3!

Eden!

How are you 3 years old already? As everyone says, that went by in a blink of an eye and the years will continue to do so. I never allowed myself to get annoyed with the phrase "the days are long but the years are short" when I looked parents in the eyes as they spoke. I could see the regret, happiness, fear, longing, and a myriad of emotions tangled up. I knew it was a lament intertwined with a plea and words of wisdom to a parent of a young child. For that reason, your daddy and I have mustered up energy and sparked enthusiasm on many tired days to provide you with as many experiences and opportunities as we have been able. We have aimed to say "yes" to all those times that we can including longer bubble baths, walks outside when we are tired and want to rest, playing that game "one more time," letting you help in the kitchen when it slows us down, staying out into naptime, lying with Mommy instead of in your bed, turning off the turn signal to go home and heading to the library instead, etc. We want to extract every ounce of life out of each day to provide you with more ways to meet the world and make it tangible so that we can better launch you one day into it. 

As you will one day learn, you celebrated this year's birthday in the midst of a pandemic. COVID-19 pressed the "reset" button on the entire world. Country by country, people were infected or "at risk" and life changed quickly. You now remember we can't go to church or out to eat, and you shake your head and simply say "people are sick." You have also said that "we need to feel them better" knowing we have to stay home for now until the sick people get well. I'm not sure when things will go back to "normal" as we are teetering at the peak of it now, but we are already making our "to do" list of places to go. Your custom ordered Frozen II themed cake got canceled, but The Cakery provided you with a delicious cake with some themed colors and special blue sprinkles. We threw a topper on it and it was lovely. We played in Aunt Teesh's yard and then had dinner with them on the patio (all while physically distanced on opposite sides of the patio). We picked up take-out from Mi Ranchito, your favorite Mexican restaurant. 

This year has been filled with many adventures and lessons! A few of our highlights have been: 

• trip to Chicago 
• first swim lessons
• Thanksgiving in Mississippi with cousins
• potty training 
• visiting local fun places like Big Joel's Safari Park, Myseum, and the Museum of Transportation 
• attending your first wedding (Colin & Layne)
• park visits and walks around the neighborhood 
• transition to a toddler bed 
• festivals celebrating other cultures
• first trip to the salon 

You are a funny, smart, bright, spunky little girl. Right now, you love: 

• lying in bed with me every night and falling asleep
• snuggling when you wake up in the morning and come to our bed
• reading and visiting the library
• calling family in South Africa
• face timing friends and family
• puzzles - you're now doing jigsaw puzzles
• mexican rice, hot dogs, chocolate ice cream, taco meat, meatballs, spaghetti, M&Ms. lunchables
• going anywhere - you love to be "on the go" and are always sad when you see that we are home
• Frozen II and Moana 
• learning activities- tracing letters, matching numbers, iPad alphabet activities
• sneaking the word "stupid" into comments and then following up with a reprimand for those who would use that word 
• being dressed up at home -- you love buying, receiving and trying on clothes 
• going to children's church at The Crossing 
• helping me cook 

Here's to 3, sweet baby. 

I love you, 

Mommy 

Hope in the struggle

Blogging has become such a rare indulgence these days. I've missed it so much, but E has kept me very busy!


I cannot believe that Eden is already 9 months old- almost 10 months! Time does fly when you're having fun. We are marveling at her growth and development. She is passing through such a fun stage in development where she is engaging with us and moving around. She's a fast roller - she rolls all over the place (crawl, baby Girl, crawl). She is sweet and happy.


Because she is progressing in her development, she tries so many more things and gets so mad when she is unable to do something quickly. She spots so many shiny or forbidden things that are just out of reach. I watch her move her body and reach as far as she can to grasp things that she wants but they are just out of reach or she accidentally pushes them further away. She gets so mad and seems so helpless. It's hard to watch because I want to swoop in and hand her what she wants or push her along, but she needs to do this on her own for her own development and success. I wish she could see "it's right there....she's almost got it!" She's unable to see the smallest yet most significant growth as her movements progress and develop. I can see that she is on the cusp, but I'm sure she only feels the disappointment and vision of something just out of reach. She's going to be so happy when she does get it. If I hand it over so easily, she misses growth and satisfaction with her success. One day, she will have no recollection of this struggle. Like all of, she will throw her head back and laugh as we regale her with stories of her babyhood.

As I've sat back and watched this failed attempt so many times, I've been reminded of my own struggles. This move has been hard. Assimilation into our new city has only been slightly successful, from our perspectives. It does not yet feel like home. So many days end with, "What are we doing here?" We have so many goals that now feel unreachable. I feel like I'm always grasping for ideas or dreams that are just beyond reach or slip from my touch. I've had some really hard days, and it would be safe to say that the dark days far outnumber the good ones.


The other day as I watched Eden struggle, I was reminded of how hard it must be for a Heavenly Father to sit back and watch our struggles. It's really the same, isn't it? Our intents our known. Our struggles are acknowledged. The unattainable or slipped dream is painful. All along the way though, He has a view of what is ahead - our growth, our successes, our dreams realized, the happiness of a dream grasped. We can't see these small, yet significant, steps. But, He can. I imagine He is cheering me on as I blindly move in the direction I need to go, unable to see my growth sometimes due to the darkness or misfocus. So, I press on with faith that I'm closer and where I need to be at the moment. In due time, I'll by-products of faith and hope will be within reach, within my grasp, and tangible. 


I've found hope in the day-to-day acts of mothering and watching Eden grow. I've learned, and continue to learn, so many lessons in the stillness of night in the wee hours or the struggle of "step in vs. step back." 

I think that parenting has given me, and other men and women, a whole different dimension in their spirituality. 

I will filled with hope this weekend as she finally moved forward in crawling. It's happening! 

Now, excuse me while I go baby-proof the house and install plugs in all the outlets! 

With hope for us all, 
Danielle 

Two little words to avoid with new moms

Being pregnant was such a fun and exciting time. I so appreciated all the kind words and gestures I experienced. There was one phrase, however, that I hope I never or rarely use when chatting with future and new moms.

It's only 2 small words. It's two small words that can belittle one's experience. It can make someone feel as if their experience could not possibly hold up to someone else's. Seeds of comparisons are planted.

"Just wait."

You've heard it. You've used it. I think it's used with good intentions. But, what if we exchanged silence for "just wait." What if we, instead, just empathized. We can start with "I remember those days" or "It's a learning curve for sure" or "I know it's frustrating/emotional/logistically challenging." Seasoned mamas, you've been there. Remember how new and hard it was?

It begins before the baby even makes his or her entrance. If a pregnant woman is sleepy and was up most of the night, you know what comes next - Just wait until you are up every few hours feeding a baby. Just wait until the baby gets here. Then, it's usually followed by other unsolicited advice. 

And why does it always come with that guffaw or chuckle?

When struggling to wrangle up a tiny weightless newborn in a car seat, I don't need to hear "just wait until the baby is 25 pounds and you have to carry that thing!" I know my baby will grow. I know that if it is hard now, then it will get harder. I only have today's experience though, and I don't need to borrow from tomorrow. Going to the grocery store with one child is hard; no one needs a "Just wait until you have 2 kids/3 kids/4 kids!!" Things will get harder but they may also get easier. I'll become less rattled, less over-cautious, stronger, etc.

Really, we need to stop with the "just wait" comments. I never heard any that ended with "it only gets better" or "you will love each day even more." It was always something negative.

I honestly preferred seeing childless friends during pregnancy and after because of comments like "just wait" that were inevitable. It comes from strangers too.

I get it. I'm only 5.5 months into motherhood and when I hear my new mom friends make comments, my mind goes to those thoughts sometimes. I keep them to myself because we are different, and my thoughts are a result of my experiences. We handle our experiences based on our unique capacities and resources. Overall, what's the point of saying something to her that she may or may not experience?

Seasoned moms are so valuable. There's always someone in your shadows who will glean from that wisdom and experience. I think reframing the mindset behind the phrase bearing good intent is imperative when reaching out and extending a hand. Motherhood is different and difficult at all ages and phases, no? 

After only going this far into motherhood - in the very shallow ends, I know I want to be more positive with other mothers. I want to remember what a huge and emotional transition it was. I want to remember how all those decisions made in the post-partum suite felt like they had life long implications even when they didn't matter 5 minutes later. I want to remember how wonderful and hard maternity leave was. I want to make "the first day back to work" special. I want to be present and listen instead of think ahead of the present and overshadow someone's experience with my own. I know mistakes are inevitable, but I'm doing my best to avoid saying "just wait." 

Find that new mom today or "the mom behind you" and offer time, a meal, a listening ear or some time alone. 

Love,
Danielle

Maternity leave

I last left off with E’s birth. What a crazy chaotic beautiful time it has been between then and now (back to work with some sort of schedule).

Maternity leave was truly indescribable in the best of ways and the hardest of situations. I have felt every emotion I think possible from the slightest to the greatest on the continuum. Sometimes, I passed from one end to the other so quickly I had whiplash!

I’ll pick up from the point of leaving the hospital. We were so excited and scared. I think this was the slowest and scariest drive from Mercy to our home. I sat in the back with E and Luba drove.
 

she is too little to ride in a car!

 

 

death grip on the steering wheel

 

 

Shortly after arriving home, we were greeted by a dear friend. She showered us with generosity and hospitality. These are truly her gifts. She gives so much of her resources (time, love, meals, you name it) to others. We felt enveloped. As tired new parents, that was hard to beat. We didn’t even know what we needed, but she did. She doesn’t just live down the street so she made a solid drive to love on us. Thank you, Irene! [Side note: we met Irene as soon as we moved to STL. She invited us over for dinner. Luba met her through South African connections online. Spending time with a South African family has helped to alleviate some of the homesickness).

 

 

Luba was able to be off for a week. That week home with Luba with just the three of us has been the highlight of my life. Becoming a family of 3 at home was just the best. We both got up with every feeding. We held this girl all day every day. We sat around and stared at her. We looked at each other in wonder -can you believe we created something so beautiful?! Living out the emotions and mistakes was important to us so we opted to not have family too involved this week. We knew everyone would be helpful, but we wanted it to be our moments, our way. We wanted to make all those mistakes first-time parents make and feel all those emotions. Friends’ visits were limited too. I had heard too many “just wait” moments while pregnant and after, and I honestly didn’t want veteran moms to spoil it. [I have a feeling that will be a “what not to say” blog post]

When Luba went back to work, my mom came for a week. It was fun to see her see E for the first time. Those were special moments.
 

I took a longer maternity leave than I expected or could afford. I was surprised that maternity leaves are not paid and short disability through the state does not pay out. I realized so many things after leaving the California cocoon. However, we saved as much as we could and honestly hoped and prayed for the best. I knew I would have one maternity leave, one biological child. I did not want to have regrets over the difference of a few weeks. I cherished every moment - even the ones that made me wish I were at work instead of home with an inconsolable infant. Don’t worry, the next minute, I would be crying over never wanting to work again. The emotions, and quick changes between emotions, were intense.

Highlights of maternity leave were:

 

Naps - sometimes this girl would not stay asleep and I was exhausted. If I put her next to me with my lips on her forehead, she would sleep immediately and for a long time.
 

Road trip to Mississippi to meet her grandfather and other family and friends - she also had her first fever and ER visit right as we planned to walk out the door for a 10-hour drive. SCARY

 

for real, though. Those leg warmers!

Reading - we read so many books now. When she is sleepy or restless, we may read 2-3. I love that she sometimes falls asleep hearing me read.
 

Baths - she loves them (like her mom)!
 

Late night feedings - this was truly sacred time. So many nights, I rocked her and prayed over her, cried over her and soaked her curls. I cried because I loved her so much, because what if she deserved a better mom, because one day someone will hurt her feelings, because I had to work. If you can imagine it- I have shed a tear over it.

 

Being able to visit cousins by just walking through the alley! My sister and family have helped out so much - nephews and niece as messengers bringing needed supplies, my sister relieving me of baby duties so I can breathe, etc.

nothing funnier than baby farts- especially when on your lap

Trying out all those things that look so easy when others do it (or just post the good pictures) such as taking “weeks” and “months” pictures

 

 

this is why her "weeks" pictures are in the rock & play
~ much less traumatic for both of us
 

I thought I may read a couple of books while home. I know, I know. Laughable. I had not finished a book while pregnant so why did I think I would read during maternity leave? Oh yeah, I remember - because you think of maternity leave almost like a staycation. One can shower, read, clean, watch TV all while the baby sleeps because when babies go to sleep, they stay asleep, right?

I did start to read one on the importance of the first 3 years and how to prioritize motherhood. I thought this may be a good book to read for professional purposes because my niche is 0-3/early intervention. One thing I have been very conscientious about is combating “mom guilt.” I’ve moved away from any person or situation that may incite this. In the hospital, it was the lactation consultant who reprimanded me for pacifier use. This book was the same. It started out okay other than a few statements about how babies mourn the loss of their mother when she is away. I’ll buy that even though it starts to sting after too many mentions. Once the chapter hit about daycare and how it’s the least desirable option for children, I tossed the book into the trash. It went right on top of the diapers full of poop.

 

I do not have much choice in childcare due to resources. We made a decision and are comfortable with it. I already think about all the “firsts” I’ll miss. I think of how other women will experience things with my child and know her in a way that I never will. That is haunting. She smells like daycare when I pick her up. I don’t need a book to tell me that my choice was detrimental to her because it's not. Damn this women for putting words out there that invite guilt in moms who do what they can with resources that they have or who have the resources but make the choice to work. I’ve been very careful to craft the rest of the day to limit distractions so that I can focus on her - rare weeknight evenings with friends, a modified work schedule so that I take her to daycare late if I work late so we have mornings together, meal prepping on weekend so I’m not in the kitchen in her last awake moments, etc.  

Ten weeks later, I went back to work. I went 2 weeks earlier to start part time so that I could delay full time. It worked out beautifully. I was able to work 4 or so hours a day while she went to daycare and then I still got to spend the bulk of the day with her.

So many of my California tribe texted me on the day I returned to work (so far away, they never forget me). Here, I got texts too. I got back to work to find a gift from co-workers to ease the shock of the day. I didn’t realize what a big day this is for women, and I’ll always work to make that day special for new moms returning to work every chance I get.

Being back at work was good for me. I enjoy working. I enjoy working in a profession that helps others. Having a conversation and making phone calls without fear of interruption (wailing) were welcomed. I am able to slow down when I eat and actually chew and taste my food - I haven’t yet mastered that though.

My "stand in" while I was gone

Eden & Luba sent me something as well to make the day better!

Overall, maternity leave was the hardest thing. Some days I spent watching the clock, counting the moments until Luba got back home. Other times, the day wasn't long enough to fit in all the naps and snuggles.  I miss it now. It's a funny thing because as soon as you get in your groove, you somewhat figure out this little person, start to venture out a bit with the baby, it's time to return to work.

It's still so hard to believe this is the new us! The only thing better than being the two of us is being the three of us.

 Love,
Danielle