We don't have a boyfriend or husband to listen [or pretend to listen] so we could use you and a glass bottle of wine. 
• Invite a single to have lunch with you after church. Insist, even. Even if we decline, we are so thankful that someone "saw" us. We regularly go unnoticed but too often avoided. 
• Have your S.O./husband do something that "men" do like an oil change. Let me tell you. I HATE getting my oil changed. Because I'm short on time, I go to those quickie places that try to sell my everything under the sun. I can be bitchy forthright but they still overpower me each time trying to sell me into replacing every kind of filter I have never heard of. Each time, I lie. Yep, I lie. You heard that Jesus. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE. I always add a "Let me write that down and have my husband/father/boyfriend/brother check that" along with my look of concern. I hate it. The one thing I cherish most about a future marriage? The man getting the oil change. Period. Ask her if anything needs to be done at her house and offer your man. You can drink wine and listen while he changes that hard-to-reach lightbulb.
• Another no-man's land? Weddings. It soooo sucks to be one of the last few singles at a wedding. There's no more torture than this. [note to self in wedding planning....] For the love of Moses, have your man/date bring back a drink for y'all AND the single. We have to watch love marry, sit among love at the table during dinner, watch love slow dance...just get us another drink to survive.  
• Invite the single over for dinner. Just because we do not yet have our own marriage, that does not mean we can't appreciate and learn from yours. So many dreams I have for my marriage and family I have learned from watching successful friends.

These are just a few ideas that came to mind. I'm sure you can think of many more, better ones. Think of one thing you'd hate to do on your own without your husband's help and then consider that the single does this all the time, or has to pay for it. 

I know sometimes you are tired of hearing the same date #1 story time after time after time. But, listen anyway. Listen with the same love we showed you as you described your bloody areolas and your home remedies of laying frozen pea bags on your boobs for comfort. Despite the stage, condition, woes, we are all women, right? We are all trying to navigate womanhood as best we can? Let's be an ear and shoulder for one another.

Single gals? Comment below if you have additional ways you want to be loved.

[Marrieds, when I'm married, I'll make an argument for loving the married too but I ain't got that material yet....] 

Let's just do "woman" better.

With one foot in single and one foot in married,

Danielle

On Doing "Woman" Better: Part 2

Thank you to all who read my last post, “On Doing 'Woman' Better.” It’s something I feel so strongly about and know we can accomplish collectively. It seems like it was something that hit home for you as well. However, there is another dimension that we must must must do better, and that is ourselves/YOU.

I’ve been jotting down notes and journaling on this for a while and then I saw a video that has gone viral in the last week that beautifully sums it up. Please watch here…it is worth it. [Of course there are critiques published regarding this video and people are already “poo poo-ing it” but I believe in the point that it makes]

While we have to do better with our interactions with other women and be as edifying as possible, we have to show ourselves the same courtesy, acknowledgment, and grace. It’s so much easier to pick out the good qualities in someone else, right? Eeeeeeeven those we don't even like or identify with as much as others?! Just not ourselves! We just are simply not as good at this as men. As women we are quick to explain other factors that helped us get that promotion. It was "good luck or fortune" that caused our cake or baking endeavor to turn out beautifully. We blush when someone compliments our somewhat successful hair-do we found on Pinterest. We are often uncomfortable accepting positive feedback. We are quick to offer an explanation. We are quick to look away or change the subject when the spotlight is on us.

We often look for our significance or identity in our roles. Look at how we introduce ourselves. How much at a loss of words are we when we hear "tell me about yourself?!" I'm “such and such's” mom. I'm a speech pathologist. I’m a student. I'm Dick’s wife [sorry, this made me giggle so I refuse to change the name]. 

Be YOU.

Luckily I've had a loooooooooooong season of singleness where I fortunately (for the love of hindsight) have not had the privilege of attaching a "label" to myself. I'm happy that the season has brought me identity. The future will add new layers or “ornaments,” new adornments of responsibility. First and foremost, I am Danielle. Hats I wear include friend, daughter, Speech Pathologist, etc. They do not define me. Who I am pours over into those roles. I am not me because of them.

The real change began for me came when I read a book called the Search for Significance by Robert McGee with a small group YEARS ago. I don't even think I finished the book, but the point of it stuck with me, and the point is basically to find your worth in Christ and enjoy freedom and not to search for self worth in your accomplishments and the opinions of others. It is so simple yet we complicate it so much. We struggle with this too often; for many, it is a daily struggle and entrapment. Society complicates it for us. Media distorts it for us. We are overwhelmed and buried with false information.

So take those few minutes that you saved to write a note for that lovely friend of yours and write it to your best friend, yourself. Make a list of all of your strengths, qualities, etc. Put it somewhere where you’ll find it later or mail it to yourself. Save notes, emails, comments jotted down from others to remind yourself daily. Make a “you” journal to house all of this goodness and take it out when you need a reminder. When you see your worth, so will everyone else. Smile a naughty grin and giggle over this knowledge as you walk into that room full of people. Hold your head up high and know you are a force in the universe.

If you have children, start now helping her to see herself as she should. We are what we believe. We become who we are told we are. What voice will she listen to?

Take heart, sister, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are exactly as you should be, beloved. You are the right size, the right height. Know it. Believe it.

For her worth is far above rubies. -Proverbs 31:10

For MY worth is far above rubies. 

For YOUR worth is far above rubies.

 

XOXO,

Danielle 

 

On doing "woman" better...

This post has been brewing in my soul for a while, and lately, so many conversations and events have reminded me of its relevance. 

It all started about 6 months ago when I was blogging at Panera. At first, I was annoyed that a young dad and his 2 kiddos decided to sit right next to me. I love kids, but sometimes, I need a mental shutdown because I do a lot of “kid” during the week. I had a lot on my mind to get online for Africa. As I suspected, it didn’t take long for an argument to ensue between the kids, one toddler boy and one young girl. I watched, annoyed [my eyes hurt from rolling back and others probably suspected seizure activity] as he let them continue on. and on. and on. Then, I knew they were seated next to me for a reason. When the kids figured it out, the dad leaned in to the girl, established eye contact and at eye level, began to speak into her life. It was beautiful.  Each sentence began with either “You are so____” and “I like the way you were___” and each ended with an internal quality. He acknowledged how kind she had been to her younger brother, how patient. Then he said the simplest sentence that will resonate through her inner being for years to come, “I am so proud of you.”

Soon after, I was out in another environment, when in walked an adorable little girl in a very cute outfit. She must have been 3 years old. Immediately, all the women made comments like “Look at you!” or “You are so cute!” or “I love your dress!” My hair stood up and immediately it struck me. As women, we do this all the time. It’s innocent. We mean well. We are all guilty. I mean, I am sooooooooooooooo guilty when sparkles or a tu-tu is involved.  I began to really think about how we talk to our girls. 

I’ve never been a fan of large groups of women. I can’t stand the drama, the looks, the comparisons. However, lately I’ve been drawn to passing the superficial layer and the stereotypes and diving in deep with women. I have come to realize that when we peel back layer after layer after layer, we all come with the same insecurities.  We all have the same indignation for the focus on the external.  It starts with us, women. We have to change it. We have to start now WITH and FOR our girls- our daughters, nieces, students, friends, strangers. 

I’m reminded of the young dad’s conversation. It has changed the way I speak to my kiddos at work. I slip up sometimes, but I’m trying to forego the comments about clothes or the products of what they do and focus more on acknowledging their “creativity” or “leadership.”

I recently watched the Sheryl Sandberg interview and was struck by her question that I’m sure we can all relate to: "What if every little girl who is told she is bossy is told instead, “you have leadership skills?”

While I do not have daughters of my own yet, this is important to me for two HUGE reasons. Those reasons have names.

1. Channinge
2. Brady

Both of these amazing young women are my nieces and fuel the fire for me to do “woman” better. 

Channinge was my first niece and just slid out of the womb wise. She was jovial and gentle and grew up with an increasingly kinder heart by the year.  One memory that will never leave me is one phrase she said to me as a young elementary student. She was in the car with me recounting an experience from the school playground that day when some of her friends were making fun of another student who was less popular, overweight, etc. She had strayed from the popular crowd that day. When I asked her how she felt, she said that she’d rather be alone for the right reasons than with a crowd for the wrong reasons. Then, she said something that my dad and I still use in our own conversations to this very day: “Sometimes you just gotta swing by yourself.” 

 Daddy's girl at a young age--one of my all time fave pictures

 seriously? such glee!

 always fun & laughter 

Brady caused a riot coming out of the womb and quickly let the world know that she’d be a force to be reckoned with. I’ve loved watching her morph into a cautious, sweet-spirited, and brilliant 13-year old. 

 this peace is a glimpse into Heaven

 reflective

 sweetness

 fellow burger critic being introduced to Umami

For me, I’m trying on a daily basis to speak toward inner qualities. When we hear these things, it changes us. We become who we are told we are so speak it often. 

So find that women you admire, and tell her WHY you admire her.

Find that women you don’t admire and may not even like, and tell her one thing that you see in her.

See others the way God sees them.

Change the world by changing your words. 

Love well,

Danielle

Channinge,

You were my first niece and set the bar high. I’ve loved watching you grow. How are you in your 20s?!? I remember waiting in algebra class for your birth to be announced. Your desire for family unity reminds me of my desires and endeavors at your age. Thank you for taking the baton and doing it well. Although I could go on for days, I hope you remember that you are smart, creative, caring, considerate, respectful, patient, forgiving, and wise. I love the responsibility for others that you carry. You are awesome. My greatest possessions include the memories of our times together when I lived in Mississippi. You are loved and you love big.

Brady,

Woah, at all the things you taught me at such a  young age. I am a better therapist because of you. I am a better person because of you. You started out fiery and demanded all of us to do things differently than we’ve ever done. You’ve grown into such a thoughtful, open-minded, and tender hearted young woman. Your honesty is refreshing. I love how reflective you are and the consideration you offer to others. I so enjoy our book conversations and the life conversations that they spur. You are loved and you love so graciously.