Kindness (including a bit about this Whole 30 business)

This morning, I read the article about the hurried mother who waited impatiently in line at Target. Her moments were transformed by watching a young man patiently and kindly help the older woman in front of her. You can read more about that story here. I appreciated so much about this story such as the woman’s recognition of the following: her impatience and role as the “learner,” kindness in the moment, and the character of this young man. Although she was hurried, she used this opportunity and she sought out the manger to share what she had seen. She acted. So many of us “miss” kindness in action because we are looking elsewhere. Others of us see it and often appreciate it, but we move on through our day without acknowledging it to others. We fail to act. 

I have always been the biggest fan of the random acts of kindness movements. It never ever gets old no matter which on which side I find myself. I was reminded recently as I stood in line at Starbucks and the man in front of me paid for my drink. He hurried away to the barista section before I could say thank you. I continued the gesture by paying for the person behind me. Now, it didn’t play out the way I expected. As we stood next to each other, the atmosphere grew awkward. There was no sign of appreciation or “thanks!” he just said “well, that changes things.” I’m not sure what that meant and he ordered his drink. We often misread the actions of others so I dare not call him unappreciative at all. I wondered if this was his first time to be the recipient of random kindness, kindness from a stranger he would never see again. Did he not know how to respond? I walked to the barista area to wait for my coffee and I thanked the man who bought mine. We chatted for a few moments and he quietly said, "When God blesses you with money, you share it with others.” Apparently, he starts this "pay it forward" at Starbucks frequently. As we were chatting, the guy behind me rushed past us and out the door, making no eye contact.

It made me think of how good I felt for more than the rest of the day. One simple gesture changed my day and I immediately looked for ways to pay it forward throughout the day. I wanted everyone to feel as elated as I, and how easy that is to do with minimal time and money. It can feel awkward, I guess, to be the recipient. Through the years, I have learned to accept kindness with grace and appreciation. Sure I can pay for my own coffee. I can open my own door. I can carry my own bags to the car. It’s not about the action itself. It’s about what’s in between – the connection, taking a baton of kindness to pass on, allowing another to follow through with a hunch or a whispering he or she feels, connecting with others, and/or allowing people to just simple give back to this world, universe, God, whatever they or you want to call it.

Kindness has been researched. I was reading through articles on this website (I encourage you to visit it!). A few effects of kindness are:

• It reduces effects of stress
• We feel better when we help others
• Acts of kindness leads others to do acts of kindness
• Our brains are wired to be benevolent
• It’s a win-win-win: we feel better, recipients feel better, and by-standers/witness feel better
• We can help children develop empathy and kindness can be taught (there are even pilot programs for schools)

I’ve always considered myself to be a kind person. I married the kindest person I have ever met in my life. As kind as I try to be to and with others, I’ve noticed that I don’t offer that kindness to myself. I know some of you are just like that. I work in a job where I care for others and one that is emotionally taxing every single day. It doesn’t  I don’t leave enough time for me to care as much for myself as I do clients. I get home late and I fill my body with what’s quick. I am more of a “foodie” so I love trying new foods but I overdo it. I ignore signals from my own body to stop and eat or to simply stop eating. I don’t exercise. I use my “kindness” and my job (which is also my mission) as an excuse to neglect the most important person, me.

To start this year off after the holidays, I made a vow to prioritize myself. I started the Whole 30 program 3 days ago. Today I am on day 4. I chose to start this particular program for the following reasons:

1. It includes meat, vegetables, fruit and nuts. Dairy, grains and sugar are not allowed. By the way, sugar is in dang near everything! Go ahead and look at that unsuspecting label. I’m allergic to cow’s milk yet I indulge in cheese and milk products daily. I knowingly and unknowingly consume sugar because “well, it’s in everything. How can you avoid it?”  I’m learning to create meal plans that are kind to my body right now. I am forced to learn how to cook and enjoy vegetables. I read labels and choose products that are better for my body.
2. I rely on comfort foods. I am most definitely an emotional eater. I need to start to learn in these 30 days to turn to other things for comfort which may depend on the moment or circumstance- scripture, my husband, the treadmill, a walk outside, a break, a quiet moment with a piece of fruit, whatever is healthy. I cannot fill empty places with chocolate, pasta, or “the newest food” on the foodie trail.
3. I need and want to be healthy. No surprise my cholesterol is high but overall I’m considered healthy (healthy with a few pounds to spare to put me back in the right section of the BMI chart). I want to stay healthy. If I do get sick, I want to be the healthiest version to fight it. I have only 1 body and let's face it, I'm getting older. 
4. I fear failure. I multi-task. I plan well. I’m a finisher but I ave learned that I only start what I know I'll finish.  My success is achieved by my lack of failures and not by trudging through and restarting after failure. This endeavor scared me because it’s so big for me. I planned to fail; therefore, I had to plan to finish. I told myself that if I fail, then it wouldn’t be the end of the world and I won’t beat myself up, BUT I cannot plan for that “if.” I had to shift to “when,” “when I finish.”
5. It’s biblical. It was ingrained in us as children in the church, “your body is a temple,” but really, I only remember this in the context for advocating for abstinence. As a church, we should expand beyond that to include all aspects of self-care. It most definitely applies to our diet and nutrition. I’m remind myself of this and highlighting and posting near my food diary the following verses: Ephesians 5:29, 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 and 10:31, and Romans 10:31.

My husband is doing this Whole 30 program with me. We are figuring it out together and it has been much easier than expected (although still hard sometimes). This weekend, I have had the flu and have been sicker than I have in a long, long time. Yesterday when I woke up, I only wanted pho which is not compliant with the program. I recognized this as most likely a “comfort” and I would allow myself grace should I fall off the wagon when ill (for good reason?) but I vowed to fight that urge for hours and then reassess. I stumbled into the kitchen to find the chicken broth I had made a few nights before on a whim (what else do you do with the rotisserie chicken carcass to get your money’s worth?). I filled it with celery and carrots from the fridge (which I normally would have never had on hand). It filled the spot and immediately I felt better. The urge to have pho was gone. We finished the rest of the day compliant. It felt like the biggest win because I was able to move past it – the psychological battles are the worst. Repeat that whole morning this morning when I woke up feeling the same way, but again, I made it!

This physical and dietary journey is teaching me so much spiritually and mentally. I’m learning so much about my body already. I'm learning kindness in a whole new way. 

As we continue on in 2016, to whom do you need to show kindness? Those unlike you? Your family? Yourself? You can get great ideas on the website mentioned above at this link.  

Do something everyday, will you? Even just acknowledge kindness. Like the woman in the article above, tell a supervisor when you spot kindness in employees. As we say in the ABA world in terms of increasing behavior, "you get more of what you attend to." Let's seek it out and acknowledge it in our children, employees, family members, everyone! It reminds me of this quote by Thomas S. Monson: "When we treat people merely as they are, they will remain as they are. When we treat them as if they were what they should be, they will become what they should be."I would love to see my newsfeed full of more of these articles and stories than the tragedy, bigotry and negativity that often fuels posts. 

We are all catalysts for change and making a better "us," and I am pretty sure it starts with kindness. Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi). No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted (Aesop). 

Danielle 

"Seeing" People

For a long time now, I’ve tried to see people. By “see” people, I don’t mean notice. I mean, really listen to their story to hear their emotion so that I can respond to it. That’s what we are here for, right? One another? Superheroes don’t exist because we do. We have a special power to “save the day” sometimes, but we have to listen and be keen to the spirit of a person.

I never thought about this until a few years ago. I’ll never forget the scenario. A group of us were on our way back from a trip. We were all a bunch of “good” people having just spent a week serving others and getting our hands dirty. We sat tired and hungry in a restaurant. We had great service. We had a great waitress who chatted with us for a bit. She talked of her twins at home. As we were about to leave, one friend asked if we could all write in a card to her [BTW, who carries notecards on them like a swiss army knife or chap stick?!]. We agreed in our confusion. What some of us didn’t “see” was this one friend asking questions to the waitress. We didn’t read between the lines in her answers. Our friend had a “hunch” and we all followed it. We wrote in and sealed the card and placed it with our bill. What happened next was a moment that has changed my daily life and prayer life to this day. The waitress was visibly overwhelmed with gratitude and shock. She added that she had been upset all day before coming to work. It was the anniversary of her mother’s death.

On a almost-daily basis my prayers include “Help me see people. Help me to hear the voice that cries out for that kind word, encouragement, or compliment. Help me hear a voice that desires to be celebrated. Give me the wisdom in responding.”

I love NewSong because each time something is on my heart, in an eerily cool way, it comes up as a theme. How to bless people (it’s really not that hard, y’all) has been a tool with which we have been equipped. It’s the easiest most powerful gift we possess.

Recently, I was the recipient of one of the greatest blessings I’ve known. I’m so thankful this woman went with her “gut.” It may have been the worst day I’ve known. I can’t think of another day that has hit me this hard. I got to work and then left 5 minutes later as a crumpled mess. I needed to be home to ride out the emotion. I decided to go to my “happy place” which is a Christian-owned spa that I love supporting (you know me and my love for mom & pop). Each time I go, the service and hospitality are both impeccable. My body just wanted to lie in the darkness, get some TLC, and listen to the old hymns by piano playing overhead. It’s a great place for me to be stripped (literally) to focus, process, and pray. I composed myself long enough to make the phonecall for an appointment. I was doubtful that any appointments were open as is usually the case last minute. I needed it NOW, not later this afternoon. I put on my fake cheery voice and dialed. Little did I know, a blessing (and miracle) were waiting on the other end of the line. I had no idea that I was about to get a big reminder from God that said “I’ve got this/you.”

Our phone conversation went like this:

Me: Do you have any appointments available today?

Male receptionist: Let me put you on hold for a moment. [weird, they have never put me on hold]

sure.

Woman receptionist: Hello! This is XXX. You want to come in today? [cheeriest. voice. ever]

Me: Yes. What time do you have?

Woman: 2.

Me: Great! [my "fake it til you make it" voice]

Woman: You know what? Something in your voice tells me that you need to come in ASAP. Let me check again.

Me: Ok. [don’t cry...don’t cry...don’t cry…]

Woman: How is 11:30? [ok, it’s 10:15 now] It is with the therapist you usually have.

Me: Perfect.

Woman: Have you ever tried our hydrotherapy baths? [at this point, I’m annoyed. I’m in NO mood for “up selling” but my dream has always been one of these baths but I’m too stingy to spend the money on top of a massage]

Me: No, I haven’t. No thanks.

Woman: How about this? Would it be okay with you if I book that for you prior to your massage and it be complimentary? I’d love to do that for you today.

Me: Sure! [keep it together…..]

Woman: Ok, can you come right now?

Wow! I’m not usually the recipient of such kindness. I was speechless. I ran out the door and to the spa. When I walked in, they immediately said “Hi Danielle.” They knew it was me. Sometimes, the best thing is someone saying your name because they know you. They see your identity. [Ok, so what that they knew me by blood shot eyes?!] I thanked the woman for her kindness. She just said, “That is why I’m here today. I could tell by your voice that you were sad” Now, I’ve never spoken to her or seen her. I did not recognize her at all. She walked me back even though I knew the way and the routine. She spent extra time with me, when it was unnecessary.  The bath was literally my idea of Heaven. It was detoxifying physically, emotionally and spiritually. I could write a whole post about the bath experience. It reached my core.

Later that afternoon, the spa called, which is something that they have NEVER done before. The guy told me that the person who booked my appointment was the owner and that she asked him to call to check on me. Again, a reminder. That day, she was not just a “spa owner.” She used what she had in her “tool box” to speak right down to the soul. It completely changed my day and helped me turn my outlook on some things around.

I believe fully that the Georgia school incident could have turned out differently if it had not been for the office staff “seeing” the shooter. I listened to the full 10-minute 911 call in tears. I could feel her courage. I could feel her love for life and people in the way she spoke to him. I know she was dying inside but she continued on and spoke out what he needed to hear.

See someone today. Act on a hunch. What’s the worst that can happen? Everyone could use a kind word. Show someone “the way” and spend more time with them even though they already know. Sometimes its the company, not the routine, that speaks.

Oh yeah...who carries notecards on them life a swiss army knife or chap stick? I DO!

Love,

Danielle