Kindness (including a bit about this Whole 30 business)

This morning, I read the article about the hurried mother who waited impatiently in line at Target. Her moments were transformed by watching a young man patiently and kindly help the older woman in front of her. You can read more about that story here. I appreciated so much about this story such as the woman’s recognition of the following: her impatience and role as the “learner,” kindness in the moment, and the character of this young man. Although she was hurried, she used this opportunity and she sought out the manger to share what she had seen. She acted. So many of us “miss” kindness in action because we are looking elsewhere. Others of us see it and often appreciate it, but we move on through our day without acknowledging it to others. We fail to act. 

I have always been the biggest fan of the random acts of kindness movements. It never ever gets old no matter which on which side I find myself. I was reminded recently as I stood in line at Starbucks and the man in front of me paid for my drink. He hurried away to the barista section before I could say thank you. I continued the gesture by paying for the person behind me. Now, it didn’t play out the way I expected. As we stood next to each other, the atmosphere grew awkward. There was no sign of appreciation or “thanks!” he just said “well, that changes things.” I’m not sure what that meant and he ordered his drink. We often misread the actions of others so I dare not call him unappreciative at all. I wondered if this was his first time to be the recipient of random kindness, kindness from a stranger he would never see again. Did he not know how to respond? I walked to the barista area to wait for my coffee and I thanked the man who bought mine. We chatted for a few moments and he quietly said, "When God blesses you with money, you share it with others.” Apparently, he starts this "pay it forward" at Starbucks frequently. As we were chatting, the guy behind me rushed past us and out the door, making no eye contact.

It made me think of how good I felt for more than the rest of the day. One simple gesture changed my day and I immediately looked for ways to pay it forward throughout the day. I wanted everyone to feel as elated as I, and how easy that is to do with minimal time and money. It can feel awkward, I guess, to be the recipient. Through the years, I have learned to accept kindness with grace and appreciation. Sure I can pay for my own coffee. I can open my own door. I can carry my own bags to the car. It’s not about the action itself. It’s about what’s in between – the connection, taking a baton of kindness to pass on, allowing another to follow through with a hunch or a whispering he or she feels, connecting with others, and/or allowing people to just simple give back to this world, universe, God, whatever they or you want to call it.

Kindness has been researched. I was reading through articles on this website (I encourage you to visit it!). A few effects of kindness are:

• It reduces effects of stress
• We feel better when we help others
• Acts of kindness leads others to do acts of kindness
• Our brains are wired to be benevolent
• It’s a win-win-win: we feel better, recipients feel better, and by-standers/witness feel better
• We can help children develop empathy and kindness can be taught (there are even pilot programs for schools)

I’ve always considered myself to be a kind person. I married the kindest person I have ever met in my life. As kind as I try to be to and with others, I’ve noticed that I don’t offer that kindness to myself. I know some of you are just like that. I work in a job where I care for others and one that is emotionally taxing every single day. It doesn’t  I don’t leave enough time for me to care as much for myself as I do clients. I get home late and I fill my body with what’s quick. I am more of a “foodie” so I love trying new foods but I overdo it. I ignore signals from my own body to stop and eat or to simply stop eating. I don’t exercise. I use my “kindness” and my job (which is also my mission) as an excuse to neglect the most important person, me.

To start this year off after the holidays, I made a vow to prioritize myself. I started the Whole 30 program 3 days ago. Today I am on day 4. I chose to start this particular program for the following reasons:

1. It includes meat, vegetables, fruit and nuts. Dairy, grains and sugar are not allowed. By the way, sugar is in dang near everything! Go ahead and look at that unsuspecting label. I’m allergic to cow’s milk yet I indulge in cheese and milk products daily. I knowingly and unknowingly consume sugar because “well, it’s in everything. How can you avoid it?”  I’m learning to create meal plans that are kind to my body right now. I am forced to learn how to cook and enjoy vegetables. I read labels and choose products that are better for my body.
2. I rely on comfort foods. I am most definitely an emotional eater. I need to start to learn in these 30 days to turn to other things for comfort which may depend on the moment or circumstance- scripture, my husband, the treadmill, a walk outside, a break, a quiet moment with a piece of fruit, whatever is healthy. I cannot fill empty places with chocolate, pasta, or “the newest food” on the foodie trail.
3. I need and want to be healthy. No surprise my cholesterol is high but overall I’m considered healthy (healthy with a few pounds to spare to put me back in the right section of the BMI chart). I want to stay healthy. If I do get sick, I want to be the healthiest version to fight it. I have only 1 body and let's face it, I'm getting older. 
4. I fear failure. I multi-task. I plan well. I’m a finisher but I ave learned that I only start what I know I'll finish.  My success is achieved by my lack of failures and not by trudging through and restarting after failure. This endeavor scared me because it’s so big for me. I planned to fail; therefore, I had to plan to finish. I told myself that if I fail, then it wouldn’t be the end of the world and I won’t beat myself up, BUT I cannot plan for that “if.” I had to shift to “when,” “when I finish.”
5. It’s biblical. It was ingrained in us as children in the church, “your body is a temple,” but really, I only remember this in the context for advocating for abstinence. As a church, we should expand beyond that to include all aspects of self-care. It most definitely applies to our diet and nutrition. I’m remind myself of this and highlighting and posting near my food diary the following verses: Ephesians 5:29, 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 and 10:31, and Romans 10:31.

My husband is doing this Whole 30 program with me. We are figuring it out together and it has been much easier than expected (although still hard sometimes). This weekend, I have had the flu and have been sicker than I have in a long, long time. Yesterday when I woke up, I only wanted pho which is not compliant with the program. I recognized this as most likely a “comfort” and I would allow myself grace should I fall off the wagon when ill (for good reason?) but I vowed to fight that urge for hours and then reassess. I stumbled into the kitchen to find the chicken broth I had made a few nights before on a whim (what else do you do with the rotisserie chicken carcass to get your money’s worth?). I filled it with celery and carrots from the fridge (which I normally would have never had on hand). It filled the spot and immediately I felt better. The urge to have pho was gone. We finished the rest of the day compliant. It felt like the biggest win because I was able to move past it – the psychological battles are the worst. Repeat that whole morning this morning when I woke up feeling the same way, but again, I made it!

This physical and dietary journey is teaching me so much spiritually and mentally. I’m learning so much about my body already. I'm learning kindness in a whole new way. 

As we continue on in 2016, to whom do you need to show kindness? Those unlike you? Your family? Yourself? You can get great ideas on the website mentioned above at this link.  

Do something everyday, will you? Even just acknowledge kindness. Like the woman in the article above, tell a supervisor when you spot kindness in employees. As we say in the ABA world in terms of increasing behavior, "you get more of what you attend to." Let's seek it out and acknowledge it in our children, employees, family members, everyone! It reminds me of this quote by Thomas S. Monson: "When we treat people merely as they are, they will remain as they are. When we treat them as if they were what they should be, they will become what they should be."I would love to see my newsfeed full of more of these articles and stories than the tragedy, bigotry and negativity that often fuels posts. 

We are all catalysts for change and making a better "us," and I am pretty sure it starts with kindness. Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi). No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted (Aesop). 

Danielle