ONE

As I’m sitting on my bed in the midst of a horrific round of the flu choosing between golf or basketball on the TV because we have no cable, my brain starts going at an astronomical speed, hitting me all of a sudden, processing the power and theme of ONE in my journey.

The thoughts starting coming this week mid-week and began over recycling. Yes, recycling is turning my world upside down in the most intangible and tangible ways. I’ve loved growing my recycling community (for background on that: visit here or why I’m even doing this: visit here) and I love love love being presented with "treasures," other people’s trash! Did I just write that?! I love it because it means they thought of me, they thought of the less fortunate—the orphaned, and they thought of my journey and they showed me in a tangible way. It also gives them a way to help ONE child—my future daughter. Because statistics are gripping but overwhelming, it is easy to brush them off because its just too hard to do something about it. This week, the word /image of ONE keeps popping in my head as I choose how to spend money, pick up and save an extra bottle, or take a bag of recyclables from a co-worker or friend. I love how this recycling project is giving everyone a chance to be involved, and I know it is going to show my entire village how when we work together we move mountains.I also firmly believe that when a dream is placed in your heart, God sees it to fruition. Once a leap of faith is taken, things start to fall into place.

I was reminded of this mid-week in the midst of my own negligence. I was leaving work and saw 2 small bags of shredded paper. Normally, I snatch this up on my way out and happily throw it in the trunk. On this day however, I was just tired. I could feel sickness coming on in my lungs. It had been a long day. My arms were full. That extra trip to the car, I felt, would just do me in and be the straw that broke the camel’s back. So, I left it. I hesitated, but I left it. On my way home, as I often do while driving, I felt a dialogue with God brewing:

God: You should have taken the paper.

Me: I know but it was just 2 small bags. I won’t miss it. I’ll make up for it next time. It won’t happen again. That was stupid, I know, because it broke my diligence. I've been saving everything in sight.

God: It’s not about the paper. Remember my 2 mantras I planted in your thick skull? Be expectant. Be intentional. You doubted. I’m in the small stuff, and I grow the small stuff into large stuff. Everything is a gift in this village. When you overlook one can or one bottle because it doesn’t seem significant or enough, you overlook one person who wants to be part of your village or prevent me from doing my job. What if I looked at your offerings the same way? 

I felt bad over the paper. I could feel the words “Be intentional” as I walked by the paper, leaving it. I know that you may be thinking "Its just paper," but it's not.

I realized that it is the people behind this project—not the actual number of recyclables, type, etc. that matter. I’m asking to build a village and people are coming forward. I remind myself: Honor it. Be supported. Appreciate it. The cans and bottles and “things” are tangible ways I’m being shown love and support. 

When I went in to work the next morning and flipped on my light, tears started to spring. Those two little bags of trash were sitting under my desk. A co-worker had seen them and put them in my room so that they wouldn't be discarded. She had no idea that I had left them there purposefully (and with later regret). My heart overflowed at that moment. The tiniest act of love can mean the most. [Muchas gracias, Alicia, te amo!] It was yet another reminder that there will be times on this journey that I’m just tired, but I have a community walking alongside me. 

I wanted to give you a little update. So far, with recycling alone, I’ve added $75 to my “adoption” savings account in less than a month! I'm working on babysitting rates so I haven't sent that out yet--many of you have asked.

Want to join my village of recyclers and supporters? I take the following "gifts of love" for recycling:

• Aluminum cans
• Beer and wine bottles
• Glass bottles of drinks or spaghetti sauce
• Tin cans (soup) – I wash mine out then send them through a ride in the dishwasher
• Newspapers
• Plastic water / Gatorade bottles / large water bottles (lids/tops can be on them)
• Plastic juice jugs (if it’s not CA CRV, they take them at a reduced rate)
• Shredded office paper (not loose office paper)

I keep it in the garage or in my trunk so you can give it to me along the way as you get it or save up and give me a larger bag. I am going to the recycling center once every other week or so. I’ll take it when it’s easy for you!

So, go ahead and drink that bottle of beer or finish off that bottle of wine because you deserve it. Give a thought or send a prayer out for the orphaned, and toss the bottle/can into a bag for me.

Also, feel free to pass along my blog to someone you know or collect recycling at your work and allow others to be part of this project. I have a bin right outside my door to make it easy for co-workers to participate. You can even get free containers at this website.

What else am I doing? 

Filling my piggy bank! All that loose change goes into the pig. I’ve emptied it once and deposited $42.

Oh, and the last thing I’m doing?

Being expectant. Being intentional. Every cent counts. Every can has worth. Every person bearing a bag of “stuff” makes up my village. We will change the life for ONE.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Danielle

Where my heart is

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
-Matthew 6:21

Does this look like treasure?

Just 1 month ago, I would not have said “no” but “hell no!” I like things clean. I like things organized. I don’t keep “stuff.” I already envision trashing the magazine before I’ve even finished reading it. I love purging—I spring clean at least 3 times a year.You will never see me on Hoarder's.

The above pictures show me now. Now, I’m not annoyed. I don’t see junk, I see the future. I see inconvenience on a lot of fronts. I hear laughter. I feel the whisper of a reminder of provision from above. I feel the pride radiating from the Heavens that a child is being obedient and following in His son's footsteps in caring for the orphan. I feel the weight of carrying around a kid that’s too tired from fun or carrying the child in a football hold because there’s a tantrum and I’ve abandoned my shopping cart because I’m too embarrassed to stay in the store. I feel the satisfaction (though not ease) of a dream come true for one big girl and one small girl. I feel the sense of completion, already.

I’m now addicted to other people's junk. I no longer see it as junk, a nuisance, or inconvenience…or just not worth the time. It now hinges a community on a foundation of support and preparation. Thank you to all of my “recycle crew” that is finding, keeping, and giving me recyclables—especially to those of you, who like “my former self,” find it hard to hang on to them when a dumpster is oh-so-nearby-and-calling. I’m excited for this to see how bringing it all together adds up. I’m really hoping for a miraculous fishes & loaves turnout this year (I’ve got the theme of provision filtering through life these days). For my friends who don’t attend church, I’m going to post the story at the bottom of the post for reference. For more info on this project (the “what” and the “why”), see here.

Intentional.

Expectant.

Love,

Danielle

The story of the fishes & loaves (Matthew 14: 13-21, the Message)

When Jesus got the news, he slipped away by boat to an out-of-the-way place by himself. But unsuccessfully—someone saw him and the word got around. Soon a lot of people from the nearby villages walked around the lake to where he was. When he saw them coming, he was overcome with pity and healed their sick. Toward evening the disciples approached him. "We're out in the country and it's getting late. Dismiss the people so they can go to the villages and get some supper." But Jesus said, "There is no need to dismiss them. You give them supper." "All we have are five loaves of bread and two fish," they said. Jesus said, "Bring them here." Then he had the people sit on the grass. He took the five loaves and two fish, lifted his face to heaven in prayer, blessed, broke, and gave the bread to the disciples. The disciples then gave the food to the congregation. They all ate their fill. They gathered twelve baskets of leftovers. About five thousand were fed.

confirmation....

Yesterday, I sent out a very personal blog post. I feel like I always have the angel and devil situated on my shoulders like you see in the cartoons. One whispers truths and one whispers lies, and unfortunately the lies are easier to attend to because you’ve already told them to yourself over and over in the past. As soon as I woke up, my first thought was “What the hell were you thinking by spilling your innermost thoughts, blasting them all over the internet to the whoevers in whereever-land?!” This came to me a few times as I was writing it yesterday too since I’m an introvert who gets grumpy when someone gets in my business when its not my idea or within my time frame to share that information.

On the way to work this morning, I was thinking about one of my loves at work and something that happened last week when I saw him. We played a game while working on our language skills to make it more enticing. Often games backfire as kids start to become competitive. I never let kids win since that is not “real life” for them so its all up to chance with the spinner as it would be with their friends. Well, “G” went first , counted spaces, and then made his way with his pawn to his designated spot. Then I went and scored a higher number and moved ahead of him. His face dropped. All he could see was what was immediately ahead and the fact that I passed him and he began to negotiate. I knew this was going to be a looooooong game! Then something I wasn’t expecting happened. When he took his turn, passed me, and put his pawn on his spot, he took mine and put it next to him. I asked why he did that because I hadn’t yet spun and he was ahead. He batted his long eyelashes and looked at me with his beautiful eyes, and he said “Because I love you and I want you to be right next to me.” He did this for every turn. He had no way of knowing that day how much I appreciated someone swooping me up and taking me alongside--even if during a silly game. Okay not a big deal in the grand scheme of things other than it melts your heart? Not for me. I spend a lot of time looking ahead at the obstacles in the immediate future, not considering the vastness ahead of those or even the finish line, and I’ve subsequently forfeited a few dreams. This was a loving reminder that I needed to spend more time “looking back” to appreciate how far I’ve come, provisions have always been made, and how I’ve been prepped for where I am now.

I was thinking of that this morning as I drove down the 22 headed for work while staring into a dismal horizon. The sky was an ugly blue, still sleepy with rain in the forecast. I glanced back in the rearview and my breath was taken away by the sun waking up and reaching over the mountains. The sky was all shades of orange and utterly amazing to see. Then, when I looked ahead, I began to notice that the back of the signs reflected the orange color as did the windows of tall office buildings. The light trickled ahead allowing me to see it in places that I would not have thought to look had I not seen the sunrise behind me. Yet another timely beautiful reminder.

I knew then that this was my confirmation for posting yesterday. The exposure and transparency of my story will help others check their “rearview” and look back in order to gain encouragement to look ahead again and continue pursuing their dreams, whatever they may be.

It is time....

So many of you have asked…What are your plans? What is this glow that you have about? What’s the latest with your adoption dream? Well, this post should answer those questions and more importantly let you know how you can be a part of it.

For a background, please click here for the post that explains why I didn’t move to Austin and about the beginning of actively praying for a child in need.

Why adoption?

I’ve walked around with a heavily weighted heart for orphans for years and stayed within the “one day” state of mind. On November 6, 2011 at NewSong, we had Orphan Sunday. Several adoptive families went up on stage to dedicate their children who have “come home.” It was a beautiful celebration with tears of joy but also with tears of sadness. These families are truly my heroes. So many already have “the perfect” biological family but have chosen to further open their hearts to love the orphaned through foster or adoption. On that Sunday, I prayed for a child that needs/will need a home and would be mine. I’m not sure if he/she is born yet or what his/her current circumstances are but I prayed that God would prepare our lives to one day meet. This was step one of the process.

I’ve always wanted to adopt, from a young age, and I’m not sure how I came to want that because I knew no one that had adopted. I was also not accustomed to seeing multiracial families. It was when I went to Guatemala and South Africa and visited orphanages that it solidified in my heart and made sense. This is just who I am and the seed was planted from early on.

I want the family I dreamed of with a as-close-to-perfect-as-you-can-get-and-still-be-normal husband, me, and kids of our own along with adopted children. Until now, that hasn’t been in the cards for me. In a perfect world, I’d have that prior to initiating this whole process but we don’t live in a perfect world, do we? If we did, this post would be unnecessary and adoption would not even exist. I never wanted to settle down early because I wanted to be successful and independent as a woman first and have some dreams put to rest before having children. Unfortunately, this leaves me, along with many other women in their 30s, with limited options in the man department. Having been single and “in waiting” and still holding out hope for the one that God intends me to have, I know the loneliness of being alone and feeling like the one last chosen to be on the kickball team in elementary school. I feel like in a similar but different and very very small way, I feel the same as many children out there in need of a home. We both ache for different reasons but both long for a family and someone to be on “our team” for good. More on that can be found on this blog post.

Since that time, I’ve been busy researching blogs of women who’ve charted the path of adoption as a single, interviewed single moms on their juggling and budgeting skills, started a specific savings account for adoption, and have attended adoption meetings through international agencies and Orange County Social Services. There was a lot of “safe” action going on in the name of preparation for that “one day.”

In the past few weeks, I feel this urging and voice that says “it’s time.”

It feels that the dialogue is continually this:

God: It’s time

Me: “One day”

God: It’s time

Me: I’m prepping

God: Put feet on it. It’s time. Create a space and I’ll fill it.

This moves me out of my comfort zone and prompts me to action. It feels like when you are a kid and you go on the high dive for the first time. You stand at the edge that moves with your weight and stare down at the water. I’ve been standing there a long time.

The themes that come to mind are:

Be intentional.

Be expectant.

I’ve been fortunate to have such a supportive community and thank those of you who have offered countless words of encouragement or who have attended meetings with me so I’m not sitting alone among couples.

I appreciate any words of encouragement or advice in planning. Please do refrain from saying things like the following—phrases which I’m more than capable of telling myself:

• Having a child is hard.
• Raising a child is expensive.
• It's hard without a husband/I fall apart when my husband is on a business trip.
• Are you sure you want to do this?
• That’s a big responsibility.
• You’ll have to change your lifestyle.

I get it. It will be hard, I know. I know that I can’t even fathom how hard it will be until the time comes. I know that it'll be even harder because I'm loving children who no longer trust adults. I know that I’m taking the road less taken. I know I’m putting the “cart before the horse.” I know that I will raise a huge question mark.

But I also love this: It further creates my story—the story that was written for me long ago and it being fulfilled. It opens doors for conversation. It opens doors for healing. It puts me in alignment to being me.

Here are some other things I do know:

I’m strong and I persevere-always.

With being single and having family on the other side of the nation, I haven’t had the luxury of depending on others for help with big-decision making, doing mundane tasks, or just making life easier in the simplest of ways. I know what is like to drive yourself to the ER with a pain level of 10 on the 1-10 scale because no one is available when you need to go. I think this long journey of inconvenience has been great prep for this moment. I’ve learned so much through even the small tasks. One day before a wedding, I tried to get dressed and the dress was new and impossible to button by one’s self because the button holes (2 of the #$%@ things) were cloth and not worn in yet as well as dang hard to reach without rubber arms. The inability to simply get dressed for yet another person’s wedding caused a mini-meltdown. I was determined to do this and after 30-45 minutes of sweating off my make-up, shouting expletives at the top of my lungs, and cursing singleness for this one day, I buttoned those 2 buttons. I know that it’s a menial task but it was just the tip of the iceberg of bigger things. Besides, this dress made my womanly parts look even womanlier so it was going to this wedding.

I know who I am.

Much to my dismay, I followed friends’ prompts and tried online dating. As I filled out the profile and was forced to think about who I am, I wondered how many married or dating couples are able to describe themselves (in “I” not “we”) at the drop of a hat. It was good practice to remind myself of all that I am. I’ve had many near misses in my past and have had more than 9 lives at this point. I know I’m here for a reason. I’ve always known I’m meant to be a mother—even if not in the most conventional way.

I have a village.

I have the support of family and friends. I’m also walking the journey with others who have adopted at NewSong. I’m surrounding myself with amazing women and mothers through Mom’s group on Friday mornings at NewSong. I have a supportive work environment. I’m great with networking for common denominators.

I am obedient and that obedience will be honored.

I’ve had quite the list of “I’ll never” in my past and each one has come to pass. I think God must have written each one on a post-it note and dropped it down in my timeline at random times while he sat back to enjoy the show. With each one that has come to pass, I feel like he reminds me “My plan is so much better than your plan.” This has been tried and true so I know it’ll continue. One “I’ll never,” has been to never adopt domestically because of the fear and reality of reunification of the child with the birth family. I said I’d only adopt internationally which has been my heart’s desire for as long as I can remember. Now, I’m open to both and am obedient. I know the right situation will present itself and it will work out.

I know that God will provide.

God’ heart is adoption. God has a special place for children and he not asks but demands that we care for the orphans. I have no doubt that with some adjustments on my part, we will be okay.

So, big breath. That’s where I’m at.

Now, how can you be involved?

An African proverb (supposedly African) says “It takes a village to raise a child.” It also takes a village to bring one home.

Want to know some tangible ways you can be the Village right now?

Here are a few easy ones I’ve thought of:

1. Recycle: If you'll save your bottles and pass them on to me, then I'll recycle and put that money into the savings account. I've found that when I save up for months, I barely make enough to buy a latte. I just feel better about taking care of the environment and doing my part. If we think like a village, and put all of the recycling together, so much more can go toward bringing a child home or providing a safe home from abuse. If you are willing to donate recyclables (bottles, juice and water jugs, ink cartridges, beer and wine bottles), then I could pick them up from you when you need or get them at work/church. Free money! You could also watch the village grow by asking your co-workers or students (for teachers) to put recyclables aside for this. If you are willing to do this, please send me an email.
2. Hire a babysitter-me!: I've decided to practice giving up some fun weekend nights to care for children. Should you need a babysitter, let me know! You can message me for rates and specifics. All money will go to the adoption savings fund.
3. Pray: you can email me for a list of specifics

This blog was long. This process will be long. I've designated 2012 as the year to pay off as much debt as humanly possible and to prepare. I'll start the application process in early 2013. Thank you for reading, hoping, praying, dreaming with me, and for possibly becoming involved. Please remember to be expectant and be intentional along with me.
Much much love,
Danielle