I’ve been making invite lists for the wedding in April. It
is a telling time trying to taper down all the people you know
into less than 100 to comply with site guidelines. Unknowingly, it was an invitation to evaluate friendship, what it is to me, and what do I value in my
relationships with women in particular.
This blog aligns with my previous ones on women that you can
find here, here, and here. As a single woman
for more years than I expected, “women” and how to do "woman" well have been a
passion of mine. I am not going to claim to know your circumstances, and I don't need to. I am not
passing judgment on anyone here. I realize that I am not yet married. However,
I hope that you will hold me accountable to what you read here because I will strive to be a good “girlfriend” to the women I care about. I also want to be a
good “girlfriend” to myself. I am me. In addition, I am (to be) wife, sister,
daughter, friend, SLP, etc. These are not compartmentalized. They are ME.
I think the despair started as I began the list and forgot to
include people that I have once known to the best of friends. How does that
happen? If you are so close, what happened? For some of my friends, the
friendship changed when a husband and/or children came. I know that I gave up. I have decided that after so many unaccepted invites, I am resigning as champion for a friendship. I get it that life has changed, but that does not change the value of my life and my time. We all live full lives. We are all "busy" but we all have the ability to prioritize and show that something has value. When you bring forth your busy married schedule so that I can fit into it, it unintentionally says "My schedule has more value." I get it
that one could be dancing inside knowing that they are no longer on match.com
when they listen to the woes of a friend. I get it that it feels like listening
to a broken record sometimes. But listen past that, listen to the pain of a
friend. A friend just wants to know that you are “really” present and always
will be despite circumstances. Maybe you avoid because you don’t know what to say. Well, I know for a
lot of my “crap” I’ve been through, I would love for someone to just say that
they don’t know what to say but that they’ll sit with me. It doesn’t seem that
hard to me but apparently it is. I hear this over and over again among my
friends. What are we doing wrong?
At first, I felt like maybe there’s a different culture in
California. I never experienced this incongruity with friendships in the South. My friends are my friends.
I’ve had the same friends since junior high. I’m the last single one. Do I feel
like it when I visit them? Nope. Do they go on and on about their children and
isolate me in conversation? Nope. Do they make a point to make me a priority
and visit me during my trips at my convenience? YES! I’ve never had a group of 4 girls first turn
the convenience to “finding a sitter” or “other scheduled activities.” At this
point, we don’t even have as much in common as I would expect but we are
committed to each other. When we convene, we eat. We laugh. We share stories.
We are women. The roles are like floating hats above our heads that do not
hinder our ability to share. They do not allow us to compartmentalize or
isolate. A few who have moved away from our hometown make the hour drive at the time that works for me
as my time is limited when I’m home. Imagine that, the married with 2-3 kids
each adhere to the single’s schedule.
One of those girlfriends has been my friend since elementary
school. It’s the kind of friendship that you hope never changes but secretly
know may because of life circumstances. Luckily, it hasn't. My first recollections of Jennifer
are from 1st or 2nd grade. We went to the same church and
elementary school. We lived maybe a mile from each other. We remained close
friends throughout senior year of high school seeing each other several times per week. College separated us and then my
move to CA built a greater divide. I want to be better about talking to her between
visits home but even though we don’t, all is the same when we get together. It feels
like two high school girls
chatting about the “goings on” that week and that no time has passed. She married and now has 3 children. She has been a role
model on how to do friendships and marriage well. Her husband is supportive and
will keep all of the children so that she can come out and visit. She and her
husband have been one of my first models of a truly happy and healthy marriage.
She has alternated her time between working as a Nurse Practitioner and being a
stay-at-home mother. I’ve never heard her say “But the kids…” or “I’m so busy”
when I’ve told her I’m coming home. I hear “when & where?” Our meet-ups
over cocktails at a casino have become one of my highlights of going home. How does she grow more gorgeous by the year?!
As I said before, I began to feel like maybe it’s the
California lifestyle and culture. Thankfully, I was proven wrong. I have a
great group of girlfriends that I met through work but I see often outside of
work. Some of us have been in a cooking group for 2 years now. It’s been
another opportunity to see women prioritize friendships and themselves for at
least once monthly. We all dip into the various aspects of our lives from
singleness to children to pain to celebrations.
Luckily, I was blessed with another beautiful woman who does
“woman” and frankly, everything, well. I met Jennifer at work (another
Jennifer!) and slowly began to know her outside of work. I was fascinated by
her layers, more and more revealed through time. She kind of peels from “sweet friend” to “amazing cook” to “creative
genius” to “Where do you hide your cape, Superwoman?” What I love about
watching her life is that it is full. She’s married, mothers 3 girls (2 of which are twins),
and works as a pediatric Occupational Therapist. She cooks “for real” dinners every night, and she is not on
a rotating food schedule for convenience. She finds time for girlfriends. Sometimes it is
paired with kids with other moms. Sometimes it is solo. She always attends our events that we
have scheduled as a group. I see that the question for me when I see her at her
best always seems to be “How do you do it all?” but I know from watching how
much love that she invests in each person and project that the answer is simply
because she wants to do it all.
What happens if we stop using our “busy schedules” or our
kids as a barrier to friendships?
Is it avoidance?
Are we complacent instead of striving to be our best,
something that can be spurred on by other close girlfriends?
Or “you don’t know my husband….”? Yet I see YOU keep the kids
while he prioritizes his friends and I watch you become more and more isolated
I get it, some friendships are transient and temporary. People
come and go in our lives. this blog is meant to keep perspective in mind for
those that you feel that you truly care about and consider closest friends.
Think about the last time you talked to or visited a “close
friend.” Maybe a phonecall or a visit is due today or this week. Maybe you should ask what time is
best for her, and not what works with your schedule as much. I'm not saying that you have to now devote a huge chunk to keeping friends, but rather, integrate it throughout your life. For some, there's a close friend that you've been putting off contacting for more than a year.
We have to continue working with each other, not against. I too embrace this challenge as my seasons are changing.
We must do “woman” well.
Love,
Danielle
Kisha, Natasha, Alisha & Jennifer, thank you all for going before and showing me the road to becoming a better friend, "balancer," mother, and wife--not to mention Christian woman.
Tim & Andy: BESIDE every good woman is an equally good man. Thank you modeling what it means to be a husband that cares for and prioritizes his wife's emotional well-being and healthy friendships. Thank you for all the childcare while your wives invested in other women.
No comments:
Post a Comment