Why, Mississippi?

I write this as I struggle with so many questions this week about my home state of Mississippi. So many devastating articles have flashed before me just this week. I’ve written blog posts professing my love for the people of this state and who it shaped me to be in my childhood and early adulthood. I have slapped magnolias everywhere and have sipped my sweet tea with the fondest of memories of childhood. I have rallied those bulldogs with a cowbell.  When people ask where I'm from, I answer with pride. I’ve defended this state and have gone to bat for her against those stereotype-wielding critics. I’ve returned stereotypes and hateful history with current progress, my own success stories, and stories of the good people I’ve known. Lately, I’ve grown weary as I struggle to defend my beloved state and her proposed laws that I believe restrict others. I’m tired, but it’s so hard to walk away.

How has Mississippi come to choose what sins she’ll look past and which ones she will put laws into place to punish?

The right to refuse sale to gays and transgenders because of religion? Okay, I’m going with you here...I hear you speak of religious freedom. I totally understand that pastors have an issue with marrying a gay couple. I get that, and I believe so do the gay couples. I don't believe anyone wants to be married by anyone who doesn't hold similar beliefs. I wouldn't ask a Catholic priest to conduct my service or request to be married in a mosque. I believe that are some situations where one would have conflict with their religion such as ministers, priests, etc. Right now, people say that this bill only affects those businesses that are wedding related, but is it? Can it really stick to that? It seems pretty loose after spending the time to read through it myself. Have you read this or just the right or left wing articles online? A seamstress can deny a wedding dress? You are selling a dress, not your salvation. A bakery? Noone invited you to condone it or go to the wedding. I hear this argument about how a Jewish man would have to make a cake with a swastika...okay, has that happened yet? A black baker making a KKK cake because he doesn't have "religious freedom?" Has that happened yet? If so, it would have been an issue already. Please don't sweep this under the rug as an issue when the issue is really about gay couples. The other groups are hate groups. Gay couples must not be lumped into this comparison. I haven't heard any arguments other than these sorts of comparisons - which would not be an issue now. Those issues would have been battled already, no?

I can't even imagine this. I have been in homes of gay couples, Muslim families, Jewish families, Christian families, and quite frankly, "way out there" families. No matter what I think personally or spiritually, I am there committed to be the best dang behavior analyst or speech pathologist I can be. My workplace is my mission. I will continue to go into homes and shine a light, to be the best example of Christ I can be. I will not refuse to walk in the door and I will not refuse my God-granted mission, talent, skills for the sake of religious differences. How would anyone know God's/Jesus' love when they aren't given the platform from which to see it because they are too off the mark? The door is closed? The welcome sign has been turned around? 

I know businesses sell goods to those engaged in premarital sex (and a lot of it!), those who have stolen, those who have cheated on their spouses, those who have taken advantage of the poor, those who have hated, those who have abused children and elderly, those that abuse their wives without you even knowing it, and the list goes on. The last sentence is full of what I’ve known as sins in the church, yet there is no law prohibiting sales or denying happy fulfilled lives to those people. Who gets by with those? Freedom for a few? Why not freedom for all? I value my religious freedom therefore, I must equally value another’s right to choose no religion or a different religion. I can’t support restricting others for what doesn’t make sense to me or isn’t my choice for a lifestyle. I am so proud of my faith and it guides all of my personal decisions. I choose who I spend time with, and I engage in activities that are pleasing to those whose opinions I deem important including Jesus. However, because I’m human and I don't have the answers that eternity holds, I cannot restrict others that are more conservative or liberal in their beliefs. 

I will not support restricting two law abiding adults who have been in a committed relationship for years in their endeavor to answer a calling or fulfill a need in our foster care system. Too many children’s lives are at stake. I cannot imagine telling a child whose only dream is to be loved and have a family that their dreams can’t come true because my religion doesn’t support gay couples adopting. He or she must remain in foster care until a more “suitable” couple arrives. Your dreams are important kid, but I’m going to hold off on giving you a family.

This is also personal. A human rights issue to one is an issue to all. As a woman, I see how far we have to go for equality (really, wages are still lower for a woman? So hard to believe in this day and age). We still struggle with racial equality. We just have to be careful to think of everyone in regard to basic rights because too often we realize years later and look back to wonder how we could have been so naïve, or wrong, or inflexible, etc.

It’s personal to me because my marriage would have been illegal before 1964. Let us not forget the Lovings who were sentenced to a year in prison in Virginia for violating the Racial Integrity Act of 1924. 1964 was not that long ago but I thought Southern states, especially Mississippi, had made so much progress in the last few years. People actually believed so much in the color of skin prior to that law being deemed unconstitutional. People even supported that with biblical references too. I would not have been able to share my two loves- Mississippi and Luba.

This week I read the story of the couple that was evicted from the RV park because they were an interracial couple. This guy is a veteran, a sergeant per the article. When I was raised in Mississippi, we were proud of our veterans. My Mississippi would not have disrespected a veteran due to race. In the same article, the owner told the wife that he didn’t know she was in an interracial relationship because she didn’t talk like “she was married to no black man.”  Wow, how do I sound? When I speak, can you tell that my husband is black? What does that even mean? Am I supposed to talk using a certain phonological pattern that indicates black english vernacular? What have you visualized Mr. [restraining from name calling] as a “black man’s wife?” It’s baffling and for that reason, I will not restrict others’ right only to realize my sins in hindsight when too much damage is done.

I owe so much of who I am to my beloved home state. I’m finding that she is now, though, shaping me in who not to be. For that, I am deeply sorrowed. My hope lies in those who are just and who value equality to step up and be a voice for the marginalized and make a better and equal world for all. Let us show the strong side of Mississippi, the side we know is there but gets eclipsed by these stories. Let the love overshadow the hate and the fear. Commit to dispelling the stereotypes and showing who she can be, not who she was.

We can have equality and still have religious freedom to navigate our own spiritual paths.


On another note, maybe check your memos Mississippi, the Supreme Court already ruled all this unconstitutional.

Love well,
Danielle

Farewell Cornerstone

If you know me well, then you know I always tolerated Orange County. It is very beautiful. It is very clean. I see why so many love the area. The coastline alone reminds me of the beauty of creation and solidifies knowledge of the existence of a Creator. The beaches are truly a gift. Being able to stand on the edge allows one to inhale freshness and abundance and exhale freedom and vision. I miss being able to access that already.  

I most loved my early years in California when I lived in Hollywood. I loved the hustle and bustle of the city. I loved the clean and I equally loved the dirty. I loved the mix of cultures and the eclectic vibes that each culture stamped on the neighborhood. It was my happy place. When I moved to Orange County, my passion for my surroundings and my “in love” relationship with my city dwindled. I definitely worked hard to find my place in the new area and to find “my places” and "my people." My church, NewSong, and my work, Cornerstone, were my saviors. I lived in complacency in an area that I didn’t love because I loved my people at both and I knew it was where I was supposed to be for the time-being.

Cornerstone really kept me in California for years. How can someone’s work keep you that anchored when you work in a profession where you can get a job anywhere in the world? There are three simple answers: the coworkers, the children, and the families.

This was definitely one of my hardest goodbyes. Having been there 10 years (almost 11 –in August), I was invested. I had grown there. I had made my mark. I was comfortable and nicely situated in my professional career but still with areas in which to grow. Much of my spiritual, personal and professional growth occurred at this one location. I felt “set.” However, I knew I needed to move and the urging only grew stronger. This was the piece of the puzzle that was hardest to make fit in planning the move because the good-bye was so hard.

Nina and Charlotte, the directors, truly love each employee on staff. They love every child and every family member. Because you deal with families who are travelling through any stage within the stages of grief, you are met with any emotion at any given time, sometimes (and understandably) unexpected explosions of anger and misguided arrows of blame. I had watched them treat each with grace and love. Nina, who was my direct supervisor, has been my second mother. At any time, I could [and did] go in to her office and ask her to put on her “mother hat” or “boss hat” depending on the circumstance at hand. Through her example of love and grace at work, I strived to be better – spiritually, personally and professionally in management and work style. It is rare that you find a mentor in your career [that is also your employer] that can equally mentor you in all areas of your life. I can’t imagine being so far from family for so long without her support and encouragement. She truly stepped in as a mother each time I needed it and filled a huge gap far before it was recognized. She hosted a lovely brunch before I left, and I relished each moment spent with her sharing laughs and memories from over the years. So Nina, thank you.

I wanted to sign off this decade with a few words to the groups that became my anchor.

To all of my coworkers and “Cornerstone family:”

Thank you for making Cornerstone a wonderful experience. At times, we drove each other crazy but everything was excusable because the love for the children and desire to do what was best was apparent. I watch you speak with parents, exuding grace and extending understanding for circumstances that you do not understand. I’ve watched you speak softly to children who are crying, and I have watched the most intense “snuggle therapy” sessions happen when scared anxiety-ridden children are just learning to separate from parents. I have watched you set boundaries, and with love, follow through. You are a model to each child and the fruits of your labor often go unseen or unnoticed. They are noticed though. I saw them. Parents see them, although they may not say it out loud. The children feel it. You have worked in the margins, the trenches. You get your hands dirty and you are open to learn. You are gifts and I am so lucky that I got to witness these acts of love and sacrifices that you made every day. Every. Single. Day.  

You also surrounded me with love and care during my surgery in September 2014. You made the whole process less scary. You swooped in like a true family to bring goodies, meals, movies, books, and cards both before and after my operation. You checked in until I came back to work, and you supported me during my weeks back. You offered any assistance needed, and I know you meant it. Those acts of service will never be forgotten.

Vania/Manuela/Jennifer: Although you do not provide therapy when performing office duties (Manuela: before ABA), we saw the love for the children. You got the brunt of all the "goings-on." You treated each parent so respectfully, even through unkind interactions. I have watched you love children while they are waiting for their parents who are running late. That tangible love, I know, kept them calm while they must have wondered why the parent was not there yet. You kept calm and kind despite being interrupted no less than 1, 334, 285 times in your day. 

To Nina and Char, thank you for this business. Thank you for coming to work every day and “keeping on keeping on” when it was not easy or profitable. We never say it enough but we appreciate you and your efforts. Your love for the employees and families is tremendous and sometimes we do not even understand it. Thank you for being a mentor and treating us like sons and daughters.

To the families:

Thank you for entrusting your children to my care. Thank you for the trust that you showed in the early years when I was learning. When I didn’t have the answers, you waited patiently for me to research and troubleshoot to find them. At no time in between did you give up on me. We got there, as a team. You have been so willing to let me try things, when you knew or felt it wouldn’t work. Sometimes I was surprised and sometimes you were surprised in the successes and/or failures. You allowed me to take your child who was screaming and clinging to you. I know that was hard although you often just waved “bye” with a smile. I know some of you went to your car and cried. You wondered what in the world I was doing in there. You hoped I would offer a snack, give a hug when needed, wipe a tear, check for wet diapers, etc. Thank you for trusting.

Your courage in navigating through this world has inspired me. You didn’t choose but were placed on an unexpected road and you navigated it with bravery, hope, and grace. You helped me become a crusader for hope and to fight unexpected circumstances with faith and with the tools I had in my hand at the moment. Life isn’t fair, but you taught me to choose joy. You are fierce in the fight and you stop at nothing for your children. You celebrate the small steps as well as the milestones. Your ability to throw out “expectancies” and laugh at them ignite my passion to grow more professionally and to be more daring in my approaches. On a smaller scale, I’ve learned to say “screw this milestone” and avoid comparing myself and “where I should be now” by watching you.

You have had to fight harder in your families and marriages. Not only did you have the “usual” stress, but you also had the stress of parenting a child who has different needs than others. It brings stress from every which way – especially financially. I see you. We all see you. We understand that it is hard although we cannot comprehend how hard. We stand with you. YOU are true superheroes.

To the children:

I do all of this for you. Thank you for giving me 10 exceptional years. Some of you I had in therapy since my first week in August 2004! You are a part of me. Watching you grow has been a gift. Thank you for teaching me that I will always be a learner. No child is the same, even if the diagnosis is the same. I have learned that a diagnosis means little outside of “technicalities.” You are each so different. I have enjoyed celebrating your unique qualities. I have laughed when you did what “you aren’t supposed to do yet” when I was focused on “what you should be doing.” You are most often underestimated. I have learned to focus on taking a step forward and celebrate small steps instead of focusing on the next huge step because that’s really the key to enjoying life – just keep walking forward. When you walk far enough, you meet the next big thing. If you focus too much on the major events, then you miss all the intricacies of life.

I grew up to be so logical and live within parameters according to circumstance- thank you for teaching me that there are no lines. Joy and freedom lie outside the box. You slowly taught me to put one foot outside the box until the point I was dancing around the box. You gave me back the wonderment of play, a love of animals, and to openly discuss and work through insecurities and inabilities because we all have them.

Turning the lights out in this room was excruciating as I closed a chapter filled with growth, joy, celebrations, closed door discussions, sharing of lives, LAUGHTER and commitments. 

All of you, you are seen. Your hard work does not go unnoticed. Just remember to tell each other more, okay?

Keep on keeping on,

Danielle 

I wanted to include some pictures that will elicit ALL KINDS of memories from throughout the years....Enjoy!