To date, mine has been a hope chest that an old boyfriend made for me. It is a beautiful chest made of cedar and holds remnants of my past and manifestations of hope for what will be fulfilled in the future. I am a softie on the inside (I know, the exterior can be gruff) and treasure tokens of sentiment—hand written cards, unexpected or hand-made gifts, kind words, etc. I loved that he spent the time and energy to plan and build this gift. He probably has no idea how much that meant and still means to me. Well, he will when this post goes public….
Today, an appreciation for another gift came to mind as I sat in church service trying to find healing for a week of wounds. This gift should have always been in the forefront of my mind having had 34 Christmases thus far but it hasn’t struck me as much until this year. I’m most thankful for the gift of salvation which allows me my personal relationship with God.
A couple weeks ago, the verse Exodus 14:14 came to mind which says: The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. I thought it was in relation to something that had happened that week, not realizing it would be something I needed to hear in the week to come.
I know you know this kind of week that I had last week. It wasn’t just one thing or person that caused devastation but it was the daily disappointments that confounded thoughts that swirled in my mind about not being good enough, not deserving specific things, or feeling that when things are too good to be true they are. Every day made me grow more and more disheartened. Disappointment quickly turned into anger and I began to just “lose my religion” (remember that phrase?!) and just start asking a million and one WHYs and a few “Where are you Gods?”
I was reminded that I cannot “lose my religion” and saw the gift of salvation through different eyes. When I was younger, I saw God as something to fear—hence my weekly reciting the sinner’s prayer “just in case” and avoiding questioning the way things are out loud. The God I’ve met during adulthood when I came into my own faith is one who allows me to question and reminds me that I will not lose that gift of salvation. I know that even though I shook my fist in the air and questioned, God never left my side during that week and won’t in any other week. In fact, I’m sure he chuckled at my spiking levels of immaturity and nearsightedness. Although I see it as still being written, my story was written long ago. Because he made me a Type-A worrier oh-so-impatient control freak, he knows I constantly want to read ahead into the next chapter or peek toward the end—so of course he understands my humanness and would never punish me for it. My visual representation tends to be me walking alongside a father figure—sometimes I’m walking next to him and happily chatting, sometimes I’m mad and sullen and refuse to talk but still see him quietly walking beside me giving me my space to feel various emotions, and sometimes I see myself running ahead (we know how that story ends—usually a trip or two).
There’s a song by Audrey Assad that fits the mood quite nicely. She beautifully illustrates redemptive suffering and pain and how sometimes you have to just be in the pain because it has a purpose and that you just want God to be with you. Here’s a link to Youtube for the song and lyrics. It’s worth hearing for sure so go on ahead right now and click here to listen!
Back to Exodus 14:14, here’s how one commentary (Matthew Henry) describes it: “It is always our duty and interest, when we cannot get out of troubles, yet to get above our fears; let them quicken our prayers and endeavors, but not silence our faith and hope. Stand still, think not to save yourselves either by fighting or flying; wait God's orders, and observe them. Compose yourselves, by confidence in God, into peaceful thoughts of the great salvation God is about to work for you. If God brings his people into straits, he will find a way to bring them out.”
And so I wait, but with a greater appreciation of a very special gift this holiday season.
A side note:
Of course, I was reminded of the gift of friendship and community throughout the entire time as close friends listened to me complain, say really stupid and asinine things, and question things that seem really insignificant (but thankfully didn’t remind me of that). A huge shout-out to this 4-some:
- 1) Amanda who never looked irritated each time to on her door at work to ask yet another “Do you think x, y, z?” and checked in often during the day
- 2) Xuyen who agreed to eat or Shik Do Rak however many times I needed comfort food and as always indulged me some very candid discussions about the stupid things I’ve done in the most laughable way
- 3) Jenn L. who was always available on G-chat for my rambling and eager to make a plan to kick some ass
- 4) Brittany, who responded to all my frantic emails from Alabama (Wella Warthog loves Brinny Bear). I thank God that she is on the other side of the nation and is time zones ahead of CA so that I had messages of cheer or encouragement when I woke up.
Because I love pictures, here are some pictures of people who represent blessings & gifts God has given me. Friends make the holiday special.
