Two little words to avoid with new moms

Being pregnant was such a fun and exciting time. I so appreciated all the kind words and gestures I experienced. There was one phrase, however, that I hope I never or rarely use when chatting with future and new moms.

It's only 2 small words. It's two small words that can belittle one's experience. It can make someone feel as if their experience could not possibly hold up to someone else's. Seeds of comparisons are planted.

"Just wait."

You've heard it. You've used it. I think it's used with good intentions. But, what if we exchanged silence for "just wait." What if we, instead, just empathized. We can start with "I remember those days" or "It's a learning curve for sure" or "I know it's frustrating/emotional/logistically challenging." Seasoned mamas, you've been there. Remember how new and hard it was?

It begins before the baby even makes his or her entrance. If a pregnant woman is sleepy and was up most of the night, you know what comes next - Just wait until you are up every few hours feeding a baby. Just wait until the baby gets here. Then, it's usually followed by other unsolicited advice. 

And why does it always come with that guffaw or chuckle?

When struggling to wrangle up a tiny weightless newborn in a car seat, I don't need to hear "just wait until the baby is 25 pounds and you have to carry that thing!" I know my baby will grow. I know that if it is hard now, then it will get harder. I only have today's experience though, and I don't need to borrow from tomorrow. Going to the grocery store with one child is hard; no one needs a "Just wait until you have 2 kids/3 kids/4 kids!!" Things will get harder but they may also get easier. I'll become less rattled, less over-cautious, stronger, etc.

Really, we need to stop with the "just wait" comments. I never heard any that ended with "it only gets better" or "you will love each day even more." It was always something negative.

I honestly preferred seeing childless friends during pregnancy and after because of comments like "just wait" that were inevitable. It comes from strangers too.

I get it. I'm only 5.5 months into motherhood and when I hear my new mom friends make comments, my mind goes to those thoughts sometimes. I keep them to myself because we are different, and my thoughts are a result of my experiences. We handle our experiences based on our unique capacities and resources. Overall, what's the point of saying something to her that she may or may not experience?

Seasoned moms are so valuable. There's always someone in your shadows who will glean from that wisdom and experience. I think reframing the mindset behind the phrase bearing good intent is imperative when reaching out and extending a hand. Motherhood is different and difficult at all ages and phases, no? 

After only going this far into motherhood - in the very shallow ends, I know I want to be more positive with other mothers. I want to remember what a huge and emotional transition it was. I want to remember how all those decisions made in the post-partum suite felt like they had life long implications even when they didn't matter 5 minutes later. I want to remember how wonderful and hard maternity leave was. I want to make "the first day back to work" special. I want to be present and listen instead of think ahead of the present and overshadow someone's experience with my own. I know mistakes are inevitable, but I'm doing my best to avoid saying "just wait." 

Find that new mom today or "the mom behind you" and offer time, a meal, a listening ear or some time alone. 

Love,
Danielle

Maternity leave

I last left off with E’s birth. What a crazy chaotic beautiful time it has been between then and now (back to work with some sort of schedule).

Maternity leave was truly indescribable in the best of ways and the hardest of situations. I have felt every emotion I think possible from the slightest to the greatest on the continuum. Sometimes, I passed from one end to the other so quickly I had whiplash!

I’ll pick up from the point of leaving the hospital. We were so excited and scared. I think this was the slowest and scariest drive from Mercy to our home. I sat in the back with E and Luba drove.
 

she is too little to ride in a car!

 

 

death grip on the steering wheel

 

 

Shortly after arriving home, we were greeted by a dear friend. She showered us with generosity and hospitality. These are truly her gifts. She gives so much of her resources (time, love, meals, you name it) to others. We felt enveloped. As tired new parents, that was hard to beat. We didn’t even know what we needed, but she did. She doesn’t just live down the street so she made a solid drive to love on us. Thank you, Irene! [Side note: we met Irene as soon as we moved to STL. She invited us over for dinner. Luba met her through South African connections online. Spending time with a South African family has helped to alleviate some of the homesickness).

 

 

Luba was able to be off for a week. That week home with Luba with just the three of us has been the highlight of my life. Becoming a family of 3 at home was just the best. We both got up with every feeding. We held this girl all day every day. We sat around and stared at her. We looked at each other in wonder -can you believe we created something so beautiful?! Living out the emotions and mistakes was important to us so we opted to not have family too involved this week. We knew everyone would be helpful, but we wanted it to be our moments, our way. We wanted to make all those mistakes first-time parents make and feel all those emotions. Friends’ visits were limited too. I had heard too many “just wait” moments while pregnant and after, and I honestly didn’t want veteran moms to spoil it. [I have a feeling that will be a “what not to say” blog post]

When Luba went back to work, my mom came for a week. It was fun to see her see E for the first time. Those were special moments.
 

I took a longer maternity leave than I expected or could afford. I was surprised that maternity leaves are not paid and short disability through the state does not pay out. I realized so many things after leaving the California cocoon. However, we saved as much as we could and honestly hoped and prayed for the best. I knew I would have one maternity leave, one biological child. I did not want to have regrets over the difference of a few weeks. I cherished every moment - even the ones that made me wish I were at work instead of home with an inconsolable infant. Don’t worry, the next minute, I would be crying over never wanting to work again. The emotions, and quick changes between emotions, were intense.

Highlights of maternity leave were:

 

Naps - sometimes this girl would not stay asleep and I was exhausted. If I put her next to me with my lips on her forehead, she would sleep immediately and for a long time.
 

Road trip to Mississippi to meet her grandfather and other family and friends - she also had her first fever and ER visit right as we planned to walk out the door for a 10-hour drive. SCARY

 

for real, though. Those leg warmers!

Reading - we read so many books now. When she is sleepy or restless, we may read 2-3. I love that she sometimes falls asleep hearing me read.
 

Baths - she loves them (like her mom)!
 

Late night feedings - this was truly sacred time. So many nights, I rocked her and prayed over her, cried over her and soaked her curls. I cried because I loved her so much, because what if she deserved a better mom, because one day someone will hurt her feelings, because I had to work. If you can imagine it- I have shed a tear over it.

 

Being able to visit cousins by just walking through the alley! My sister and family have helped out so much - nephews and niece as messengers bringing needed supplies, my sister relieving me of baby duties so I can breathe, etc.

nothing funnier than baby farts- especially when on your lap

Trying out all those things that look so easy when others do it (or just post the good pictures) such as taking “weeks” and “months” pictures

 

 

this is why her "weeks" pictures are in the rock & play
~ much less traumatic for both of us
 

I thought I may read a couple of books while home. I know, I know. Laughable. I had not finished a book while pregnant so why did I think I would read during maternity leave? Oh yeah, I remember - because you think of maternity leave almost like a staycation. One can shower, read, clean, watch TV all while the baby sleeps because when babies go to sleep, they stay asleep, right?

I did start to read one on the importance of the first 3 years and how to prioritize motherhood. I thought this may be a good book to read for professional purposes because my niche is 0-3/early intervention. One thing I have been very conscientious about is combating “mom guilt.” I’ve moved away from any person or situation that may incite this. In the hospital, it was the lactation consultant who reprimanded me for pacifier use. This book was the same. It started out okay other than a few statements about how babies mourn the loss of their mother when she is away. I’ll buy that even though it starts to sting after too many mentions. Once the chapter hit about daycare and how it’s the least desirable option for children, I tossed the book into the trash. It went right on top of the diapers full of poop.

 

I do not have much choice in childcare due to resources. We made a decision and are comfortable with it. I already think about all the “firsts” I’ll miss. I think of how other women will experience things with my child and know her in a way that I never will. That is haunting. She smells like daycare when I pick her up. I don’t need a book to tell me that my choice was detrimental to her because it's not. Damn this women for putting words out there that invite guilt in moms who do what they can with resources that they have or who have the resources but make the choice to work. I’ve been very careful to craft the rest of the day to limit distractions so that I can focus on her - rare weeknight evenings with friends, a modified work schedule so that I take her to daycare late if I work late so we have mornings together, meal prepping on weekend so I’m not in the kitchen in her last awake moments, etc.  

Ten weeks later, I went back to work. I went 2 weeks earlier to start part time so that I could delay full time. It worked out beautifully. I was able to work 4 or so hours a day while she went to daycare and then I still got to spend the bulk of the day with her.

So many of my California tribe texted me on the day I returned to work (so far away, they never forget me). Here, I got texts too. I got back to work to find a gift from co-workers to ease the shock of the day. I didn’t realize what a big day this is for women, and I’ll always work to make that day special for new moms returning to work every chance I get.

Being back at work was good for me. I enjoy working. I enjoy working in a profession that helps others. Having a conversation and making phone calls without fear of interruption (wailing) were welcomed. I am able to slow down when I eat and actually chew and taste my food - I haven’t yet mastered that though.

My "stand in" while I was gone

Eden & Luba sent me something as well to make the day better!

Overall, maternity leave was the hardest thing. Some days I spent watching the clock, counting the moments until Luba got back home. Other times, the day wasn't long enough to fit in all the naps and snuggles.  I miss it now. It's a funny thing because as soon as you get in your groove, you somewhat figure out this little person, start to venture out a bit with the baby, it's time to return to work.

It's still so hard to believe this is the new us! The only thing better than being the two of us is being the three of us.

 Love,
Danielle

E's birth

This is long overdue, but what can I say, I have a newborn  an infant. Some could even say, a new “boss.” I’ve meant to blog the birth story because so many have asked and it’s easier to post here (and I can slurp all these posts into a book for her).

I posted this bitmoji on the morning that I went into labor not realizing what the rest of the day would bring. Perfect.

On a Thursday morning, I had my usual weekly appointment at the OB. There was nothing happening- no dilation. She had not made her descent at all and was still comfortably nestled up high. There were no signs of labor. I headed on in to the office for the workday. I had a million things to do as I wrapped up all my maternity leave prep. On the way from the doctor to work, I just didn’t want to go stand in the sandwich shop in the busy lunch hour and wait so laziness and the convenience of delivery took over (Thank God). I ordered my Italian beef sandwich to be delivered from Pickleman’s and got busy. Less than half an hour later, the front desk staff called to say my delivery was there. I stood up and felt something. Was that my “water breaking?!” I was frozen. It kept going as I stood there. So many thoughts erupted. Was I peeing on myself? Usually, only a little comes out during laughing or sneezing events, right? Wait, it’s still coming. What about my sandwich? The delivery guy is waiting. Do I tell my coworker? I have plenty of time to do things right? I mean, she was just way up there. How fast could she get down and out?

I decided to go get my sandwich. I walked to the front and crossed my legs tight at the ankles as I stood to sign the credit card slip. I did not make eye contact with anyone as I scurried. I prayed for no stall, no quick chats with co-workers. I went back and put my sandwich down. Now what do I do? I told my coworker, “I think my water broke.” She then advised me not to eat the sandwich yet. I decided to go to the restroom to double check and make sure it wasn't a false alarm. I went to the bathroom. That for sure was what I thought it was. My water had broken. I just left the doctor with no baby in sight - how does this happen!? I went back to my desk and packed up my computer and gave my practicum student some materials and final instructions for our client the next day. I then got in the car and headed out. I called the doctor’s office to let them know my water broke as instructed to do at the end of every previous visit for weeks.

When I called the doctor, they asked me if I had someone to drive me. Our conversation went like this after I convinced there that, no, I had not wet myself:

Nurse: Do you have someone to drive you?

Me: not right now.

Nurse: You can’t drive yourself. Find someone to bring you.

Me: Well, I can wait 30 minutes or so to find someone to drive me and come, or I can be there in 10 minutes. I’m 2 exits away and in the car already.

Nurse: Come straight here. I’ll call ahead and tell them you’re on your way.

When I got on the highway, all “hail” broke loose. The hail storm started and I thought my windshield was going to break. This slowed down my speed but I made it quickly. I knew I would have reserved maternity parking as shown to us during our hospital tour. Of course, all the spots were taken as were every other spot in the parking structure. I started to panic. I tried to find valet but couldn’t. I was driving all over through open parking lots and the structure. Finally, I found one spot on the top of the structure. I parked and trudged through the rain. Then, I felt it again. I had no idea your “water” never stops. I was leaking everywhere and being rained on as I tried to figure out where the exit was to get to the elevator to go down to the first level and into the maternity center.

Someone hawking for parking asked me if I was leaving. When I told her that my water had broken and I couldn’t figure out how to get down to the first level, she went in full mama mode. She made sure she pointed me in the right direction, yelled Good Luck and drove off. I think I was in shock, still. Was this really happening?

I checked in so they could determine if I was staying. Okay, now this amniotic fluid deal is getting annoying. Why can’t it stop?!?! The nurse and midwife came in to let me know I was having a baby and to go ahead and call my husband to come in and that they were preparing a labor and delivery suite to send me to. My sister had already been prepared to bring Luba and was waiting on word that I would be staying. 

My sister and Luba came and we all made it to the suite. The suites at this hospital are huge and so nice. The goal is to labor in there, deliver and stay a couple hours after birth until transferring to another room. Long story short, I kept getting checked and no dilation, still. Pitocin was started and I endured the checks that never really yielded new information (least fave part to this point). No more dilation. It was going to be a long day. Since it was so early and I knew the labor phase would be long, I sent a hungry Luba out to the car for my sandwich and work computer. He ate the Italian beef sandwich I had ordered, and I worked. 

The doctor on call had come in and let me know that no baby would be expected before morning (8-9am) the next day. I had some contractions but didn’t really feel them. The hours blurred together until the next day. At some point in the night, I asked for my epidural. It wasn’t so much for the pain which wasn’t that intense but for the amniotic fluid. Did I mention it never stops?! I was so exhausted from going to the bathroom to put a fresh pad diaper on and then back only to need a new one. I’d rather just not feel it anymore or be cognizant of sitting in it. The epidural was nothing like I had imagined in my head all these years. I didn’t expect, however, to have my bed cranked up like a car at the mechanic.

On Friday the next day around mid-day, I had asked for a C-section due to a migraine that I had struggled with on and off for weeks. I was tired. My head was pounding, and I couldn’t take anything that would work due to pregnancy. I did not want to push and then go to a C-section. There was no real progress with labor. My doctor was the one on call Friday and I could not have been more relieved! I’ve loved her calm quiet kind personality from the beginning and it’s a perfect match to my anxious one. I knew she was exactly the person I would want in case of emergency or a sudden change of plans. I started to progress at the last minute and was ready to push within a short time. I was convinced then after a conversation with her that I should go ahead and try pushing. My words to her were “I don’t want to push for two hours and then have a section.” Because the baby was early and small and I was ready, I gave a vaginal delivery a shot. Guess what happened next…

I pushed for 2 hours and then a C-section was recommended. 

The C-section was not what I had anticipated. The anesthesiologist came in to beef things up. That needle scratch test? Whatever. I failed it. With each “do you feel that?” I said yes. Then, he would clarify, “you feel a sensation or you feel pain?” Again, the next time, I would say “I feel it.” We did the cat-chasing-its-tail thing for a while and then he said Dr. Shores would do it again in the room. By the time we left the L & D suite, I was shaking. It was violent by the time I made it to the OR. What the heck was that? I guess anesthesia does that to some unlucky people, per the nurse. I did not expect that skinny table shaped like the crucifix. I was so worried they were going to drop me during the transfer from my wide bed to the skinny table. Then, I couldn’t keep my arms on the table due to shaking so I had to have them held down. It all started out okay (minus the shakes), and then it wasn’t. I was over it. My head still hurt. What the heck was taking so long?! The baby came, and I want to say that I was overwhelmed with emotion and took one of those happy family pictures where the dad is hovering next to the crying mom’s head. You know the one… you can see the curtain blocking your view from your guts? I knew she would be well taken care of and be with her dad so I took a glance and went back to groaning. 

We became "three" at 3:55pm. She weighed 6 pounds 10 ounces.

At this point, I began to say “I’m all done” and “please hurry up” and “I can’t do this anymore.” I was aware of how grateful I was to have my doctor doing this surgery. She calmly told me that my uterus was bleeding more than it was supposed to and it was “very tired” like she warned me pres-section after all that pushing and that she was trying to stop the bleeding. More drugs came. Then, I felt the nausea hit and the dry heaving began. The anesthesiologist held the tiny kidney shape bowl by my head. After repeatedly telling him not to remove the bowl because I was sure something was on its way, I puked sideways praying it all fit into that bowl. Who knew you could vomit with your head turned to the side like a scene from The Exorcist?

Meanwhile, this was all happening:

Finally, it all finished and I was sewn up. Holy smokes did it feel like I was going to have my skin ripped off during that pull. 

After the C-section, I started to feel alive again in recovery. I had the blanket that allows warm air to be blown under which helped with the shakes. They were the worst part of the whole process. It was then that they brought Eden in and bathed her and gave her to me. Now, we got our first picture as a family.

Below is my favorite picture of her. She’s snuggled in against me in recovery, and I could finally focus on all of her and really take her in. She was the most beautiful thing, and she was ours. This was my magical moment. 

We spent the next 3 full days in the hospital hunkering down as a family of 3. Those were hard days but oh-so-good days. It was such a struggle dealing with the emotions that come as a new parent. Guilt over some small decision sets in immediately doesn’t it? I felt like I had to stifle some of the emotion, and I couldn’t get into a deep conversation with Luba because a nurse would be in at any moment to give meds or another person would check vitals. I had lost it a few times but got it together for fear of exposure or then having to discuss emotion with a stranger (nurse) when I needed to process it first. Everything felt abnormal although the roller coaster of emotions is normal (I know this cognitively).

We took the full time allowed in the hospital, and I’m so glad we did. These were some of the funniest times we have had too. If you’ve had a baby, then you can imagine the moments I’m talking about – those post-baby “body” moments. I savored every moment from the raw painful ones to the bending-over-crying to the what-just-came-out-of-my-body-and-can-you-pick-that-up moments.

We had a few visitors in the hospital too!

Here are some other pictures from our stay:

More on maternity leave in another post!

Love,

Danielle

Third trimester

Well, pregnancy fatigue was real. It was so real that I never “got around” to writing about the 3^rd trimester before she was born so I’ll do a quickie recap here before I post about her birth.

The third trimester was a mixed bag of tricks. It started out great, following along with the ease of the second trimester. It went well until around 30 weeks. I thought surely something was wrong with me. I was so sore and it hurt to walk around. It felt like I had ridden a horse for 30 days straight or went to the gym and used every machine in there 1000 times. I was also super busy at work prepping for my maternity leave – scheduling clients with other supervisors, making job duty descriptions of everything I do every day and assigning those to the staff we have, etc. I wanted everything to be taken care of plenty of time in case I went out early. I tried to plan for the unplanned. I was all kinds of worn out. I also learned that a "donut" was not just something that I had been overindulging in as a pregnancy craving....

Overall, the best part of the third trimester was the belly. I didn’t love the discomfort but I loved my bump. I was always in awe of how the woman’s body changes during pregnancy and the bond that I felt with the baby. She was then so “real” and we were slowly getting closer to meeting her. The curiosity and amazement were exhilarating. It was also the only time I could stop sucking in my paunch and wear tight clothes and embrace such a belly.

Bump pictures:

People kept asking if I was taking time off before the baby. My standard answer was that I would work until “she fell out” or when my water broke which may mean driving myself from work to Mercy Hospital (which is exactly what happened). I had never realized that short term disability coverage is not standard for everyone on maternity leave as it was in California. I was used to people being off before the baby and then receiving a portion of her salary during her maternity leave while on short term disability for 3 months after. Sadly, I learned only a few states in the USA offer this. This may or may not have caused a few days of mental breakdowns. I miss you California. Three months of unpaid leave with a promise to keep my job – get on board America. How are we so developed in some ways and so behind in basic care like this?! Anyway, that’s a post for another day.

By 35 weeks, we were pretty much ready (in a practical sense of the word "ready"). I always mentally prepared for going from work to the hospital so I kept my packed hospital bag and the car seat in the trunk. We had the car seat bases installed at the fire house.

 So strange to look back and see a car seat!

Thanks for the sweet helpful guys at the High Ridge Fire Department 

 packing HER bag

packing HIS bag

I had a few surprise showers! My co-workers planned a luncheon/shower which was a total surprise. I also had a surprise book shower with my book club ladies. They all brought Eden “strong women” books to build her library. She has some really, really great books!

   

We planned to have lunch at a new Saudi restaurant. Little did I know I would be the recipient of such generosity!

book club "aunties" 

My sister hosted a baby shower for us and no detail was left unplanned. It was a South African themed/safari shower. I’m not into the “cutesy” cartoon-like safari animals that are in most baby themes and my sister did a fabulous job incorporating animals into the theme. Our friend from South Africa, Irene, made the savory food. We had delicious South African influenced treats. My mom came for the shower so that was fun to have her there. We also spent time getting Eden’s room ready (more on her room later!). 

 koeksisters

During my shower, I really missed my California tribe. Not having those girlfriends around has been the hardest part of pregnancy. There are so many things I want to ask them or share with them in person and I definitely felt the absence. Those gems sent me a “shower in a box” – another total surprise. I received a box with gifts, decorations, and shower games for Luba and me to play (this also allowed him to be part of a shower since all the others were women only or co-workers). We had specific instructions on how to play each game and each game came with a prize for the winner. It felt like they were there – all of their personalities came through with each gift and game. The greatest gift they gave was intangible and went far beyond what was in the box. I was elated.

The weekend before Eden came, I got so much stuff done. My mantra was “let’s do it now in case this is our last weekend.” We went on a date to a nice restaurant. I also finished a class (completed 75% of it on Saturday) so that it would be finished “in case I delivered early.” It was a 6-week class through UC Davis that was set to run through my due date.

the 3 of us after dinner 

The Friday before I wound up giving birth, we had a "practice run" to Mercy. I had such severe heartburn, waking up in the early hours barely able to move. I had called in to the exchange at 4am after being up a couple hours and Luba went to CVS at 4 to buy medicine. By 7, it wasn't better so the doctor had me go in to double check that everything was okay due to severe pain. After having a shot of Mylanta laced with Lidocaine, I was back to baseline and on the way home.

Remember before I knew I was even pregnant, I had downloaded an ovulation tracker app. Well, I also downloaded a contraction timer toward the end of the trimester so I could be ready to head to the hospital on time. Again, not needed.

That's a quick run down of the third trimester and some of the biggest highlights. 

More soon, my breast pump is beckoning….

Danielle