Today, as I celebrate an answer to prayers, a substantial
“gain” in my life, I am reminded of loss. Today, Luba left South Africa to
come to the United States. I am stoked. I am thankful. Our dream has been
realized. I am excitingly nervous. I am happy, really happy. This. Is. It. At
the same time, I am sad. I am heartbroken in a way that cannot be described,
but this heartbreak is not even a sliver of what his family feels.
Today, I am reminded that gain is usually accompanied by
some sort of loss.
Throughout this process, I have tried to remind myself each
time that I’ve celebrated steps and counted down days that I must honor the
sacrifice of both Luba and his family. I’m going to be totally honest, in the
beginning of this process I focused on my losses. It was all I knew. I’ve been
in survival mode on my own for years. I borrowed loss from the future and
neglected the present and more important, intangible and irreplaceable losses
from him and his loved ones. I remember the day that it hit me in the gut, one
of those powerful gut kicks from God. I was leaving my financial class at NewSong
and thinking of the financial turmoil I felt myself walking into and the weight
of becoming the “breadwinner.” Albeit temporary, I thought of what I would
exclude from my budget that I loved. Would I give up the cute toe designs? I truly
love them. They are my splurge and my 1 ounce of “girly-ness.” When I have
children, will I be unable to work part-time or more so not have the choice?
Would we have to have meatless dinners? The list of “what ifs” moved to the
forefront replacing all the beauty and gifts I would gain with this
relationship. Suddenly, I felt God say “Hey Selfish, wanna practice for
marriage and actually start thinking about someone else?!?!” Images suddenly
began rolling through my head, one after the other. A lot of those images were
faces-his parents, his nephew. Luba’s face was there. I heard laughter from a
boisterous close community. I heard songs in Xhosa that I knew from Sundays at
Harvester Church where his dad pastors. The difference was that all of those
things, people, places, identity, beloved country, culture, and friends were
irreplaceable like my pedicure, groceries, money, etc. It was at that moment
that I began to understand the depth of Luba’s future loss and his sacrifice so
that I would gain, so that we would gain. I felt such shame. How had I missed
something so simple? I knew that it was a wakeup call to do things as right as
I consciously could until his arrival [which will continue after]. I began to
seek out those who have immigrated here, especially those with a similar visa
journey, for input on how to best make a house a home, how to keep reminders,
etc.
A shift started that day in my thinking and feeling. I’ve
pursued that shift and continue to do so in order to be better prepared when he
is here. I know I’ll mess up at times, but I’m committed to being
conscientious. I was reminded that God has taken care of Luba to this point and
will continue to do so. I assigned myself as “breadwinner.” I put on that
weight I carried, no one else. I trusted God with the “big stuff” [which he
answered in miracle after miracle] but I put myself back in control with the
small details that I then let override the big. I had been my biggest obstacle.
So today, I celebrate and look forward to the hugest
exhalation I’ve ever produced once he shows up at LAX [tomorrow]. He has never been here
and this will be my first time on this side of international arrivals. But
today, I also mourn his departure with his family and for him. My promise to
them is that I will do my very best and all that is in my power to maintain the
connections. We will be and will lead a family by faith and trust in God. I’m
committed to building a bridge between the two countries and incorporating
South Africa into all possible.
Nosipho & Mqokeleli (and the rest of the family), thank you for this precious gift
and your sacrifice.
Love,
Danielle
